Hey here’s a movie that disturbed me as a child and I have not been able to figure out what movie it was. Not even Joe Bob Briggs could figure this one out, people working in underground movie shops just shrug. The movie was made in the ‘80s and it’s about two girls around the age of 8 who live on a beach. One is brunette and the other is blond, I think their mom is single and she hooks up with some guy who is their next-door neighbor. The guy gives the blond girl a camera for her birthday and the two girls go around taking pictures of everything. They sneak in on their neighbor having an affair with another woman and conspire to black mail him writing him threatening letters with photographic evidence. The adults freak out and everything, lots of drama.

But the part that freaked me out was the ending, the blond girl gets a hold of a revolver and shoots the guy to death at the end on the beach! Like I’m talking big bloody squibs, and the really awful part is the girl turns the gun on her brunette haired friend, the movie ends with a crying small girl running into the water with blood squibs bursting on her back! I use to watch every horror movie imaginable when I was young and was never bothered by any of them but this movie always filled me with a feeling of dread. It never occurred to me that kids could die violently before I saw that and I remember being seriously disturbed after the first viewing.

I saw this movie like more than once when I was a child because my sister kept renting it but she can’t even remember the title now. This was back in 1988 when I last saw it and I was in kindergarten. I think I eventually end up asking anyone I talk movies with about this movie, no one has seen it, plot summary search on IMDB brings up nothing. Really hard to find any info on it. I think it might have had the word SWEET or BABY or DARLING in the title.

UNK SEZ: Dear Charles, you made my day because I know exactly the movie you are talking about is! It’s from 1989, stars JOHN HURT and is entitled LITTLE SWEETHEART. In fact, that movie is actually based on a novel by ARTHUR WISE called NAUGHTY GIRLS which I read In my youth. Strangely enough, that book had such an impact on me that not only did we post the cover in the early days of Kindertrauma HERE but we also use a bastardized verson of its artwork as the kindertrauma Myspace avatar! I’ve never actually seen the film as I did not even know of its existence until recently but, considering the impression it left upon you, I’ll be tracking it down soon! You can check out the trailer HERE.

O.K., it is November 1978. I am about 18 months removed from seeing the infamous SUSPIRIA T.V. trailer and it’s still VERY fresh in my 11-year-old mind. I’m thinking I can “recover” as that was over a year ago. WRONG!!!! Why? Because another scary trailer is released! This is from a pre-Hannibal Lecter, ANTHONY– excuse me –SIR ANTHONY HOPKINS movie called MAGIC.

Basically it was about a ventriloquist, HOPKINS, who kept a killer evil dummy called “Fats.” The trailer is a shot of Fats sitting in front of a black background and scary orchestral strings play in the background. The camera slowly zooms in on Fats as he says a poem in a high pitched voice:

Abracadabra, I sit on his knee.
Presto, change-o, and now he is me!
Hocus Pocus, we take her to bed,
Magic is fun…we’re dead.

The camera keeps zooming in on his face as he speaks and when he says that last line “…………we’re dead,” he delivers it in an evil tone. He closes his eyes and the narrator comes on to tell who’s in it and who “presents it” all in a serious tone. As this goes on the white movie credits with title come on while Fats opens his eyes. They look around suspiciously and evil looking! His face looks to have a fiendish smile on it!

VERY UNNERVING!!!!!

O.K., it didn’t have the same “heart leap into throat” scare like that SUSPIRIA ad, but it was scary nevertheless! After seeing that I could never look at a ventriloquist dummy again without thinking it was alive and evil!

Great!

Back to back T.V. traumas! Looking back, I now wonder if those two trailers were done by the same company! Same black background! Anyway, the next year went by without an incident. However, in the spring of 1980 I had to deal with those “Grady Twins”!

GILLIGAN’S ISLAND was one of my favourite T.V. shows as a youth. However, there were some absolutely horrifying aspects to it:

• The giant spider Gilligan faced down
• Gilligan’s many “dream sequences,” especially the ones with him as a vampire and Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde (I couldn’t watch those!)
• All the references to HEADHUNTERS

Actually, death figured prominently in much of this “family comedy.” Bites by supposedly fatal bugs, Gilligan being fake-burnt atop a funeral pyre, quicksand…

At least there was Mary Ann in the halter-top and denim paint pants to look at!

