kindertrauma

Year: 2010

Black Water (2007)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

When I was little my brothers and I used to play a game we called "hot lava." To play the game, you simply pretend that your orange wall-to-wall shag carpeting is hot lava. You can climb and walk on the couch, the coffee table or any bureau or shelf you can reach but you can't let your feet touch the floor. If you're feeling adventurous you can throw books or sofa cushions down to make a path/walkway but if you should ever touch the ground with your feet, that's it…you're ash. Obviously this is the funnest, most challenging game ever invented so if you don't have orange shag wall-to-wall carpet, maybe you should invest in some today and check it out.

Wait a minute, my spell-check thingy is trying to tell me that "funnest" isn't a word. Are you serious? Would someone please make that a word already? It's frickin' 2010.

Where was I? Oh yea, so I was thinking about the game "hot lava" the whole time I was watching the lil' Aussie movie with a heart of gold called BLACK WATER! BLACK WATER (2007) is the story of some folks whose boat gets tipped over by a crocodile in the mangrove swamps of Australia and they end up clinging for their lives in some trees. Every time one of the survivors tries to climb down from said trees they more often than not get chomped to shreds by the cranky croc. I know that doesn't sound like much of a plot but trust me, this movie delivers the goods and it does so in a respectable way.

Rather than "hot lava" this movie will probably remind normal viewers of the same year's ROUGE, another Aussie swamp croc flick from the guy who did WOLF CREEK. Now, I liked ROGUE so I'm not going to rag on it but BLACK WATER handles similar material with a fraction of the budget and with no help from the ever persuasive RADHA MITCHELL. The biggest distinction though is that BLACK WATER actually uses real crocs rather than CGI beasts and what a difference that makes.

Don't tell the SYFI channel (it'll break its heart!) but Mother Nature made some creatures (crocodiles for instance) so scary that they need no embellishment. Your garden variety crocodile is covered with slimy dragon scales, has piercing demon eyes and a large snarly mouth which is host to about a zillion razor sharp teeth. It really doesn't have to guzzle radioactive waste and grow seventy feet tall to kick your ass. If you've only seen the depressed kind in your local concentration camp, I mean zoo, let me tell ya it's a different story on their own turf. BLACK WATER makes use of the whole "home team advantage" thing.

I hate to make broad generalizations but since this is a positive one, indulge me. Australian horror movies tend to have a genuine connection to their land that I admire. Films as varied as THE LONG WEEKEND(1978), WOLF CREEK and especially NICOLAS ROEG's borderline horror flick WALKABOUT(1971) have such a readable reverent awe towards nature that it just feeds into your primitive primal fears about how unblinkingly arbitrary survival is. Good for you, Australia! I swear to God as soon as they invent a teleporting device I'm going to come visit you! (There's really no way I could ever spend the 14 hours on an airplane it would take to visit you from where I am now.) By the way scientists, what the hell is the hold up with teleportation? I feel like if I was a scientist I would have figured that shit out by now. Do you guys already have teleportation and you're just not sharing it?

BLACK WATER is a tight little nature hates you thriller that's unlikely to inspire fanaticism but is, all and all, a guilt free satisfying experience. You get to know the characters, you care when they die and you empathize with their shitty day from hell that destroys all their pie in the sky dreams for the future in one fatal swoop. The biggest compliment I can give this movie is the simplest one; after it was done I checked IMDb to see if the directors (DAVID NERLICH & ANDREW TRAUCKI) had done anything else. Turns out TRAUCKI has just completed a shark movie called REEF, and if someone out there only had the foresight to invent a time machine (like it would be that hard), I could be watching it right now.

Traumafessions :: Thu Tran of FOOD PARTY on Bedrooms, Action Flicks & Ninja Scroll

Posted on By aunt john

UNK SEZ: "Let's Party!" If reading that sentence makes you want to throw confetti, spread peanut butter all over your face or strangle a baguette, then you are probably one of the super lucky people familiar with the supernova of creativity known as FOOD PARTY. Hosted by the at turns adorable and diabolical THU TRAN, FOOD PARTY celebrates culinary madness and imagination (think BETTY CROCKER drop kicked by PEE WEE HERMAN or the live action version of the PLAY-DOH FUN FACTORY) and it just might be the very last vestige of brain tickling awesomeness on television. Hilarious and mind blowing, both giggle and nausea inducing, FOOD PARTY is the best invention since sliced head cheese and can be viewed Tuesdays at 10pm EST on my now favorite place on Earth, the IFC channel.

