kindertrauma

Month: October 2008

Traumafessions :: Reader Ericka on The X-Files & Comic Books

Posted on By aunt john

Growing up in upstate NY, there was very little to do so my father would watch horror movies late at night. Well one night my parents were painting their bedroom (mind you I was probably really young at the time) and while mom was off watching THE CLIENT in the living room, dad was watching THE X-FILES in my room. "Do you promise not to be scared?" he asked. Me being young and gullible, I agreed to watch it with him. It was the episode with the Flukeman and all it took was 10 minutes into that episode for me to go screaming for my mother. I'm not really sure what it was that scared me but to this day I haven't watched the episode.

I however continued to be terrified and even got into the old comic books my father had from his youth. The one series that scared me the most, I don't remember the name (it was from the '60s/'70s) but the gist of the series was that it was twists on things you wouldn't normally be scared of led by a story teller witch that really reminded me of the crypt keeper. One such story has always stood with me where a kid is dying and the grandfather spends the whole story trying to keep death out only to fail at the end. I think he dies instead but that part's fuzzy. Another one was about a killer Easter bunny who dipped the children in chocolate and then ate them. Real messed up stuff. It's driving me mad that I don't remember what this series is called!

UNK SEZ: Ericka, thanks for the great traumafession. I'm a big fan of the episode "The Host" from the second season of THE X-FILES as well. It's one of the most disturbing (and sometimes nauseating) of the series. As far as that comic goes, I'm not familiar but an exceptional place to do some archaeological digging for it would be THE HORRORS OF IT ALL. Even if you don't find exactly the comic you're looking for, you are sure to find something equally good or maybe even better.

Project Run Scared :: The Ten Worst Halloween Costumes

Posted on By unkle lancifer


With Halloween fast approaching your Unkle Lancifer and Aunt John have been combing the interwebs for inspiration for costumes. (Yes, we're kinda sorta fighting over who will be Joan from MAD MEN). During our Google-y endeavors we came across a list on RETROCRUSH which lists the worst Halloween costumes ever to be created. Rather than take this list as a cue to go no further and simply compromise (losing straw has to be Pete Campbell), we decided to challenge ourselves and see if we could find even worse Halloween costumes out there in the sparkly interwebville. Everyone one knows that if you're looking for crap the second place after the outhouse is eBay, so off we went. With visions of the impending PROJECT RUNWAY finales cat walking through our brains, we decided to review the ultimate worst of what he had discovered….

10. Nicholas Bradford from EIGHT IS ENOUGH

UNK: (as Tim Gunn) Why are there two? They are both worse than each other somehow. It's pretty sad to me that a child would be so unimaginative that the best that he or she could come up with was dressing like another child of approximately the same age. As I look at them, I hear annoying Ewok songs in my head.

AUNT J: (as the Klumeister): Where is the Mary Bradford costume? With her raspy voice and devotion to medical school, she'd make for a much better costume. PERIOD.

9. Lil' Hotlips from M.A.S.H. BABIES

UNK: In my opinion M.A.S.H. BABIES was the worst cartoon that ever aired on American television. That said, the idea of sending my young child out into the night with the words "LIL' HOTLIPS' emblazoned across her vinyl smock makes me ill. I'd also like to add that M.A.S.H. BABIES sounds more like a demand from the Marquis de Sade then an animated Saturday cartoon aimed at children.

AUNT J: You're right, M.A.S.H. BABIES was released right around the same time as the MICHAEL JACKSON/ Pepsi commercial incineration debacle. Too many little girls were bombarded with snickering taunts of "Major Burns… hah!" Plus LORETTA SWIT never translated well as a youthful character.

8. Some old guy from ON GOLDEN POND

UNK: Is that grey area on the costume plush? I feel it may be plush. Anyway, is that mask supposed to represent the celebrated actor HENRY FONDA? He may have beat his children like they owed him a gambling debt on a daily basis, but he never wore his hair THAT long. (P.S. eBay seller, you're welcome for Photoshoping the stains out of your carpet).

