The world of horror is truly overflowing with nasty examples of motherhood. It’s important to remember this time of year that upstanding, nurturing mothers are depicted in horror films as well. This next assemblage of horror mommies celebrates the nice ones. When these TRAUMA-MOMMAS pull out a butcher knife, it’s to cut the crust off your P&J not slice your throat!10. (tie) Who could choose between these two small screen mommies with big-sized hearts? Both KIM HUNTER of BAD RONALD and JOCELYN BRANDO of DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW will do anything to protect their misunderstood boys from being ravaged by an uncaring world. Neither was particularly successful but on Mother’s Day especially, it’s important to remember that it’s the thought that counts.9. Although she’s got some real questionable taste in men, single mom Lucy Emerson DIANE WIEST in THE LOST BOYS is every kid’s dream; a super-lenient, life-size Monchhichi with an affinity for pastel knitwear.8. Tracking down your lost child in a crowded mall or shopping center is an anguish most moms can identify with. Now imagine being Rose Da Silva (RADHA MITCHELL) and going through the same plight in the nightmare town known as SILENT HILL. What’s the Aussie word for cojones?7. We admit to having a soft spot for blissfully unaware and chronically naive Karen Barclay (7TH HEAVEN-bound CATHERINE HICKS) in CHILD’S PLAY. Not only is she slow to get on the CHUCKY wagon, We think it’s sweet the way she archaically refers to the skanky homeless bum who tries to rape her as a “peddler”!6. Wendy Torrence (SHELLY DUVALL) may seem a bit ineffectual at times, but give her a break; she’s got a lot on her plate. Dad’s a psycho and there’s an unexplained plushy fetishist invasion to contend with. Extra points awarded for being a human ALICE NEEL painting.5. Is there any mom cooler than disc jockey Stevie Wayne (ADRIENNE BARBEAU)? She lets you stay out late listening to JOHN HOUSMAN tell ghost stories and she lets you have STOMACH PONDERS! She’d rate even higher if she didn’t choose the safety of the community at large over that of her son. She should have known Mrs. Kobritz (REGINA WALDON) would drop the ball.4. As any mother can tell you, punishing your child can be difficult, perhaps even more so when your daughter is a pig-tailed psychopath. THE BAD SEED’s Christine Penmark (NANCY KELLY) leaves it up to Mother Nature to deliver a much-deserved beat down to daughter Rhoda (PATTY McCORMACK).3. THE EXORCIST’s Chris MacNeil (ELLEN BURSTYN) may be a glamorous movie star that appears in all the rags of her day, but her love for her daughter Regan (LINDA BLAIR) is no act. Where most A-listers are quick to push their child’s slightest nosebleed on the nearest nanny, Chris stands by her daughter through thick and thin pea soup.2. Donna Trenton’s (DEE WALLACE) illicit affair may not make her the perfect wife, but that does not put a dampening on her mothering skills. With shear force of will she is somehow able to shred the original ending of STEPHEN KING’s CUJO and breath life back into her near dead son. Some would lay thanks on the scriptwriter or director or even a wimpy studio, but we know it’s all in a day’s work for DEE.1. JOBETH WILLIAMS as Diane Freeling in POLTERGEIST puts the current image of a high functioning soccer mom to shame. She doesn’t need MARTHA STEWART to tell her how to transform a cigar box into a canary coffin and she knows media god OPRAH is the last person to seek advice from about how to rescue a child trapped in a T.V. set. RACHEL RAY can kiss her ass, Diane is ordering a pizza and KELLY RIPA would look like a scraggly bleached flag pole if she tried to pull off Diane’s football jersey and skimpy undies ensemble. How does Diane do it? What makes her tick like a Swiss watch and never loose her cool? Maybe it’s something she’s smoking…. In Case You Missed Them:

• 10 Most Horrifying Movie Moms
• More Horrifying Movie Moms
• Top Horrifying Moms From Non-Horror Movies

TRAUMA-MOMMAS don’t have to star in horror movies per say to inflict horror upon their friends, family and neighbors. This next list of bad mommies wreaked plenty of havoc and still found their respective DVD’s shelved in the more respectable (read boring) aisles of the local video shop. Here’s to spreading the misery into every genre!

10. “Only sober for about two hours a day,” CASINO’s Ginger McKenna (SHARON STONE) has no qualms with getting shit-faced and doing lines of blow in front of her young daughter Amy. And when Ginger can’t find a babysitter so she can go down to the club to hang with Nicky (JOE PESCI), she’s not above tying Amy to the bed ala LINDA BLAIR in THE EXORCIST.

9. Proving that you should never con a con, especially when that con is your mom, THE GRIFTERS Lilly Dillon (ANJELICA HUSTON) chooses money over her son Roy (JOHN CUSAK). After murdering his girlfriend (ANNETTE BENNING), and torching the body, Lilly not only robs Roy, but also shows her son the business end of her suitcase and a broken drinking glass.

8. Momma Sharon (MIMI ROGERS) has her heart in the right place and, for the most part, is a lovingly attentive parent in THE RAPTURE, but new mommies take note: Shooting a bullet into your daughter’s head to get her on the express lane into heaven to avoid a rumored upcoming apocalypse? That’s a parenting blunder you just don’t recover from.

7. Who needs to resort to physical violence when you can tear your children to shreds with words? No one in THE ANNIVERSARY is safe from the deliciously hateful vile that spews forth from the mouth of the one-eyed Mrs. Taggert (BETTE DAVIS).
6. What well of darkness did a 36-year-old ANGELA LANSBURY tap to so effectively convince as a cold calculating mother in THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE? You try playing the part of a mother to an actor (LAURENCE HARVEY) who is only three years your junior and see if you don’t get a little steely glint in your eye!

5. Who says you can’t fit a square peg into a round hole? That’s what hammers are for! Lillian Farmer (KIM STANLEY) sorta digs the perks and swag her now famous daughter FRANCES is receiving. When nonconformist Frances decides to step out of the limelight, Mom decides she MUST be crazy! Electro shock therapy, full-frontal lobotomies, asylum gang rape and ice baths ensue… thanks mom!

4. Baltimore housewife Beverly Sutphin (KATHLEEN TURNER) loves her family and excels at the domestic arts. She’s also a pro at making obscene phone calls, committing restroom murders, and skillfully defending herself in a court of law in SERIAL MOM. Just don’t let her catch you wearing white after Labor Day!

3. In WILD AT HEART, old-school cougar Marietta Fortune (DIANE LADD) is a mother with boundary issues. When her daughter Lulu’s beau Sailor (NICOLAS CAGE) rebuffs this hellcat’s inappropriate advances, Marietta goes a little overboard with a tube of red lipstick and hires hit men to take out her future son-in-law.