Recently while roving reporter AUNT JOHN was out shopping for "fantasy potion" and ingredients to make ham and spaghetti pancakes with pineapple sauce he bumped into the she-wizard of culinary kookery herself THU TRAN! Ever on his toes AUNT JOHN offered a trade to the joyous genius of grub; a hand full of soon to expire coupons for one super fresh traumafession. THU recognized that many of the coupons were for goose blood and happily agreed, this is what she whispered in his ear…

Many things scared me as a child

I was scared of having my feet exposed while I was sleeping. I was compulsive about having my feet entirely covered. I was scared that monsters under my bed would drag me down into hell by my ankles. Under the bed was the portal to hell.

Upon watching AMERICA'S MOST WANTED, UNSOLVED MYSTERIES, and many action movies such as anything in the DIE HARD series, ROBOCOP series, TERMINATOR series, and any JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME movie, I was horrified of my bedroom in general. My bedroom was on the ground floor in the front of the house, with a huge window facing the street with venetian blinds. There were street lamps, and any late night cars passing by, which would shine VERY brightly through the blinds. During nights of insomnia, I would stare at the window, and be terrified of villains smashing through the window double fisted with AK's or uzis. Neither ever happened.

I also developed a HUGE phobia of small holes clustered in concentrated areas. This was developed shortly after watching NINJA SCROLL and being genuinely terrified of the wasp monster that attacks Jubei.

Specifically, I remember waiting at the bus stop going to 2nd grade and there being a huge smooth hill of snow that someone had casually scattered some salt on to. It created these holes that I was so terrified of swarming bugs coming out of. Even seeing tree bark with ant holes in it freaks me the fuck out.

I'll stop at three.

Thanks THU TRAN for sharing your childhood memories with our beloved readers, you are a sport and an inspiration! You also back up my theory that the more scared you are as a kid the more imaginative you'll be as an adult! Remember traumatots to watch FOOD PARTY on IFC every week. You will gain weight, wisdom and happiness and you'll get to spend some quality time with your new friend THU TRAN!

NOTE: Visit Kinderpals BUZZ and KATE for even more FOOD PARTY love and the official FOOD PARTY blog right over HERE and at IFC HERE!

Name That Trauma :: Reader rock_hardplace on a Trapped Town & a Battle Bug

Posted on By aunt john

Hello all, I have faint memories of two separate T.V. episodes I saw during my youth and hopefully my description is enough for someone here to decipher what they are.

The first is of a SciFi T.V. episode/movie around the late ‘70s, in which people are in a town but they can't escape because there is a giant glass wall all around. I think one group of people in a truck tried to ram the wall and the truck exploded, however the glass wall remained intact. Another scene had this white chair which looked oval like an egg, and when people sat on it they dreamed or hallucinated, or something to that effect. I remember one guy grabbed the chair and ripped it open and revealed the inside of the chair to be organic (I think it starts spewing out blood or fluids or something.)

Also, every so often when people would be walking around town minding their own business, a giant shadow would appear around them as if something was flying above – I don't think they ever showed what it was, only the shadow it cast. Everyone in the vicinity of the shadow would immediately try to grab onto something anchored to the ground, like a tree, as to not get sucked up by the thing floating above. Finally, near the end I remember that one guy was excavating next to the glass and finally found the bottom of it but I don't remember if he escaped.

The second memory I have is a very short clip but also on T.V. and about the same timeframe – late ‘70s, it is of this man holding some sort of huge mutant insect/bug about the size and shape of a turtle, and he is arguing with some other guy. Then the bug man drops the bug on the ground and the bug slowly crawls toward the other guy and catches up with him and attacks (I think the bug's wings extended during the attack.)

That's about all I can remember. Ring any bells?

Thanks,

rock_hardplace

UPDATE: NAME THAT TRAUMA SOLVED! Special thanks to Derek Obrien for knowing that the first one is THE FANTASTIC INVASION OF PLANET EARTH (aka THE BUBBLE) & additional kudos to Brother Bill for getting the second one with THE OUTER LIMITS episode "The Invisibles."

