Month: October 2010
Unk & Mickster's Halloween Candy Top Five
It's that time of year again when I usually jump on a soapbox and plead with the civilized world for the banning of Mary Jane candy. Since all of my previous efforts to rid the Mary Jane scourge from trick or treat bags across the land have gone widely ignored thus far, I have chosen to take a different, more dignified path.
My imaginary friend Cloister, the three-eyed donkey often says, "Why be a negative Nellie when you can be a positive swellie?" Now, I usually don't listen to Cloister because Cloister also says things like, "Take the money!" "Put your hand in the fire!" and "Push Aunt John off the step stool!" but this time I think Cloister has a point. Instead of talking about the Halloween candy I hate why not talk about the candy I love?
Because C3-PO would be intolerable without R2-D2 I elicited the help of the legendary and by all accounts very real Kinderpal Mickster (Check out Mickster in Halloween garb HERE!) to aid in my venture into the world of not bitching about the grossest candy ever made, the Mary Jane. Both Mickster and I both thought long and hard and picked our favorite five Halloween candies. Below you'll find our choices and please keep them in mind when selecting what to distribute from you door this Halloween. Yo, Mickster, you're up first!
MICKSTER'S CANDY TOP FIVE
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups: Hey, you got your chocolate in my peanut butter…you got your peanut butter in my chocolate…two great tastes that taste great together! The orange packaging of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups makes me feel all warm and Halloweenie inside!
Candy corn: Whenever I see the yellow, orange, and white of candy corn, I automatically think of Halloween. Mmm-yummy sugar goodness!
Caramel Apples: Delicious and sticky caramel apples remind me of the Halloween Carnival at my elementary school. I looked forward to that carnival every year! Unfortunately, it is now called a "Fall Festival." I say boo and hiss to that! I would never accept a caramel apple trick-r-treating because of the trauma of seeing that kid's tongue in HALLOWEEN II.
Fun-sized candy bars: Fun-sized Snickers are simply fantastic! However, I am cautious if a hippie offers me one because of the warning given by Harris on the Tricks and Treats episode of FREAKS AND GEEKS. He warned Sam, Neil, and Bill that evil hippies were replacing fun-sized candy with chocolate-covered poop! Grody to the max!
Tootsie Pops: How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie roll center of a Tootsie Pop? I'll never know because like Mr. Owl from the classic commercial, I cannot resist crunching after lick number three!
UNK'S CANDY TOP FIVE
Lemon Heads: I've always related to Ferrara Pan's Lemon head candies. Like me, they are cheap as hell. Plus, I know I have a giant head even though most people avert their eyes and are polite about it. It's O.K., I've accepted it, we can't all be CHRISTOPHER GEORGE. I was once upon a time also a fan of Cherry Clan candies too but those dudes had to go away because one day everybody realized that they were racist.
Kit Kat bars: I probably sound like a commie pinko that you would like to burn at the stake but my opinion is that chocolate is no big thing. I don't hate it or anything; I just don't understand the crazy, Pavlovian response it usually gets from people. What's the big deal? It is rare or something? The stuff is everywhere. I would think coconut would be more of a delicacy because you have to scrape it out of that hairy shell. Anyway, I cannot fault the Kit Kat bar as it transcends chocolate's usual limitations with the help of that crispy wafer thing shoved inside it.
Smarties: These seem kind of like a rip off and sort of taste like chalk but they never fail to remind me of Halloween. Also, a little known fact is that they actually do make you smarter if you eat enough of them.
Sour Patch Kids: I blame all the suffering in my youth from the fact that Sour Patch Kids were not invented yet.
Bottle Caps: Bottle Caps are delicious like nobody's frickin' business and they taste fuzzy. Word on the street is that even people who hate root beer flavor candy enjoy root beer flavored Bottle Caps. These days it seems like they are only around during Halloween and can only be found in Willy Wonka assortment bags. I miss the classic squashed head packaging myself but I'll take them anyway I can!
Now it's your turn! Speak now or forever hold your peace. What is your Halloween Candy Top Five? Let us know what you like so that we'll be sure to hand it out this Halloween!
Name That Trauma :: Reader Karol L. on a Nail in a Noggin
Hey there,
I remember watching some B-horror flick when I was little and I can't for the life of me remember the title or much of the plot. I remember two scenes however:
The first one involved a young couple camping somewhere at night, messing around, playing hide-and-seek (possibly near a lake?) The chick runs off to hide in some shed, but there's something in there that drives a huge nail through her head.
The second scene I remember was some CCTV footage from a security camera in a hospital, where this creature walked between the staff yet nobody seemed to notice it.
Any ideas?
UNK SEZ:: Karol, I'm not completely sure about this but the first scene you describe sounds a lot like 1981's THE INCUBUS. If memory serves there is a young couple hanging out by a quarry and at some point they hide from each other in a shed. I think the guy ends up with the nail in his head though. I don't recall the CCV bit so I might be wrong. If anyone has another idea let us know!
Name That Trauma :: Reader Paul B. on Ghastly Golden Girls
Hi there,
Wondering if you could help me identify a film that's been haunting me since I was a kid. This must have been the mid-‘70s and I saw a trailer and movie poster for a film that involved a bunch of seniors living in a house who killed people. All I remember is the trailer announcer saying, "There's nothing wrong with this house… it's the people in the house…"
The poster I think had some seniors on it and a woman's leg sticking out of a grocery bag. Oh – also – in the trailer, there's two old people standing next to a young woman with a bag over her head who is sitting on a building roof ledge and they push her off.
I've searched the internet forever and can't find hide no hair of what this film was and it bugs the hell out of me.
Anyway – thanks for the great site and wonderful memories.
— Paul
UNK SEZ: Paul, let me put an end to your agony as quickly as possible. We've gotten a "Name That Trauma" on that movie before (HERE)! You must be talking about 1974's HOMEBODIES! Check out the trailer (in Spanish) below!
Name That Trauma :: Reader Adam N. on a Horrifying Halloween LP
Hey Kindertrauma, this is Adam N. wanting to share a creepy memory from the bygone days of the late ‘70s.
Someone in my family (definitely not my Mom or Dad – likely a crazy AUNT!) bought my siblings and me a horror sound effects record that we listened to with abandon. This was likely around 1977-78, when I'd have been 7 or 8 years old, the oldest of the rugrats. We'd turn all the lights off, put a sheet over the dining room table, pile underneath and listen to this intensely creepy record.
Here's where my memory and reality might diverge. See, I remember this record being not a collection of sound effects strung together semi-randomly but long SOUNDSCAPES that, through only sounds and no dialog, really told simple, ultra creepy journeys through horror. The one I can almost still hear was called (something like) "The Haunted House."
You heard footsteps on a sidewalk, wind in the trees, then a shutter banging on a house in the near distance. Footsteps continue. A gate creaks open, and the sound of footsteps on old wooden stairs. Door opening with a deafening creak, then BANG! It's shut and the wind is gone.
I remember this tinkling sound, like wind through broken glass and maybe the sound of a GHOSTLY CHILD crying. It went on, the listener following these footsteps through this haunted house until it ended with – I dunno, must have been shrieks of terror or something. I can't remember.
In the past few days I've been searching for it, and thought I found it – an A&M record from 1977 called "Halloween Horrors" but when I listened to it on Amazon, it didn't seem right.
I would love to listen to it again to see if this horrific audio triptych still holds up!
Horror Digest Funhouse-O-Vision Part II : Andre's Revenge
Andre of the HORROR DIGEST is back with some more television images for you kids to identify! This time your Unk threw in a couple of images of his own too! We'll both be on hand as co-hosts if you should need us. Good Luck!