AUNT J: Correct me if I am wrong, but I think it's a KATHARINE HEPBURN mask. Overall, I am not very FONDA this getup.

7. NORMA RAE from NORMA RAE

UNK: Any child wearing this will never have their demands met. I predict a treat bag filled with pennies and lint-covered, unwrapped Velemints.

AUNT J: Is that sign attached to the crotch? The whole purpose of Halloween is to collect free candy, not splinters south of the border! PASS!

6. Aurora Greenway from TERMS OF ENDEARMENT

UNK: I just threw up, not so much in my mouth, but all over the front of my KRASS BROTHERS suit. eBay person, are you really going to try to sell something this filthy? Nobody wants your old dumpster diving gear. This looks more like crime scene evidence than anything that should be worn in public. From this picture, I can glean that its wearer already received their first review when the neighborhood children pelted her with dog feces.

AUNT J: If I saw this one coming down the street, I would totally bolt the door and turn out all the lights! Where is the imagination? Couldn't the child don a hospital gown, slap on some deathbed pancake make-up, and try to pull off the DEBRA WINGER look? This is too easy.

5. Vera from ALICE

UNK: I don't hate this, at least not as much as I hate the character of "Vera". It could work if you carried around a box of soda straws and pretended to spill them every couple of yards on your Halloween trek, and maybe bump into a light post or two. It needs a bit of work but it's almost there.

AUNT J: To quote the opening theme from ALICE, "Kicking myself for nothing was my favorite sport." This costume is neither a kick nor sporty. I'd much prefer to see Mel's Mom (MARTHA RAYE) immortalized in a plastic costume.

4. Steve Burns (AL PACINO) from CRUISING

UNK: I thought I'd seen it all with the VILLAGE PEOPLE costume on RETROCRASH, but this is even more alarming to my small town sensibilities. Then again, black vinyl is notoriously slimming. Plus liquids roll right off of vinyl, be it water or lemon juice or urine.

AUNT J: Can we turn that costume around? Yikes! October is far too brisk a month to be sporting assless chaps about town.

3. Anne Romano from ONE DAY AT A TIME

UNK: I love this! I have ALWAYS enjoyed her work. That's Twiki's robotic girlfriend "Tina" from BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25TH CENTURY right?

AUNT J: Striking a blow for womens' rights and single moms everywhere in the late seventies, the Ann Romano costume was oft-mistaken for both Twiki and Lee Grant. Sad, really….

2. Walter from MAUDE

UNK: Why is there a picture of MAUDE on the chest of this costume? Even as a Halloween costume BILL MACY gets upstaged. God will get you for that BEA!

AUNT J: I read somewhere that BEA demanded that her visage be placed on the entire MAUDE Halloween costume collection. Regrettably, there was enough real estate on the bodice of ADRIENNE BARBEAU's to include two such images.

1. Cousin Jeri from THE FACTS OF LIFE

UNK: Ugh! This really rakes my nerves. Enough with THE FACTS OF LIFE! When will that show's iron grip upon our culture loosen? I've taken the good, I've taken the bad and what do I have? MORE FACTS O' LIFE! GERI JEWEL is the absolute last person that I wanted to see today. I actually made a mental note of that fact as I climbed out of bed this morning. Thumbs down, a real stinka-roo!

AUNT J: Ummm… NEWSFLASH Unkle…this costume didn't come off of e-Bay! I wore this costume in the second and third grades. JERI JEWEL was a role model, not only to me, but also to other blossoming stand-up comediennes everywhere in the early '80s. For reals, for reals! And by the way, this lil' number garnered me "Best Box-Job Costume" in 1982 and 1983 at my elementary school.

UNK: As long as we're being perfectly honest, I may have a M.A.S.H. BABIES costume lying around in a trunk in the castle somewhere (lil' Father Mulcahy natch!) Maybe we do have Halloween outfits for this year's festivities after all!