Splice

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Full disclosure: I adore SARAH POLLEY. If you read this here blog you're probably well aware of all my isms, schemas and bugaboos about modern cinema; my hatred of gaudy bombastic formulae and my passionate, quiet love for the idiosyncratic. It's easy to damn the movie gods and shake your fist at the sky without a solution or example of a preferred route but I happen to have an example of the preferred route and her name is SARAH POLLEY. Here is a successful, intelligent and proficient artist who takes risks and explores the fringe without catering to spectacle or vanity. She's so damn dignified, in tune and self possessed, that I just want to buy her an ice cream cone; I almost feel that she'd let me. That's a real human face you're seeing on screen, those are real human teeth, real person eyes and real human emotions. Something about SARAH POLLEY makes every other film star look like a garish vaudeville cartoon. POLLEY is the last human on Earth in a world of vampires. I AM LEGEND is based on her life. Did I mention that I LOVE SARAH POLLEY with all that is left of my charcoal heart?

SPLICE is a great fit for POLLEY, its shell might distract you into thinking it's another sexy alien rampage dud like SPECIES but beneath the CGI shenanigans, primal, monumental emotions are stirred. This movie hit me on a level that I really wasn't prepared for. I'm going to try to explain how it made me feel and in the process I may also reveal that I have severe mental problems. Please do not call the guys with the nets to come and get me. This is between just you and I…

I have near constant nightmares that my cat is in danger and needs help and I can't help him. This has been going on forever.

(Also: Have you seen the footage of the pelican covered in oil? It means we're all going to burn in hell.)

Here's the thing people, and they won't teach you this in school, the bravest thing you can ever do in life is take on the responsibility of caring about some other creature's well being. I don't care if it's your dumb baby, your smooch partner or a goldfish, you're putting yourself in the position of being hurt and torn apart. SPLICE may pretend it's all about creating FRANKENSTEIN monsters that cannot be controlled but its real power comes from the HORROR of caring. As soon as POLLEY starts to care about the being she has created, she is screwed. There is no way things are going to work out well, she has very unscientifically opened her heart and her heart is doomed. The universe sees her heart as a dartboard.

There's a bunch of stuff in this movie about playing God (somebody's got to), gender identity and hipster apartment hunting but I really don't care about that stuff. I really loved how SPLICE makes you care and then makes you pay for it. I'm not sure if that was its intention or if I just need a vacation but I was really impressed by how it rakes maternal/paternal feelings and then just shoots them down without ever being too obvious about it. (There's also something here about POLLEY's character trying to correct her own upbringing and finding what a dead end that is that I found interesting as well.) Oh yeah, and I almost forgot, this is a horror movie and the ending really does deliver some tense scares. As you can tell this isn't so much a review as some random associations, if it was a review I'd give it a seriously high rating. On the surface it may seem like the standard mish-mash but there's something very special and different here kicking and screeching and determined to break through. In other words if you're like me and have spent the last year bitching about the government cheese that masquerades as cinema, go see SPLICE, it may cure your ills. As for me, I'm going to take a nap and inevitably dream of my poor cat covered in oil.

P.S. I think ADRIAN BRODY is in this movie too.

Name That Trauma :: Reader Corvid on an Anime Wedding

Posted on By aunt john

Hello to you good folks at Kindertrauma!

When I was young and glued to every T.V. cartoon I could find (this would be the early ‘90s), I saw an anime fantasy film that stuck in my brain. I have never been able to identify it, and I was hoping that you or your readers might be able to help me. Unfortunately I am not sure when the anime itself was made – it may have been from the ‘80s or early ‘90s, probably not earlier than the early ‘80s.

I am also not sure what American channel it aired on (I watched Disney, Nickelodeon, and Cartoon Network, among others). The protagonists were two kids, a boy and a girl, and I believe both were blond. The girl gets kidnapped by a witch and her son (?, or a prince-like character that the witch creates). Actually, it may have been an evil sorcerer, I can't remember the gender! Anyway, there are two scenes that I remember:

1.) The evil prince hypnotizes the young girl into a zombie-like state in order to force her to marry him. In the middle of the wedding ceremony, the boy hero bursts in to stop it. The church doors open to reveal that all the pews are filled with paper cut-outs instead of people, and even the priest is a paper cut-out. When the boy yells at the girl to snap out of it, all the paper cut-outs crumple and flutter to the floor. The boy still can't get the girl to snap out of it – he even grabs her and shakes her.

