kindertrauma

Month: February 2008

"It Wasn't Me!" by Alice Spages

Posted on By aunt john

ALICE SWEET ALICE
I don't know why everyone in this stupid parish thinks I'm the one who choked my brat sister Karen (BROOKE SHIELDS) with a candlestick, and stuffed her stupid body into a window seat before setting it on fire. C'mon, just because I was the last person seen entering through the church side door from the room where they found her dead, that don't mean a thing. And whoop-de-frickin'- do Aunt Annie (JANE LOWRY), so what if I was wearing Karen's veil when I snuck up to the alter to make Communion? Like I said, I found it on the floor. And no, I haven't seen that dumb ol', flashy crucifix Father Tom (RUDOLPH WILRICH) gave Karen before she got killed. I like to keep my looks like I keep my periods… hidden! Give me a plastic party mask and a school-issued yellow raincoat, and I'm good to go. Besides, I am not a thief. Okay, maybe I took that two-faced dolly Daddy gave Karen, but I only wanted to show it to the roaches I keep as pets in the Skippy Peanut Bar jar in steamer trunk in the basement. So you see, I couldn't have killed Karen, I care about bugs so much I wouldn't hurt a fly. Now kittens are another story. I mean yeah, I did strangle that one that belonged to that fat tub-of-lard landlord Mr. Alphonso, but he was making a rape face at me. And since we're clearing the air, I also want to point out that it wasn't me who stabbed Aunt Annie repeatedly in the thighs on the stairwell. Like I told the police and the doctors at the loony bin, I thought I saw my dead sister Karen in the hallway. Sounds crazy, I know, but I am not the only girl in the shithole town of Paramus with access to a frosted mask, a raincoat, and a butcher's knife. But I don't care if you believe me. My mom (LINDA MILLER) believes me, and so does my father. I'm their ALICE, SWEET ALICE (PAULA E. SHEPPARD).

TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Reader Jeff M. on Clash of the Titans

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Dirty gorgon porn! Shame on you jeff!

Medusa in CLASH OF THE TITANS slithered her way into my brain and stayed there. It was not that she was so scary to look at; it was the fact that if you looked at her you turned to stone…and she was topless! In my pathetic, adolescent teenage boy mind I was convinced that if I ever found myself in the same situation as Perseus that I would NOT be able to resist looking. Stupid I know, but sort of like a person who's afraid of heights because they secretly fear they might jump. For some reason this imagined weakness on my part kept me up at night. I'm married now and the female anatomy holds slightly less mystery. In fact, my wife forced me to send this in. She makes fun of me about it every chance she gets.

Jeff, Tell your wife to stop poking fun! That Gorgon was a veritable vixen! In fact, thanks to our local library's supply of back issues of CELEBRITY SLUETH magazine, We uncovered THIS X-RATED IMAGE from her forgotten early modeling career. Don't show it to wifey!

The Norliss Tapes

Posted on By aunt john

norliss tapes

Shot as a T.V. pilot, THE NORLISS TAPES spends its first ten minutes establishing the back-story on troubled writer David Norliss (ROY THINNES) and what would have been the subsequent episodic structure for a series that was sadly never picked up. In a nutshell, droopy-eyed David goes missing before submitting the manuscript on his anticipated novel about the supernatural. His publisher pops over to his overly wood-paneled bachelor's pad to find Norliss, but instead finds a series of numbered cassette tapes that each contains a terrifying tale. As the publisher listens intently, the screen does that awesome ‘70s dissolve into the action transpiring on the tape and we are introduced to the recently widowed Ellen Cort (ANGIE DICKINSON) and her late husband, the sculptor James Cort, who is now a blue-faced zombie with an occupational interest in blood. Ellen hires David, an early day Fox Mulder, as a private investigator when her local sheriff (CLAUDE ATKINS) laughs off her claim that her dead husband seems to have a problem with staying buried. In the course of his investigation, Norliss interviews James' art world associates and meets the mysterious Mademoiselle Jeckiel (BLACULA's VONETTA McGEE) who eventually reveals that she commissioned James to posthumously sculpt a statue of the demon Sargoth in exchange for immortality. In order to complete the piece, zombie James needs human blood to mix with his clay, so a delightful string of murders are used the keep the action moving between the more tedious scenes of David playing armchair gumshoe. With no help from the stubborn sheriff, Norliss eventually cracks the case and brings James' artistic afterlife to a fiery end. The scene dissolves back to David's publisher who pops out the first tape, fires up a smoke, and loads the next cassette into the player. Produced and directed by DAN CURTIS (DARK SHADOWS, NIGHT STALKER, NIGHT STRANGLER), THE NORLISS TAPES provides a nice glimpse of what could have been undeniably interesting appointment television. Each week, a new tape would have brought a different tale perfect for the stable of ‘70s guest stars poached from LOVE AMERICAN STYLE. Although this never happened, the pilot for THE NORLISS TAPES still holds up as an excellent tease.