UNK SEZ: Randy, I too loved GILLIGAN’S ISLAND as a kid! I will never forget that giant spider episode as long as I live. (You can read a little more about that spider HERE). Do you remember the one where they actually got off the island for a spell only to wind up in a castle with a mad scientist who switched their brains around? That’s the one that freaked me out. The scientist’s giant lab assistant Igor even ends up with Ginger’s personality! Thank god Ginger was returned to her usual beautiful self. I can’t imagine her in Igor form fitting into her “Honey Bees” wardrobe!

When I was a kid, 2 music videos made me wish I still wore diapers: “Land of Confusion” by GENESIS and “Rockit” by HERBIE HANCOCK. The former freaked me out - giant ugly Republican puppets flailing about, doing evil nasty things…and the T.V. show featuring them didn’t help either. It got so bad I couldn’t even hear the song without shuddering until I was in my teens.

“Rockit”…self explanatory. Empty house, freaky beat, robots….I still won’t watch that thing.

Look at that damned calendar! The year is over!! What the heck?! Remember good ol’ last year when we were able to do an overview of all the creepy kids that appeared in horror films over the year? Sure you do, it’s HERE. Well, what in the name of Rhoda Penmark are we supposed to do this year? Sure, kids appeared on the sidelines in movies like MIRRORS, but their presence seemed only required so that they could mutter faux-creepy slogans for use as gotcha moments in the movie’s trailers. THE ORPHANAGE ruled for sure, but one movie does not an end of year overview make and technically it was made in 2007.

If you’re anything like the frightening voices that torment me nonstop in my head, you’re probably screaming in a twisted hag voice “Unkle Lancifer, you need to get out more!” Yes, countless hours were wasted this year playing Lego Playstation games, I’ll grant you that, but remember I live in Bumblef*ck where the only films on the theater marquee are ROCHELLE, ROCHELLE and THE FLOWER THAT DRANK THE MOON. Adding insult to unjustifiable rationalization, TRICK R’ TREAT is still sadly M.I.A. and the U.K. flick THE CHILDREN is yet (to my knowledge) to jump across the pond.

What was I to do? How was I to make any kind of statement about kids in horror in 2008? I think there was a kid in that French movie FRONTIERS, I assume there was a zombie tyke in QUARANTINE, and didn’t some kids try to warn people to stay clear of THE RUINS? A spiraling spurious non-list began to form in my mind’s eye. Who was I kidding? Then, there I was at my wits end and fantasizing about fashioning a noose from NERDS ROPE when I received a message from a carrier vulture named Saint Antonio Sanchez informing me that maybe perhaps I should check out LET THE RIGHT ONE IN…

LET THE RIGHT ONE IN makes up for everything, and it saved my year. I’m not just saying this because I was on the precipice of the abyss when we met; I mean it. Even outside the realm of horror it may be the best movie of the year, it certainly and without question is the Kindertraumiest. Aunt John has no say in this matter whatsoever; I’m prepared to skip camp if rebuffed. I, with the power of Grayskull and inspired by this unique film, have decreed that a new award must be forged for future years and that award is the KINDERTRAUMA MOVIE OF THE YEAR! That’s right, it’s official, LET THE RIGHT ONE IN is KINDERTRAUMA MOVIE OF THE YEAR! We must all listen to MORRISSEY (to whom it owes its title) today in celebration.

What is so special about this movie and what can I tell you about it without ruining it? First of all, I’d just like to say this movie does not spaz out and get all up in your face. That is very important to me. It’s calm and peaceful yet stand warned, it’s not afraid to smack you around a little when you start feeling too secure and cozy. It’s about actual human connection, how we change the people who come into our lives and how they change us. More importantly, it shows how outsiders can identify themselves in each other and gather strength from their alliance. (Call me nuts but REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE and THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE sprung to my mind not to mention E.T. with a taste for blood). To top it all off there is mucho snow (my cinematic Achilles heal) and the whole thing is filmed as simply and as exquisitely as humanly possible.

It is a “horror” movie for sure, but I have to point out that it reflects the actual universe that we live in far more accurately than most non-horror films (Certainly more than all the superhero, wedding disaster and dopey buddy flicks released this year combined). This is the real deal folks. The main characters may be twelve (even twelve for a looooong time) but their ability to bond without judgment and care for each other is something you rarely get to see in films that feature characters of any age.

