kindertrauma

Year: 2010

Alice In Wonderland (2010)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Maybe it's just beyond the capabilities of mankind to produce a truly faithful film adaptation of LEWIS CARROLL's phantasmic nonsense dispenser ALICE IN WONDERLAND. Many have tried and many have failed. At best you usually end up with something that resembles a very long Ronald McDonaldland commercial and at worst you find yourself confronted by the never should be spoken in the same breath talents of SHERMAN HEMSLEY and CAROL CHANNING. You'd think that marrying director TIM BURTON to the material would be the perfect solution but then you remember that BURTON is a "genius" which is code for, "no longer has the ability to self-edit." I've always thought that the best, most faithful realization of CARROLL's vision could be found in the inserts created by JIM HENSON for the underappreciated 1985 film DREAMCHILD and really, the new DISNEY doused incarnation of Wonderland does little to challenge my theory.

As much as BURTON can be relied upon to deliver impressive visuals, you can also bet on the fact that the story is going to be as directionless as a windup toy and that he will inject at least one scene that is off the charts embarrassing (can you say victory break dance?) 2010's ALICE IN WONDERLAND is at times, splendid to behold but the constant clashing of styles, tone, texture and perspective can be headache inducing as well. For me, the lush, organic exteriors worked the best, whereas the more synthetic looking interiors held no weight at all. There is some beautiful stuff to take in for sure but at some point I do believe my eyeballs just started feeling queasy. You know there's a problem if you start entertaining the idea of shoving Alka-Seltzer tablets into your retinas. Between you and me though, as tacky as the Spencer's gift shop aesthetic can sometimes be, I'd be lying if I didn't at times think that the film would be fun to watch with my long lost college girlfriend Mary Jane.

Operating for the most part as an unofficial sequel, ALICE finds our once curiouser and curiouser moppet about to potentially loose herself to a loveless marriage at the age of 19. (Alice is played by the pretty and pouty MIA WASIKOWSKA…hey, didn't KATHLEEN TURNER star in a movie about her once?) Props are deserved for the all too rare, girl-power message. Alice gets the chance to yield a sword and slay a dragon (or Jabberwocky) and rather than simply let that stand as a physical act of strength, it's also made clear that she is fighting to keep her imagination and sense of self alive. I just wish that theme could have been better sewn throughout the entire tale rather than just cushioning the beginning and ending like a pair of fluffy earmuffs. Instead, the force fed creamy center of this tasty cake is plagued by a backlash-baiting JOHNNY DEPP whose Mad Hatter character seems hell bent on claiming the spotlight as his own. JOHNNY is yet another "genius" who needs to get a grip. His performance is so uneven and inconsistent that you get the idea that he approached the role based on passing daily whims. (Sorry, but DEPP's "work" in ALICE makes his MARY TYLER WONKA routine seem understated and controlled.)

On the hit-the-nail-on-the-head front, ALAN RICKMAN, as the blue caterpillar, is spot on, STEPHEN FRY as the Cheshire Cat is a welcome relief whenever he materializes and LITTLE BRITAIN's MATT LUCAS makes an equally convincing Tweedledee as he does a Tweedledum. I have to say though, how dare anyone cast CRISPIN GLOVER in an ALICE IN WONDERLAND film and not give HIM the part of the Mad Hatter? What kinda hooka smoke makes you do that? I know DEPP is a major selling point but c'mon BURTON and DISNEY, you can afford to take a hit to the wallet for the sake of art every once in a while. In addition I'd just like to add, and I don't mean to sound rude here, I think HELENA BONAM CARTER is seriously one of the most beautiful women who has ever graced the Earth but does she really need that much CGI help in the big head department? Not from where I'm standing.

I guess if I had kids I would probably drag them to see this; regardless, it's not the worst movie ever made, it just happens to play like a mixed tape of over worked KIDZ BOP cover songs. I suppose I should give BURTON credit for playing against his darker more gothic instincts but when the alternative is so loud and Easter pastel garish, I'm not so sure. This is your fault JIM HENSON, you should have gone to the doctor's for regular check-ups! That way, both ALICE and I may have someday gotten the movie we deserved.

NOTE: Rather than check out the overseen trailer for BURTON's film, let's take a look at some of Alice's earlier trips down the rabbit hole. Some work better than others but they are all, as they should be, very kindertraumatic.

