Kindertrauma Funhouse
A Salute to Patricia of Widow's Bay by Mickster
Widow’s Bay is by far my favorite show of 2026. Patricia (played expertly by Kate O’Flynn) is the standout of the series. Patricia is a wonderfully awkward badass!
From middle-aged mean girls to the Boogie Man, she handles it all in season one. Speaking of those middle-aged mean girls, they appear prominently in two Patriciacentric episodes from this season. Episode four “Beach Reads” illustrates what happens to Patricia when she tries too hard to impress the “mean girls” from her high school years. A “helpful” party planning guide appears, and she begins following the instructions for her “Sunset cocktails” party. Before the arrival of this book, Patricia is humiliated at a get-together at a former classmate’s house. It is in this moment the audience gets to know why she has become an object of ridicule by this group of “ladies.” The events of “Sunset cocktails” are seen initially through Patricia’s eyes, but as the party progresses, the audience sees that things are not quite as they appear to our hostess. It’s Carrie (1976) meets The Wicker Man (1974).
Episode eight “Your Baggage” finds Patricia faced with the literal Boogie Man from her youth. Throughout the season, she alludes to her experience as a teen being stalked and almost killed by the Boogie Man—those middle-aged mean girls dispute her story and use it as an excuse to treat her as an object of ridicule. When the long-thought-dead Boogie Man appears at her home, an awesome game of cat and mouse begins that at one point ends up at the home of the main mean girl (she gets some taser gun comeuppance…ZAP!). Patricia ends up being the queen final girl. No slasher movie would have subsequent sequels if Patricia was the final girl because she’d make damn sure the slasher villain was not just dead but REALLY dead! It’s Halloween (1978) and Friday the 13th Part II (1981) villains meet a final girl who doesn’t make dumb mistakes.
Guys, if you don’t subscribe to Apple TV, it is worth a trial subscription just to binge-watch this fantastic horror comedy series. Perhaps you will also appreciate Patricia, aka Queen of the Final Girls!
Evil Dead Burn
Spoiler Alert. Please don’t read any further if you have not seen EVIL DEAD BURN. Go on, scram. Get stepping. Vamoose. O.K. All clear?Um, I was under the impression that we as a society had decided that we were not going to kill dogs in movies? Did I just imagine that? Are we not all on the same page? I mean, I realize all bets are off in a horror film but didn’t we all have some sort of unsaid agreement on this matter? Intellectually, I know it’s not real, but it still bums me out and throws a wrench in the re-watch factor. Luckily, I was indeed warned of the canine death in EVIL DEAD BURN and so was able to properly prepare myself, but I’m still not a fan & did it have to be so aggressive and with a fork? I will say that the pooch in question, “Max” does come back as a possessed puppy for a spell and that is a comfort but it’s of the cold variety on account of he has to be killed once again! I guess I’ll just choose to be happy that it wasn’t a cat…or a squirrel…or a baby raccoon (like the one in my yard the other night!). Anyway, this movie makes a lot of questionable choices storywise and left me partially confused on a few fronts. Suffice to say even though I’ve seen every EVIL DEAD film multiple times, I may be rusty on the rules and regulations. I’ll just go with it and assume anything can happen and the guardrails are fluid. In any case, this here move is dark, grim, and merciless. There’s usually a space right before the final confrontation in a movie when yours truly can run off to the rest room but not so here! No space! I had to wait! Plus, there’s two after credits scenes so I had to wait extra long! While listening to French rap Music!
Poor Alice (Souheila Yacoub) has just lost her abusive husband William (George Pullar) due to his raging out at her and then driving drunk smack into a deadite remnant of EVIL DEAD RISE and burning in the wreckage. As far as deadly accidents go, it’s rather fortuitous as the scary possessed deadite he runs into (and inadvertently decapitates) was in the midst of hunting down Will’s family on account of their deceased grampy was hoarding the powerful Kandarian dagger which is basically deadite kryptonite. After an extremely awkward funeral service in which Will’s burnt corpse covertly infects his grieving father Edgar (menacing Erroll Shand), the depressed group returns to the family homestead to console themselves with unappetizing food. Besides Alice and Pa, there’s mopey momma Susan (Tandi Wright: AKA, Yikes, the mom from PEARL (2022)), grumpy grammy Polly (Maude Davey), Will’s beyond feckless brother Joseph (Hunter Doohan) and his ill-fated girlfriend Thya (Luciane Buchanan). The festivities are as healing as you’d expect for a clan whose home decor is clearly inspired by RESIDENT EVIL 7: BIOHAZARD (actually, the joint is a carryover from ASH VS. EVIL DEAD but either way, it's begging for a paint job). As said, dad is not quite himself and after losing any chance of being hired as a dog sitter by me, folks are falling like flies in the grizzliest ways imaginable.