Less you think I’m reviewing SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING COFFIN, I should inform you that many people die undeserving deaths within this film and at the hands of these spiritual and soulful characters. Well, what can I tell you? You got to break eggs before you devil them and I’m so enamored with these kooky kids that if that’s what keeps ‘em writing love notes and teaching each other the Rubik’s Cube, so be it. (By the way, apparently there is no moral question in my mind concerning the film’s final poolside massacre as I laughed whole heartily and gleefully all through it, I may have even clapped).

I really don’t want to say much more as I don’t want to spoil anything, but GO see this movie! If it’s not playing around you yet go buy the book it’s based on by JOHN AJIDE LINDQVIST instead (I’m devouring it now). This is the type of horror tale that comes around far too rarely and, like a long lost soul mate, it lifts the genre up to a whole new level.

P.S. Many films have attempted the proverbial “attacked by cats” scene with questionable to borderline comical results. This is due to the rookie mistake of actually throwing live cats onto people in order to simulate the melee. Not so in LET THE RIGHT ONE IN, I’m so happy now that somebody has finally done it right!

My mother re-married and my new step father decided that POLTERGEIST II was a fine film to go and enjoy. I had seen the first one and while grossed out and a little creeped out by a few scenes… I was far from traumatized by it. Now I will utter a four word phrase that frankly starts a lot of stories that end badly…

Then…he… drank… tequila.

The sight of CRAIG T. NELSON gagging and puking up that horrible worm, then its morphing into that disgusting man-thing and slithering off down the hardwood… I am in my 30’s and even to this day I cannot drink the bottom out of a bottle of soda, or the last third from any vessel I cannot see through, unless I use a straw that I bite hard so nothing more than the barest slip of liquid can get through.

AUNT JOHN SEZ: Kids, let this be a lesson to everyone planning on imbibing New Year’s Eve libations tonight… stick to beer, stay in the clear, and for the love of CRAIG T. NELSON… just say NO to Cuervo!

This SESAME STREET sketch used to scare the bejeezus out of me.

I used to make sure my feet were covered up and not hanging over the edge of the bed lest they be munched on.

Also THE WATCHER IN THE WOODS, the Disney “horror” movie. It had stuff in it about spelling things backwards, mirrors, and girls with blindfolds. Am I even thinking of the right movie? Anyway, it’s still lovingly remembered as my first taste of scary movies/the occult.

Also, DAVID BOWIE’s crotch in LABYRINTH both scared and fascinated me.

UNK SEZ: Dear Laura, it behooves me to report that while searching for a proper image of Mr. BOWIE’s crotch to illustrate your traumafession I stumbled across something that may traumatize you even further. “A scientific look at DAVID BOWIE’s package” can be found HERE!

OK, WAY back in the early ‘70s I was a little kid who, of course, grew up watching Saturday morning cartoons and “Wonderama” on Sunday morning (I’m in my early 40’s and I live in the NY, NJ, Conn Tri-State area). After school on weekdays it was, after homework of course, BUGS BUNNY, THE LITTLE RASCALS, FELIX THE CAT, and various PBS kids programs. I was allowed to watch some prime time T.V. ‘till it was bed time (around 8 PM). Here in the late afternoon/early evening I caught various programs.

My favorite prime time show was EMERGENCY (see, I’m an old geezer!) and also at the time, I got to see syndicated re-runs of THE AVENGERS. Good times! However, also at that time in the early ‘70s there were various public service advertisements that aired. Some were the classic “Cross at the green, not in between,” an anti-smoking add that had a dolphin jump out of a tank to pluck a lit cigarette out of a man’s mouth, the famous crying Indian in an anti-pollution ad, plus there was another one that was about, if I remember correctly, racism that showed a chain that was unwound and stretched till it began to crack.

Very effective.

There was another one that was out that freaked me out and it came out in 1972. It was a P.S.A. for the U.N.C.F.. There were several out and they always ended with the tag line “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.” Well, this one featured a man, who may, or may not be either BILLY D. WILLIAMS or CARL WEATHERS (he does resemble them), sitting in a chair in an empty room staring out into space. We hear the sounds of a city in the background, a baby crying, a radio being tuned and a clock’s chimes going off. After that we just hear the sound of water dripping out of the tap. A narrator then comes on and he gives a speech about the importance of education and how one can do world changing things like fighting injustice, becoming an artist, making peace and curing diseases. He then goes on to say that this cannot be possible if one does not get an education.