TIP: The above video has no sound so play it simultaneously with the music video below (you might need to play the music video twice as it's shorter) and remember: feed your head!

Name That Trauma :: Reader Brooke on a Disfigured Dame

Posted on By aunt john

In the early '80s in Long Island, NY channel 11 used to have Saturday Matinee Theatre where they showed B-horror movies probably from the '70s on. I have a horrific memory of a long-haired brunette wearing a green dress walking towards the camera. Her face was somehow disfigured (melting?) and she had a robotic-like voice. Based on this small description, no one has been able to help me figure out what this movie is. If someone can crack this mystery, I'd be ever indebted.

Thank you,

Brooke

UPDATE: NAME THAT TRAUMA SOLVED! Special thanks to stavner for stepping it up with THE MONSTER CLUB (& FatherOfTears for finding the clips)!

UNSOLVED TRAUMA: Does anyone happen to know this one from Liam?

Name That Trauma :: Reader Chad on a Creepy Clown on the Side of the Road

Posted on By aunt john

Hi there!

My name is Chad and I was just admiring kindertrauma very much. I have been looking for a horror movie that has haunted me since my video store renting childhood. I've forgotten the name of it, and with the decline of VHS it is getting harder and harder to solve the mystery. I can only give a few details that I remember (vaguely) and if anything rings a bell, I would be much appreciative to hear back from you.

The movie came out in the late ‘80s, possibly very early ‘90s. It involves teenagers driving through a strange small town. There is a brief, and virtually unnecessary appearance of a clown on the side of the road, holding up a sign that reads something along the lines of: "YOU'RE GOING TO DIE" which one of the teens reads out loud and queries: "That's strange." The clown and the sign are also on the box art, which is one of the few things I remember about the physical video box.

I also remember a few sleazy scenes, including an old stripper who gets groped by two old patrons. Also it is eluded that one of the teens has a physically romantic moment with a freshly murdered teenage body in a bathtub off-screen.

I apologize for not giving much to work on, plot wise, for I barely remember the point of the movie deep in the abyss of horror videos I viewed before hitting puberty. But I can guess, judging from what I do know is that the town is full of old people who murder young passersbys for whatever reason.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and if you can think of a title that resembles this I would love to hear back from you!

Sincerely,

Chad


UPDATE: NAME THAT TRAUMA SOLVED! Special thanks to reader craig for knowing that the clown in question is from THE AMERICAN SCREAM.

Traumafessions :: Reader Jodi on HBO's "The Hitchhiker"

Posted on By aunt john

Our family was fortunate enough to have HBO in the early ‘80s, but as a sheltered little girl I was never allowed to watch it past 7:00 pm, for that was when the BAAAAAD stuff started, like a showing of FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH. However, on weekends, I could sneak in some late night programming, sometimes as late as 9:00!

One show that I was forbidden to watch was called THE HITCHHIKER, a half-hour thriller series that featured a vagabond host before and after each episode (think Crypt Keeper, but cute). I don't really know much about the series to this day except that it had violence, sex, and cursing on a much more hardcore level than the prime-time "A-TEAM" crap that I was used to.

I freaked out easily as a kid, but I also had a morbid curiosity, so I'd try to watch this adult program, only to have my Mom send me to bed forthwith. Only once did I *almost* make it through an entire episode, an episode that I remember to this day, but could not tell you the name. My memory's a little fuzzy, but I distinctly remember two criminals, one violent and mean, one reluctant and soft, breaking into a family's house late in the evening. The family was a Mom and Dad, a teenage daughter, and a little boy.

As I recall, the really bad guy proceeded to take hostage and terrorize this poor family, while the softer guy wanted to leave them alone and (I think) teamed up with the daughter to get rid of the bad guy. This episode really terrified me, as I'd never before seen a grown man threaten to murder a little boy or such violence shown toward people who did absolutely nothing wrong. Like I said, I didn't finish the episode, because my Mom made me go to bed, but I could still hear the show loud and clear from my bedroom.

So I'm lying there under the covers trembling as I hear yelling and gunshots, and I run from my bedroom to the living room because I HAD to see what happened. Sure enough, the bad guy had blown away the whole family and there was blood all over the walls. I believe it turned out the girl had actually lived, but whatever! That vision of the blood on the walls and hearing the bad guy's friend begging him not to kill the family has haunted me ever since.

