kindertrauma

Month: November 2008

Traumafessions :: Reader Joey on Scary Coaster Toaster

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I remember an animated short that was shown on an episode of THE GREAT SPACE COASTER back in the early '80s. It started off showing the history of fire or something like that. Now it's the present day and we see an older couple getting ready for dinner. I think the wife is having problems with the oven and the husband's getting frustrated with the toaster not working and jams a fork in it. Fire pops out of the oven with an evil face at the wife. More living fire comes out and engulfs the whole apartment building and then move on to the neighboring buildings and homes. Eventually they set the Earth ablaze and then jump to the other planets. I remember the end narration stating that the gods were angry and that they would give fire to woman instead of man next time.

I would see this short again no long after on late night pay-T.V. in between movies. I was either 9 or 10 at the time so that really screwed with my head.

Anyone else ever seen this?

Note: Toaster image swiped from HERE.

Kinder-News :: The Votes Are In!!!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

As you may recall, in the not so distant past, we urged our readership to vote on the highly controversial PROPOSITION MARY JANE. The land of Kindertrauma is nothing if not Democratic, and it is an honor to bestow such freedoms upon the masses. In this particular vote you had the expansive choice of deciding YEA or NAY on the fate of one Mary Jane candy. It's no secret that I, your honorary Unkle, was pushing for the demise of said candy, but the people have spoken and as promised I will now concede.

It may alarm you to know that Mary Jane candies did in fact loose by a vote of 7 to 8, but I, in my infinite wisdom, spent the long night wondering why my victory felt so hollow. The answer lied in the snoring, bespectacled cherub face of Aunt John. Aunt John voted against Mary Jane only under extreme coercion and the threat of severe bodily harm. The fact is they have not made a candy that he will not eat, and that includes the heinous Mary Jane.

And being one of the fairest people who ever lived, not only of complexion and cascading ginger locks, but of character as well, I changed his vote to YEA making the end result a tie. Please don't cheer and throw confetti, I am just a man. (A man chosen by God to spread joy across the world with his spot-on karaoke interpretation of the MEN WITHOUT HATS song "Pop Goes the World," but a man just the same.)

The fact is that this past Halloween I was reminded of an even more horrific threat. A threat that is not even a candy; a threat in a small red box that goes by the hoity-toity name of SUN-MAID RAISINS.  Now I ask you, who in their right mind would hand out raisins on Halloween? A mad person I decree! Let's make next Halloween raisin free. That non-treat with its so-called vitamins and nutrients is one thing that even Aunt John could say NAY to!

In closing, Mary Jane you are spared. Weird Sun-Maid girl with the dated hat and the creepy smile, your days are numbered!

P.S.: To all you folks who voted in this or any other recent voting type thingy…give yourselves a big pat on the back; no matter the outcome, you are now a part of history!

P.S.S.: If you've recently voted for a candy or person who found victory, don't be afraid to jump up and down a little.

NOTE: Special thanks to Auntie J for this groovy Mary Jane statue!!!

Kiss Daddy Goodbye

Posted on By unkle lancifer

This telekinetic killer munchkin flick is not like anything you've ever witnessed. You know your old Unk not only has a high tolerance for lameness, but also a masochistic sweet tooth for it, right? Well, I may have finally met my match. Here is a movie that had me waxing nostalgic for the brilliant acting in CATHY'S CURSE and the technical achievement of THE CHILDREN. Watching KISS DADDY GOODBYE is sort of like watching your clothes twirl around in a drying machine while overdosing on Quaaludes. It's not so much a movie as a celluloid incantation infused with the power to make time stop.

After watching their father get lazily murdered by vaguely interested motorcyclists, lethargic psychic-wonder twins Beth and Michael reanimate their pop's corpse. Revenge for his ghastly murder is put on hold, as zombie Dad's primary function seems to be as an unpaid servant/chauffeur. (If your idea of horror is watching blank faced children eating yogurt and building sand castles look no further). Social worker MARILYN BURNS (THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE) and police officer FABIAN FORTE are at risk of discovering the truth about the tykes if they ever leave the one-desk police station set they seem perpetually trapped in.

As dopey as the general plot is, it's the film's delivery that will hold you spellbound. Everyone seems hypnotized and perhaps discretely zapped with unseen cow prods when required to speak. The only word I can think of to describe the two children's performances is "narcoleptic." To tell you the truth, I'm not the type to require that a film have even passable acting in it. I've done without many times before and I'm fine, who am I LEE STRASBERG? Yet, I would prefer that actors are at least of the caliber to deliver a line without trailing off, getting glassy eyed or becoming visibly bored.