Traumafessions :: Kinderpal Mickster on Halloween II

Posted on By aunt john

After graduating from junior college in May of 1992, I took a job in my hometown hospital's emergency room. As an emergency room clerk, I registered people as they entered the ER for treatment. During my time I work worked both first and second shift (there wasn't a third shift). As Halloween approached, my co-worker asked me if I would switch shifts on Halloween, so she could take her children trick-or-treating. Not having any children, I agreed. I made a stupid mistake before going to my shift on that night. I decided to watch HALLOWEEN II. What could possibly be the harm in watching this movie? It is not as scary as the original HALLOWEEN, and I had seen it many times before. Well, I wasn't thinking that the majority of the action takes place in a small town hospital on Halloween night. The hospital I worked in was as small and vacant as the hospital in the movie.

Second shift normally ended at 12A.M. and one of the last duties of the night was to take all of the files from the shift to the business office at the front of the hospital. During the day, this was a busy area with plenty of people; however, at 12 A.M. it was dark and completely void. The night had been uneventful especially for a Saturday night. I had even put the movie out of my mind until I started my journey down the long, dark corridor. The mind can play amazing tricks on you in such a situation. I could hear JOHN CARPENTER's haunting music pulsating in my head. I could see the shadow of a knife-wheedling, masked man. I had the feeling you get when you wake from a nightmare and are still unsure if it was real or not. My heartbeat quickened and I felt panicky. Quickly, I unlocked the door, threw the files on the desk, and raced back to the emergency room.

Whoa! I had learned a valuable lesson. Never again would I mix HALLOWEEN II with working in the ER on Halloween night.

Kinder-Taining :: A Sure-Fire Halloween Recipe

Posted on By aunt john

Given the current recessionary state of the economy, not a day goes by in which your dear old Aunt John doesn't receive a mountain of e-mails, and countless faxes, from harried homemakers looking for advice on how to stretch their food budget dollars.  As the primary home economist at Kindertrauma Castle, your Aunt John is a strong proponent of coupon clipping and home cooking.

In response to those who never really wrote me, I would like to open my coveted recipe file and share with you a relatively cheap and easy to make Halloween dish I picked up while attending boarding school in upstate New York:

For our more visually oriented readers, please follow the instructions below:

Kinder-News :: An Interview With DW Films

Posted on By unkle lancifer

As promised earlier, here is our interview with both ANDREW DURHAM and FRANK WIEDMANN the creators of DW FILMS, who were kind enough to stop by the castle and speak to us about their wonderful movies and so much more…

UNK: As is Kindertrauma tradition, my first question is to ask both of you what movie, T.V show, book etc. was the first to really scare you when you were little?

FRANK: I guess the one movie that most obviously scared me senseless was GEORGE A. ROMERO's NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD. I remember a friend telling me about it, and the local "Creature Features" television show on Friday and Saturday nights started showing commercials for it. Back then, before video rentals and Cable movies you had to catch the movies when they came on T.V. Loved the anticipation this created. We waited for weeks, and when NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD finally came on, it was bliss. One year, after watching it, I was unable to get off the couch and get upstairs to my bedroom. We had a staircase that made a U-turn half way up, and I couldn't yet face what was around that corner. When I finally did make it to my bedroom, I locked the door and pushed some filing cabinets in front of the door to keep the zombies out. Don't know what is funnier, me pushing the filing cabinets in front of the door, or the fact that a 12-year-old HAD filing cabinets.

I also need to mention BURNT OFFERINGS. The chauffeur looking up at the window is a "poop in pants" moment.

ANDREW: JOHN CARPENTER'S HALLOWEEN is a masterpiece. In that film, he made the middle of the afternoon seem terrifying. There is a scene where JAMIE LEE CURTIS looks out of her classroom window and sees Michael Myers standing across the street from the school. That still scares me. I also agree with Frank about the original NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD. ROMERO was a genius with his style. He made that film look as if you were watching old black and white news footage. The films that really scared me were the movies that looked amateur and homemade. The original TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE and THE LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK were both shot with that documentary, cinema verite style. With the popularity of reality T.V., recent horror films such as THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT and OPEN WATER also reflect that tone and are very effective.

