kindertrauma

Month: December 2008

Official Traumatizer :: The Bumble Snow Monster

Posted on By aunt john

bumbles bounce

Perennial yuletide special RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER features not only a cast of societal outcasts seeking to overcome their marginalized statuses, but also one of the most traumatizing creations to come ever out of the legendary RANKIN & BASS doll-mation factory. O.K., maybe the second most terrifying after Miss Lilly Lorraine, but the Bumble Snow Monster of the North (BUMBLE for short) has cut a pretty scaring swatch in the collective psyches of footed-pajama wearers across the world.

As if the verbal humiliation heaped on titular star RUDOLPH and his, closeted, aspiring dentist, pal HERMEY weren't enough to make kids cry, the big ol' nasty BUMBLE, with his google-y eyes, sharp teeth, and luxurious coat of white fur, makes ones of those dramatically unexpected, snowy entrances on par with the crazy scythe-wielding lady from CURTAINS. Just like any great horror antagonist, the BUMBLE has his own unique set of weaknesses: he sinks in water; he prefers pork to deer meat; and he is rendered powerless after having all of his teeth extracted by an effeminate, armchair dentist.

Based purely on the anecdotal evidence presented by Reader Miriam67's comment, the BUMBLE is still striking terror in tiny viewers. Should you have a wee-one scared silly by this beast, please sit them and show them this ameliorative clip*:

*Is it just your AUNT JOHN or does the BENNY HILL theme make everything, how you say, all the more H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S? (And yes, I'm looking at you TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE!)

Name That Trauma :: Reader Eugene G. on a Creepy Creature Christmas Special

Posted on By aunt john

This has been driving me crazy for years. I remember seeing a movie or T.V. special that centered around a young girl (possibly British) teaching what appeared to be monsters (people in costumes) all about Christmas. It may have been on Showtime. It wasn't so traumatic for myself, but deemed un-holiday like for my other relatives.

AUNT JOHN SEZ: That sounds ho-ho-horrible! If anyone knows the answer to Eugene's Christmas query, please email it to us or leave it in the comments.

Kinder-News :: Beware the Pincher Penny

Posted on By aunt john

penny


As a special public service announcement to all of the chain jewelry store managers within our readership, your Unkle Lancifer and I would like to make everyone aware of a little thief hitting up all the malls up and down the East coast. You see, it was just yesterday that I, in my kerchief, and Unkle Lancifer, in his cap, set out for Kay Jewelers to shoplift me one of them there to-die-for Open Hearts Necklaces by Jane Seymourâ„¢.

Lancifer and I had our whole grift planned out: I would try on the necklace; he would tell me that it really brings out the brown in my eyes; I would giggle and tell the shop girl that we really couldn't afford such a beautiful piece of jewelry; she would yawn and smile uncomfortably; Lancifer would then fake an epileptic seizure, causing a distraction, and then I would slip off to the food court with necklace while pandemonium ensued. We would then meet up later at the Orange Julius, and maybe split some waffle fries from the Chick-fil-A.

It was a solid plan (and we've used it before successfully to get ourselves some Snuggies from Two Guys).

Anyhows, when we arrived at the shoppe, the display cases were bare… since our little nemesis Penny Woods had already been there.

Check out the surveillance tape below. She sometimes works with an accomplice who pretends to steal her wallet. She is not to be trusted.

Kinder-Editorial :: Intolerance Abounds at the North Pole! by Sam Snowman

Posted on By kinderpal mickster

AUNT JOHN SEZ: Hey kids, with relatively few shoplifting days left until X-Mas, your Unkle Lancifer and I are off today looking for some last-minute steals. Thankfully, Kinderpal Mickster was kind enough to pass along this essay she received from Sam Snowman, narrator of the RANKIN & BASS classic RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER. Take it away Sam:

It has come to my attention that the North Pole has become a hotbed for intolerance over the years. I believe that I have pinpointed the source of this lack of understanding. Santa Claus himself appears to be the catalyst for the effects plaguing this area. Santa, by his example, has made clear that individuals considered "misfits" should be taunted and bullied. Let us look at the list of offenders.