At some point the director must have gotten as exasperated as myself and decided to coin the term "think-speak." This is when the kids stop talking all together and begin to communicate by awkward silences and barely focused half stares. It doesn't really solve the problem but it does, at least, present a much-needed break from it. MARILYN and FABIAN do not fare much better, which is a shame because those two are sort of my dream cast. I have a feeling that just being in the general vicinity of the children made them drowsy. The two are sort of forced to walk in circles throughout and spend a great deal of time waiting for MARILYN's car to get fixed.

Frequently shown on ELVIRA'S MOVIE MACABRE, this is one movie that benefited richly from colorful inserts filled with bad puns and big boobs. Even without ELVIRA's help, though, there is something so backwards and misguided here that you're sure not to ever forget the experience. Mind numbing drudgery aside, there is probably no way a person could get through a viewing without laughing out loud at least once. Maybe laughter was not the response the filmmakers intended but it sure beats a yawn.

Name That Trauma :: Reader LeeAnn on Fatal Water Tower Games

Posted on By aunt john

I remember being a kid and walking into the living room while my mother was watching a movie on television.  I watched the remainder of the movie and found it very scary.  It was about some kids (teenagers?) who were playing in/around a water tower, and I think one of them fell inside or got pushed inside.  If I remember right, the kid ended up dying.  I could be way off, but I was hoping someone would be able to tell me what movie I'm recalling.

UNK SEZ: Yikes, another day, another "Name That Trauma" stumper! I feel like I've seen this before. It kind of reminds me of THE OTHER but I think those kids where messing around in piles of hay. Wasn't there another movie where a kid fell into a silo of corn and suffocated in it? Falling into a water tower reminds me of something that might happen at the beginning of C.H.I.P.S. Gee, LeeAnn I'm not quite sure what this may be. If anyone has any ideas please dump them in to the comments section…but be very careful around the comment section edge, it's very slippery and several readers have been known to fall in, never to be heard from again!

Name That Trauma :: Reader Marcel on a Building-Dropping Bug

Posted on By aunt john

Reading the article with AMANDA BY NIGHT gave me chills since, for a long time, I have been searching for something that was VERY similar to the Prisoner's ROVER…

When I was a kid (in the 80s) I rented a VHS tape that at the beginning had these previews and one was like this:

In the middle of the desert a man in a suit, laying on the sand, desperately drags himself at a slow pace, like something was about to attack him (but there is nothing around!). Then a quick cut shows us a big city downtown and a horrible noise. Suddenly, in the best HARRYHAUSEN stop-animation fashion we see flying a HUGE giant mechanical bug (shaped like a fly) that gets on top of one of the skyscrapers and yanks the whole thing out with debris falling all over. Cut back to the guy in the desert, cut to the giant fly with the building hanging between her legs, cut the guy, horrible sound getting more intense, cut to the point of view of the bug flying over dunes, cut to the guy hearing the noise, the bug gets on top of him and drops the building…on him.

It was horrific. I remember rewinding it and watching it over and over again. To this day it haunts me to know what that was about.

AUNTIE SEZ: Marcel, you have us stumped! If any of you dear readers know the name of this freaky fly flick, please leave it in the comments or email it to us at kindertrauma@gmail.com.

Name That Trauma :: Reader Melissa on Monsterous Musical Numbers

Posted on By aunt john

I don't think this is technically considered a trauma 'cause I kinda liked it, but here goes…

When I was 10-ish and growing up in lovely upstate NY, I used to wake up before everyone else and sneak downstairs to watch a very, very early morning T.V. show. It was probably around 1982 or 1983, and it featured (I think) a Dracula, a werewolf, and a Frankenstein in strangely comedic situations. Every once in a while there would be a musical montage of these goofy monsters dancing to stuff like The Archies "Sugar Sugar" or The Stones "Jumping Jack Flash."

I have often wondered if this show actually existed, or if it was just a psychedelic fever dream.

Either way, please help!

UNK SEZ: Melissa you are talking about THE GROOVIE GOOLIES. I loved that show as a kid. In fact I still love it. It premiered in 1970 and it was a spinoff of THE ARCHIES cartoon. Sabrina the Teenage Witch (who I also love) being the connecting factor!!!! Find out more HERE!