UNK:Can you give me a bit of back story on how your films were made and exactly who was responsible for what?

FRANK: Andrew was the first one of us to get a Super8mm camera. I remember AS SOON as he got it we started having ideas. We both were involved in the planning stages. We would take trips down to a dumpster bin behind a local thrift store, and (since we weren't allowed to dig through it) we would hide in it as low as possible and go through all their clothing, shoes, and precious costumes. You'll notice in our films that ALL actors had to wear a costume we found, no matter how ill fitting it was. SARAH GETZOFF was a trooper, doing all that running and action work in shoes that were way too big for her. I also remember that we would listen to movie soundtracks a lot, and a lot of the scene progressions were created from listening to the music. Andrew was responsible for the photography, and I was the editor. Both of us also got into the merchandising. "Making of" books for some of the bigger movies, premiere night give-aways, etc.

ANDREW: Filmmaking, more so than most art forms, is probably the most collaborative. Even when it was just a group of 12-year-olds, once we decided on an idea, it was all hands on deck. Everyone contributed in some way, whether it was borrowing your Dad's car or your Mom's fur coat. As Frank mentioned, I was responsible for the filming and he did the editing. I can't recall ever sitting down and assigning each task, it just seemed to transpire organically. Maybe it was because I was the one with the camera and Frank was the one with the editing machine. What still amazes me, when looking back, was our innate sense of visual story telling. With regards to shooting, somehow we just knew about establishing shots, camera angles and close ups. Even more profound was our comprehension of editing. We knew about eye lines, pacing, cross cuts and to avoid jump cuts. Perhaps this comes from growing up in the age of mass media. We must have learned this visual language from watching a lot of movies and television. I guess the same could be said today for the five year old kid who walks up to a computer for the first time and can completely navigate the desktop. Years later when I was in film school, I was amazed when the teacher would spend hours lecturing on the importance of opening your scene with an establishing shot, or going to a close up to build tension. I always wanted to raise my hand and ask if anyone in film school had ever seen a film before???

UNK: You really seem to have covered the bases as far as the type of films that were popular at that time, are there any that you planed and never got around to?

FRANK: I would have loved to do a POSEIDON ADEVENTURE ship disaster, or some sort of Zombie or Alien Invasion movie. We never did attempt any Sci-Fi!

ANDREW: Jeez Frank, what was TERROR IN THE SKY? Chopped Liver? That was a total IRWIN ALLEN disaster film. Perhaps Frank is still lamenting over the fact that our very first film, which we never finished, TERROR ISLAND, was about a shipwreck on an island. The island was inhabited with dinosaurs. Sort of like GILLIGAN'S ISLAND meets JURASSIC PARK. Actually it was probably more inspired by LAND OF THE LOST. It is interesting that we never made a sci-fi film, especially since we were the original STAW WARS generation. I still have the script for a film we almost made called FUTURE BATTLE. As I remember it was pretty good… for a STAR WARS rip off. But much like Hollywood, even we had movies in development that never made it to the big screen.

UNK: I can imagine that the neighborhood premieres for these movies were a real blast. How did they go over with friends and family?

FRANK: I remember the premieres were held in Andrew's garage, and we did have parents show up. We'd spend most of the afternoon cleaning the garage and buying "refreshments" for the concession counter. At the SHARK premiere we raffled off a large cardboard shark fin with the words SHARK cut out of it, backed in red cellophane with a light behind that. It was very fancy! I wish I knew what happened to it.

ANDREW: I still laugh when I think about those movie premieres. You really have to understand the context to appreciate how hysterical it all was. We grew up in a college town, Stanford. The emphasis was on academics and refinement. Parents spent their time attending their children's violin and dance recitals or driving their kids to computer class or Latin tutor. Frank and I would set up these premieres in my garage with a refrigerator box as the projection booth, then screen these Hollywood style horror films oozing with blood and guts for everyone in the neighborhood to see. We never saw this us unusual or even reactionary. We just believed that if you spent all this time making a movie, then you must have a gala premiere.