This is good BUT something is happening as the man talks: The guy in the chair is LOOSING HIS HEAD!!!! It’s slowly vanishing!

YIKES!!!

Now this is doing a good job of proving that point especially as it ends with the classic “A mind is a terrible thing to waste” but as a then 5-year old, I found this VERY UNNERVING!!!! The guy’s head disappears!!! That quiet part with him staring and looking worried with the water drip helped set that mood and then his head slowly vanished! VERY disturbing indeed! That image would stay in my mind for many years! That image would be replaced in the summer of 1977 by even something worse but that has been covered already!

I started reading Kindertrauma a few months ago and I love it. Anyways, I have this horrifying memory of a movie I watched when I was a kid and I cannot figure out what it is. I have tried asking on other message boards, and no one can figure it out. I figured you guys are pretty good at this from what I’ve seen, so I figured I’d give it a try. So this is what I remember:

I think it was about a woman who’s daughter had been killed (possibly by being hit by a car? or maybe the woman had been the one who hit her?) Anyways, this woman kept finding stuffed animals around. She found a stuffed rabbit in her freezer with a knife through it and blood. I also remember her backing up her car and hitting something and she got out and under her tire was a stuffed panda and it was raining out.

Those are mainly what I remember. Some details might have gotten mixed up in my memory, but I remember the stuffed animals really freaked me out.

I saw this in the early ‘90s sometime. I’m 23, so I was probably 7 or so when I saw it (I was born in ‘85). I was watching LOVE BOAT and it came on afterwards, so it aired during the day sometime. It could have been a made-for-T.V. movie.

I have tried for years to figure out this movie. It gave me nightmares for years and I’m still a little scared of my grandma’s office. She’s a shrink, and I was watching it in one of the empty offices near hers while waiting for her to finish work. I was so scared I refused to go near that room again and sat outside her door until she was finished that day.

So any help is greatly appreciated! Thanks!

Hey Kiddies! Your Unkle Lancifer and Aunt John found this nifty review from Kinderpal LaDracul stuck in our Christmas stocking this year! We had almost forgot what a weird trippy nightmare this made-for-television version of BABES IN TOYLAND is. Big thanks to LaDracul for reminding us!

Unlike the LAUREL & HARDY classic MARCH OF THE WOODEN SOLDIERS or the 1961 Disney version with ANNETTE FUNICELLO, the T.V. version of BABES IN TOYLAND from 1986 was pretty darned scary. Nosferatu, compost monsters, a one eyed bird whose eye was like a crystal ball…what was this doing in a Christmas movie, you ask?

The story starts out with a girl named Lisa (DREW BARRYMORE) who is 11 and more concerned with being a homemaker rather than just being a kid. Her sister Mary (JILL SCHOELEN from POPCORN and the ROBERT ENGLUND version of PHANTOM OF THE OPERA) works at a toyshop for her horrible boss Mr. Barney (RICHARD MULLIGAN from SOAP and EMPTY NEST) a guy who is dishonest and makes sexual advances on her. Ick. Also working there are Jack (a then unknown KEANU REEVES) and his friend George (GOOGY GRESS from STUCK ON YOU) who can’t stand their boss either. On Christmas Eve, a storm blows through their town of Cincinatti (which I’m wondering how many times it’s mentioned in this film), events similar to the beginning of THE WIZARD OF OZ take place, the four heroes are rushing home in Jack’s jeep when Lisa falls out on her new sled, hitting a tree and somehow landing in Toyland.

Toyland is filled with two groups: Nursery Rhyme people and Furries. Lots and lots of Furries. But the Furries aren’t the disturbing part. Lisa crash lands into a huge wedding cake meant for a wedding that’s not supposed to take place. A girl named Mary Contrary is being made to marry Barnaby Barnacle, a very unwashed old man who dresses like a Visual Kei artist and has two dumb, impervious to sunlight Nosferatu that sound like the Tasmanian Devil. The only reason Mary would even consent to this is because he owns her house, and he’s keeping her from the man she really likes, Jack Nimble, Jr. It turns out Barnaby is also Jack’s uncle, and is preventing him from rightfully taking over his late father’s cookie factory. And Barnaby has gone too far this time-he and the creepy Nosferatu have taken the cookies underground and blamed Jack for stealing them. Fortunately, Lisa is willing to do what’s right for her new friends, even breaking Jack out of jail.