indelible scenes

  • Ellen's dead husband tosses around her German Sheppard like a Pound Puppy doll
  • Hider zombie in the backseat of the young shop girl's car
  • Ellen's scream-a-thon as she stumbles SCOOBY-DOO-chase-scene-style over the dead bodies in the underground passage
  • The bloody ring of fire used to trap zombie James and Sargoth
  • The zombie's greatest kills montage incorporated as a bonus in the closing credits

The Legend of Boggy Creek

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 Based on so-called actual events and starring real witnesses in reenactments, THE LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK may be the first faux-documentary horror film ever conceived. With all the polish of a high school science ed film, it spins the tale of a town called Fouke terrorized by a hairy Big Foot-type monster. Big Foot or "Sasquatch" carries little weight in the national psyche these days, but once upon a time he was the physical embodiment of the wilderness's last stand against mankind's complete appropriation of nature. The movie itself is a relic and time capsule showcasing a world that no longer exists both within the film (the technology free town) and without (the film's identity as drive-in fare). Many scenes are laughable by today's standards, thanks to sub-par acting and the obvious limitations of an ape suit, but L.O.B.C. still has its own quiet power. This is campfire story material and the viewer certainly has to be in the right mood to be effected by its vague G-rated violence. The sad fact is with psychopaths, viruses and terrorism lurking about in the real world, it may be difficult for modern audiences to empathize with the fear of the wild. Whatever is coming to get us, we can pretty much assume it's not coming from the woods (in fact, at this point nature certainly has more to fear from us). At the end of the film the narrator returns to the location of his early childhood fears. He surprises himself by actually longing to hear the howl that once terrified him, "Just to be a reminder that there is still a wilderness left." Sadly, I'd venture that there's probably a Starbucks in that space today. L.O.B.C. can still be a lot of fun and its influence is ever reaching (BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, CLOVERFIELD), but it's hard to be truly scared of a monster you mostly feel sorry for. That being said, I'm happy to report that in 1997 there were over 40 sightings of the Fouke Monster, maybe there's still a little kick in the old boy after all. Take that Starbucks! 
 

  • Fouke-face is so frickin' scary that a cat has a heart attack when it sees him!
  • Nancy's "Bunking Party" is attacked!
  • Any and all musical interludes, specifically "Hey Travis Crabtree!"
  • The furry hand through the window trick!
  • Fouke-head attacks a guy sitting on the toilet!

Lemora: A Child's Tale of the Supernatural

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

Lila Lee (the late, great Venus of the drive-in CHERYL "RAINBEAUX" SMITH) is as pure as the driven snow. In spite of, or perhaps because of, her estranged father's gangster reputation, she is revered as a living angel by the church congregation she sings for. One day she receives a mysterious letter inviting her to come to the town of Astaroth. Her father is said to be ill and longing for her forgiveness. Sneaking away from her obviously smitten Reverend guardian (Director RICHARD BLACKBURN), she stows away in the back of a car and begins a journey that threatens the corruption of her body and soul at every turn. The letter was in fact a rouse designed by Lemora (LESLIE GILB), a powerful Vampiric woman who, like most others who encounter Lila, is bent on possessing her. Archetypal creatures; Beast men, grizzled hags and eerie giggling munchkins abound in this shoe-string budgeted, Southern gothic fairy tale obsessed with the destruction of innocence. With its indigo blacks and exuberant jolts of color LEMORA resembles a children's minimalist stage play production when it's not echoing masterworks like NIGHT OF THE HUNTER and even the forthcoming SUSPIRIA. It's occasional amateurishness may prevent some viewers from becoming completely engaged, but if you give in to its lyrical logic, it's a hauntingly singular experience. This PG-rated oddity centering on the sexualization of a 13-year-old is certainly one of the most unusual vampire films ever made. (CHERYL SMITH's real life submission to the Dionysian path through heroin addiction adds yet another layer to the already fraught with allegory film.) Ignored and even rallied against upon its release, LEMORA has sown a reputation and a feverish fan base over the decades. At once childish and yet alarmingly sophisticated, this is one quietly effective mood piece that may might not scare you senseless but might just invade your dreams. 
indelible scenes
 

  • That scary candy offering ticket salesman
  • The beast creatures attack the bus
  • That witch lady's creepy song
  • Lemora gives Lila a bath
  • Lila reunited with pops
  • Lila is reunited with the Rev

 

  

Ten Great Horror Romances

Posted on By unkle lancifer

February is the month of love, so what better time to take off our kiddie beanies and present you with our ten favorite horror romances. Let us know in the comments section if we missed yours!