I hope you guys can help me out with the name of the episode. I'd like to watch it again to see if it was really THAT bad.

-Jodi

AUNT JOHN SEZ: Jodi, fortunately for you I am all too familiar with the painted on dungarees of PAGE FLETCHER, the second actor to raise his thumb in the air as the titular host of this, dare I say, adult-themed anthology series. (Admittedly, it's pretty tame by contemporary standards, but back then… HUBBA-HUBBA!) The show you are talking about is the fifth episode of the fourth season, and it's called "Homebodies":

P.S.: For fans of drifters with tousled hair in way too tight jeans, THE HITCHHIKER, in its entirety, is streaming on HULU.

The Crazies (2010)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

There are more than a couple highly effective suspense scenes in BRECK EISNER's remake of GEORGE ROMERO's 1973 cult film THE CRAZIES (kudos to EISNER for milking a car wash clash for everything it's worth.). Rather than spewing out the usual over bloated, trying too hard, twelve-inch dance mix of its source material, 2010's THE CRAZIES keeps it eye upon characterization and delivers an astute, mid-tempo horror excursion that's easy to find yourself wrapped up in. It may not blow you out of the back of theater, but frankly I prefer my apocalypses in a teacup.

First thing's first, make sure you don't confuse THE CRAZIES with that elder ROMERO redo, 2005's DAWN OF THE DEAD; it may be wearing some of that sibling's hand me downs (for example, a perfect fit JOHNNY CASH opening track), but it's got a disposition all its own. THE CRAZIES never quite hits the same delicious zeniths of that barn burner but it never quite hits the same head scratching lows either (I guess I'll never get over the scene in DAWN, where the uninfected mall bound group allows an obviously ready to turn zombie woman in a wheel barrow into their ranks!) Really, the titular "Crazies," once friends and neighbors who've now lost all rationality, have more in common with alien invasion pod people than the supernatural undead. On the other hand, these guys certainly mean to do more than just stare at you blankly. Well, that suits me fine, loss of identity is yesterday's concern; loss of morality is so very today.

There is a beautiful eye of the storm moment mid way through the movie where committed to order town sheriff David Dutton (TIMOTHY OLYPHANT) and committed to heal town doctor Judy Dutton (RADHA marry me MITCHELL) return to their home for a brief period after their world has been turned upside down. Judy begins absent-mindedly taking down the laundry she had put out to dry earlier that day and then catches the pointlessness of her actions. The peaceful life that the Duttons had planned for the child they are soon expecting is now an impossibility. The insanity of the outside world, the dehumanizing cattle prodding military, the vicious, violence mongering good ol' boys, the mentally unstable school faculty et al. cannot be kept off the lawn. The American small town and its virtues are now officially dead and every picket fence is pushing up daisies, insanity reigns. I have to wonder how many expecting parents in real life have felt essentially the same thing.

"Don't ask me why I can't leave without my wife and I won't ask you why you can." Regardless of the impression you might get from the heavy-handed promotion, this is some pretty thoughtful stuff. Sure the military are sort of ill represented but that's kind of the point. I caught THE CRAZIES on several occasions avoiding the easy route to its destination. When Dutton's deputy Russell (JOE ANDERSON) begins to show signs of mental deterioration, rather than paint a soulless monster, we get a glimpse of his realization that he won't be seeing the closing credits. "I'm not right am I?," he asks. When his fears are confirmed he then pleads ,"Can I walk with you just a little more?"( or something to that effect.) Hey, there's something in your Unk's eyes,…gimme a sec.

Perhaps THE CRAZIES is the perfect bookend to the aforementioned DAWN OF THE DEAD. Whereas that film inadvertently expressed our fears of the world turning to chaos, THE CRAZIES wonders what's left in the post chaos world. (Duck and cover SPOILER explosion!) One casualty is clear and that is the simple life. We are left with the image of our heroes (Judy is even clad in an I heart Iowa sweater) being forced toward a city skyline after their beloved town and dream future are literally bombed off the face of the earth. No, you can't keep the madness out kids, even in Mayberry they're "Keeping up with the Kardashians."

Traumafessions :: Reader Chris Nigro on Curse of Bigfoot

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Greetings, Unk and Aunt.