I’m not exactly on board with the structure of the story or the semi-cluttered nature of it, but EDB certainly gets its themes of family dysfunction, abuse and entrapment across very clearly. What the film really has going for it is its eye-popping (or gouging) set pieces (including an impressive rooftop scramble) and super creative (Raimi would be proud) use of the camera. There are moments in which I was wishing I was crossed-eyed as it might be the only way I could catch everything that was occurring on screen. Obviously, much here is inspired by the previous installments but director Sebastien Vanicek (2023’s INFESTED) clearly brings his own extreme (and notably French) vision to the table, brutal and brunt though it may be. The CG laden, TERMINATOR-esque conclusion is a bit bombastic for sure but it’s hard not get behind the flick’s final heroine when she finally gets the opportunity to face her own complicity in her abusive relationship and confront and dispose of her abuser, albeit posthumously. In the end, I almost felt it was a better companion piece tho LEE CRONIN’S THE MUMMY than RISE but that’s what it gets for being so darn mean spirited and featuring a crazed granny as its near lone source of comic relief. Oh, that poor dog Max, what a way to go. If only he died attempting to save the family rather than in the midst of trusting his caretaker. Broke my little heart.
Traumafession:: Wendy on Death Smiles on a Murderer (1973)
Hello,
This is a movie I saw in Cuba when I was around 7-8 years old. The title they gave it there was “The Dangerous Blonde”, so it was very hard for me to find it once here in US.
The title is “Death Smiles on the murderer”. The death mask haunted me for many years. The whole atmosphere is tenebrous and funereal. The actress looks “not completely alive” (although not a zombie either) when she is in her normal condition making her appearance very ominous in any form.
Thank you,
Wendy
Masters of the Universe
I wasn’t sure if I should bring up Travis Knight’s MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE on these pages but hey, the movie features some awesome looking monsters (Beast Man!, Moss Man!, Mer Man! Etc.) so I say it’s all kinds of welcome here. Who knows, maybe Skeletor’s evil glowing eyes will freak out a few kids and create future Kindertraumas? One can hope. Yours truly was a smidge too old when the toys and eighties cartoon first appeared but I was well aware of the characters thanks to my friend’s younger siblings and the ubiquitous TV commercials. My knowledge of He-man and his friends and enemies battling it out on the distant planet of Eternia is mostly limited to my yearly watch of the incredible HE-MAN & SHE-RA: A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL ('85) which I can not praise enough. It’s dopey, corny, charming and hilarious and my Christmas season would not be the same without it. Still, I don’t have the extensive childhood nostalgia that many people close to my age do. It’s fine though because I certainly do have an extensive childhood nostalgia for thereliable mood enhancer known as FLASH GORDON (’80) and I think the new MOTU works as a direct homage to that fantastic spirit-cleansing film and may be the closest thing to a remake/sequel of it that I’m ever going to see. Its even got Brian May of QUEEN shredding up the proceedings (BTW: I’m so glad I saw this gem in Dolby)!
MOTU is a sort of a reverse WIZARD OF OZ tale. Young, insecure Prince Adam is thrown of of the colorful world of Eternia for his own safety and lands in our bland reality forever searching for his lost sword which can return him home. As an adult, Adam’s honesty about his extraordinary background has him looking like a lunatic but he never loses hope or conforms. Eventually he does indeed track down his magical weapon but his connection to it instantly attracts the attention of his arch-nemesis Skeletor. Soon with help from childhood chum Teela, Adam returns to his rightful world and is tasked with saving it from the forces of darkness and oppression. Nicholas Galitzine (THE CRAFT: LEGACY) is perfect as the humorously naive and guileless Prince Adam/He-man who eventually learns his power is in his heart, not his sword, Camila Mendes (DO REVENGE) endears as formidable besty/love interest Teela and my pal Idris Alba (ALIEN: PROMETHEUS) rules as Duncan/Man-at-Arms, her hardy yet inebriated father who is looking to get his mojo back (he’d be my favorite character if there wasn’t a giant green cat named Cringer running around). Jared Leto and Alison Brie seem to be having the time of their lives as camptastic villains Skeletor and Evil-Lyn, who zealously deliver the snickering goods.
