kindertrauma

Month: July 2010

Unk's Top Ten Willy Inducing Moments

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Kinder-friendly Andre Dumas of HORROR DIGEST recently posted a list of her "Top Ten Willy Inducing Moments" and what an intriguing list it is. I love the idea of diving right down to the nitty-gritty of what gets under your skin. As far as I'm concerned, you can buy as many posters, T-shirts and DVDs as you like but if you don't know the willy first hand, then you're really just a horror tourist!

Fellow bloggers have followed suit and the results have been equally compelling. Unfortunately, my tardiness to the willy party (that sounded better in my head) means that many a good willy is now already spoken for (that did too.) Christine over at FASCINATION WITH FEAR mentioned Father Karras' mother from THE EXORCIST and the chilling last lines from SESSION 9 and I couldn't agree more. Johnny Sandman of PARADISE OF HORROR nabbed the furry ghost from THE SHINING and my favorite scene from HALLOWEEN. The Mike of FROM MIDNIGHT, WITH LOVE jumped on that last chilling shot from PRINCE OF DARKNESS and the creepy as hell parents from THE GATE. Mike of ALL THINGS HORROR included the famous window scenes from both SALEM'S LOT and THE OMEN and BJ-C of DAY OF THE WOMAN dug up creepy laughing Linda from THE EVIL DEAD! Andre herself mentioned such goodies as the not so ghostly apparition from THE INNOCENTS and that damn Zelda from PET SEMATARY!

Well, I had to join in even if some of my favorite creepy scenes had already been mentioned, so here goes…

I've mentioned the daddy long leg spider hive from THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE before. I consider myself a friend of spiders but these guys I can do without. I really believe that they are up to no less than chewing a hole into the universe. Bad spiders!

DOLORES CLAIRBORNE is not a scary movie but the scene where JENNIFER JASON LEIGH looks into a mirror only to see the back of her own head is as startling as being doused with a bucket of ice. It's a shock that reverberates through the rest of the film and it is a brilliant representation of her disowned self.

Speaking of shaky identities, the ultimate reveal of ANGEL HEART may be cliché by this point but it blew my brains into smithereens when I first encountered it. MICKEY ROURKE (who has the best man-scream in the world) crying; "I know who I am!" still gives me the goose bumps.

DAY OF THE LOCUST lulls you into thinking you are on firm ground and then shakes you like a snow globe. Suddenly, the whole world turns violently surreal and there's just no going back to normal. This is herd behavior at its most nightmarish, a flattening bulldozer of chaos.

INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHER's final moment is cruelly sadistic and outrageously pessimistic. Man, how did DONALD SUTHERLAND pull that unearthly trick with his face? I'm sure they would distort his mouth with CGI these days but that all natural howling mug's only competition is a MUNCH painting.

UGH, this has always haunted me. I can't stand MELODY ANDERSON's smirk when we find out she's moonlighting as a murderous zombie in DEAD AND BURIED. First of all, it's all filmed in BLAIR WITCH grainy-cam and secondly, not my MELANIE ANDERSON! Not she of the cherub cheeks, not DALE ARDEN! I can't stand it. I have to throw up.

I don't know how they achieved the evil face at the end of DON'T GO TO SLEEP, but I think it involves worshipping Satan.

Speaking of Satan, this face from SATAN'S TRIANGLE jump started my relationship with horror. It is the most evil thing in the world and I wish it would take a rest from spooking me. This atrocity is, in actuality, my number one willy but I refuse to allow it the satisfaction of knowing that.

You'd think that becoming an adult would save me from the worst of what the willy has to offer. I can use my rational mind to protect myself now right? Enter DAVID LYNCH. Hello, folks, my name is Unkle Lancifer and I am currently too scared to watch MULHOLLAND DRIVE. I saw it twice in the theater and it made me feel like I was going nuts. The old people, oh good lord, the old people! Their out of control maniacal smiley faces were bad enough, bringing back memories of both DON'T GO TO SLEEP and SATAN'S TRIANGLE but then they had to go one pounce further and become tiny berating imps. Welcome to my hell, this is pure unmitigated insanity dumped right out of the box. DAVID LYNCH, for future reference, I scar and sue easily.

At this present date I decree that the wall/face from THE HAUNTING may be my personal ultimate willy. I believe it to be the willy in its purest form. If I've learned anything from compiling this list besides (1) I hate mobs (be them man or spider) and (2) I have serious identity issues that I should look into, it's that (3), I can't stand smiling faces!!! Please everybody stop smiling you are FREAKING me out! My one refuse from the smiling masses is my home where smiling is prohibited but THE HAUNTING seems to want to tell me that a smile can be found anywhere even on a wall. Damn you THE HAUNTING, is nothing sacred? Are you, THE HAUNTING, trying to suggest that all of my willies exist only in my head? Why would you say that THE HAUNTING, and more importantly why would you smile when you say that?