2 . SYBIL Dorsett (SALLY FIELD) has multiple personalities, but none are as bad as the ONE personality her awful mother Hattie (MARTINE BARTLETT) is host to. Turning household objects like boot hooks and water bottles into instruments of torture, she transforms her family kitchen into the set of HOSTEL 3. Perhaps the most frightening tool at her command is her childlike, sing-song voice. Just listen to her belt out a couple lines of her favorite nonsensical song “Lettuce Head” and you too will be retreating to a “happy place” deep, deep inside.

1. While we would never suggest that this is her first, or last, time at the bad mommy rodeo, FAYE DUNAWAY’s career-ending turn as JOAN CRAWFORD in MOMMIE DEAREST taught us that one need not wear a hockey mask to strike fear in the hearts of small children. A Kabuki-like application of cold cream will do just fine.
In Case You Missed Them: The Most Horrifying Horror Movie Moms & More Horrifying Movie Moms.

Not every TRAUMA-MOMMA can fit into our top ten picks; there’s just not enough room. These ten runners up may be a little less flashy or a little less well known, but they are by no means less traumatizing. In fact, some of these nasty ladies give their more famous counterparts a real run for their money. Who knows, maybe the future will have one of these dastardly dames taking top honors!

20. VIVECA LINDFORS of CREEPSHOW plays a creepy greedy mom with three daughters in A BELL FROM HELL who sends her nephew to the looney bin (or so he thinks) to collect his inheritance. Is she really evil? Who cares! It’s VIVECA LINDFORS and she’s scary as hell.

19. WENDIE ROBIE as “Mom” in THE PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS lost a few points due to the fact that she’s not actually anybody’s mom and has kidnapping to thank for her offspring. In any case, she does run a tight ship and her twisted delivery of the line calling for “Total spring cleaning” cinches the deal.

18. Remember how the real nightmare in NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: THE DREAM WARRIORS was Kristen Parker’s (PATRICIA ARQUETTE) nag of a mom Elaine (BROOKE BUNDY)? Even a severed skull couldn’t stop the swinging single from squealing scoldings!

17. With FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC you get two depraved banshees for the price of one. VICTORIA TENNANT and LOUISE FLETCHER duel it out to see who can be the most hands-off guardian imaginable and turn parental negligence into an art form.

16. At first glance WILLARD’s (ski slope nosed CRISPON GLOVER) mom Henrietta (JACKIE BUROUGHS) is more pitiable than menacing, but soon you realize her whiny wails hit harder than any mallet. Hanging outside the bathroom Willard occupies and demanding to know what exactly is going on inside shoots her way up the list!

15. BLANCHE BAKER’s turn as Ruth Chandler in THE GIRL NEXT DOOR is the newest mommy on our list, but trust us she deserves her position. This bitch is so ice cold that if you lick your television screen while she’s on it, your tongue will stick!

14. After spending fifteen years in a funny farm being cured of her cannibalistic ways, FRIGHTMARE’s Dorothy Yates (SHEILA KEITH) is released to rejoin polite, mostly non-cannibalistic society. Old habits (and some victims) die hard. Here’s one momma who ditches gloss for gritty believability.

13. Don’t mess with RUTH ROMAN in THE BABY! She makes MA BARKER look like BOB BARKER. She’ll do anything to protect her full grown “baby,” (decidedly adult DAVID MOONEY) from dirty outside influences, in what has to be the most deranged cinematic offering from the seventies. (Now, that’s saying something!)

12. Is there anyone meaner than Rosemary Bower (CAROLYN PURDY GORDON) in DOLLS? Step-mommys already have a bad name thanks to Disney propaganda, and she has the nerve to throw her step-kid Jody’s (CARRIE LORRAINE) beloved teddy bear (named “Teddy” natch) into the forest to be lost forever? Sleep well knowing all bears know their way around the woods and that Rosemary Bower is indeed taken down to size!

11. Stand back and gawk at the amazing maternal ferocity and take no prisoners fearlessness of SUSAN TYRRELL in NIGHT WARNING a.k.a. BUTCHER, BAKER NIGHTMARE MAKER! Lame title issues and a questionable “video nasty” ban may have kept this offbeat gem from reaching some viewers but a forthcoming long overdue DVD release is sure to change that. The truth is, SUSAN TYRRELL delivers what may very well be the greatest unheralded horror performance of the last 30 years or so and it’s high time everyone knew about it. DE NIRO eat your heart out! In Case You Missed Them: The 10 Most Horrifying Movie Moms & The 10 Most Horrifying Moms From Non-Horror Movies.

We here at Kindertrauma love to talk about the gruesome kiddies of horror films, but we’re all getting old enough to know that the stork was not really responsible for their births. They all had mommas and with Mother’s Day right around the corner, we thought it was high time we brought up the subject of TRAUMA-MOMMAS; those mothers of horror who showed, through example, how to get the job done. From now until Sunday we vow to bring you some killer mom-ertainment, and it all starts with our listing of our favorite top ten monster mommies of mayhem…

10. YVONNE DECARLO in AMERICAN GOTHIC. So it’s not the most famous horror flick in the world and we admit to giving extra points to YVONNE for her stint as power mom Lily Munster, yet we’re true blue fans of her work here as “Ma.” AMERICAN GOTHIC is a real original, just like YVONNE, and anyone who could put up with the ramblings of both ROD STIEGER (as Pa) and MICHEAL J. POLLARD (as one of her psycho offspring) deserves mucho recognition, if not a jewelry box made out of popsicle sticks.
9. ZELDA RUBINSTEIN already owns our hearts thanks to POLTERGEIST, but in ANGUISH she astounds even more. In her film within a film role as Alice Pressman she puts the average taskmaster mother to shame. Rather then send her kid MICHAEL LERNER out for the usual carton of milk, stick of butter and loaf of bread, she instead demands all the eyeballs in the city! Once more she makes this request in her patented SMURFETTE on helium voice!

8. Speaking of SMURFETTE and helium, JENNIFER TILLY as Tiffany the doll does not seem to be a suitable parent at first glance. She’s sorta self-involved and yes, has a famous violent streak. Her itchy kill impulse would land her on this list regardless, but we gotta give her extra props for standing up to big daddy CHUCKY in defense of her limp plastic wrist-ed son Glen in SEED OF CHUCKY.

7. BEATRICE PONS (as ROSE ROSS) in MOTHER’S DAY is a force to be reckoned with. It would be bad enough is she were to turn a blind eye to her two moronic son’s killing and chilling attitude, but this creepy lady spurs them on and even makes requests for the dreaded SHIRLEY TEMPLE Polaroid game. Sick stuff for sure. Extra points for being in a movie appropriately entitled!

