kindertrauma

Month: November 2007

Dolls

Posted on By unkle lancifer


Don't you love it when bad things happen to bad people? It's a major flaw in the universe that this does not occur more often. A wonderful aspect of the cinema is that it can easily create the moral universe that we all secretly yearn for. Case in point, DOLLS. Meet Little Judy Bower (CARRIE LORRAINE) an adorable dickens who is strapped with two atrociously mean spirited guardians. Her father (IAN PATRICK WILLIAMS) is a gold digging condescending Prig and her new step mother (played to a campy hilt by CAROLYN PURDY-GORDON) is a shrill, haggy, grade "A" bitch. After their car gets stuck in the mud, the three find themselves fortuitously located in front of a crusty old mansion framed by requisite lightning bolts. Once inside they meet a sweet, yet strangely sinister elderly couple (GUY ROLFE & HILARY MASON) whose pregnant glances toward each other might as well be yellow canary feathers hanging out of their mouths. They are soon joined by the affable Ralph (STEPHEN LEE) and two rude, sly, opportunistic Brit punk Rockers he was kind enough to give a lift to (one of whom, BUNTY BAILEY is the chick from the A-ha video!). Did I mention the house is filled floor to ceiling with dolls? They're everywhere and they're the scary old-fashioned kind; this is way before BRATZ. Anyway, that night, "The longest night ever," is a night of wonder and mystery for those who keep their inner child well fed, and a night of murderous blood soaked reckoning for those who are assholes.

If you've ever wondered what it would be like to get trapped inside a pop-up fairy tale book, this may be the closest equivalent. STUART GORDON the director responsible for breathing life into the dead with legendary results in RE-ANIMATOR grants the same favor to the creepy little playthings that line many a child's bureau. In an early fantasy sequence, Judy's beloved teddy bear shows his true colors when he splits apart at the seams and begins mauling the deserving adults. It not only sets the stage for black humor and pre-adolescent revenge wish fulfillment, but also perfectly captures the movie's being as a whole, a cuddly charming toy with hidden claws.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S)

  • Teddy shrugging after his double homicide
  • The "Take on me" girl takes her eyes out
  • Toy soldier attack
  • PURDY finds she's not alone in bed
  • The BOY TOY belt
  • Punch speaks!
  • Judy's bloody slippers

Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory

Posted on By unkle lancifer

A bunch of "lucky" kids win a contest. The prize? Abu Ghraib style psychological torture and the chance to have their very souls judged by a megalomaniac and his mutant band of Tang colored goons. In case you've repressed the level of abject terror to be found behind the walls of the factory, we leave you with these choice lyrics crooned by the Charon like guide as they plunge down his psychedelic river Styx…

There's no earthly way of knowing
which direction we are going
There's no knowing where we're rowing
Or which way the river's flowing

Is it raining, is it snowing
Is a hurricane a-blowing

Not a speck of light is showing
So the danger must be growing
Are the fires of Hell a-glowing
Is the grisly reaper mowing

Yes, the danger must be growing
For the rowers keep on rowing
And they're certainly not showing
Any signs that they are slowing

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • Angela's Ashes home life means four grandparents per bed ala' BOB&CAROL&TED&ALICE
  • Mr. Slugworth in general
  • Umpa Lumpas in general
  • Wonka in general
  • The hellish boat ride that showcased the decapitation of a live chicken
  • Death or near death by chocolate, bad egg appraisal, fan blades, television shrinkage and Gobstopper
  • Wonka's meany act followed by the revelation that it was all just an elaborate mind fuck

Official Traumatot: Linda Blair

Posted on By unkle lancifer

She'll be remembered forever for her Oscar nominated turn in the trauma machine known as THE EXORCIST. But even sans that notch in her belt, she would still find a happy home on these pages. She's battled a usurping witch in SUMMER OF FEAR , had an unfortunate run in with a broom handle in BORN INNOCENT and even survived a deadly hazing ritual in HELL NIGHT. The list of her genre contributions is extensive and ever growing. Bow before Blair!

The Exorcist

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Most horror flicks are satisfied with the humble goal of tossing about a few chills. The more ostentatious may even try to snatch a good night's sleep from the viewer. This Titanic beast wants the whole bag of marbles and it's not going to rest until every inch of peaceful space in your brain is demolished. THE EXORCIST has extracted not nights, but years of sleep deprivation from its ill prepared audience. It has given rise to vomiting, fainting and perhaps most frighteningly, church attendance. Who can explain the mystery of its power? It's indisputable that all involved, director, writer and cast were all at the top of their game, but it almost seems as if the film built its own damn self with bricks forcibly pried from our collective unconscious.

