kindertrauma

Month: August 2008

Kinder-News :: Contest @ Horrors Of It All !!!

Posted on By unkle lancifer


Has your life turned into an endless void of drudgery and routine? Do you long to be surrounded by glamorous prizes that will make your enemies turn green with envy? Are you a fountain of untapped talent just itching for fame and notoriety? Well, are you? My advice is snap out of your self-pitying funk and head straight over to THE HORRORS OF IT ALL the interweb destination once committed to creating nightmares is now making life long dreams come true! A snazzy contest is now underway that will be judged by international celebrities with megaton star power! Will you be chosen? Are you even ready to be catapulted into eternal infamy? Do yourself a favor and find out now by hopping over to THOIA! Destiny is calling, are you brave enough to pick up the phone?

Speaking of THE HORRORS OF IT ALL did you know that outstanding oasis provides perpetual entertainment in the form of pre-code comix at the, I'm not sh*tting you, price of exactly zero dollars and nothing cents? It's true. The magnificent Karswell was even kind enough to point myself in the direction of his most Kindertraumatic offerings! Follow the links below and discover a world of tiny tot terror that will have you squirming in your seats and profusely pondering THE HORRORS OF IT ALL!

Traumafessions :: Bwana Voodoo from Gorillanaut on Invaders From Space

Posted on By aunt john

When I was maybe eight or so, I got freaked out by the evil salamander men from the insanely demented Japanese Starman movie INVADERS FROM SPACE. I was alone watching it on the b&w UHF station in New Orleans with the local horror host Guru. He was a freaky hippie-type guy who was otherwise a weatherman. Anyway, the movie is packed with creepy nightmare weirdness, everything from a salamander dance troupe to an especially creepy salamander witch woman who has poison gas breath and a wicked cackle. The witch has a great, extended stalking scene as she chases a little girl through some creepy taxidermist shop full of skeletons and stuffed oddities. Little short pant Japanese kids are in constant peril; one is even dangled over lava. The salamander men (the Koolomonians) have creepy Joker like smiles and are quite acrobatic. I posted their bizarro dance troupe HERE.


UNK SEZ: Thanks Bwana Voodoo! If any of you kids have not visited Bwana at either GORILLANAUT or THE NAKED JUNGLE , you sure are missing out! Both joints are just chock full of cool things. If you are a fan of the PROPHECY bear, giant scary bunnies, BARBI BENTON, the BORN INNOCENT broom stick or even Paul Snider's Sex bench, you'll feel right at home at these duel bottomless pits of cultural debris! Go dive in!

Traumafessions :: Reader Bloodylocks Bathory on Kirby

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Strangely enough, one of my most vivid experiences in the trauma department was with a pink little turd by the name of Kirby. That's right, that Kirby. This spherical chump has been a classic example of early video gaming to the point that I was familiar with him, even though my parents never bought us video games (my sisters and I were already lazy enough with worshiping our cuboid deity known as the television, after all). Now my mother was always rather neurotic about what we watched on television, what with the bad influences of certain programs and especially the easily frightening things we could get exposed to. However, obeying the rules of the house and only watching family friendly channels was no deterrent to being frightened out of my young mind.

Back to Kirby. One day whilst watching my comfy cozy cartoons where Wile E. Coyote could experience all the deaths of the FINAL DESTINATION series and not even lose his bladder control, the commercial breaks introduced to me an association to Kirby I never thought I would make. I don't know if anyone else remembers this commercial for the newest in Kirby video games, but it involved a hapless glutton in a bowling shirt being served meal after meal in a restaurant. He continued to eat so much that button after button burst from his shirt, but he continued to stuff his face, even oblivious to a breaking belt buckle and snapped trouser button. The finale to this disturbing meal was a slurp from a whipped cream covered finger. Predictably a rumble sounds and a huge explosion follows, covering shocked fellow patrons in undigested spaghetti. Gee, we're all so glad Kirby can outdo this bastard, right?