6. A mother who gives birth to her own rage and sends it out into the world to cause havoc? O.K. we realize you only have to open your front door to witness THAT, but the whole licking the litter thing in THE BROOD is just too bizarre not to award, plus SAMANTHA EGGAR!!! Have we ever mentioned we are total Anglophiles (and gingerphiles) here at Kindertrauma? Think about it, you know it’s true.

5. Any mother can act monstrous but in PETER JACKSON’s DEAD ALIVE a.k.a. BRAINDEAD, ELIZABETH MOODY really does turn into a giant beast that our poor hero has to battle on his rooftop. Easily the most Freudian zombie movie ever made that features contaminated monkeys, kung-fu priests and mass lawnmower kills.

4. The idea that anything would go chin-to-chin or ta-ta-to-ta-ta in a throw down against Ellen Ripley (SIGOURNEY WEAVER) still boggles the mind. I guess having an extra jaw and acid blood can help to raise the old self-assurance level. Momma Alien from ALIENS didn’t sweat a bit and she didn’t even have to rely on bad language (”Get away from her you bitch!“) to psyche out her opponent!

3. CARRIE’s mom Margaret White (PIPER LAURIE)… where do you even start to describe this drunk on Jesus juice, hot-mess tranny? She was the shit, and worse of all…SHE LIKED IT! She ended up just like her hero, crucified, but even Jesus didn’t have to suffer the indignity of being crucified by a potato peeler. MEL GIBSON make a movie about this momma’s “passion” then maybe you can come back into our good graces!

2. One thing about destroying your offspring’s life is that you usually have to curb it when you’re six feet under. PSYCHO’s Norma Bates (voice by VIRGINIA GREGG) did not feel the need to yield to such restrictions. She just kept yacking and yacking. She yacked until the modern horror film was born, and then she yacked some more. She single handedly yacked the slasher genre into existence, and then she yacked some more. Norma Bates is still yacking. Let’s all pray she never stops.

1. Are you trying to pretend that you don’t know who our number one choice for TRAUMA-MOMMA is? Why? What is wrong with you? Give in to reality, give in to the truth. You can pretend as long as you like that the FRIDAY THE 13TH series is subpar. You can claim it’s juvenile, pedestrian, hokey and dated. The proof is in the blood pudding that stained the wreck room carpet and is never going to go away. It’s pointless to resist any longer, submit NOW! No other mother brings it like PAMELA VORHEES. No other mother has that voice, that smile, that commitment. The entire franchise and many other horror films that followed it in its wake owe their eye teeth to BETSY PALMER. Even as a decapitated head in a refrigerator, she owns it. Even as a crazy sweater shrine, she brings it. BETSY PALMER IS THE ULTIMATE TRAUMA-MOMMA! GET IT? GOT IT? GOOD!!! We have prepared a poem in her honor….

M is for the murders you inspired!

O is for the only son you had!

T is for the terror that transpired!

H is for the horny teens that made you mad!

E is for the evil that won’t retire!

R is for the revenge of your drowned lad!

Put them all together they spell mother.

Someone we would like so much to please,

But this mother bests all the others

And her name is PAMELA VOORHEES!

NOTE: If you don’t see your favorite TRAUMA-MOMMA listed, keep your shirt on, there’s more to come! Check out our picks for TRAUMA-MOMMAS 20 - 11 & The 10 Most Horrifying Moms From Non-Horror Movies.

Portraying little Damien Thorn in 1976’s THE OMEN, HARVEY STEPHENS brought an incredible naturalness to a part that may be the last word in evil child roles. With his light hair dyed jet black and his butter wouldn’t melt smirk STEPHENS rode his tricycle into the nightmares of viewers of all ages. His admission into the sacred ranks of The Traumatot guild is a no-brainer. He may have only one major film role to his credit but when you do something right the first time why mess with perfection?

Even diehard LUCIO FULCI fanatics must admit that the director’s oeuvre presents something of a roulette wheel to first time viewers. Although traditional coherency is never really an issue, the pendulum of success swings very wide in both directions. Will it be a visionary nightmare that you cannot wake up from like THE BEYOND, or just a nightmare that you can’t stay awake for like MANHATTAN BABY? Will it be an influential mini-masterpiece with an unfortunate name like DON’T TORTURE A DUCKLING or will it feature a sleazy killer who talks in a duck’s voice while he’s torturing his unfortunate victims ala NEW YORK RIPPER? GATES OF HELL is not FULCI’s best, but it rates rather high on the list thanks to a couple of simply unforgettable scenes and a sick relentless vibe that you just can’t fake. It might not provide the simple pleasures of ZOMBIE or the campy fun of HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY, but it does provide a woman crying blood just before she vomits her intestines out. With apologies to TISA FARROW, it also sports one of FULCI’s finest casts, which not only includes future THE BEYOND star CATRIONA MACCOLL, but also my personal favorite person on earth GIOVANNI LOMBARDO RADICE (HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK) and GRIZZLY foe/playgirl centerfold/cigar enthusiast and all around lucky bastard CHRISTOPHER GEORGE. The horror begins when a priest hangs himself in the town of Dunwich, Massachusetts, which is not only built on the site of the original Salem (whatever that means) but also, if the soundtrack is any indication, suffers from an unlikely monkey infestation. For reasons high on the murky scale, the reverend’s deed opens up some doorways that lead to hell and if someone doesn’t get to closing said doors, the dead will walk the earth and pretty much spoil everything. Meanwhile the town is suffering from a hoard of supernatural occurrences ranging in seriousness from unsightly cracks in pub walls to maggot tornados and teleporting cadavers. With its Lovecraft love and various small groupings of people converging to battle uncanny elements and curses, GATES plays like JOHN CARPENTER’s THE FOG’s violent, hyperactive, Ritalin-starved borderline-mongoloid sibling. Whether intentional or not, FULCI pretty much invents splatvant-garde here and I’m pretty sure that if you have any idea of what’s going on by film’s end that you were not paying close enough attention. The film’s final frames, in particular,r are blatantly indecipherable and have been attributed to the director’s spontaneous experimentation with damaged footage in the editing room. In any case, the viewer better be willing to submit to G.O.H.’s lunatic charm or prepare for a rough ride, for once those gates are open, rationality exists first and it doesn’t leave a forwarding address.


GIOVANNI LOMBARDO RADICE a.k.a. JOHN MORGHAN is the heart and soul of just about every movie he’s in. His famous head-drilling scene in G.O.H. may be the goriest murder ever filmed. Giovanni’s character, Dunwich’s dead-baby hallucinating, blow-up doll loving town scapegoat “Bob” is confronted by a young girl’s father who takes the law and (Bob’s noggin) into his own hands and adds some ventilation to the poor guy’s apparently already damaged head. Is the father possessed by the evil that has infected the town or is this just mayhem ala cart? I have yet to figure that one out, but I do know this scene has lost none of it’s try not to flinch power.