I have one major childhood trauma that I will never forget involving something I saw on the T.V. It was during the 1970s, before we imagined that anything like VCRs or DVDs awaited us in the future, and we were at the complete, horrid mercy of the networks to see any movie, and if we missed it then, it may have been a year or longer before we had the opportunity to see whatever neat little offering we missed again.

Anyway, I have been a fan of horror cinema for as long as I can remember, and also the fan of supposed real life monsters like Bigfoot. So I was thrilled when I checked the TV GUIDE and found out that a movie called CURSE OF BIGFOOT was going to be aired on T.V. that afternoon. This weird and somewhat demented little gem of a film that attempts to cash in on a real-life legend is more than worth the effort of finding on video for aficionados of the more bizarre horror films. The fun–and the major trauma–started (I kid you not) in the prologue before the opening credits!

I remember expecting this movie to do the usual and wait until the second half of the film to show a clear shot of the titular monster, but this particular prologue was an exception to this often tantalizing rule that ended up making me feel unhappy rather than thrilled. Not only did this opening sequence feature a genuinely creepy voice-over by some invisible narrator describing this alleged prehistoric hominid horror in a way that truly chilled my bones (he said the creature was "more beast than man…", or something like that), but within just several seconds we are suddenly treated to a long shot of the full creature, where the beast-man quickly proceeds to walk straight up to the camera so that we get a very uncomfortable–and bone-chilling–close-up shot of its truly hideous face!

Its wicked scream as it approached the camera was almost as bad as its madness-inducing countenance. And if that wasn't enough, immediately afterwards we saw a totally unnecessary but no less horrifying scene of the creature's forearm and hand up against a huge rock or some sort of solid object with pools of blood pouring down from it.

That was just too much for me, and I quickly ran in the kitchen where a few adult family members were hanging out. That opening sequence of a memorable little B-film from the 1960s provided me with a major childhood trauma, and it did so in what amounted to less than two minutes of screen time in the prologue sequence, no less. Is that a new record for a film-induced trauma?

–Chris Nigro

UNK SEZ: Thanks Chris, for the great traumafession! Maybe you should count your blessings that you dropped out of CURSE OF BIGFOOT when you did because after that opening, it's all down hill from there! In fact, the second half of the movie, if I recall correctly, recycles footage from an earlier film entitled TEENAGERS BATTLE THE THING (1958). That alone wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that T.B.T.T. has nothing to do with our pal Bigfoot at all and instead involves an ancient ape mummy!

Also Chris thanks for informing us about your two traum-tastic websites!

Kids, check out all the coolness that Chris has been up to; one of his websites is a personal homage to Godzilla called THE GODZILLA SAGA, and the other is called THE WARRENVERSE. It concerns those awesome old magazines like EERIE and CREEPY and you can find that one HERE. Make sure you visit both!

Traumafessions :: Reader Jenn L. on Tourist Trap

Posted on By aunt john

Since 1979, the horrific image of a half-psycho/half-mannequin, knife-wielding maniac from TOURIST TRAP has repeatedly appeared in my dreams. I was forced to watch this movie as a five-year-old by my older brother and his pals. They decided their plot to scare themselves silly would be foiled if I ran screaming out of the room crying to my mommy. So, they blocked the door, plopped me down right in front of the T.V., and proceeded to induce a deep-seeded fear of inanimate clothing models with removable limbs and bad hair-dos.

I've always loved horror movies, but I've never been brave enough to figure out the name of the first one that sliced and diced its way into the very depths of my subconscious. I've so enjoyed the stories of fellow Kindertrauma readers that I've had to take a deep breath, google "mannequin horror," and finally put a name to the face that continues to haunt my dreams! Thanks Kindertrauma!

Name That Trauma :: Reader Ashley M. on Upchucking Aliens

Posted on By aunt john

Hey. I just recently remembered a book from my childhood that I was looking to put to rest. It was a picture book about these aliens who come to earth. I really have no idea why, but either all the kids or all the aliens started throwing up, and there was a full color illustration of either kids or aliens/monsters or both) puking. My mom was so upset by it that she had to talk to a librarian about it. I really want to know if anybody remembers this book (and can tell me why everybody was puking). I read it in '96/'97.


UPDATE: NAME THAT TRAUMA SOLVED! Special thanks to commenter fragileguilt for throwing up the title HERE COME THE ALIENS!