It's about a little girl who's possessed by the devil, a scary idea for sure, but many other films have attempted this plot and delivered nothing. (I'm looking at YOU, many other films!) Why won't this movie step down? Why won't it behave? After decades you'd think it's power would have waned some or at least by now we could laugh at it like so many other bugaboos from our past and say, "I was scared of that? What was I thinking?" No such luck. This baby won't budge.

It may be because it's about so much more then just that little girl. It never flinches juggling ideas about good, evil, guilt, morality, life, death, and the simple truths about human existence that most popular entertainment beats back with a stick. Above all else though, this shit is scary. The enemy is not the begrudged victim of a prank gone wrong but evil itself. I'm talking old as time, famine, cancer, Auschwitz, JENNA ELFMAN type evil. I have heard atheists claim to be immune to the horrors found here. If that's the case, then that's their best selling point and it should be used more often as a recruitment tool.

Director WILLIAM FRIEDKIN and writer PETER BLATTY are often busy trying to convince us that the film closes on a happy ending that reveals good's triumph over evil. I'll allow that the book does succeed at making this point, but as far as the film goes I'm not buying that haunted swamp land. I get that Father Karras (a supernaturally natural JASON MILLER) sacrifices himself to save Reagan (irreplaceable traumagod LINDA BLAIR) and that's no small shakes or anything, but for this viewer's psyche, it's too little too late. Evil can levitate, spew pea soup, twist it's head fully around and make aspersions towards good's mother's recreational time in hell, and good's snappy comeback is jumping out a window? It doesn't comfort me. It doesn't comfort me one bit.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

God, do I really have to bother? Head spinning, pea soup upchuck, the staircase, MAX VON SYDOW's Magritte inspired arrival, frickin' Captain Howdy all over the place. Pazzuzu waltzing around, Karras's freaked out dream about his mom. That horrible hospital head machine. Masturbation with a crucifix? "The sow is mine!"…the whole damn thing. The whole damn thing is indelible.

The Witches

Posted on By aunt john

If there's one thing Luke's (JASEN FISHER) grandmother Helga (MAI ZETTERLING) really detests, it would have to be witches. According to Helga, witches are the vilest of creatures, with their purple-tinged eyes, stumpy feet concealed by sensible shoes, and baldheads covered by itch-inducing wigs. The sole mission of witches, per Helga, is to rid the world of the children, and she speaks from experience, having lost one of her fingers to a witch as a wee one. In fact, one of her best childhood friends was not only abducted and murdered by a witch; the poor girl was then sentenced to a purgatory of feeding ducks in a Currier & Ives style, sofa-sized painting. Flash-forward through the untimely deaths of Luke's parents, and Helga's diabetes diagnosis, the pair decide to take a much-needed seaside holiday at the Hotel Excelsior. Chalk it up to poor inter-generational travel planning; the resort just happens to be hosting all of the witches in England who just happen to be convening under the auspicious title of the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children. Luke stumbles into one of their closed-door sessions where the Grand High Witch (ANGELICA HUSTON), in an accent of indeterminate Eastern European origin, reveals her diabolical plan of franchising sweet shops that sell laced chocolates that turn kids into mice. After being caught by the witches, Luke learns first hand that life as a talking rodent is not the toy car joyride depicted in STUART LITTLE. With it's hideous make-up effects, MONTY PYTHON-like gross out humor, and dark puppetry courtesy of JIM HENSON, THE WITCHES skews closer to a Grimm's fairy tale than your typical saccharine-sweet family outing.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • The little girl who gets trapped in a painting
  • The removal of the wig and mask from the Grand High Witch at the meeting
  • The witches kicking off their shoes
  • The aftermath of the witches ingesting the tainted soup

Eyes of a Stranger

Posted on By unkle lancifer

This review is part of the Final Girl Film Club, join the pow wow here: Final Girl Film Club