The images of those ripped clothes preceding such a disgusting burst of still intact food was cartoonish, but a child's mind doesn't always catch on to the humor of these things, does it? Anytime the commercial came on, I either hid my head under a pillow or left the room. My fear of people getting stuffed with food until they popped like a zit got worse when I overheard a conversation my parents were having with friends on a lovely little film called MONTY PYTHON'S THE MEANING OF LIFE. I did not get to see the film (including the humorously disturbing Autumn Years sequence involving Mr. Creosote) until my early teens, but just hearing about it, as well as the graphic details of exposed ribs and projectile vomiting, brought back some very discomforting memories. Clearly the advertising crew for Kirby had been inspired by our British friends in the MONTY PYTHON team. Watching it again after all these years brings loads of laughs, but know this: coerced organ removal while a stranger is still alive is nothing compared to exploding fat men.

UNK SEZ: Dear Bloodylocks, this Kirby person has a serious eating disorder. He can justify his actions by claiming that when he consumes his enemies he acquires their strengths, but let me tell you… been there, done that! And the results were disappointing at best. I recommend sitting your pink pal down in front of NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 5: THE DREAM CHILD. If that movie's bulldozer of a bulimia sequence has no effect on him then I say the pixelated pinko is a lost cause!!!! Wait a minute, Aunt John just informed me that you were writing about a commercial involving a fat guy exploding post spaghetti gorge and not seeking advice about a troubled friend…never mind. You should still check out ELM STREET 5 though, at least for that face stuffing bit!

The Worst Witch

Posted on By unkle lancifer


I'm pretty sure J.K. ROWLING must read Kindertrauma every day , so I must pose one question specifically to her: J.K., is there anything you'd like to say to the class about where your ideas for the HARRY POTTER series came from?….No?… Anyone you might want to tip your wizard's hat to as acknowledgement for inspiration?… No, really?… Are you sure? It's O.K., you're allowed to be influenced by others…No, nothing? O.K. J.K, we'll just let it go, but I must say I'm very disappointed in you. Now that that's not settled, let's talk about THE WORST WITCH whose synopsis can be read on the back of any of J.K.'s HARRY POTTER books. THE WORST WITCH stars born outsider and traumatot legend FAIRUZA BALK (RETURN TO OZ) and is as impervious to critique as it is to human understanding. It may be grossly unprofessional, feature alarmingly sub-LIDSVILLE flying sequences and gamble on the assumption that a viewer can withstand dual roles AND a MUSICAL NUMBER by one CHARLOTTE RAE, but when all is said and done, it makes that other child training in the black arts seem like he has an enchanted broomstick stuck up his ass. Why is THE WORST WITCH the best movie that takes place in a magic school for kids? Because it actually has magical powers! POTTER's movies may be 3 or more hours in length, but I guarantee WITCH's mere 70 minutes will have you wondering if you have been watching it for days! Plus it has a message, which as far as I could make out was something like, "Keep sucking at what you suck at, but suck at it in your own sucky way!" Unlike most films aimed at kids, here we are not advised to gain power through acquiring a ROWLING-esque money pile or by being flashier than our peers. Real power comes from passively shrugging off adversity, having the ugliest cat in the room and intuitively knowing who deserves to be transformed into a pig or a snail. I don't really don't know how to describe TIM CURRY's sanity stealing musical interlude, you can either watch it HERE or take a cheese grater to your eyeballs, I'm not sure if there is a difference. To sum it all up, J.K. ROWLING is a dirty plagiarist with no conscience, CHARLOTTE RAE is even more certifiably insane than previously understood, TIM CURRY has the power to burn a permanent hole in your retina, and budgets of over one thousand dollars are for chumps. Keep doing what you're doing folks, eat, sleep, go to work, pay your bills, if you have not experienced THE WORST WITCH you will go to your grave unenlightened, having lived only half of a life. Sure that four-eyed POTTER may receive all the attention and laurels but in my backwards spell book WORST is best!