But they all need help, so they go to the Toymaster (PAT effin’ MORITA), who’s revealed to them that he’s bottled up the essence of evil, to keep it in safe keeping. Of course, Barnaby finds this out through Trollog, this Cyclops bird that looks like a SID & MARTY KROFFT reject that has a crystal ball eye. So he’s sent his goons to capture the good guys and get the bottle, but Lisa outsmarts the bird by having it peck at their ropes, painting up its eye, and locking him in a trunk. Of course, this just makes Barnaby intent on making Lisa his new Trollog, and turning the others into monsters. But she’s determined not to let that happen as she sings that Cincinatti song from the beginning of the movie and then they’re all singing and break out to defeat the trolls, that look like compost heaps.

I’ll spare the details on what happens, but you get:

• The world’s worst go-cart chase
• KEANU punching out EMPTY NEST guy
• Happy Ending and Ending ripped off from THE WIZARD OF OZ

I was surprised to find out the late PAUL ZINDEL (who wrote a lot of terrific young adult books) was also the screenwriter. I don’t know why the filmmakers decided to blatantly rip off THE WIZARD OF OZ, but it was still better than THE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS.

Winter is upon us. Gone are the halcyon days of summer. Gone are the robust, crisp bountiful days of fall. Now is the time of year that I shelve my childish concerns about coming face to face with Bigfoot and start spending my time fretting about something real. Of course, I speak of the dreaded Yeti!!!

Bigfoot, as smelly and giant sized as he may be, is a walk in Yosemite National Park when compared with his frosty albino cousin. The Bigfoot I know, and secretly love, is a wilting violet for the most part. He slinks through the forest and wants nothing more than to be left alone with his thought(s). Much like the senselessly demonized great white shark, he only gets violent when modern man gets all up in his grill. Yeti, on the other hand, has no reservations about screaming and howling in your face like he’s auditioning for an APHEX TWIN video. Yeti is looking for trouble.

Yeti, a.k.a The Abominable Snowman, has had several films made depicting his fascinating lifestyle. Unfortunately, as is the case with the Bigfoot canon, most Yeti films tend to disappoint his ravenous fan base. (I would count SNOWBEAST among his few successes just as NIGHT OF THE DEMON is Bigfoot’s ultimate ode). SHRIEK OF THE MUTILATED, which basically shares the exact same plot as NIGHT OF THE DEMON (a teacher takes his students to an isolated place to investigate a monster who picks them all off one by one), gives us zero new information about the mysterious creature, unless you count the assertion that the beast wears tennis shoes.

The biggest problem (out of literally a zillion) with SHRIEK is that our pal Yeti doesn’t look so hot. He’s not scary period. This particular incarnation of the monster has been described as looking like everything from a department store Santa wearing a fur coat to a high school sports mascot gone berserk. I myself can only think of a large-scale version of HONK the fuzzy alien from THE FAR OUT SPACE NUTS. (Side note about HONK: HONK was portrayed brilliantly by PATTY MALONEY who was also little Lumpy in THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL and Twiki’s girlfriend Tina on BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25th CENTURY- take that LINDA HUNT!)

As dopey as the sometimes-frolicking monster is, he’s partially camouflaged by the fact that everything and everybody else in the movie is pretty cruddy too. There’s really not one moment of normal human behavior to be found anywhere. Suffice to say, I love, love, love, SHREIK OF THE MUTILATED. Directed by MICHAEL FINDLAY who was responsible for the crap-fest SNUFF, and written by the genius that penned INVASION OF THE BLOOD FARMERS, SHREIK offers something much more valuable than quality, it’s actually fun to watch. If you enjoy early JOHN WATERS or any HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS then this is absolutely your bag and a must see. Unfortunately, in real life director FINDLAY had one of those dreaded freak decapitation by helicopter blade things happen to him so we’ll never know what other hilarious trash he had in his noggin’.

