kindertrauma

Month: November 2008

Killdozer

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Somebody has really got to do something about those pesky meteors from outer-space. Every time one crashes into our planet it seems to drop off some unwanted intergalactic toxic baggage like THE BLOB or the stuff they use to make Mary Jane candies. In the 1974 made-for-television film KILLDOZER, a meteor hits Earth carrying an amorphous blue alien force that lies in wait hundreds of years before surfacing. The blue goo gets its big break when it's unearthed by a bulldozer which it then possesses in order to wreak havoc on a group of construction workers on an isolated island.

How evil is this intergalactic menace? So evil that it kills ROBERT URICH almost immediately and leaves the audience with CLINT WALKER. (Nothing against WALKER but let's face it, he's no URICH). As undeniably cool as a rampaging bulldozer is I have a real problem with the entity on board. Besides killing URICH, which I will never forgive it for, I just don't get it's beef. From what I can tell it's trapped inside the bulldozer because it never jumps into any people or any other nearby vehicle. In addition, I don't think there is any way for it to get off the island, so global domination is off the table. What's it going to do after it's killed everyone, just drive around alone in victorious circles? How very short sighted, if it befriended the men it could have become a celebrated international celebrity like HERBIE: THE LOVE BUG.

KILLDOZER, which is based on a story by THEODORE STURGEON, has the nerve to take itself very seriously. Its biggest crime, though, is the cut-away kill. Every time you think it's getting to the good stuff, it turns away suddenly coy. Considering the movie's obsession with all things masculine (wheels, breaking things and monosyllabic dialogue) I expect at least one bloody mangled body part! In a way the set-up is not that different from THE THING, but the execution here is as dry as a bone and the stakes are relatively low. On the plus side, its soundtrack instantly transports you back in time. The constant barrage of buzzing bleeps and blips will have you thinking there are synthetic cicadas playing nonstop MERLIN in your brain. It's pure seventies gold!

KILLDOZER has inspired a band's name, a marvel comic book and even this crazy online GAME. Its title also came in handy one day in 2004 when one MARVIN HEEMEYER went on his own bulldozer rampage. The machine he used was later dubbed "Killdozer." The movie might be dated and relatively slow, but if you're of the age where Tonka fantasies still crash in your head you'll be on cloud nine. Unlike SMUCKERS, with a name like KILLDOZER it doesn't have to be good.


* Above images courtesy of Bwana from Gorillanaut!

Traumafessions :: Reader Mark B. on Busta Rhymes' "Gimme Some Mo" Video

Posted on By aunt john

I had a cousin who was really into hip-hop and he got me into the music too when I was about 11 or 12. He had this one CD, Busta Rhymes' When Disaster Strikes (1997), and I was really into it. I would claim to my friends that Busta was my favorite artist and I would watch MuchMusic when I could to see if any of his videos were on, (this was before YouTube).

One day we were watching MuchMusic, (RapCity or something), and then one of the videos from the album E.N.E., The Final Frontier (1998), came on called "Gimme Some Mo." I was totally focused in on it.

The video is a parody of LOONEY TUNES and really weird. It starts off with Busta as a kid talking about how "he bumped his head." From there his eyes start to dilate…and then start to swirl. Busta, as a kid, turns into this blue monster with yellow eyes and long teeth. Almost like a Japanese Hannya or something…but with these long dreads. This is when I started to get freaked out. It was the scene where he is chasing after his mom down a hallway and grabbing at her from behind a door…  that image gave me "the fear" before bed and a few nightmares.

I suggest you check it out, maybe you can relate to how this scared me as a kid.

UNK SEZ: Mark, at first I had no idea how a BUSTA RHYMES video could be scary but after viewing it, I see your point. Not only is the Busta gremlin-beastie a freakish image to behold, but the song samples the immortal BERNARD HERRMAN's opening theme for PSYCHO! I'm sold; this freaky video brings the trauma!

Official Traumatot :: Carrie Henn

Posted on By unkle lancifer

How is it that we were able to go for so long without honoring the incredible CARRIE HENN with an official TRAUMATOT award? Shame on Kindertrauma! Maybe it's because ALIENS is such an exceptional sci-fi action film that we somehow overlook its identity as an extraordinary horror film as well. As Rebecca "Newt" Jordan, CARRIE had to face off not against one rogue maniac, but thousands of monstrous beings who make the standard slasher psycho seem positively civil!

And didn't she bring the best out of our pal Ellen Ripley (SIGOURNEY WEAVER)? Sure, we already had an inkling of the Ripster's macho-maternal instinct from the series first chapter. I mean she put her life on the line to make sure ginger-cat Jonsey was safely tucked into her escape pod. But what Ripley goes through to keep Newt safe from harm's way in ALIENS is above and beyond any known call of duty! Knowing that Ripley's own daughter had passed away from old age during the 57 years her and Jonsey were taking a cat-nap explains much, but I like to think she was also inspired by and related to Newt's chutzpah and will to survive.

Actress CARRIE HENN decided early on to withdrawal from the movie world and so far, she has kept her word. I'd mourn the loss of the actress she might have been if I did not know she chose a much more noble profession to pursue- that of a teacher! Not only is she surround by little Newts of her own in the classroom, word has it that she's a mom now too! Wherever you are CARRIE, Kindertrauma thanks you for your amazing indelible turn in ALIENS with this overdue TRAUMATOT award. We don't care what ALIEN3 says, Newt lives!!!