Holy crap, that's too many willies for one day even for me. Now I'm depressed. Well, in all my time on planet Earth I've only found one sure fire cure for the heebie jeebies, the willies and the blues and it's called watching FLASH GORDON! Here's the MELODY I know and love. Go Flash Go! Go Flash Go!

Note: MULHOLLAND DRIVE oldster images courtesy of CHILLY SCENES OF DREADFUL VILLAINY!

UPDATE: Stacie Ponder of FINAL GIRL fame has posted her 10 williest willies HERE! While you're hanging out at the Ponder palace make sure you check out her bloggenaire feature on Kinder-pal Amanda by Night HERE!!!

PLUS: Dod from THE WGON HELICOPTER joins in HERE!

PLUS: MAGNIFLORIOUS does some good willies HERE!

PLUS: THINGS THAT DON'T SUCK and HORROR EXTREME!

And don't forget Pax Romano of BILLY LOVES STU and a ton more HERE!

Name That Trauma :: Reader André on a Hot House

Posted on By aunt john

Here's the description of the movie/T.V. show that has haunted me since I was a kid.

I believe it aired in the '80s or early '90s and I've seen it on French-Canadian television, so it may have been foreign.

Basically, it's the story of a family (I believe it's a mom, a dad and their two kids) and they're going about their usual business in their house*. As it goes on however, the family starts to complain about heat (the temperature inside the house keeps getting hotter) and they can't get out, all the doors and windows are blocked.

At some point also, they discover this huge green mass/monster covering the floor from one of the rooms and it's expanding rapidly. Everyone screams and panics, and that's when you realize that the house* in question is actually a doll's house that's been put in the oven by the naughty brother.

*O.K., so let me explain: It turns out that this kid put her sister's doll house inside the family's oven and left some green candy inside (which melted because of the oven's heat) and at the end you come to understand that you had been following the horrible story of a bunch of dolls trapped inside an oven.

It might sound crazy, but it ain't a dream! I really saw that on T.V.

Tip: Someone once told me it might have been from an episode of THE RAY BRADBURY THEATER, although I've never been able to verify that claim.

Thank you for helping!

André

UPDATE: NAME THAT TRAUMA SOLVED! Special thanks to the unsinkable Senski who left a comment and Reader Dani K. who emailed us the "Child's Play" episode of the Hammer House of Mystery and Suspense.

Fatal Games (1984)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I've somehow been able to elude seeing 1984's FATAL GAMES for decades. I've never heard much praise thrown upon it and I've always been turned off by its beyond bland VHS cover art… avoidance has been a breeze. A friend even loaned it to me once and it sat on my T.V. for months quietly gathering dust until I returned it unviewed. Who was I kidding though, FATAL GAMES is an eighties slasher so it was only a matter of time until I broke down. I could run but I could not hide, I had to get it over with. I watched FATAL GAMES and now a new chapter of my life begins…

Overall, FATAL GAMES (a.k.a. OLYMPIC NIGHTMARE) sucked as much as I thought it might but I can't say it was completely without entertainment value. If it was just a wee bit better it would be a complete and total washout but its perpetual atrociousness makes it strangely worthwhile for those of us with a masochistic need to scrape the bottom of the barrel. I would have jumped off of this maladroit mobile early on but several things kept me clinging. First of all, I owe SALLY KIRKLAND my attention because she was in THE HAUNTED, which rules, second it was nice to see SUZANNA LOVE's BOOGEY MAN bro NICHOLAS again, and third, I kind of liked the kills, monotonous as they are.

If you've seen 1981's GRADUATION DAY then you've run this lap already. A mysterious maniac, instead of killing humans, has decided to kill athletes instead (yes, I suck at sports and don't act surprised.) This time the killer hides in the shadow of a hoodie, ala URBAN LEGEND, and utilizes a signature pointy weapon, the javelin. I know it's wrong but even a terrible movie deserves some points for showing people being impaled on a javelin. I have no desire to now own FATAL GAMES on DVD, but I do have a strange desire to go out and buy a javelin, maybe two.

I have a feeling that director MICHAEL ELLIOT had some fun and was enthusiastic about filming the film's crazy climax and its bizarre deaths but had no love for filming the rest. I say that because it shows. The filler between the mayhem is pretty damn laborious and I'm not a stickler for continuity, but I sure miss it when it's M.I.A. It's night, it's day, they're in the school they're not in school, "characters" say they're going out for hamburgers and then end up in a Mexican restaurant, I don't get it. Furthermore, plot lines are presented and never followed through with and you have to hear excuse after excuse about why people don't catch on to the obvious. Speeches about "winning" and being "the best" also tend to make me want to blow my brains out (or at least nose dive onto a javelin.)