*One sad thing I have to report is that although a current DVD does have all of SHRIEK’s blood and gore finally at our disposal, due to freakin’ lame copyright crap that ruins everything, the song “Popcorn” which garnished the film’s original version is M.I.A. You might not think that it would make a difference but it does, “Popcorn” has no substitute!!!!

Hey Kids!!!! Sick already of celebrating the holidays? Friends and family got you ready to go nutzo? Why not celebrate SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 2’s Garbage Day instead with this nifty postcard? Simply print out the amateurishly photoshopped image, cut and glue it to a piece of heavy stock paper and then stamp it and send it on it’s way. Imagine your postman’s surprise when he realizes that you are more unstable then he is!

This year your Unkle Lancifer decided to give himself the ultimate holiday present by plopping down on the couch and watching all five SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT movies in a row. Did he survive? Did he go mad? You be the judge….

SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT may have been controversial upon its release, but the years have definitely softened its edges. It’s hard to imagine anyone getting too upset over what today feels more like a dark satiric comedy. Mad mothers may have took umbrage to television spots depicting a vengeful Saint Nick but let’s face it folks, scaring kids into behaving well is a Christmas tradition as old as the holiday itself. As tongue in cheek as much of SILENT is, it does indeed earn its stripes as an eighties slasher. Scream queen LINNEA QUIGLEY’s demise is a classic kill all the way and a featured slay ride beheading of a bully truly satisfies. It’s all much more sleek and compact then you’d be lead to expect and it’s far cleverer as well. LILYAN CHAUVIN, as an intimidating Mother Superior, takes her role seriously and makes a much more frightening impression than the psychologically damaged Billy who dresses up as Santa to dispose of those who have been “naughty.” Mother Superior is no match for Grandpa (WILL HARE) though, a phony mute who steals his few scenes with a memorable, twisted Popeye grimace. You’d really have to be a Scrooge not to enjoy what SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT has to offer. It might not have the class of something like BLACK CHRISTMAS, but it’s perfect for those who prefer beer to spiked eggnog.

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT PART 2 is a scam but, as far as scams go, it’s hard to stay mad at. Focusing on the younger brother of the original film’s killer we are presented with flashback after flashback of the first film. Ricky can even recall the horrible death of his parents by a mad man in a Santa Claus suit even though he was but an infant at the time! There is some interesting editing between the two films, but it’s pretty obvious that we are being presented with about half of an original movie. What we do see of Ricky’s life is that it mirrors his brother’s closely. He too is a tall drink of water that tends to go ballistic when he sees the color red or a nun’s habit. Whether the two brothers were more damaged by witnessing the horrible rape and murder of their parents or by their stay at a nun run orphanage is up for debate. Once we get all the filler out of the way, S.N.D.N.2 earns trash classic status. Actor ERIC FREEMAN’s interpretation of Ricky is sort of ROWDY RODDY PIPER meets JOAN CRAWFORD, and his mid-day rampage on a suburban street is intoxicatingly postal. He too gets to eventually have a show down with the now inexplicably facially scared Mother Superior, but not before he gets to belch out the immortal line, “It’s garbage day!” right before shooting a man for taking out his trash.

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 3: BETTER WATCH OUT! pushes our tale to its limits. Ricky (now played by BILL MOSELEY) we learn did not actually die in the last installment and is now a Frankenstein-ish medical oddity with a glass salad bowl dome over his head that exposes his brain. Stranger still, he now has a psychic connection to a blind woman. Directed by the usually respectable MONTE HELLMAN, S.N.D.N.3’s biggest sin is not its ludicrous plot or even its ponderous dialogue, but it’s slow as molasses on Christmas morning pacing. Even still, it does have one of the more interesting casts in the series; besides the aforementioned MOSELEY, there’s ROBERT CULP and a troika of DAVID LYNCH alum: ERIC DA RE and RICHARD BEYMER from TWIN PEAKS and future MULHOLLAND DRIVE star LAURA HARRING. None are given much to do in this sadly gore-less third outing, which turns out to be the last gasp of the original’s story line.