As I write this MOTU has already left most theaters and is considered a box office disappointment but it’s reassuring to know that most people who have witnessed its offbeat charm and inspiring attitude thoroughly enjoyed it. Even as an on-the-fence fan without much background with the franchise (besides the X-mas special, of course), it was able to make me feel like a kid again with its spectacle and rousing nature. It sincerely feels like the ultimate summer movie to me. The fight scenes are impressively innovative and feel like comic panels sprung to radiant life, the environments are eye-poppingly gorgeous and otherworldly, the characters/creatures are fantastic and stunning and the classic Good vs Evil storytelling is engaging and satisfying. It may be based on 40 year old material but it’s a blast of fresh air thanks to its refusal to sink into the dark, drab monotones that most modern fantasy/hero tales do. I loved every second of it and I made sure to give this silly slice of escapism my highest compliment, I went and saw it twice. O.K. that was a lie. I saw it three times. In the future, when it’s on physical media, I will take it like a pill to cure my depression. For this movie, financially successful or not, has the power!!!
Backrooms
I wasn’t aware of the initial creepypasta photo or viral web series that inspired Kane Parsons’ singularly unsettling BACKROOMS but it somehow seems strangely familiar to me anyway. I feel like I actually know and have experienced such liminal spaces in dreams my whole life. Most my dreams are about cat wrangling for sure, but on many occasions I’m just a poor sap trying to find his way home from a maze like mall/hotel/airport. It didn’t help my psyche that after viewing BACKROOMS at my local AMC, I exited into Philly’s barely functioning “Fashion District” mall. Once the greatest mall known to man (SUNCOAST VIDEO, FYE, KAYBEE TOYS, etc), it’s now a confusing maze of escalators that go nowhere, ramps that hit walls, food courts serving things I’ve never heard of, broken elevators, and restricted doorways. It even has the nerve to connect to a subway, a train station and many an office building presumably filled with people pushing papers and whatnot. It’s not a great vibe and I took it as a mocking, personal attack when I heard Madonna’s “This Used to Be My Playground” piping throughout the joint. It was a little too on the nose.
Our labyrinthine tale concerns a would be architect (nice touch) named Clark (Chiwetel Ejiofoor) who works at an insane pirate themed furniture store that proudly boasts of its selection of ottomans. Not surprising, he has a shrink and her name is Mary Kline (eerie Renate Reinsve). The two often role play the fateful night Clark’s wife (understandably) skedaddled. Mary’s not exactly the picture of mental health either as she was raised by a mother who had agoraphobia so bad she covered the windows with newspaper and blocked the front door with (thematically fitting) furniture. Making things all the more stressful is that this all takes place in the nineties, insuring everything is aesthetically questionable to say the least. It’s all so ugly it goes full circle to become pretty damn hip. One day poor Clark discovers that his store’s basement has the peculiar feature of an inter dimensional doorway into an impossible area where time seems to be crashing into itself and forming bizarre anomalies one of which is a predatory monster portrayed by the guy (Robert Bobroczkyi) who played the offspring in ALIEN: ROMULUS. Mary is skeptical at first but a series of seriously trippy occurrences will make her far less so.
BACKROOMS is not a movie one easily deciphers or forgets. It’s nearly hypnotic and like author Mark Z. Danielewski’s THE HOUSE OF LEAVES it is built to eschew expectations or familiar rules (on a few occasions I was also reminded of 2002’s SKINAMARINK in that it seems almost more of an art installation (or even the "Mirror, Father, Mirror" video from GHOST WORLD (2022)) than your standard movie). For some reason while viewing I thought the heart of the film was Clark trying to get over the demise of his marriage but I guess it’s more about dealing with how that relationship shattered all of his life dreams and left him a mutation of his former self with only ugly and useless splintered memories to show for it (or maybe that’s projection). I couldn’t help yearning for a more emotionally upbeat conclusion but realistically that would go against the entire endeavor (In other words, this is no CUBE (’97) or ESCAPE ROOM (2019) it's much more complicated and almost like jumping into a M.C. Escher print). Blatant bummer or not, BACKROOMS absolutely delivers on sights and sounds you’ve never experienced before, more than a few seriously nightmarish visuals, a good jolt or two and a lot to process and think about once it’s done. I guess my lone takeaway advise is don’t go see it in a space (mental or physical) that the film mirrors like I did. The result is truly unnerving.
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