UNK: Backyard filmmaking has got to be an entirely different experience for modern kids. Do you think the technological advances and advent of YouTube will help or hinder their creativity?

FRANK: I think as long as kids get together to make movies it will be a creative experience. There is a "remake" of ELEVATOR on YouTube already by a kid who is like 7-years-old, and he re-enacted it on video with stuffed animals. What I loved about our process was that it cost $20 for 3 minutes of film back then. That was a lot of money for us at that age. Everything had to be planned out as precisely as possible. We spent so much time planning, making story-boards etc. Now, with video (which costs nothing really) I can imagine that the planning may not be as precise and some of the scenes may become very improvised and loose. Not that improvisation is bad, but having a well thought out story line is important. Also, unlimited time on video kind of takes the pressure off. I don't know how good our movies would have held up if they had been 30 minutes. I think the 3 – 15 min time was perfect.

The films were completely silent, so we would need to create a cassette tape with the music on it. It would take quite a while to record the songs to match up with the movies. Then during the premiere, we hit "play" at the designated "blip" at the beginning of the movie and hope the music would fit for the remainder of the film. When I added music and sound-effects to these movies on my computer 30 years later, I was so jealous of the technology that's available to kids today.

ANDREW: I'm so jealous when I see the tools that kids have at their disposal today. Kids younger than we were, are using these amazing little cameras and desktop editing systems. It's really incredible, but… We know that all this technology doesn't guarantee a better product. When GEORGE LUCAS went back and updated the original STAR WARS with CGI, not only did he destroy a perfect example of 1970's sci-fi filmmaking but he ruined the film. All those extra effects took away from the original charm. An artist strongest attribute is to know when to hold back. We shot on actual Super 8 film and often had to edit our stories before we even shot film. This restraint allowed us to be very clear with every single story point. If a young kid has a great idea, an enthusiastic group of friends and love for movies, then they can probably make some great little movies, but if all you have is a bunch of high tech gear and no vision, well then you end up with a lot of very long, sloppy, music videos / skits. You can see hundreds of these on You Tube already. I can only imagine, if Frank and I had access to limitless video, the torture we would have put our audiences through with 45 or even 30 minute versions of SHARK or TERROR IN THE SKY. We might have been skilled filmmakers for 12 year old, but we were still kids and probably a "little" self absorbed.

UNK: Thanks guys. I can't tell you enough what great treasures your films are. I know there are more in the vault and I can't wait to see them. Consider me your number one fan. And to all you kids out there making stuff: art, movies, music, whatever… remember this handy tip from your Unkle Lancifer, SAVE EVERYTHING! You may not realize it now, but you just might have a one of a kind masterpiece on your hands!

Kinder-Spotlight :: DW Films

Posted on By unkle lancifer


One fine day while your Unkle Lancifer was searching the youtubes researching a Traumafession, he came across a short film called ELEVATOR and was blown away. Further digging unearthed several other films from the same creative minds and an obsession was born. DW FILMS is the result of the brilliant collaboration of ANDREW DURHAM and FRANK WIEDEMANN, the McCARTNEY/LENNON of backyard film making. Created way back in the always groovy "Me Decade", DW FILMS give ROGER CORMAN a run for his money by utilizing plots from established blockbusters and taking them to the next level at a fraction of the cost. Did I mention that both behind and in front of the cameras at DW FILMS you'll only find kids? Below is a small sampling of their brilliant output for you to enjoy. Besides the priceless nostalgia factor, they are all truly inspirational in regards to revealing what can be accomplished with little money and mucho determination and vision…


Watch ELEVATOR


Watch SHARK!