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 4: THE INITIATION is considered by most people to be the low point in the series, but your Unkle Lancifer is not most people. Directed by BRIAN YUZNA, and featuring such notables as MAUD ADAMS, REGGIE BANNISTER, CLINT HOWARD and even more amazingly, ALLYCE BEASLEY, Part 4 is a topsy-turvy fever dream of feminist cults, trippy body distortion and squishy jumbo insects care of SCREAMING MAD GEORGE. It has little to do with the earlier installments, outside a brief glimpse of Part 3 on a television screen and it’s Christmastime backdrop (it actually would work as a better sequel to YUZNA’s SOCIETY). Released in the U.K. as BUGS, this movie is a lunatic collage that really deserves to be taken on it’s own terms. It may leave killer Santa fans on the side of the road waving their fists in the air, but this is just the type of funky late-eighties, straight-to-video fare that yours truly lives for.

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 5: THE TOYMAKER saves the big guns for last and by big guns, I mean MICKEY ROONEY. Maybe I saw the television movie BILL at a far too young age, but ROONEY has always scared the living daylights out of me. His work in the film THE MANIPULATOR still sends shivers down my spine. As someone who requires a certain amount of personal space to be content, something about ROONEY’s demeanor makes me think he would not deliver it to me. He comes off as a close talker who’s always gotta shove his donkey-braying, elfin mug way too close. In this movie he seems a bit more sober than usual, but he does do a lot of screaming and eventually beats the crap out of his son. Strangely I kind of preferred this evil ROONEY over his usual more jovial-than-thou persona. ROONEY plays Joe Petto, the titular toymaker, and his son is “Pino.” Wacky Pinocchio references aside, this is kind of your standard killer toy movie, but the toys are a bit lamer than usual. The one exception is the SCREAMING MAD GEORGE creation “Larry the Larvae” who gets to tunnel through a man’s head by way of his mouth and then pops out of his eye. Folks wondering about the fate of Part 4’s main character will find her here as a friendly neighbor offering advice learned from experience.

All in all, the SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT series certainly has its weak moments but every once in a while, it delivers in bloody spades. Nothing really touches upon the first film’s simple brilliance, but that is usually the case in most horror franchises. Ironically by the end, the series achieves just what JOHN CARPENTER had in mind with HALLOWEEN 3, a selection of loosely interlocking tales centered on a specific holiday. They might not be the most expensive toys in the sack, but at least they are dependably entertaining. I was convinced that after watching all five in a row I would be crying Unkle, but instead I find myself itching for a Part 6!!!

Perennial yuletide special RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER features not only a cast of societal outcasts seeking to overcome their marginalized statuses, but also one of the most traumatizing creations to come ever out of the legendary RANKIN & BASS doll-mation factory. O.K., maybe the second most terrifying after Miss Lilly Lorraine, but the Bumble Snow Monster of the North (BUMBLE for short) has cut a pretty scaring swatch in the collective psyches of footed-pajama wearers across the world.

As if the verbal humiliation heaped on titular star RUDOLPH and his, closeted, aspiring dentist, pal HERMEY weren’t enough to make kids cry, the big ol’ nasty BUMBLE, with his google-y eyes, sharp teeth, and luxurious coat of white fur, makes ones of those dramatically unexpected, snowy entrances on par with the crazy scythe-wielding lady from CURTAINS. Just like any great horror antagonist, the BUMBLE has his own unique set of weaknesses: he sinks in water; he prefers pork to deer meat; and he is rendered powerless after having all of his teeth extracted by an effeminate, armchair dentist.

Based purely on the anecdotal evidence presented by Reader Miriam67’s comment, the BUMBLE is still striking terror in tiny viewers. Should you have a wee-one scared silly by this beast, please sit them and show them this ameliorative clip*:

*Is it just your AUNT JOHN or does the BENNY HILL theme make everything, how you say, all the more H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S? (And yes, I’m looking at you TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE!)

This has been driving me crazy for years. I remember seeing a movie or T.V. special that centered around a young girl (possibly British) teaching what appeared to be monsters (people in costumes) all about Christmas. It may have been on Showtime. It wasn’t so traumatic for myself, but deemed un-holiday like for my other relatives.

AUNT JOHN SEZ: That sounds ho-ho-horrible! If anyone knows the answer to Eugene’s Christmas query, please email it to us or leave it in the comments.

