Month: March 2011
Traumafessions :: Reader Laura from Michigan on Dolls
Hi guys, I love this site! OK, here is my traumafession…
When I was a kid, I went to my friend Michelle's sleepover birthday party. At the party, we watched CARRIE (also traumatic!), and this other movie called DOLLS. This movie was from 1987, and the plot went something like…. Strangers get stranded because of a storm or something, and all end up at the house of a creepy dollmaker. Once they all go to bed, the dolls come to life and kill them one by one. Terrifying, but it got worse!
That night at the sleepover I was lying awake, scared out of my mind that I was going to be chopped to bits by dolls, when I heard what sounded like little, high-pitched voices. I also died right then, but then I remembered…Michelle has cats! Phew. The next morning, when I recounted this to my friends, Michelle said, "But the cats were outside!"
As if this wasn't enough to cement my life-long terror of dolls, a week or so later I was asleep in my own bed, when I suddenly woke up because something had fallen on my pillow. I opened my eyes and…it was my SPANISH DANCING DOLL, which had fallen off the shelf above my bed. I hurled that sucker across the room, and the next day, I begged my mother to box up all the dolls in my bedroom and put them away.
I'm an adult with my own little girls now, and even THEIR dolls creep me out!
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest, Kindertrauma!
— Laura from Michigan
Name That Trauma :: Reader Cathy I. on a Terrible Totem
Hi! I have one for 'ya. It was the mid-'80s and I was with my parents visiting some of their friends. Not sure who they were or even what state we were in. My parents' friends turned this video on and from what I recall, it was a short film that they said was filmed in the very house we were visiting. I remember my parents' friends saying they had to leave their house for three days so the film could be made. So this leaves me wondering if it was somebody's project in school or if it was a short film for T.V., or what?? Everyone was very impressed, that's all remember.
The basic plot is there is this statue of a totem, or a god or demon something, maybe about a foot high. Someone brings it in the house and now the house is cursed. No one suspects the statue. Strange things start happening. The only thing I remember is something like THE BLOB, where this green or black gunk starts sliming and oozing its way down the carpeted stairs, freaking everyone out, getting stuck on everything, causing horror. This stuff is evil! Eventually they figure out the statue has cursed the house, but only after much damage was done. Perhaps the inhabitants all die or they move away or something. The last shot is of garbage day. You see the garbage from the cursed house on the side of the road waiting to be picked up – INCLUDING THE EVIL STATUE! The garbage man comes by and throws the obvious junk into the truck but picks up the statue and makes an expression like he thinks it's pretty cool and he puts it in the cab with him so he can take it home. The end.
Did I dream this up? Anyone?
Thanks,
— Cathy
The Hunger (1983)
I totally relate to Miriam Blaylock (CATHERINE DENEUVE) in THE HUNGER. How many times has someone told me that they will love me "forever" only to transform into something resembling the contents of an ashtray a mere 200 years later? Speaking of ashtrays, if you're trying to quit smoking (or Venetian blinds for that matter) I advise you stay well away from TONY (brother to ALIEN mega-genius RIDLEY) SCOTT's neo-noir, gothadelic new wave eye-sorbet rendering of WHITLEY STRIEBER's novel of the same tag. On the other hand, if you are a fang-fan who has never stuck their teeth into this influential a-vamp-garde chic-er-than-thou milestone then take a gander in the mirror at a life half lived.
When it was released in 1983 the brain dead zombie critic chant was, "Style over substance"! Seriously, I just read a slew of reviews for this classic and nine out of ten drop the exact same go-to complaint. Lazy viewers! If a film is kind enough to ladle out the "style" then the least you can do is bring your own "substance." Just because a movie is drop dead gorgeous doesn't mean it's empty headed. C'mon, this is one of the few vamp movies that actually dives into a major source of the lasting power of the undead mythos, the universal fear of mortality and liver spots. If you want to say it kind of falls apart at the end, I'll back you up on that but time has proven that this baby's bite leaves a legit mark.
As much as I'll admit that the films final chapter is a tinge too dry and flaky (blame the crunchy past-love corpses!) THE HUNGER's divinely aggressive opening is one of the most fantastic and instantly enthralling I can think of, so let's not be greedy. If you are not instantly snookered by BAUHAUS' severely apropos BELA LUGOSI'S DEAD then you too must be a dried husk in a coffin waiting for oblivion to commence and that's coming from somebody with no black clothing in his wardrobe. It's not just the song itself, but the way the film thunders back and forth between the tune, the titles and the revving action and synth-sorcerous sounds of the film… OK, I admit I used to play this opening bit on VHS over and over again and now every beat of it is branded into my brain…
Much slobbery attention has been given to the semi-sappy Sapphic love scene between CATHERINE DENEVUE and SUSAN SARANDON and it is attention well earned. Anyone can present a cinematic montage that pushes the validity of a homosexual union but this assemblage of images presses the feared superiority of one. Y'all can keep your FROM HERE TO ETERNITY and the sand in the cracks it implies; if you're not hearing "lakme" while you're sealing the deal you're doing it wrong. I know it's "artsy fartsy" and therefore threatening to knuckle draggers and mouth breathers everywhere but it's also lusciously transcendent. I say kick RICHARD GERE off the fire escape, if any genre is brave enough to venture into the romantically sublime, my money will always be on horror and THE HUNGER is my proof that I'm backing the right pony.
