kindertrauma

Month: October 2009

Offspring

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I love JACK KETCHUM, he scares the hell out me and once opened, you'd need a crowbar to pry one of his books out of my hands. OFFSPRING, scripted by KETCHUM himself, is based upon the literary sequel to his inaugural terrorizer OFF SEASON. If you're wondering why we're being presented with an adaptation of a sequel before its predecessor, as with many movie head scratchers, it involves a behind the scenes legal issue of some sort. No matter, OFFSPRING works just as well as a standalone story. In fact, the skeletal plot shadows the original tale closely. Basically you have a group of civilized folks battling off a tribe of attacking feral cannibals. An ex-cop is brought in to aid the police and a bloody climax takes place in the cave dwelling of the snarly savages.

On the page KETCHUM can convince you of anything, but OFFSPRING, as a film, has a much steeper hill to climb. Even though I have to admit to being vaguely freaked during some scenes (particularly during the first major attack on the film's happy family) there's a great deal here that fails to persuade. I like to think of myself as pretty adept at forgiving a film its budgetary restrictions, but the cave here looks borrowed from SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS and unfortunately (thanks to Aunt John's tutelage) I now know a bad wig when I see one. Trust me, the wild marauders depicted are truly disturbing in their actions but, much like in the case of the now dated original THE HILLS HAVE EYES, it's difficult to always take the grunting, blackened-toothed actors in loin clothes seriously.

Lovers of raw, depraved cinema may find scraps to gnaw on here and I appreciate the sparse approach, especially in terms of the films soundtrack. Still, the lack of credibility remains a major roadblock. The reality is, bringing KETCHUM's vicious vision unadulterated to the screen is probably not only impossible but also illegal. Where say, THE GIRL NEXT DOOR made up for its cinematic limitations by concentrating on tone and performances, OFFSPRING, by nature, hasn't quite the same option. Director ANDREW VAN DEN HOUTEN (HEADSPACE) can't really be faulted for going straight for the jugular but without a believably solid rack to hang his entrails on, it's an empty gesture. OFFSPRING has disturbing moments for sure (how else can you describe an infant thrown like a football?), but mostly it just feels routinely (and too often, humorously)…off.

Name That Trauma :: Reader Kerstin on Rock-A-Bye Dead Baby

Posted on By aunt john

Hi!

That's a really cool site you have, brings back memories!

I almost gave up on identifying this one, but maybe you can name that trauma:

I'm looking for a movie I saw about 13 years ago, when I spent a lot of time watching horror films in a friend's basement.

It's probably pretty old. I'm quite sure that it was black and white, but maybe it's just very dark.

The story takes place in a house in a forest (or by a forest). I have a blurry memory of a man arriving at the house and being welcomed by a family, but maybe I'm mixing things up here with another movie.

There was a grown up daughter who was treated like a little girl and I think they had at least two children.

In the end the girl is holding her dead baby in a rocking chair (or a cradle?). I'm not even sure there was a real baby. It might be that she just believed she had a baby and that she was swinging something else.

I know that's not much to go with, but that last scene was really memorable, so maybe someone can recall the name?

Thanks,

Kerstin


UPDATE: NAME THAT TRAUMA SOLVED! Special thanks to SlasherChick for answering it with AMERICAN GOTHIC.

Paranormal Activity

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Really? That's it? That's PARANORMAL ACTIVITY? I'm not a hard guy to scare. I've gotten the creeps watching A HAUNTING on A&E in the middle of the day. I jump when the phone rings, my doorbell jolts me like electroshock therapy, I have bad dreams about kittens and I can't stomach the nightly news. THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT actually did freak me out. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY? Nothing …nada. I'm not trying to be contrary. I didn't go in the theater with a chip on my shoulder; I tried very hard to get into this movie. I left my expectations at the door and I imagined it was all happening to me (something that usually works) and still I felt zero fear. What the heck is supposed to be scary in this movie? A blanket falling off the bed? C'mon…really?

Maybe it's me. Maybe because sleepwalking, hours of lost time, unexplained bite marks and crouching in fear from unseen malevolent forces are such huge parts of my day to day existence that they just don't freak me out as much as they should on film. I wanted to be scared, I did. I hate people who say they don't get scared! Still, I don't get this movie! How is it that this movie struck a nerve with some people? To me it's just a story about some garden-variety schlub who's scared of the baggage (i.e. emotional needs) that comes with the gal he just shacked up with. Yea, a Ouji board catches on fire, but the scariest thing in this movie to me was the book on demons that he leafs through. I get subtle horror people, I do; I swear. I don't need slimy monsters and decapitations. Ugh, maybe I just hated the way the couple depicted decorated thier home. Was she having a crafty beading party at one point? I hate this couple. I think they cut in front of me at the concession stand before the movie and asked for unsalted popcorn.