2.) At the end, the boy hero faces the evil witch/sorcerer. They are on opposite corners of a huge, floating chessboard way up in the air, and the chessboard tips and rocks like a ship. I think the girl is still hypnotized, but once the boy defeats the witch, she wakes up.

I hope someone out there can help me figure this out! By the way, people have suggested the UNICO series as a possible candidate, but it is definitely not from any UNICO film I've seen (despite the giant chessboard and evil witch/sorcerer).

Thanks,

— Corvid

UPDATE: NAME THAT TRAUMA SOLVED! SENSKI is back y'all and he is in on F-I-R-E! Kudos to him for realizing that Corvid was referring to the 1974 Japanese version of JACK & THE BEANSTALK.

Kindertrauma Thinghouse

Posted on By unkle lancifer

UNK SEZ: The comments are off today so that we can partake in a super THING contest! There are 11 images from your favorite movie and mine, JOHN CARPENTER'S THE THING below. Can you put them in the correct order that they occurred in the movie? Whoever gets the most right the fastest will be dubbed THE THING and will win a box of kindertrauma surprises including a multitude of comic books (including I, ZOMBIE and AMERICAN VAMPIRE), DVDs and whatever else we can cram in there.

I'll get you started, picture 11 (the one with the spaceship) comes first so 11=1! Can you do the next ten correctly? Are you THE THING? Good Luck kiddies! Email your answers to kindertrauma@gmail.com!

Name That Trauma :: Reader Annie R. on "NOT THE EXORCIST!"

Posted on By aunt john

I've got one for you. This has been bugging the shit out of me for years. Back in the late ‘70s/early ‘80s, I caught the ass-end of a movie on T.V. Its plot – as far as I was able to tell – concerned a young girl, around the age of twelve. I only remember two scenes. The first depicted said young girl sitting in front of a television, watching what seemed to be a vintage Atari game and talking to her mother. At one point, she asks her mother for a hug. Her back has been turned against both her mother and the viewer throughout the entire scene, but when she turns for her hug she suddenly and quite violently launches herself at her mom, her face now demonic and ugly.

The second scene was the films end and featured the same young girl – her head now shaved and her face back to normal – hugging a guy who looked like Jesus (no I'm not kidding) whilst someone can be heard saying: "She thought we were going to hurt her" or something to that effect.

The film admittedly had an EXORCIST-rip-off feel to it, but was definitely NOT THE EXORCIST. It seemed to have a sci-fi slant to it, although I could be wrong – it was thirty some years ago, after all.

Any idea what the hell it was I saw?

UPDATE: NAME THAT TRAUMA SOLVED! Special thanks to reader Billy V for putting a toe tag on this one with THE VISITOR!

Name That Trauma :: Reader Dylan Donnie-Duke Dali Lama on a Hit & Run Hound

Posted on By aunt john

Kinderpals,

I have a Name That Trauma and if anyone can help me to find the title I can promise him/her riches beyond imagining! (Which is tragic as they will need to imagine them as I am broke.)

Okay, a possibly made-for-T.V. movie with a GIL GERARD-ish-type male lead. Said male lead gets into a pissing match with a gang of untamed youth.

Traumatic scene:

Untamed youth lure the guy's St. Bernard out into the street and play catch with him while one of their friends plows pell-mell towards the dog in a car. They leave the dog's crumpled corpse on the male lead's front porch where he finds it and cries into its fur.

I had forgotten this until we adopted Homer, a St. Bernard, then it all came flooding back. He was most distressed when I told him about, but said that he felt strangely compelled to see it. So, to satisfy his want for canine horror, I really need to figure this out.

Thanks,

Dylan Donnie-Duke Dali Lama

UPDATE: NAME THAT TRAUMA SOLVED! Let's all give a big KINDERTRAUMA salute and welcome back hug to SENSKI who came out of hibernation today and solved this one with 1973's OUTRAGE! (We love you SENSKI!)