Is there anything worse than being buried alive? Yes, being buried alive and having to rely on the lovable CHRISTOPHER GEORGE’s slow-as-molasses-in-January detective skills to save you. FULCI wrings about as much tension as humanly possible out of his POE would-be-proud premature burial scene. Even after the goof is discovered, our beloved GEORGE decides to take a pick ax to the coffin rather than scan for latches and gets perilously close to making that whole dead thing stick by poking our already traumatized and thankfully un-embalmed heroine’s eyes out. If you’re still looking for realism after this scene you may be slower than GEORGE-y.

That’s director MICHELE SOAVI (CEMETERY MAN) getting the back of his head ripped off right after having a make out session with his girlfriend spoiled by her sudden need to vomit up all her intestines.

RICHARD DONNER’s classic son of Satan film THE OMEN overflows with scenes high in trauma content. Priest ka-bobs, shrieking psycho monkeys and slow-mo-spinning decapitated heads rule the day. Even attempting simple household chores like watering one’s plants sadly results in smashed fish bowels and a trip to the emergency room. But that’s how it should be; nowhere in the bible does it say that the spawn of Satan is going to be carting a wagon full of marshmallow unicorns behind him. Out of all the scenes in DONNER’s Whitman Sampler of end of days atrocities, the one that stands out as the most KINDER-traumatic takes place at little Damien’s outdoor birthday party; a celebration whose festive spirit is crushed under the devil’s hoof.

Let’s face it, some folks are really pulling for Damien’s (HARVEY STEPHEN) future reign to be a success. One of those people is not-so-super nanny Mrs. Baylock (BILLIE WHITELAW). The first order of business is to get rid of Damien’s present nanny (fruit of JACK PALANCE’s loin, and RIPLEY’S BELIEVE IT OR NOT co-hostess, HOLLY PALANCE), so that bad Mrs. B can take her place and have a hand in raising the child. Enter demonic doggy. Demonic doggy, a handsome Rottweiler with sparkling eyes, appears to have the ability to influence a person’s decision making skills ala the son of Sam’s canine pal, but without all the chin music.

For the most part, this outdoor shindig seems to be a smashing success thanks to the Thorns being rich as hell. There’s a merry-go-round and even some cool mini rollercoaster thing I never found under my Christmas tree. You really couldn’t ask for better weather either, so it’s kind of a shame about what happens next. (Actually as horrible as the following events are, you just know that none of the guests could wait to get home to call their friends and relatives to tell them about how F-d up the well-to-do Thorn’s party was. “They ran out of plastic forks and…”)

Our mousey nanny, with more than a little nudging from demonic doggie, decides a much more memorable gift than the store bought kind could be bestowed upon little Damien by hanging herself like a human piñata out of a three story window. With the words “Look at me Damien, It’s all for you,” she takes one step forward and walks out into Kindertrauma history. A hanging nanny should be horrific enough, but THE OMEN, which for the most part, is a relatively restrained affair (sans that decapitation) just can’t resist adding a few extra turns of the satanic screw. In this case it’s not enough for nanny to simply hang and choke, horrifying the on-looking partygoers, she also has to swing backwards, destroy a perfectly good window and startle an unsuspecting indoor maid, who by rights should have been able to go about her daily dusting chores without any knowledge of this, the gift you cannot return.

It’s not so much the violence of the scene that we find horrifying but the glee in which it is performed. With the batting of a doggy eyelash we watch the nanny transform from “one of us” to “one of them”, a shiny happy sleeper agent with a Moonie grin. Rather than quietly going to her room and overdosing on sleeping pills, which would open the same opportunity for Baylock, she picks a spot where she is sure to be seen by all. It’s an act of true terrorism on the part of the devil (and DONNER). A public announcement that the happy family photo montage scenes (like the one that preceded this one) are officially over.

The only thing that needs to be said about the emotional devastation that this display causes is that one of the children at the party is actually shown seeking comfort from a clown (!). Many of the other guests simply look on expressionless, probably trying to figure out how much money the Thorn’s paid the nanny to perform that trick and wondering if she is available for Bar Mitzvahs. LEE REMICK understandably takes this moment to shield her son from the unsightliness, while simultaneously posing for the film’s advertising art, with a pleading expression on her face usually reserved for stained glass saints and porn stars.

All of this trauma-drama is doused in JERRY GOLDSMITH’s life ruining musical score and some weird uncanny bizarre sound effect that sounds like a faucet leaking in an echoey flying saucer. The one person who is nonplussed by the day’s events is little Damian who, by scene’s end, is shown waving a thank you to the rotten Rottweiler for giving his boring (and obviously very impressionable) nanny the pink slip, and creating a crack just large enough for good old Mrs. Baylock to slip through….

Back in the early 1970s, before I could read to myself, my lovely mother would read me a bedtime story every night. Like most children, I got to choose which book mother would read from. There was one I kept going back to…Donkey-Donkey by Roger Duvoisin. It’s about a donkey that isn’t happy with his ridiculously long ears. He seeks out advice from all the other farm animals on how he should wear his ears…down like the dog, out to the side like the cow and the sheep, or to the front like the pig. He tries all the different ways and after a few mishaps, finally realizes that his ears are fine just the way they are…long and straight. It wasn’t because of it’s sweet lesson of, “being happy with who you are”, but for the horrific event on page 14 that I chose this book almost every night. I hated page 14 but couldn’t wait to see it because it made me feel so anxious and weird. This was the page that poor Donkey-donkey accidentally stabs his ear on a “wicked nail” that holds the scythe on the stable door.

The combination of the scythe, the blood, Donkey’s agonized expression, and that creepy spider on the barn wall freaked me out every single night. I knew it was coming and I couldn’t wait to be terrorized by the picture and my mother saying, “wicked nail.”

Last Valentine’s day, my very thoughtful wife bought me a brand new copy of Donkey-Donkey. As soon as I saw the cover all I could hear in my head was my mother’s voice, “Wicked nail…wicked nail…wicked nail…” Needless to say, I couldn’t wait to get to page 14.

UNKLE LANCIFER SEZ :: Thanx Mr. Canacorn! Hey kids, add more corn to your diet and visit AWESOMENESS FOR AWESOME’S SAKE!

1) I can’t believe you haven’t said anything about SLEEPAWAY CAMP, specifically the freaky ending. I saw this as an adolescent at a slumber party in the 80’s and we had lots of fun mocking the lame kills and acting, but that image of Angela standing naked over her boyfriend’s severed head and doing that weird gutteral “hissing” still affects me as a 32 year-old. I don’t believe I slept a full night in my own bed for at least 2 weeks after seeing that!