Oh well, to each his own. I don't feel ripped off or anything. I don't feel tricked by the brilliantly creative advertising campaign. I just feel like I got a lap dance from someone that everybody but me is turned on by (wouldn't be the first time). If you find this movie scary, all I can say is I am sooooo jealous of you. I want to be you right now. I want to sleep with the lights on tonight. I want to double bolt my door and watch SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH until I'm relaxed and stable again. Maybe I should put on [REC] or WOLF CREEK to get to that place. I know, I'll watch THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT! If only I could get this damn SINEAD O'CONNOR TUNE out of my head…

Traumafessions :: The Warfreak of Olympic Artichoke on The Cosby Show ep. "Cliff's Nightmare"

Posted on By aunt john

I must confess something to you. I was scared of an episode of THE COSBY SHOW. That's right. THE COSBY SHOW.

In 1990 I was a mere six years old, and I had a very active imagination. I had a fondness in my heart for THE MUPPETS and THE MUPPET BABIES because they were shows that actively sought to tap in to the creativity of the children watching the show. I also liked to watch my share of prime time programming including, but not limited to, THE COSBY SHOW.

Where is the connection between the two, you ask? Well in 1990 an episode of THE COSBY SHOW entitled "Cliff's Nightmare" aired. In the episode Cliff returns home from a long night at the hospital and eats a sandwich that has gone bad – in spite of Claire's warnings. After he falls asleep, Cliff is the victim of a truly bizarre nightmare that absolutely freaked me out. In the dream, Cliff winds up serving under Theo in the Navy, sees his daughter form a time-traveling jazz combo with Olivia, Clair gets caught in a tornado, he's dragged around by THE MUPPETS' Sweetums and Doglion, and then his sandwich comes to life and literally disagrees with him. Gonzo, Waldorf, and a few other MUPPETS were featured as well.

I'm not sure exactly what it was that got to me. Maybe it was the fact that THE COSBY SHOW was so utterly not fantastical in any way and to see the disruption that came from my beloved MUPPETS storming a world of normalcy was too much for me to handle. It was freaky for me to see a figure of stability like Cliff Huxtable be brought to his figurative knees by a fantastic and imaginary world – and especially one that I loved dearly. Whatever it was it has stayed with me to this day. I've not seen the episode since, but I vividly remember it and start to fret a little bit when I think of it.

– The Warfreak

UNK SEZ:: Thanks warfreak and thanks for filling me in on something else I somehow missed, "Halloween Chicken McNugget Buddies" via your super cool website THE OLYMPIC ARTICHOKE!

Traumafessions :: Reader Courtney B. on Pompel & Pilt

Posted on By aunt john

I came across this blog post at Open Salon.

I watched the YouTube clip and am scarred for life, and I'm 37, and don't speak Norwegian.

I love your website.

UNK SEZ: Thanks Courtney! By way of your clip I was also introduced to the extremely creepy KARIUS AND BAKTUS who have been dubbed into English and seem to get off on destroying teeth!

Traumafessions :: Readers matt323, Ema R. & Matt L. on Paranormal Activity

Posted on By aunt john

  1. Did anyone else see PARANORMAL ACTIVITY over the weekend? I caught a midnight screening in State College, PA, and the theater claimed to be the only one in the entire northeast playing it so you probably didn't but if you get the chance you definitely should because it's completely awesome!

    The film uses the same found footage/ cinema verite conceit from THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT but is superior to that film in every single way and is totally the film that BLAIR WITCH wanted to be. While BLAIR WITCH had a couple of effective scenes it was ultimately cheap looking and sounding and, in the end, a cheat.

    PARANORMAL ACTIVITY is well made, well acted, and delivers in the end. As I was walking out of the theater a guy behind me proclaimed, "That was the best movie I have ever seen!" It's supposed to be coming to more theaters in the weeks to come, and is playing in State College again this weekend, and everyone should definitely see it.

    — matt323

  2. Even though this is a website for kindertraumas I thought I'd mention my grown up one. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY is one of the most terrifying movies I've ever seen in my entire life. If the EXORCIST and THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT had a child it would be this film. It left this imprint on my brain and after viewing it I didn't find myself actually asleep until 5am!