Name That Trauma :: RATSAWGOD on Hairy-Handed Hitchhiking Hag

Posted on By unkle lancifer

name that trauma!

I'm looking for a short film that I saw as a teen that was based on the famous urban legend "The Hairy-Handed Hitchhiker." A woman picks up an seemingly innocent old lady hitchhiker late at night. She is soon unnerved by the old lady's odd behavior and then the sight of her hairy arms. She tricks the old lady into getting out of the car and then takes off, leaving the old lady behind. She realizes the old lady has left her large purse in the passenger seat. She looks inside and discovers a large, bloody axe or machete.

The short film I saw pretty much follows this to a T. It changes up the ending a bit by having the woman driver call her boyfriend after ditching the old lady hitchhiker, feeling guilty and foolish for having tricked her and leaving her stranded in the middle of nowhere. The boyfriend agrees to get in his car and find her. The woman driver goes into the local sheriff station to report the poor abandoned little old lady so any patrol men might find her and drive her to safety. She hands the sheriff the purse that she left behind. The sheriff opens the purse to search for ID. Out comes the machete. The young woman's eyes widen.

The film cuts back to the boyfriend in his car pulling up to the old lady at an intersection. He opens the passenger side door and the old lady gets in, clutching another purse in her hairy hands. The light changes from red to green. The car doesn't move. The little old lady gets out of the car and shuffles off. The light changes from green to yellow to red. The car is still.

I've found plenty of info about this urban legend on-line, but NOTHING about this very cool short film made from the mid-to-late 80's. It was around ten minutes long. Does anyone know what it was titled and where I might find it to see again?

UNK SEZ: RSG, I would absolutely love to see this but like you, I had no luck in finding it on the interwebs. Coincidentally I am very familiar with this tale because as a young teen, my older brother actually had the gall to tell me it happened to HIM! His tale occurred at our local mall, King of Prussia plaza, THE greatest (and apparently most dangerous) mall in the world. In his big fat stinking lie, the old lady pretended to have misplaced her car and asked my brother with a recently acquired driver's license if he would drive her about the parking lot and aid in her search. Once in the car, my brother noticed that the old lady had very hairy legs and asked her to get out. As she was departing the vehicle (luckily this was the type of psycho who takes orders from 16-year olds) a hatchet that she/he was concealing by clutching it between the legs (!) fell out of her/his dress and onto the parking lot floor…I of course thought this was the most incredible event that had ever taken place and sadly fell for this tranny fish-tale, hook line and sinker. (In my own defense, I never fell for his story about being asked backstage and wooed by JANET JACKSON!) If anyone out there reading this knows either the name of the short film that our beloved RATSAWGOD is speaking of, or even why in the name of God my brother is such a big fat stinking liar please contact either Aunt John or myself via comment or email (kindertrauma@gmail.com).

UPDATE!! Mystery trauma solved! (see comments) Thanks to Seethingblue!

Kinder-Art :: Stephanie Metz

Posted on By unkle lancifer


How nice is that above image? Those are sculptures made out of wool and they're of teddy bear skulls!! That is the artwork of Stephanie Metz who I learned about from my pal RATSAWGOD's blog !!! If the idea of a teddy bear's skull isn't interesting enough, the idea of bones made out wool just throws the coolness factor of those pieces straight into the hemisphere! Me likey and me likey big time. Stephanie can explain herself and her beautiful art better than I can, so go to her SITE and read her artist's statement if you're so inclined. I myself must now go rip to shreds every teddy bear in my extensive collection and see what makes them tick!