Traumafessions :: Reader Bluegrasslass on Sapphire & Steel

Posted on By aunt john

Growing up in England the ‘70s-‘80s I was very (un?)lucky to witness many scary moments on TV, but one that always comes up in discussions is SAPPHIRE & STEEL starring DAVID McCALLUM as Steel and JOANNA LUMLEY as Sapphire – a pair of psychic-sci-fi detectives, who would turn up in odd places where strange things had happened. They were usually shown in 2 or 3 parts, and always left you on a creepy cliffhanger – after which I would be sent to bed to terrify myself wondering WHAT was going on!

The two that stuck in my mind were: A couple are downstairs whilst a little baby is in its crib, something happens and the baby turns into grown man! That part ended with a bare leg stepping over the side of the crib and the foot standing on the rug in close-up (I know it doesn't sound that scary, but the atmosphere was so WEIRD and I had no clue as to what it was all about); the second one that freaked me out involved a man walking down a staircase who turns to camera to show he has no face!! Brrrrr … that one still gives me the chills.

Luckily for me, the entire set of series 1 and 2 is available on DVD (Region 1, but fortunately I have a universal DVD player). And as my husband and I sat down to watch the first episode (he having equally scary memories about different parts of the show), Assignment 1, I was gratified to find that it STILL creeps me out and I STILL have no idea what's going on – even the theme tune scares me!

Watch the opening of Assignment 1 HERE (nursery rhymes will never be the same again)!

Dancing With The Devil's Rejects

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hey look it's THE DEVIL'S REJECTS the lone ROB ZOMBIE movie you're allowed to like without fear of being ostracized or spat upon! Naturally it's my least favorite of his output on account of I'm trying to be difficult. I think I'd agree that REJECTS is ZOMBIE's most technically efficient film but I've got personal reasons to find it a slightly arduous viewing experience.

First of all, I originally saw it with a friend of mine who is now dead and secondly I really have a hard time watching PRISCILLA BARNES being psychologically tortured. No, I didn't like it when Jack and Larry humiliated poor Terry in the THREE'S COMPANY season six episode "Jack Bares All." And I don't like it any better here. Don't you realize that I love PRISCILLA BARNES and want no harm to come to her? Anybody but P.B.! I wouldn't mind if it was JOYCE DeWITT who was humiliated. Hell, the Firefly family could use her as a combination footstool-human ashtray for all I'd care. As far as I'm concerned that little rat showed her true colors in the classic THREE'S COMPANY season six episode "Janet wigs out"!

Now I said THE DEVIL'S REJECTS was not my favorite ROB ZOMBIE movie but did you know that because I LOVE all of his movies that it is still super excellent in my book? "Urban Plowboy" may not be my favorite season six episode of THREE'S COMPANY but that doesn't make it any less awesome. I just have kind of a hard time relaxing and enjoying myself while I watch THE DEVIL'S REJECTS. I feel like some scary drunk person is putting his arm across my shoulder and laughing all up in my face and I can't tell if it's a genuine laugh or the crazy laugh of someone who is about to punch me in my scooter pie hole. The other night while watching T.D.R., I noticed that my arms were tightly crossed in front of my chest for half of the movie. I don't trust these guys but they fascinate me. I'd like to invite them in but I'm afraid they'll smash my Hummel collection.

One thing that I like about ZOMBIE's movies is the fact that he likes to screw around with the idea of "good guys" and "bad guys" and that there's no morality net. One can accuse him of stripping away the magical supernatural element from HALLOWEEN but I think what stings more is that the notion of order in the universe is kicked to the curb too. Suddenly things are not going to go a character's way just because they play nice and that's a hard pill for viewers to swallow. It pretty much goes against everything we are raised to believe. In fact, civilized society kind of relies on people buying into the idea that if they behave they will be rewarded with safety. What ZOMBIE usually ends up with is an arena uncomfortably like the reality we're unwilling to face: random, justice free and dog eat dog, everything I go to the movies to escape. It's not pleasant but I find it strangely exhilarating all the same, like a citywide anarchy baiting blackout.