    I don't want to give too much away but the scene where…(EDITED due to a lil' spoiler-UNK)… is one of the most horrific things I've ever heard!!! It's an amazing film and I hope everyone demands it! I can't wait to see it again!

    — Ema R.

  3. Aunt John & Unkle Lancifer,

    I just got back from seeing PARANORMAL ACTIVITY and I think I am now experiencing some kind of adult kindertrauma symptoms. Make sure you see this one if it comes to your town. I'm going to be sleeping with the lights on tonight, something I haven't done since I was a kid.

    — Matt L.

UNK SEZ: Wow, three adult traumafessions in one week concerning PARANORMAL ACTIVITY! I missed my chance to see it this past weekend (sold out!), but I will hopefully get another chance this weekend and get back to you guys with a review.

In the meantime, are there any more readers out there traumatized by this movie? We'd love to hear from you in the comments section or send us an email via kindertrauma@gmail.com. It's not every day that a movie traumatizes the big kids, color us dying in anticipation.

Traumafessions :: Reader Dan G. on Little Nemo: Adventures in Slumberland

Posted on By aunt john

I'm shocked, frankly, that no one has posted anything on this epic kindertraumatizer yet. Of all the animated horror that wreaked havoc upon my childhood, including FERN GULLY, FANTASIA and SNOW WHITE, none was as terrifying as LITTLE NEMO: ADVENTURES IN SLUMBERLAND, the 1992 American release of a 1989 Japanese cartoon film. This movie scared the hell out of me.

LITTLE NEMO is the story of Nemo, a nightmare-plagued little boy, much as I was at the time, who is chosen to become heir of a magical dream kingdom called Slumberland. Once given an ounce of responsibility, Nemo abuses his power and opens the forbidden door to nightmare land, putting himself, and everyone else in the kingdom, in some really deep shit. This includes getting King Morpheus of Slumberland captured by the evil Nightmare King. Way to go, Nemo, you putz.

Now, for starters, let's just ignore what kind of presently scary lessons this movie might teach kids like a)It's always O.K. to accept possibly drug-laced cookies from bearded, bespectacled child-molester types who come through your window at night, or b) it's a great idea to pick fights with policemen, as long as you have the help of a cigar-smoking criminal hobo voiced by MICKEY ROONEY, and let's concentrate on the stuff that really made you piss the bed.

For one thing: the fucked up nightmares. I think it seems natural that, when animation depicts a helpless boy being whisked away in a flying bed through the clouds to a creepy decrepit city, being betrayed by said bed (which is supposed to represent safety to small children) and dropped like 5,000 feet into some insane vortex that turns into a tunnel where he almost gets run down by an evil choo-choo train, maybe the viewing five-year-olds might not ever want to go to bed again. I mean, seriously, what the hell?!

And those creepy, slimy looking, black, smoky-type nightmare monsters with the red eyes who flood out of evil looking doors in caves? Can you say scared shitless? Even the supposedly "good goblins" were scary as hell. I don't give a damn how funny or cute you are supposed to think they are, they still have claws and fangs and beady little eyes. And those guys don't even go away when you wake up! They come out from under your fucking bed!! That's messed up.

Not to forget the poisoned cherry on top of this horrific sundae, last but not least, is the Nightmare King himself. Giant horns, big claws, glowing red eyes, oh, and did I mention he's like 50 stories tall? He bears close resemblance to another animated frightener, that big mountaintop Satan guy from the end of FANTASIA (on which I also intend to make a submission, since he scared the living piss out of me too) except instead of just grinning evilly and conjuring up weird skeletal warriors and little naked sprites to play around with, he imprisons your friends in funky little tubes where they're frozen in odd positions and he shocks them for fun. Combine all that with an impressive basso voice (complete with a slight hint of a theatrical mock-British accent) a lava pit, and claws that can pop up anywhere, you've got one wicked, creepy motherfucker who lives in a weird spirally castle and makes you piss the bed for a week.

All in all, we have here a genuine kindertraumatizer that will screw with your mind and keep you up and shaking way past your bedtime. And if you can eventually get to sleep without being convinced that the Nightmare King is in your closet, as soon as you doze off your bed is going to fly out the window and drop you in the ocean. Yeah, that's right, go jump in bed with mommy and daddy.

On a final note, I can tell you exactly why this movie is screwed up the way it is: because the man who adapted the screenplay is a sicko who's been frightening grownups for decades. Fucking RAY BRADBURY.

Yours in childhood trauma,

Dan G.