Watch DEVIL'S BABE


Watch TERROR IN THE SKY


Watch WHAM-O WOMAN :: PART ONE :: PART TWO

NOTE: Check out our interview with both ANDREW DURHAM and FRANK WIEDEMANN, the driving forces behind these amazing films HERE

Traumafessions :: Reader Cooch138 on 'WAY OUT ep. "Side Show"

Posted on By aunt john

I was ten during the summer of 1961.

There was a TV show called 'WAY OUT, a sort of take off on THE TWILIGHT ZONE and OUTER LIMITS. There was an episode about a man who visits a sideshow featuring all kinds of weird displays, such as the fish that changes color-every other month, and a severed woman's head. Stuff like that. The highlight of the sideshow was a woman, chained to a chair with a light bulb for a head. The man stays after the show and the light bulb woman, Cassandra, begins talking to him. As the show progresses he falls in love with her and she convinces him to free her from her chains so they could run away together.

In the final scene, you see a woman in a flowing gown. Her back is to the audience. She is standing in front of the sideshow display, only this time it is a man's body with the light bulb head chained to the chair. She is speaking lovingly to the guy. She turns to face the camera, the severed head has been crudely sewn to her body! The male protagonist obviously having been killed by Cassandra and now has assumed her dreaded spot in the sideshow chair.

The jolt of this final scene haunted me for years.

I only overcame it in grad school when I dated a girl named… Cassandra.

UNK SEZ: Cooch138, thanks for bringing up this show. I had no idea of its existence until you mentioned it. 'WAY OUT aired in 1961 on Saturday nights and lasted for 14 episodes. It was hosted by ROALD DAHL, the mind behind Kindertrauma legends THE WITCHES, CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY and many, many others. As of yet, the series has not found its way onto DVD. You can be sure if it ever does, we'll be covering it on these pages once again.

Trauma-Scene :: Ghost Ship's Opening Dance Number

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I am unabashedly partial to waterlogged horror, stick a bunch of idiots on a boat, preferably an abandoned one, and I'm so there. If the folks on the boat are battling a soul stealing demon then I'm so there; I've already left and come back again. It all stems from my original trauma experience watching SATAN'S TRIANGLE back in the olden days when I still had a soul to steal. That bad boy might as well have branded my forehead because it left me searching for a movie watching experience that can never be equaled. The only mini sub-genre that gives me a comparable amount of pleasure is the ski comedy, particularly if it concerns a lodge that is being threatened with closure by spoiled rich snobs who are begging for their comeuppance. Don't worry folks, I'm not going to tell you that GHOST SHIP is as good as your standard ski comedy because it's not. It has all the ingredients, a great cast, awesome looking sets and admirable cinematography. Why, it even has a cool, mid-movie music video insert where you can watch a giant hook impale a woman's face to the sounds of a jaunty mid-nineties (GHOST SHIP is actually from 2002) sounding trip-hop tune. But alas GHOST SHIP suffers from DARK CASTLE disease, which means as far as the script goes it is just a random sewing together of brainstormed ideas with little concern for good storytelling. I'm just warning you, don't let GHOST SHIP break your heart. You're better off with a less flashy movie that really cares about you than GHOST SHIP, which at the end of the day is only using you and will never return your calls.

It should be admitted that even though the film as a whole is a dirty, lying, wallet-snatching scabby-faced hooker that it has one of the greatest kindertraumatic opening scenes (sans the crappy ironic title fonts) in recent memory. Have you seen it? You have to see it! The opening scene involves a tragedy that befalls a bunch of dancing fools and a very tight cable that splits them all into pieces like they're Wile E. Coyote or something. A lone little girl is so short that the cable misses her, so she must watch as the crowd around her is spliced apart like sliced Velveeta. It is disturbing as all get out, and it makes promises that GHOST SHIP has no intent on delivering on. If the rest of the film was even half as successful as this opening bit, I would have have fallen head over heals for it. Instead this barnacle barge just sinks. (Don't even get me started on the epilogue that had me scratching my head so hard it left permanent scars.) Oh, If only this ship could have docked at a ski lodge!