BOB-ZOB's gotta lotta nerve if he wants me to hook my cart to the insane, murderous, despicable Firefly family and yet I find that, against my better judgment, I do. How is that possible? It should take more then a few minutes worth of too cute dialogue about tutti-fruity ice cream to get me to snuggle up to these sicko characters. Yet there I go strapping on my tin man outfit to stroll down the blood stained yellow brick road with cackling, Dorothy-witch Baby, scary blasphemous scarecrow Otis and rolly-polly repugnant lion, Captain Spalding. What's my dealio? Even the unsinkable E.G. DAILY gets shot in the forehead after hanging out with these ruffians, why am I here?

Here's the thing, as an adult I understand that what I'm watching is fiction, that the atrocities and the murders shown are not real. What does read as "real" to me are the feelings expressed throughout the rest of the film, the longing for freedom and the commitment to life outside of the tunnel vision of our culture. That's what I find seductive and that's what I take a way. Watching BONNIE AND CLIDE as a kid, BADLANDS as a teen, THELMA AND LOUISE as a young adult and NATURAL BORN KILLERS as a less than young adult, I felt the same pull. I'm not justifying the actions of any of the wanted individuals in the movies mentioned but I can't help smelling the fact that they all wear the same cologne, "eau de fuck you!" I love that scent!

By rights I should be siding with Sheriff Wydell (WILLIAM FORSYTHE) who is on a mission to avenge his brother's death at the hands of the trifling trio. If anyone besides ZOMBIE was orchestrating this show, I'm sure that would be the case but…no. I can't help noticing that Wydell is just as vicious but half as fun. He's a monster too but he finds no joy in being a monster, He's a monster who thinks he's better than monsters, by God, I think he's a tool! That may be more of an emotional assessment than a rational one but that's why I'm here. Am I crazy to want to feel things when I watch a movie, to be pushed out of my comfort zone a bit, to want to experience things without harm that I would not like to experience in life? I take this trip with these psychos because a part of me luxuriates in how much they don't give a shit what you think. Personally, I probably worry too much about stepping on toes so a couple hundred f-bombs tend to let the sun shine in like bullet holes in metal siding.

I try to understand why the end of THE DEVIL'S REJECTS is so moving to me but the reasons I suppose, are infinity pronged. It's sad really, our little monster toys have gone as far as they've been wound to. We are shown snapshots of the psychos in happier times and it's almost insulting all things considered but it falls into the borderline embarrassing sentimentality puddle that R.Z. likes to splash in so I'm sold.

As screwed up as these people are they have forged their own family. They choose to die guns blazing rather than give in to the established order. There is acceptance among the unacceptable and good for them. There are some bonds made in life that will never be understood or accepted by others and it's important to know that they can't be destroyed by others either. Maybe I'll never be able to fully understand my sympathy for these devils but I feel it just the same. Remember, polite society frowned upon Jack, Janet and Terry's lifestyle choice too ya know!

(If you think about it, so much of the horror genre's power hinges on the viewers ability to accept and identify with antiheroes and outcasts. You're only watching half of FRANKENSTEIN if you view the creature as simply a beast and you're missing out on a lot of DRACULA if you are not taken in by the Count's charm.)

I'm sure there are some folks who can hear LYNYRD SKYNYRD's "Freebird" and remain unmoved. Such people should be avoided like the oil spills they are. For me that song will now forever be permanently linked in my head with my poor dead friend just like THE REJECTS always will be. I wonder if my late pal (who bore an uncanny resemblance to RICHARD KLINE) would have lasted longer in this world if rather than trying to force his square peg into a round hole, he had allowed a little violence and vitriol into his heart; ("Take a step that is new…"), I guess I'll never know.

I do know that with THE DEVIL'S REJECTS, ZOMBIE set aflame any and all previous ideas about what a sequel could be and where it could go and that alone recommends it. (It's not everyday you see a neon splatterfest transformed into a dusty road movie after all and ultimately T.D.R. does stand alone.) I guess I come and dance on Baby, Otis and Spaulding's floor because as reprehensible as they may be, I still secretly hope that they'll live and any movie that can leave me feeling the exact opposite of the way I'd expect to can come and knock on my door anytime it wants to.

NOTE: One of the all time best endings to a movie EVER can be found HERE