The Good Son

Posted on By aunt john

Life just served young Mark Evans (preternaturally saucer-eyed ELIJAH WOOD) a steaming shit sandwich with a heaping side of SUCK! After his mom succumbs to cancer, Mark's tall drink of Philly tap water father (DAVID MORSE) jets off to Japan on business and dumps him off at his uncle's house in scenic Maine. Unfortunately for Mark, his temporary housing situation involves living under the same roof with his mildly depressed aunt Susan (WENDY CREWSON), she's grieving/ blaming herself for the loss of a toddler son who mysteriously drowned in the bathtub, and his psychotic cousin Henry (America's then box-office golden child playing against type, or was he?, MACAULEY  CULKIN). At first, relations between the boys are pretty cool, and Henry includes Mark in his favorite pastimes of taunting the neighbor's dog and dropping a dummy off a highway overpass. Henry's sinister behavior escalates, and Mark tries to warn any and everyone that will listen that Henry is a full-blown whack-a-doodle. Of course no one believes Mark's wild accusations, and he ends up being sent off to therapy. Aunt Susan finally manages to put two and two together when she stumbles across her late son's rubber duckie in Henry's woodshed workshop. Without spoiling the action, the ending is a real cliffhanger (literally), and Aunt Susan is forced to make a cinematic choice normally reserved for the likes of MERYL STREEP.

On the surface, THE GOOD SON has all the elements of a camp classic. CULKIN takes a page from the PATTY McCORMACK/Rhoda Penmark playbook and knows how to turn on and off the crazy at the drop of a stuffed dummy onto a crowded expressway. The lack of actual kills by CULKIN though, is what keeps THE GOOD SON from being an actual contender in the killer kid genre. Sure, he tries to ice his sister, but she lives. He tries to shove his mom off a cliff, yet fails. He doesn't even manage to take out a single motorist with the appropriately named effigy Mr. Highway! Yeah, he cops to drowning his unseen younger brother in the bath, but we never even get a flashback! If you're going to base a whole movie around a pint-sized psycho, you really need to give him or her a measurable body count.

  • Henry causes an interstate pile-up with the help of his pal Mr. Highway
  • Crack-the-whip with little sis results in a scene that was sadly overlooked on our ICE SAFETY LIST . Doesn't anyone ever listen to WALKEN?
  • Mark freaks out when he thinks Henry has poisoned the family's food and goes apeshit on the refrigerator
  • Lil' Mac drops the F-bomb


Kinder-News :: Unkle Lancifer Spent 1992 in a Coma

Posted on By unkle lancifer


One of my favorite things about co-hosting the seventies throw-back variety show KINDERTRAUMA is that I learn something new everyday, either by researching traumafessions or by the comments left by you, our dear readers. Yesterday, after one of my favorite people on Earth, cousin KITTY LECLAW, mentioned TINA YOTHERS in a comment, I went about finding a suitably embarrassing clip of YOTHERS to send her way. I inadvertently fell into a youtube k-hole that resulted in my discovery of the video game NIGHT TRAP. How did I miss out on this? What the hell was I doing in 1992? (I shudder to think, was that the year I was a frequently blacking-out, devout CURVE groupie or a well-paid white lotus yoga instructor?) The late DIFF'RENT STROKE's DANA PLATO starred in this live action video game where players attempted to save slumber party girls from roaming vampiric marauders with the use of security cameras and hidden traps. The game was banned for being indecent, is partially responsible for the video game rating system used today, was ranked the twelfth worst of all time by ELECTRONIC GAMING MONTHLY, and was even publicly lambasted by none other than CAPTAIN KANGAROO. Again, where was I and what was I drinking when all this was going down? If I'd only known I would have been all over this like a suicidal pigeon on rice! Check out this scene from the game and tell me the cackling evil "adult" characters are not right off of ELM STREET…


Yeah I'll admit it, I've watched that clip about ten times now. That bed-trap lady cracks me up, and hows' bout that rad music score? This game looks way too awesome to me. It smacks of that rarely found perfect mixture of oddly creepy and patently ridiculous. Oh 1992, I'm so sorry that I ignored you, apparently you were not so boring after all!

MORE ON NIGHT TRAP:

  • A fascinating mini-doc about the controversy HERE
  • The amazing, beyond reason slumber party scene that includes the NIGHT TRAP theme song HERE
  • NIGHT TRAP on Wikepedia HERE
  • The NIGHT TRAP "movie" in 5 parts HERE