2) A made-for-T.V. movie I saw in the 8th grade called FROM THE DEAD OF NIGHT starring LINDSAY WAGNER and BRUCE BOXLEITNER (I had to visit imdb.com to look up the name of the movie) really freaked me out. LINDSAY plays a woman who has a near-death experience and sees these weird shadowy figures in a tunnel before she’s resucitated. Well, the shadowy figures want her back and begin stalking her. I don’t remember much else about it, but the thing that really sticks in my memory is a kid on a skateboard who is killed and possessed by one of the spirits and rolls after LINDSAY’s character in the dark (I think it was a parking garage, but maybe a dark alley, can’t remember.)

3) Another made-for-TV movie that got to me was THE STRANGER WITHIN starring RICKY SCHROEDER and KATE JACKSON. I had a HUGE crush on RICKY from watching SILVER SPOONS as a kid and seeing him play such a convincing psycho really tainted my pristine memories!

Last week we received a Traumafession on THE WORLD BEYOND, a made-for-television obscurity that I personally had never heard of. A little Google action exposed it as a true Traumatizer contender. This hour long supernatural spooker freaked the living bajeezus out of young viewers to the point of causing visual hallucinations (the mud man is under my bed!) and chronic insomnia. It then disappeared into the television static zone leaving many wondering if what they had witnessed was even real. Alternate titles and VHS unavailability added to the confusion. I was more than intrigued, I HAD TOO SEE THIS MOVIE! It became the latest in a long string of tiny, inconsequential goals. Well, mud monster, times have changed since 1978; the Internet has made it virtually impossible for entities like yourself to hide forever, and it’s time you were drug out into the light.
Created as part of a potential television series THE WORLD BEYOND would actually be the first episode following a pilot entitled THE WORLD OF DARKNESS. Later, in order to present it better as a stand alone affair, it was sometimes listed as simply THE MUD MONSTER (A title card on the version I viewed declared the episode as simply “MONSTER”). The basis of the plot is a popular one currently. The protagonist communicates with the dead in order to solve mysteries and aid the unbelieving. GRANVILLE VAN DUSEN stars as clairvoyant sports writer Paul Taylor (a near death motorcycle accident is the catalyst) and it is clear that if the show were to be picked up, he would take his talents on the road helping unfortunates in various locations ala THE INCREDIBLE HULK series. In this case, the drama begins with Paul being contacted by a decidedly dead Frank Faber. Frank implores Paul to go to Logan’s island and save his sister Marion (a pre-POLTERGEIST JOBETH WILLIAMS) before it’s too late. Paul locates Marion easily and with the help of an ornery oldster (BARNARD HUGHES) and his doggie “Lover,” the three embark toward the island to find out what became of Frank.
Things go from jovial to creep-tastic as soon as they pull into a boathouse on the island. Lover the dog goes bonkers and gnaws on his master’s arm, and an ominous howling wind begins what is to become a near perpetual onslaught. I’m a sucker for water-logged terror, so the boat journey where they discover Marian’s dead brother’s life jacket floating by is a good start. Perhaps my second favorite locale for horror is the isolated cabin and that’s exactly where our tale takes us next. The cabin is boarded up from the inside and brimming with books on the occult. There’s no avoiding that something evil is afoot because we soon hear the howling death cries of Lover the dog having his back broken in the boathouse. The dominoes begin to fall and a humanoid-shaped hole in the ground is discovered. Next we find Marian’s poor dead brother Frank buried in the dirt up to his head (it appears as a decapitation at first). One of the texts in the cabin is the Kabbalah and that, along with the figure-shaped ditch in the Earth, leads Paul to speculate that the problem at hand is being caused by a Golem, a soulless mystical being from Jewish folklore made from clay or dirt.

It’s pretty easy to see why THE WORLD BEYOND left such an impression; its use of eerie sound effects is impressive. The constant ghostly wind and the mud man’s gruff growl weave together to form an unsettling blanket over all proceedings. Shaky point of view shots and erratic camera movements also add to the intensity. A stand out scene for those who remember this production finds the mud man losing his arm. The set up is great, an eye of the storm romantic respite between the two leads is sabotaged when Paul opens the door to leave, and comes face to face with the horrific roaring creation. Slamming the door on the beast, they are left with its severed arm on the cabin floor. Closer inspection shows a still actively aggressive appendage that exits into the basement leaving a MR. HANKY like trail behind. There’s more horror to be found in said basement, not to mention a simple solution to the dilemma in the form of a fortuitously located bag of salt. I won’t reveal the final fate of the mud man, but as the story progresses, we do get to see and hear much more from him. Scenes of his dark form twisting and lumbering through nature brought back fond memories of grainy wooded seventies thrillers like THE LEGGEND OF BOGGY CREEK and SCREAMS OF A WINTER NIGHT.

Due to the limits of the medium and the time period this was made, there is a definite hokey (maybe quaint is a better word) quality lumbering about the island as well. JOBETH’s character, for example, is quick to deny being a hysteric, but is blazingly ineffectual (especially when compared to her tigress in a football jersey role in POLTERGEIST) and the way too explanatory closing bit raises more questions than it extinguishes. Still, THE WORLD BEYOND can stand up next to the best of the seventies television horror output just on memorable atmosphere and originality alone. I doubt it will terrify adult viewers, but it could very well remind them what it felt like to be scared as a child. Heck, the soundtrack alone could do that!
Neither THE WORLD OF DARKNESS nor THE WORLD BEYOND are officially available on DVD (a double feature would be great). Thankfully I was lucky enough to find SUPER STRANGE VIDEO, who were able to get a DVD-R copy of the latter title to my front door in a week (!). Taken from a Betamax tape recording of an original television broadcast, SSV’s version of BEYOND makes up for its 58 minute running time by including all the commercials that aired that night, making it quite the little time capsule. The picture quality is not great, but you’ve seen worse, I didn’t find it a problem as I was too wrapped up in the story to care. In fact, it may have added to the feeling of watching a lost, time ravished treasure. To tell you the truth I think I almost enjoyed the commercials as much as the movie, here’s a few that I thought would be of interest to Horror fans:
The very first time THE WORLD BEYOND aired it was followed by co-traumatizer THE BERMUDA DEPTHS which starred CONNIE SELLACA. Here she is shown shilling Excederin right before her big break along side a giant turtle!
Kinder Bunny ADRIENNE BARBEAU is featured in a commercial for an upcoming episode of MAUDE. She meets JOHN CARPENTER around this time on the set of SOMEONE’S WATCHING ME!
This 7-11 spot features a guy who needs to drink coffee to escape his lycanthropic nature. (If it only were that easy!) In the non-horror arena there is a Leggs pantyhose commercial complete with plastic egg, an AIM toothpaste commercial complete with an inappropriately pushy teacher invading a kids bathroom and, best of all, a bumper for the upcoming Miss Arkansas pageant! I swear I do not own stock in SUPER STRANGE VIDEO when I tell you this was the best 20 bucks I ever spent. By the time it was over, I felt I had traveled through a time tunnel. So thanks to the SSV guys for supplying the goods, reader Joe V. for his inspiring Traumafession and, last but not least, the incredible Roger Miller for taping this incredible wonder on his Betamax three decades ago!!!