FATAL GAMES must have been simply intolerable on release but being from 1984 it does have a great deal of chewy nostalgia to offer now. I know I usually wave an invisible cane and bitch about the good old days but my eyes done been opened. I'm really glad that boys don't have to wear nylon Daisy Dukes anymore and that women have abandoned the macramé leg warmer. Some people may find it absorbing that, because of the locker room atmosphere, there is a plethora of nudity going down. If you want to see a completely naked lady chased down a hall then you are indeed in luck. Poor me, I was left cringing at dudes in billowing, bloomer-like "tighty whiteys" that looked like they were stolen from my dead grandma's laundry basket, talk about your double standards and also, blech.

I'm glad I finally did succumb to FATAL GAMES because really the killer reveal is hilariously awesome and the final fifteen minutes or so are almost up to snuff. The kills throughout too, were acceptable for the most part (we even got a traumafession about one of them HERE.) But even I, master Turdpol (stands for turd polisher) cannot pretend that there is much to the rest of the film besides the type of pain you are usually accustomed to experiencing in a dentist's chair. If you have lots of friends and you are all raging, sarcastic alcoholics who need to feel superior, you should join together one day and watch this one as a group and trade barbs, YOU will have a blast. Don't be like me and watch it alone during the day on Youtube eating Sour-Blast Skittles, because that may destroy you or at the very least, leave you making a mental note to update your drawers.

Traumafessions :: Writer/Director/Composer Kristian Day on An Americal Tail & Sesame Street

Posted on By aunt john

As a child growing up in the late '80s and early '90s in the Midwest, I was normally entertained by video tapes and television shows. I can't really remember a time where I wasn't watching a cartoon or kids program. We didn't have a lot of money so I watched a lot of things over and over again. This is the time where the young mind is very fragile and can be shaped easily for the long journey that lies ahead. None of these tales that I am telling you have anything to do with horror or anything around it. It's amazing what parents think is good and healthy for their children to watch. Oh how little do they understand a child's mind.

I don't remember the first time I watched AN AMERICAN TAIL, but it was never a movie that I could just sit through. There are three occasions where I was always forced to run to my VCR (no remote) and fast forward. The first time is at the beginning of the film when the Russian cats appear on top of the snowy hill growling and snarling. The sound of their lips smacking as they smiled used to crawl under my skin and get my heart beating quickly.

The second time is right when the mice sing the song "There Are No Cats in America" and the thunder and lighting strike which leads into the severe storm and tidal wave monster. It was so huge and swallowed up the boat over and over again. I grew up along the Mississippi River and was warned constantly not to swim without a life jacket or I might get swallowed up under the current. Fievel just kept getting hit and hit by the waves. The face inside the water would open up its huge black mouth and my own eyes would grow big. It kept me away from the river during bad storms.

The third time is, of course, "The Giant Mouse of Minsk." This stuck with me for so long. The film builds up to this perfectly. I never understood that it was made by the mice, I swore that it was alive. The sounds that it made when it first breaks open the boarded up door made my spine tingle. The roar, I feel, is way too much for the target age group. It was so powerful. Plus, the giant mouse was extremely ugly with its huge white eyes, jagged teeth and insect-like body. To this day I have a huge problem with rodents, dead or alive.

PBS was also big in my house. I watched a lot of SESAME STREET. Now don't get me wrong, I loved the show and I always had a great time watching it but a large percentage of my nightmares as a child resulted from watching the show. Characters from the weird animations showed up in my dreams over and over again. I remember dreaming I was at the top of the stairs that lead down into my basement. It was dark and I could only see the light reflection from the linoleum floor, I remember seeing little clay animation creatures like "Teeny Little Super Guy," spider creatures, and animals that didn't seem to have mouths…ever. There was even a horse like creature that had the skin and texture of the Pillsbury Dough Boy except it didn't have a mouth. It moved like a horse, however the head would turn and react to things like a cat or dog.

There were always crazy psychedelic shorts that were full of color and creativity but I never thought it would have caused me to sleep so badly. I always had to play the trick when I wanted to wake up from a dream I would close my eyes really hard until I woke up. However, sometimes I would open them and what ever animal or mutant there was had gotten right in front of me. I was trying to escape but the monster won…

UNK SEZ: Thanks Kristian for that traumatic traumafession! Kids you can check out Kristian's recent short film "Bird Seed" over HERE and check out his experimental short "Drawings by Billy and His Friends" below!

Traumafessions :: Reader Laura T.J. on Smokey the Bear

Posted on By aunt john

I am still traumatized by the 1973 "Prevent Forest Fires" PSA starring JOANNA CASSIDY. Do you remember the one? The one where she RIPS HER OWN FACE OFF to reveal that she is actually Smokey the Bear in disguise?

You can watch it on YouTube.

You can…I can't.

Just the thought of it, even now, makes me want to hide behind the couch.