As a special public service announcement to all of the chain jewelry store managers within our readership, your Unkle Lancifer and I would like to make everyone aware of a little thief hitting up all the malls up and down the East coast. You see, it was just yesterday that I, in my kerchief, and Unkle Lancifer, in his cap, set out for Kay Jewelers to shoplift me one of them there to-die-for Open Hearts Necklaces by Jane Seymour™.

Lancifer and I had our whole grift planned out: I would try on the necklace; he would tell me that it really brings out the brown in my eyes; I would giggle and tell the shop girl that we really couldn’t afford such a beautiful piece of jewelry; she would yawn and smile uncomfortably; Lancifer would then fake an epileptic seizure, causing a distraction, and then I would slip off to the food court with necklace while pandemonium ensued. We would then meet up later at the Orange Julius, and maybe split some waffle fries from the Chick-fil-A.

It was a solid plan (and we’ve used it before successfully to get ourselves some Snuggies from Two Guys).

Anyhows, when we arrived at the shoppe, the display cases were bare… since our little nemesis Penny Woods had already been there.

Check out the surveillance tape below. She sometimes works with an accomplice who pretends to steal her wallet. She is not to be trusted.

AUNT JOHN SEZ: Hey kids, with relatively few shoplifting days left until X-Mas, your Unkle Lancifer and I are off today looking for some last-minute steals. Thankfully, Kinderpal Mickster was kind enough to pass along this essay she received from Sam Snowman, narrator of the RANKIN & BASS classic RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER. Take it away Sam:

It has come to my attention that the North Pole has become a hotbed for intolerance over the years. I believe that I have pinpointed the source of this lack of understanding. Santa Claus himself appears to be the catalyst for the effects plaguing this area. Santa, by his example, has made clear that individuals considered “misfits” should be taunted and bullied. Let us look at the list of offenders.

Donner is the first to notice that there is something different about his son, Rudolph. Immediately, he panics because he knows Santa will not tolerate such differences. This is soon confirmed when Santa comes by to congratulate the couple on the birth of their son. When Santa sees the red nose, he warns Donner that Rudolph won’t be able to pull his sleigh in the future, if his nose remains red. Donner, regardless of his wife’s objections, decides to hide Rudolph’s nonconformity so that others will accept him.

The Head Elf has obviously been trained well by Santa to squash nonconformists like bugs. His borderline violent reaction to Hermey’s dream to be a dentist drives that point home. How dare Hermey want to do anything other than toy making?

Comet and the other reindeer start making fun of Rudolph the moment his red nose is revealed thus revealing that they too have been infected by the trickle down effects of prejudice.

An unidentified person obviously banished the misfit toys to the island ruled by King Moonracer. Though I can’t be certain, I speculate that Santa was involved. Of course, he would not want the world to think he produces misfit toys. The only way to make the problem disappear would be to get rid of those toys.

Discrimination against females is also a huge problem in the North Pole. Santa belittles Mrs. Claus at every opportunity, and Donner totally disregards his wife’s opinions on the subject of child rearing. When it comes time to search for Rudolph, Donner is quick to tell Mrs. Donner that this is, “Man’s work.”

With all these examples of intolerance, I want to assure you that there are a few individuals with accepting hearts:

• Mrs. Donner wants to do right by her son, but she allows her husband to make all the decisions
• Clarice accepts Rudolph and even finds his difference attractive. She risks punishment from her father to help Rudolph
• Yukon Cornelius calls Hermey and Rudolph misfits, but does decide to help them in spite of their differences
• King Moonracer allows the misfit toys to inhabit his island. He tells Rudolph that he cannot hide from his problems. He also requests that Rudolph speak on the behalf of the misfit toys when he returns to Christmas Town

In the end, it took the misfits’ rescue of Donner, Mrs. Donner, and Clarice for individuals to admit their prejudices. Donner apologized to his son, the head elf agreed to let Hermey open a dentist office, Santa asked Rudolph to pull his sleigh, and Santa agreed to pick up the misfit toys.

Unfortunately, a tall, bespectacled elf that wishes to remain anonymous shared his opinion with me, “You can’t teach an old elf new tricks. Santa is still an intolerant douche bag. He only agreed to have Rudolph pull his sleigh because of the great blizzard, not because he accepts him.” He went on to add this chilling detail, “There is proof that Santa dumped the misfit toys over Siberia with nothing but an umbrella to cushion their fall.”