Shortly after live television director Leigh Michaels (Dial soap pitchwoman LAUREN HUTTON) takes up residence in the super-deluxe L.A. high-rise compound Arkham Towers, she finds herself on the receiving end of some odd phone calls. Neither of the heavy-breathing variety nor particularly menacing, the calls are initially dismissed as pranks by Leigh who is more concerned with adapting to life in Los Angeles. She quickly finds a confidant in new co-worker (and sister of Sappho) Sophie (ADRIANNE BARBEAU), and makes use of one of the worst pick-up lines ever to attract the attention of philosophy professor/ singles-bar habitue Paul (DAVID BIRNEY). Unfortunately, things aren’t as hot on the home front. The calls have escalated, and now Leigh finds herself receiving sweepstakes prizes compliments of a mysterious outfit known as Excursions Unlimited. First, she receives a telescope, and then a string bikini. Pretty menacing, as far as unwanted trinkets from a stalker go, no? The police offer little in the form of assistance, so Leigh and Sophie, with the occasional assist from Paul, set out to catch the creep. Using the telescope, they deduce Leigh’s stalker must be somewhere in the high-rise building across the courtyard from hers. Sadly, their amateur sleuthing results in the wrong man being run out of town, and Leigh ends up looking like “The Gap-toothed Live Television Director Who Cried Voyeur” when the calls and threats continue. Directed by Kinder-fave JOHN CARPENTER, SOMEONE’S WATCHING ME! shamelessly riffs on HITCHCOCK’s REAR WINDOW, and includes the obligatory scene where we witness Leigh sneak into the perpetrator’s apartment from Sophie’s telescopic point-of-view. Perhaps the biggest misstep is the absolute last minute introduction of the stalker’s identity which left me saying, “Wait, who?” Even with it’s left field finale, it’s impossible to deny CARPENTER knows his way around a suspense scene. He’s able to wring tension from the smallest of things and once the set up is in place, it’s virtually impossible to look away.

• Ever the wise-ass, Leigh admits to Paul that she has always harbored a fear of being raped by dwarfs
• Leigh’s narrow escape in the parking lot, complete with hiding in a sewer grate so she can look up her stalker’s pant leg
• Leigh spys the savage demise of pal Sophie through a telescope
• Leigh’s life is saved by her ugly curtains

If you have never seen AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON then there is something seriously missing from your life. It’s only one of the best werewolf movies ever made and it is amazingly equal parts truly scary and darkly funny; the ending is a little too abrupt, but let’s not split wolf hairs. One scene that deserves to be singled out takes place during a dream within a dream, a device that in 1981 had not been exploited to oblivion yet by the NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET series. Our hero David Kessler (DAVID NAUGHTON) dreams that his entire family is massacred before his eyes by an extremely unfriendly band of machine-gun-toting Nazi monsters too hideous to describe. To add insult to not just injury but also slaughter, David’s little brother and pajama-clad sister were in the process of watching MISS PIGGY debate the value of violence in art on THE MUPPET SHOW when the attack begins. (If you’ve never see the movie, don’t worry, I haven’t ruined anything. The scene is so abrupt that it’s impossible to prepare yourself for it anyway.) Director JOHN LANDIS had been dreaming up this werewolf tale since he was a mere 19 years old, and this dream sequence reveals a fear that we all can relate to, a home invasion that endangers our entire family. The Nazi uniforms surely carry particular meaning for LANDIS though, being Jewish and born just 5 years after the end of World War 2. It’s no accident that a menorah, one of the oldest symbols of the Jewish faith can be seen being blasted away by one of the attackers before the scene’s close. By taking his own nightmare and throwing it up on the screen, LANDIS does in less than a minute what most directors fail to do in 90, he petrifies his audience. It’s a jolt of real horror and considering that it occurs in a place many consider to be the safest imaginable, the family living room, it’s all the more shocking. There is no way to hide behind the couch from the obvious tone of slapstick black humor involved either, (especially considering it’s proximity to barking mad dominatrix MISS PIGGY!) When mom and pop are blasted they fly backwards with absurd TEX AVERY force. This nightmare fantasy of the destruction of peace in a bourgeois home may be the worst thing imaginable, but I hardly think I’m the only horror fan who has rewound it again and again. LANDIS is actually playing hooky from the narrative, the scene being a dream has no consequence at all within the story. He quite simply presents you with the worst possible scenario he can think of, and departs before he is required to take responsibility for it. It may be sadistic (and masochistic) as hell, but that’s what Traumafessions are made of.

KINDER UPDATE:MIKE FISH reviews a new book on JOHN LANDIS over at our favorite hang out HORROR YEARBOOOK!

Brothers SID and MARTY KROFT were responsible for creating a multitude of alarmingly psychedelic, trauma-packed universes in several children’s programs televised in the seventies. One suspects LEWIS CARROLL himself would be humbled by their uncanny gift for turning the family television into a rabbit hole to push unsuspecting toddlers through. In 1974 they upped the ante, shelving their previously more colorful and cartoony palette with a Saturday morning offering entitled LAND OF THE LOST. Although L.O.T.L. may look dopey and low tech by today’s standards it was a giant leap forward in sophistication both on a technical and a storytelling level for the KROFTS. Concerning a widower and his two children who thanks to “the greatest earthquake ever known” are propelled into what seems at first to be our world’s past, but later reveals itself to be a alternate dimension altogether, L.O.T.L. was ripe with threats its young audience had never been exposed to before. Its half hour running time was an invitation to an avalanche of prehistoric dinosaurs with diverse dispositions, pre-Wookie, mini Sasquatch beings with formidable brows (and a faux language created by a linguistic) and most notoriously and horribly, the dreaded creature known as the Sleestak. (Note: You do not want to say the word Sleestak to a child of the seventies when they are drinking a glass of water or you will have a spit-take dampened face to contend with, …the word carries that much awesome fright power!)