Donner is the first to notice that there is something different about his son, Rudolph. Immediately, he panics because he knows Santa will not tolerate such differences. This is soon confirmed when Santa comes by to congratulate the couple on the birth of their son. When Santa sees the red nose, he warns Donner that Rudolph won't be able to pull his sleigh in the future, if his nose remains red. Donner, regardless of his wife's objections, decides to hide Rudolph's nonconformity so that others will accept him.

The Head Elf has obviously been trained well by Santa to squash nonconformists like bugs. His borderline violent reaction to Hermey's dream to be a dentist drives that point home. How dare Hermey want to do anything other than toy making?

Comet and the other reindeer start making fun of Rudolph the moment his red nose is revealed thus revealing that they too have been infected by the trickle down effects of prejudice.

An unidentified person obviously banished the misfit toys to the island ruled by King Moonracer. Though I can't be certain, I speculate that Santa was involved. Of course, he would not want the world to think he produces misfit toys. The only way to make the problem disappear would be to get rid of those toys.

Discrimination against females is also a huge problem in the North Pole. Santa belittles Mrs. Claus at every opportunity, and Donner totally disregards his wife's opinions on the subject of child rearing. When it comes time to search for Rudolph, Donner is quick to tell Mrs. Donner that this is, "Man's work."

With all these examples of intolerance, I want to assure you that there are a few individuals with accepting hearts:

  • Mrs. Donner wants to do right by her son, but she allows her husband to make all the decisions
  • Clarice accepts Rudolph and even finds his difference attractive. She risks punishment from her father to help Rudolph
  • Yukon Cornelius calls Hermey and Rudolph misfits, but does decide to help them in spite of their differences
  • King Moonracer allows the misfit toys to inhabit his island. He tells Rudolph that he cannot hide from his problems. He also requests that Rudolph speak on the behalf of the misfit toys when he returns to Christmas Town

In the end, it took the misfits' rescue of Donner, Mrs. Donner, and Clarice for individuals to admit their prejudices. Donner apologized to his son, the head elf agreed to let Hermey open a dentist office, Santa asked Rudolph to pull his sleigh, and Santa agreed to pick up the misfit toys.

Unfortunately, a tall, bespectacled elf that wishes to remain anonymous shared his opinion with me, "You can't teach an old elf new tricks. Santa is still an intolerant douche bag. He only agreed to have Rudolph pull his sleigh because of the great blizzard, not because he accepts him." He went on to add this chilling detail, "There is proof that Santa dumped the misfit toys over Siberia with nothing but an umbrella to cushion their fall."

Name That Trauma :: Reader Matt on Bleeding Green & Blinding Balls of Light

Posted on By aunt john

I'll always remember this because this is my first ever experience with HBO and these images have been forever associated with HBO in my mind. The scene I remember most in this movie is where a woman in a huge ‘80s-style, multi-colored mohawk is walking towards some people in a zombie-like trance and someone shoots her. Green blood squirts out in a huge arc as she flies through a window.

Later on in the movie there's a car chase scene where they're being chased around by a glowing ball of light (I think it's on a desert highway) and people are shooting futuristic laser-guns at it. That's all I remember.

Any ideas what it might be?

AUNT JOHN SEZ: If anyone out there has any ideas, please share them via email or in the comments.

Name That Trauma :: Reader Freaked on a Homebound Headless Mannequin With a Heartbeat

Posted on By aunt john

 

 

Dear Kindertrauma:

Please help me. I found your site by accident; it reawakened horrors deep in my mind. One that still puzzles me- a T.V. show or made-for-T.V. movie (I guess). It involves a dress mannequin (without a head, armless torso, and conical bottom skirt portion) that moves. The only sound is that of a loud heartbeat. I believe there is some kid trapped in the house with this thing as it slowly moves around.

What was this?

I have spent most of my life wondering what it was.

Must have seen it in the mid-to-late seventies.

Please, please help me.

Sincerely,

Freaked

Dear Freaked:

I have no freaking idea.

Respectfully yours,

Aunt John

PS: I am confident though that one our readers will know the answer and either leave it in the comments, or email it to us.

UPDATE: NAME THAT TRAUMA solved. It's the 1974 made-for-T.V. movie THE STRANGE AND DEADLY OCCURRENCES starring ROBERT STACK and VERA MILES. Special thanks to reader Propagatrix for solving this one!