Kinder-Link :: Made For T.V. Mayhem

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Heads up kids! God's gift to the internet, the undisputed queen of television movies, AMANDA BY NIGHT has posted a list of THE top creepiest characters from television movies from the '70s. You're sure to find somebody or something there that caused you a sleepless night or two, I know I did! Visit Amanda and check out her fantastic list at MADE FOR T.V. MAYHEM!

Traumafessions :: Reader Brayden on Trick or Treats

Posted on By aunt john

The one film that scared me was a film by GARY GRAVER(1982's TRICK OR TREATS). I saw my dad watching it in the family room and I wanted to watch it. He told me okay. And it was all fine until the crazy man started chasing after the babysitter. That seriously traumatized me and I had always pictured the murderer outside my window. And that is why I avoided slashers for a bit of time.

Traumafessions :: Reader David on Pepsi's "Sucked In" Ad

Posted on By aunt john

pepsi ad

Just wanted to say, I adore your site. Anyway, my personal childhood trauma occurred in 1995 (I was 6-years-old then) during the Superbowl. I'm there with my family, eating some chips, enjoying the game and commercials, until I saw something that screwed me up but good—Pepsi's 1995 "Sucked In" commercial.

It's the one where the kid (wearing a sailor hat, no less) is slurping his Pepsi on the beach. He's slurping and slurping, and finally overdoes it and gets sucked into the bottle from his straw, leaving him trapped inside.

Alone.

I was scared to watch another commercial for the next two or three years, and although I'm a huge horror fan now, I refuse to give that commercial another viewing.

Name That Trauma :: Reader Bigwig on Gorilla Genetics

Posted on By aunt john

This one has been plaguing me, and comes from when I was older. It stays with me to this day.

The plot is something like this. A geneticist mixes human sperm (his) in the mix and impregnates a captive laboratory gorilla. The result is a gorilla-boy, who, through some long sort of process, the doctor manages to hide its origins. As he is being nursed, the Gorilla boy has this really weird whimper cry. I think the Gorilla-boy eventually loses his body hair, and the doctor has his vocal cords fixed, and pawns him off as an orphan that he's taking care of. He has all kinds of hardships trying to fit in, but is still regarded (and looks) more-or-less like a human boy.

The Mad Doctor (and I do need to point out that this wasn't a sci-fi movie as you may expect…it was much more like a melodrama) is proud of his accomplishments…however Gorilla-boy, now Gorilla-teen, senses something's not right, as he yearns for the jungle, and can climb trees with reckless abandon. He also falls in love with the Scientist's teenage daughter. In the end, he finds the Mad Scientist's notes, and overwrought, goes to confront/meet his mother, the captive gorilla….who seems to notice him for a few seconds, stroke his face….and then beats him to death!

Here's the clincher, the Mad Doctor takes in relative stride the death of Gorilla-Teen, but months later, his daughter (who was pregnant) gives birth to a baby off screen at the hospital. The Mad Doctor is satisified….until the baby does the whimper-cry!  The movie ends with a freeze-frame of the Mad Doctor's eyes bugging out as he realizes the implications….

I have no idea the movie name, or anyone in it. I'm convinced it was English. The last freeze-frame of the movie, if ever shown to me, would probably induce cardiac arrest.

AUNTIE SEZ: Readers, I am not monkeying around when I say I have no idea what this movie is, and… it's driving me bananas! Please leave your tips in the comments or email them to us at kindertrauma@gmail.com.

The Stuff

Posted on By aunt john

the stuff 

Confession time: Your Aunt John has a major thing for the genius that is director LARRY COHEN. Sure, from a technical perspective his movies aren't necessarily the prettiest to look at (IT'S ALIVE), and yeah, his special effects are typically more, ummm, "special" than effective, but sweet baby Jesus, that man is not only an astute observer of popular culture, but also a brilliant satirist to boot!

Case in point, 1985's THE STUFF.

Like most readers in my age demographic, I originally caught this gem on basic cable the same year a TCBY yogurt set up camp in a neighboring town's strip mall and became THE frozen desert palace du jour (coincidence or conspiracy?).

On the surface, THE STUFF centers on an over-marketed frozen dessert (Is it ice cream? Is it frozen yogurt? Is it, gasp, tofutti?) that becomes a must-have for mindless American consumers along the lines of Swatch Watches and Coca-Cola clothing. Enter MICHAEL MORIARTY (in one of the worst hair-pieces ever!) as David ‘Mo' Rutherford, an industrial saboteur with a silly Southern drawl hired to find out the secret ingredient of the titular "Stuff" by some rival company. He quickly recruits the brainy and beautiful marketing wunderkind behind the successful Stuff advertising campaign (ANDREA MARCOVICCI), a little boy with hypnotically blue eyes (JASON BLOOM), and a deposed cookie entrepreneur (GARRETT MORRIS as "Chocolate Chip Charlie") to ascertain the specifics of said recipe.

If you try to watch THE STUFF as a head-on horror flick, the cheesy zombie-inducing effects caused by mass "Stuff" consumption will surely disappoint you. It's straight up ridiculous, and the shoestring effects budget really doesn't help matters. However, if you focus solely on "The Stuff" advertisements sprinkled throughout the movie, you will see the aforementioned COHEN genius. He lampoons advertisers over reliance on supposedly sexy models, "urban" dance troupes, Broadway actresses, and ‘80s octogenarian ad queen CLARA PELLER.

 

 

Did you catch kinder-heartthrob ABE VIGODA in the above ad? Like I said, COHEN is a genius! Repeat viewings of THE STUFF was enough to keep my family away from TCBY and on the Carvel path. Long live COOKIE PUSS and his (her?) non-zombifying side effects!