Sleestak are lizard-skinned, seven-foot-tall creatures with giant insect eyes and three pronged pincher hands. They have a single nubby horn on their head, a little nubby tail, and presumably internalized genitalia. They carry crossbows, slink about in caves (they don’t like light!) and introduce their presence with the most horrible slurpy hissing sound that’s ever been heard outside of a dentist’s office. It has come to my knowledge that the more you learn about Sleestak the more atrocious they become. They sacrifice humans to their gods, they feed live animals to their recently hatched young, they hibernate in cocoons and, perhaps most disturbingly, they communicate with a “library of skulls” which is a grouping of their previous leaders’ heads that death can’t even shut up.

In the interest of full disclosure I have to admit that there is one Sleestak who is polite enough to wear some clothing, speak the mother’s English and can the hissing. His name is Enig (originally spelled Eneg as an anagram tribute to STAR TREK creator GENE RODENBERRY), he’s an “Altrusian” with golden skin, and of a more reasonable height. You have to feel sorry for the guy because he originally believes the barbaric Sleestak are his ancestors but comes to find out that they are his peace loving people’s inevitable future selves instead. (THE LAND OF THE LOST’s mind-fucky time collage at work once again.) Enig spends a lot of his time in a lost city working on a time matrix table chuck full of shiny stones trying to get the hell home and really, who can blame him? Good luck with that Enig, let us know how that works out.

Go ahead and laugh at the Sleestak, just don’t underestimate the tightness of their pinchers grip on the psyche of a generation. You can find them lurking in paintings, used as icons for rock bands and skateboard hubs, lampooned on ROBOT CHICKEN and infiltrating slang with alternate spellings and meanings. As ridiculous as they sometimes appear, they have an astonishing primal power that viewers respond to immediately. What is that power? Does it come from the fact that with their round dark eyes, non-existent nose and slit grimace mouth, they more than slightly resemble our most innate and ancient symbol for death, the human skull? Or is it their reptilian nature that gets our dander up? Lizard men in general have existed across the globe in many mythologies from the beginning of time. In the present they loom in the form of alien abductee stories and conspiracy theories that claim our leaders are hiding some green scales of their own ala the famed miniseries “V”. Do they represent a primitive version of ourselves or a cold callous being we are afraid we’re becoming? To a kid, the question when seeing these threatening creatures is a simple one: fight or flight? I think we all know the answer that every child of the seventies formed in their heads as soon as they heard that first horrible “Hisssssssss.”

So here’s to you Sleestak, you really don’t get enough respect. Sure you starred on a show that displayed some of the worst and most often repeated blue screen effects in television history and, yes, most of us noticed that there was a limited supply of you on hand (the KROFTS had only 3 Sleestak suits and they had to represent many more) but I can tell you from experience that whenever you entered the television screen in my house you could hear a pin drop. And yes, I admit that the foolish day that I tied a rope onto the back of my brothers bike and forced him to pull me around on my roller skates in the basement that when I inevitably bashed my head into the cement that the first thing I saw was not a circle of chirping canaries but a circle of hissing Sleestak looking down on me (true Traumafession!) You, my dear Sleestak may have been kicked out of the boob tube decades ago, but there is a cave in my and many other peoples’ heads where you still roam hissing, and naked with a crossbow poised and aimed.


KINDER UPDATE: Here is how the Sleestak will look in the upcoming tongue-in-cheek LAND OF THE LOST theatrical MOVIE starring WILL FERRELL

I remember my older brother would play the radio in his bedroom non-stop all day and I was forced to hear it. Sometimes they would have horror movie commercials on and they would scare the crap out of me. The all time worst was one summer when they started playing ads for a T.V. show called PRISONER CELL BLOCK H over and over again. One ad was about a woman who buried a baby alive in her garden. Our neighbors had just had a baby and all I would do was picture it buried under the dirt and it would give me the shivers. Once I forced my friend to bury one of her dolls and pretend we were on that show. I still feel guilty about that and remember being worried that she would tell on me!

UNKLE LANCIFER SEZ: Monica, I remember that show, it was an Australian import soap opera that was aired stateside in the early eighties. I was forbidden to watch it, so of course it became my favorite thing to see. There was always something messed up going on and thanks to your TRAUMAFESSION, I just spent a good part of a sunny day watching its insanity on Youtube. I’m sorry I could not find the radio spots you mentioned, but if you want to bring back some bad memories I suggest you FOLLOW SUIT. Thanks for also bringing up radio spots in general. I remember back in the old days hearing that stuff on the radio and those things really made your imagination run wild. Every once in a while you can find a superior DVD that includes them, but in the meantime I dug up THESE and THESE. Maybe you can stick them on your iPod and listen to them while you’re burying dolls!

Laura (BELEN RUEDA) has moved into, and is in the process of renovating, the very orphanage that she called home for some time as a child. Along with her practical husband Carlos (FERNANDO CAYO) and adopted child Simon (ROGER PRINCEP) she means to create a place like the one she remembers, a place full of laughing children who spend their days playing games and their nights imagining themselves protected by a nearby lighthouse. Laura is unfortunate enough to slowly learn throughout the course of JUAN ANTONIO BAYONA’s THE ORPHANAGE that her pristine recollections are sorely one sided and that her beloved residence hides a history of (kinder)traumatic events she could hardly imagine. Things appear kosher enough at first with her child seemingly conjuring play pals to keep himself company, but does little Simon have his head in the clouds or his foot in the afterlife? Evidence supporting the latter accumulates to the point where Simon goes missing completely and Laura begins seeing a mysterious child on the grounds wearing a Raggedy Andy meets THE ELEPHANT MAN sack over his head. Concern gives way to obsession as Laura is led like a pull toy through a psychological maze that can only be navigated by shredding everything rational and allowing herself to perceive the world in Simon’s (and her own previous) childlike way. More dark fantasy than outright horror, THE ORPHANGE plays tag with classic ghost story elements while always remaining slickly modern. It has no intention of beating the audience over the head with its shocks, it is content to unnerve at the leisurely pace of a midnight tide (MTV spawn & A.D.D. dudes, you stand warned!) Screenwriter SERGIO G. SANCHEZ admits to being inspired by the maternal anguish that Wendy and her sibling’s mother must have felt in PETER PAN when she discovers her children are missing and off adventuring in Neverland. It’s just that kind of magical fairy tale quality that distinguishes THE ORPHANAGE from your standard shock generator. This puzzle box may not provide constant adrenaline pumping cathartic thrills, but it does provide a wise meditation on how perception rules our lives and the constant tug of war between our past and present selves. By the film’s conclusion a new idea of “home” is established and the viewer is left with a feeling similar to completing a good satisfying book. Bathed in cool aquatic hues, its lullaby tone allows its moments of true, gritty, well-earned terror to shine all the more and don’t worry, there is terror to be found here. I know it may seem like the world needs another “ghost kid” movie like it needs another wedding themed rom-com, but this is a sincere, nearly seamless, effort that offers new sly gifts with each viewing and reminds you what a well thought out, complete film experience feels like.