JAWS shark revenge hoagie love
10. JAWS: THE REVENGE The death of sheriff Brody (ROY SCHEIDER) left a pretty big hole in the heart of his wife Ellen (LORRAINE GARY). A hole so big, only a guy named Hoagie (MICHAEL CAINE) could fill it. With his cupid-esque curly locks, irresistible British accent and willingness to partake in a spontaneous jig during a street festival, he's every widow's dream come true. Mrs. Brody is indeed in love again… and this time it's personal!
Jodie Foster Scott Jacoby hamster abuse
9. THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE Young love, how sweet it is! Many have gone to outrageous lengths to win the attention of the wily Miss FOSTER (insert presidential assassination joke here), yet few have succeeded. It would take the greatest guy ever right? Enter Mario (BAD RONALD himself SCOTT JACOBY). He is a master of disguise, a deft magician and he carries a hidden sword in his cane. Did we mention he has a sexy limp? If that wasn't enough, he's open to helping you dispose of all the dead bodies you got lying around. Good catch JODIE! He's a keeper!
witchboard gay love ouija Tawney Kitaen
8. WITCHBOARD You don't need a Ouija board to spell this out for you; long before BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN (R.I.P. H.L.!) Jim Morar (TODD ALLEN) and  Brandon Sinclair (STEPHEN NICHOLS) apparently got on a first name basis with the love that dare not speak it's name. Based solely on conjecture it appears, TAWNEY KITAEN can dress in male drag till the cows come home; these dudes only have eyes for each other. I'd say, "Get a room!" but they already did.
lesbian vampire lakme sarandon bowie deneuve
7. THE HUNGER Speaking of the gays, CATHERINE DENEUVE may have promised forever love to DAVID BOWIE but looky here to what's going down to the tune of LAKME! Sisters ARE doing it for themselves! This is some real classy stuff, especially when you consider all this snogging was spurred by SUSAN SARANDON's older than the Bible "Oops… I spilt wine on my Beefy-T" come-on!
sexy werewolf bites Jenny Agutter
6. AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON David Kessler (DAVID NAUGHTON) and nurse Alex Price (can you stand it? T-H-E JENNY AGUTTER) may have just met, but if this ain't the real thing, I don't want the real thing, I'll have this instead. The shower scene alone is enough to get these two into the hall of fame. By film's end, even though they have that whole he's deceased thing between them, you can tell when Jenny looks into that furry dead werewolf 's eyes that she got some primo diary material out of the deal.
my bloody valentine candy three way
5. MY BLOODY VALENTINE What list would be complete with out this blood-soaked valentine to the horror of love triangles? T.J. Hannigan (PAUL KELMAN), after an unsuccessful attempt to move on to bigger and better things, returns home to the dead end town of Valentine's Bluff to find his girlfriend Sarah (LORI HALLIER) knocking boots with his buddy Axel (NEIL AFFLECK). Who will win her? Let's just say one of them wants her heart a little more (literally) than the other!
brundle fly maggot baby geena davis
4. THE FLY In every relationship there is a time when you must ask yourself, "How much slime can I put up with be before I'm out the door?" GEENA DAVIS seems to be gearing up for the long run. This is especially commendable when you consider how dampening the random loss of body parts might be on your sex life. Too bad boyfriend Seth Brundle (then real-life beau JEFF GOLDBLUM) is married to his work! What a shame, they were so close to a life of picket fences, Tupperware and 2.5 maggots!
chucky's in love tiffany tilly
3. BRIDE OF CHUCKY A slasher icon with a girlfriend? Who woulda thunk there would be time between slayings? It helps that Tiffany (JENNIFER TILLY) has the same interests as Chuck (BRAD DOURIF), not to mention the same plastic dilemma. These two dolls may not always get along, but when they're on the same page they're unstoppable. Take notes.
candyman tony todd bees virginia madsenn
2. CANDYMAN What is so romantic about TONY TODD and VIRGINA MADSEN's relationship? If you have to ask you either: A) Never saw this movie or B) Don't know what love is. This is the real deal folks, it's timeless and it knows no boundaries. And we say this kinda love is worth finding… no matter how many bees sting you.
king kong eats fay wray on world's biggest phallic symbol
1. KING KONG! Here he is the Grand Daddy of the woo. He had everything working against him; he was a stranger in a strange land, he was a different species altogether and he was ten times her size. But K.K. was also consistent, he never wavered, and he never gave up. How could FAY RAY help but fall? Maybe it was beauty who killed the beast, but is there any better way to go?     Â