News anchor Jane Harris (LAUREN TEWES) is close to having a televised melt down. Everyday she has to report about a string of rape/murders and nobody, not her fellow anchors, not her producer, and certainly not the public at large seems to grasp the gravity of the situation. Are they all morons? Or perhaps they don't have first hand knowledge of the devastation an assault like that can cause. Jane knows. She lives with the walking reminder in the form of her deaf blind mute sister Tracy (JENNIFER JASON LEIGH),who became that way after just such an attack. Worse yet, it was a younger Jane's self-involvement that propelled the tragedy. Maybe if Jane could catch the killer she could redeem herself. But where to start? Where to find a clue? Well, there is that neighbor of hers, the one who she watched changing his blood soaked clothes in the parking garage, he'll do! We viewers know he actually IS the killer but our feminist heroine doesn't want to report it to the police just yet because her boyfriend told her that was dumb — so it's off to get more clues! (more…)

Dead and Buried

Posted on By unkle lancifer

How's this for an opening? A photographer walks a deserted beach taking National Geographic like shots of seagulls and the like. He comes across a beautiful girl who resembles a 1950's pin-up. She offers to pose for him and the photos he takes become more and more erotic. She suddenly exposes her breasts and propositions him. His excitement is short lived as he's surrounded by variously garbed townspeople who then begin taking pictures of him. He is then savagely beaten, wrapped to a post with fish netting, and doused with gasoline, all while the object of his lust smiles approvingly. "Welcome to Potter's Bluff," one of them says as another lights a match and sets him afire. The townspeople then circle around him and watch as he burns. If this mortifying display was not enough, the victim later appears as a happy member of the malicious mob. (more…)

The Other

Posted on By aunt john

Those Perry twins sure are a handful. When young Niles and Holland (CHRIS & MARTIN UDVARNOKY) aren't getting into trouble by stealing preserves from Mrs. Rowe, they busy themselves by tormenting fluffy kitties and sneaking into tents at the local carnival. Boys will boys, as their grandmother Ada (UTA HAGEN) is well aware, and she takes a special shine to the congenial twin Niles. Ada teaches young Niles the art of astral projection, or as her people in the old country called it, "The Game." Meanwhile, folks in and around the Perry family start meeting with the most untimely demises. Cousin Ralph impales himself while playing in the barn, and Mrs. Rowe incurs a fatal heart attack after sitting through a rather unimpressive magic act. The twins' mother also careens down the stairs headfirst and is rendered mute and paraplegic. And there is the matter of the newborn that goes missing ala the Lindbergh baby. Grandma Ada knows it wasn't the red-herring handyman, and she knows it could have been only one of the twins. But which one is it…nice Niles or horrible Holland?

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • The "King of the World" landing on the pitchfork
  • Holland's failed attempt at baptizing a cat in the family wishing well
  • "Holland, where is the baby?"
  • The discovery of the baby

An Open Letter to Mrs. Kobritz by Stevie Wayne

Posted on By unkle lancifer


I'm sure I hardly need to introduce myself; I'm sorta a big deal. Unless you live under a rock or don't own a radio, you know who I am. If you have somehow not heard my awesome radio show (KAB rocks!) you've certainly seen me riding around Antonio Bay in my wicked convertible! Well, I'm not here to promote myself, but rather to expose a certain oldster who's gotten a free pass in this town as of late. I'm talking of Mrs. Kobritz and her dubious abilities as a babysitter. I've ignored missing under garments, the dilution of my liquor with tap water, and habitual tardiness, but it's high time Mrs. Kobritz be held accountable for her routinely irresponsible behavior. First of all, I realize that the other night there was an out of the ordinary occurrence that had many of our locals running about pell-mell begging for God to intervene. (I'm referring to the zombie-infested fog bank that engulfed the town.) But many of us were still able to do our jobs and even help others when the opportunity arose. I know I did everything I conceivably could to warn all my listeners of the impending danger (off the clock!). And let's face reality folks, the crew of the Elizabeth Dane were only going to kill six of us; it's not like the whole town was going down! (more…)

TRAUMAFESSION :: Reader Johnny on INFERNO

Posted on By aunt john

As a kid, (and as an adult), I lived for horror films, and would always beg my parents to let me watch the late night horror show on Friday nights. In Uruguay, where I grew up, these were usually advertised with the equivalent of a G rating, so I usually was able to watch even the most gruesome selections.

Out of all of these movies, there was one that truly frightened me, and haunted me for the next fifteen years, when I was finally able to identify the movie, watch it, and be haunted all over. The movie was INFERNO by DARIO ARGENTO. (more…)