• The dark seaside cave, you may imagine you’re seeing things as well
• The witchy Benigna (MONTSERRAT CARULLA) makes a house call
• Our first view of Tomas (OSCAR CASAS) at the animal masked garden party for special children. A perfect playmate for lil’ Jason Voorhees!
• Laura’s tumble into the tub and her wretched hangnail
• Benigna catches the bus!
• Psychic Aurora’s (the great GERALDINE CHAPLIN) painful discovery
• Laura learns the rules of the game, transforms and is invited into Tomas’ “little house”

1. Don’t read children’s books written by DAVID CRONENBERG

[More self-exploration HERE]

2. Don’t assume sharks are the biggest threat in the ocean!

[More on Glurpo HERE & HERE]

3. Don’t try to collect every STAR WARS toy!

[Found HERE]

4. MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL: Don’t put it in your mouth!

[Extended version HERE]

I suffered through an evening alone with several trauma inducing TV shows and commercials. This was the first time my parents allowed me to stay home by myself. I was maybe 10 years old. I wanted to watch WAR OF THE GARGANTUAS on Creature Double Feature (Channel 48 in Phila. in the ‘70s). They agreed, but said, “No company, and you can’t go outside.” I made it through the movie fine. It was what happened next that scared me out of my wits. The next offering on Creature Double Feature was some ghost story. I decided to find something light to take the edge off since it was now getting dark outside.

I flipped channels to find something to watch. I settled on the haunted house episode of WILD, WILD WEST. The one where they wake up in the house and their guns are rusted, like they had been there for years overnight. What are the odds that WILD, WILD WEST would be scary? It was to me, so I turned again. The commercial that was playing on the next station was for the weird magazine, Man, Myth and Magic. The face on the cover was, the devil I guess. Again, scary to me. I turned again, just in time to see JULIET MILLS channeling LINDA BLAIR in the ad for BEYOND THE DOOR. Well that was it! I spent the last half hour out on the front porch. What really scared me was that the shows and ads seemed, to my impressionable mind, to be timed to each twist of the T.V. dial - just like it was done purposely.

I saw THE WORLD BEYOND A.K.A. THE MUD MONSTER on the later side of puberty, which meant that I actually wanted to sit through it. For some inexplicable reason, the local TV station sometimes programmed this in place of after school cartoons. I would get get home from school, flip on the tube expecting Tom and Jerry, and instead be treated to this claustrophobic, supernatural thriller about a couple pursued through the woods by a creature made from mud and sticks. I remember turning it on to a scene where the guy comes upon a crude man-shape dug out of the earth: the ‘womb’ of the monster. My mom comes into the room and nonchalantly says, “It’s a mud monster. It has a skeleton of sticks”. I remember thinking. “How the fuck does she know that?” The reality of watching this kind of fare in the long, lonesome, post-school hours was terrifying enough, but what really sticks in my head is the scene where the guy is anxiously carrying a bag of anti-mud monster salt through the forest — and he drops it in a puddle, only to watch helplessly as it melts. This was my defining intro to psychological terror. As I remember it, the monster itself didn’t get much screen time.

KINDER UPDATE: For a full review and more pix of THE WORLD BEYOND a.k.a. THE MUD MONSTER look HERE

 

 JOSHUA JOHN MILLER (sometimes just JOSHUA MILLER) worked along side some of the greatest figures in modern horror including TOM ATKINS in HALLOWEEN 3: SEASON OF THE WITCH, CRISPEN GLOVER in RIVER’S EDGE, LANCE HENRICKSEN in NEAR DARK and be still my heart, ZELDA RUBENSTEIN in the rap mangling musical holocaust TEEN WITCH! (Top That!) In addition, his father is none other than JASON MILLER a.k.a. Father Karras in THE EXORCIST, so we’re talking genuine horror royalty here. His first novel THE MAO GAME was published in 1997 when he was just 21 and he went on to direct the film adaptation of it as well. No slouch in his youth and equally productive to this day, renaissance man JOSHUA JOHN MILLER certainly deserves to be recognized around the globe as an OFFICIAL KINDERTRAUMA TRAUMATOT!     

Note: This review is part of THE FINAL GIRL FILM CLUB! 

While out on the town, good ol’ boy Caleb Colton (ADRIAN PASDAR) meets a pouty young philly named Mae (I, MADMAN star and eighties fixture ROBIN WRIGHT) having her way with an ice cream cone. After some flirting, stargazing and hint-age that she’s not your average girl, Mae realizes that time has flown and begins to panic. She’s not worried about a whuppin’ from her father like Caleb suspects, but is really concerned that the light of day is going to turn her into a pile of smoking ashes. Although the script by HITCHER scribe ERIC RED is careful not to use the word “vampire” Mae’s nocturnal lifestyle choice is made explicit when rather than peck Caleb’s cheek when she departs, she chomps on his neck. Now infected as well, Caleb’s morning walk of shame across a field becomes life threatening when he himself begins to smolder in the light of the sun. Mae’s maniacal makeshift family arrives just in time to offer some shade and an opportunity for recruitment, but not before Caleb’s father Loy (TIM THOMERSON of DOLLMAN) and kid sis witness the occurrence and perceive it as a kidnapping. The rest of the film follows Caleb’s attempts to fit in with the band of criminally minded undead rogues and his struggle with the dilemma of killing in order to survive. It ultimately comes down to choosing between the two families, the stable one he grew up with who are busy tracking him down or the obviously more exciting, dirty faced, roving pack of transgressive creatures of the night. Director KATHERYNE BIGELOW’s hip, slick, blood sucking, spur twirling ode to the road is pretty impossible not to enjoy but it is NEAR DARK’s incredible cast that takes it over the top. Fresh off of ALIENS is LANCE HENRIKSEN, JENETTE GOLSTEIN and never-satiated scene chewer BILL PAXTON as the charismatic killer clan (you may even notice ALIENS on the marquee of the movie theater in town). Not to be forgotten is the youngest member of the tribe, the preternaturally creepy JOSHUA JOHN MILLER from RIVER’S EDGE who plays Homer, an aging, cynical spirit trapped in a young boy’s body and a cool WILLIAM BURROUGHS t-shirt. Born for cult worship, NEAR DARK is probably one of the most original vampire films ever made. Beyond the explosive action and indigo black humor, it never misses a beat showing the internal consequences of vampiric infection not only on the bitten but those that surround them.

• There’s no forgetting the honkey tonk siege, violent and disturbing but always strangely humorous as well.
• The daytime shootout at the motel packs a wallop. You may actually find yourself concerned about the safety of these merciless, nearly unkillable maniacs.
• lil’ Homer ignites