Personally my pet favorite scene involves noted gender annihilator DAVID BOWIE enacting an episode from everybody's life in a doctor's waiting room. Realizing the old gray mare just ain't what she used to be and she ain't what she used to be at an alarming rate, he seeks out the advice of accelerated decrepitude specialist Dr. Sarah Roberts (SARANDON…and yes that was a BLADE RUNNER shout out! He ain't heavy, he's my RIDLEY!). Magazines are their usual zero help as the clock ticks and he is hit over and over again on the head with DICK SMITH's famous LITTLE BIG MAN stick. The set up is excruciatingly familiar yet horrifically exaggerated and there's a vaguely comic, "It's funny because it's true" element as well. Oh TONY SCOTT you were so very good when you tried to replicate your brother RIDLEY! I usually recommend that artists find their own voice but in your case I'll make an exception. (OK, that wasn't necessary,, but it will surprise no one that I have no use for TOP GUN.)
I love THE HUNGER, smoky SCOTT-isms and RIDLEY-aping aside, it ultimately stands as its own sleek beast. It may loose some steam in its final lap but as it is only too happy to point out, don't we all. I have an inkling that it might be dated but as my head exists in 1982, it is actually one year in the future for me. There's style to burn for sure but behind the non-stop artifice and unlikely attic doves, I contend there's plenty of existential gristle to gnaw on and a time to pay the piper addiction parable too. Just because this sculpture wasn't carved with axe blows don't underestimate the boiled down bleakness to be found bubbling beneath the polished surface. Oldster BOWIE's bloodletting of a trusting, young gum-smacking sidekick is alarmingly vicious and disturbing and, conscious or not, the films screeching death-throe lab monkeys and post-tryst, flesh betrayal must have squeezed lemon juice on the then fresh rug-burn knowledge that cupid could carry a scythe. THE HUNGER is only speaking of the fleetingness of human life after all. Don't be fooled by a pretty face.
Name That Trauma :: Reader David F. on Drawn & Quartered in a Desert
Hey there,
Okay, here is the thing: I saw a film when I was about 9 or 10 that a cousin of mine found at the local video store. It's about a killer in the desert that goes after a group of youngsters (what killer doesn't?!?) but at one point the killer chains this guy to a tree and then places the other end of the chain on the tow of his truck. He then starts revving the engine furiously – to build suspense no doubt – until finally he roars away and of course rips the guy limb from limb.
Now, if I could explain to you sufficiently exactly how I felt when that camera focused on a ripped off leg (still covered in jeans) but with a nice shiny bone sticking out the one end, perhaps then you'd understand how greatly this scene upset me. In fact, it upset me so much that I spent the rest of my day worrying about one day becoming like that killer JUST because I had watched something like that!
Oh, the mind of a child!
My belief was such that if I saw something horrific then I might perhaps be just as screwed up as that psycho onscreen who did things like that to people! I don't know why I thought like that but it truly had me worried for a long time afterward.
Anyway, the problem is now (and I'm wondering if the team over at Kindertrauma can help me out?) because it scared me so much, I've obviously deleted as much about that movie from my memory as humanly possible… including the TITLE!!
Anyone know what this movie is called?
This movie (whatever it may be called!) is my childhood traumafession.
— David F.
UNK SEZ: Thanks David F. for delivering my favorite kind of traumafession, the kind that introduces me to a horror movie that I've never heard of before! I'm pretty sure that the movie you are looking for is called MIRAGE because I just watched a scene that fits your description precisely on YouTube (about 5 min. into this segment HERE!) From what I can tell this DUEL-esque, desert-set Australian slasher/thriller from 1990 is ultra rare so thanks a zillion for bringing it to all of our attention (even if by some chance it's not the right one!)
Stream Warriors: With Special Guest Host Tenebrous Kate!
UNK SEZ: We're lucky to have as guest host today the always amazing TENEBROUS KATE of the sensationally superior and awesomely eclectic LOVE TRAIN FOR THE TENEBROUS EMPIRE! You guys know KATE, she's been a favorite guest around these parts since back in the days when the Kindercastle was a mere lean-to! Ya'll listen to KATE's advice, I know I've already started work on her fine recommendations!
TENEBROUS KATE SEZ: One's movie diet should be approached in a similar fashion to one's diet-actual: strike a balance of sweet, savory, and nutritious in order to cultivate a healthy appreciation for all things cinematic. It's in this spirit that I've selected the following films. Also, it demonstrates that I have next to no respect for rules, since there are six titles here instead of the traditional three!
RED RIDING TRILOGY: 1974, 1980, 1983
These British crime dramas are as gritty, dark and captivating as they come. Spanning a decade of serial murder, police corruption, and political turmoil in England's northern countryside, the "Red Riding Trilogy" weaves in real-life events like the Yorkshire Ripper killings with fictional but entirely believable characters. This is chilling stuff that provides some tough commentary on the people who investigate and perpetrate crimes. The series earns bonus points for beautiful production values and artistic cinematography that enhance the noir-ish mood.
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000: POD PEOPLE
If you've watched all five hours of the "Red Riding, Trilogy" you're probably looking for a bit of a mood-lifter! What better way to wash away the gloom than with a good laugh at the foibles of low-budget sci-fi? The teevee show "Mystery Science Theater 3000" is controversial in cult-film circles since some folks feel that its snarky commentary track ruins the joy of exploring little-known genre films. I can see where the nay-sayers are coming from, but I will testify that some of these movies are almost unwatchable without Joel, Mike and the ‘Bots. My fave episode of the show is "Pod People," which features a Spanish-French "E.T." knock-off with a whiny child star, hillbilly poachers, an ALF-like alien creature, be-fringed 80s fashion and a wayward rock band stranded in the woods. If you don't laugh when Joel and his puppet companions sing "Idiot Control Now" to the tune of the movie's feature song, then I weep for your barren, stony heart.
BLOOD FOR DRACULA & FLESH FOR FRANKENSTEIN
While not related by the traditional movie-sequel relationship, "Blood for Dracula" and"Flesh for Frankenstein" were made back-to-back by director Paul Morrissey and feature the same cast members. Often mis-attributed to financier Andy Warhol, these are the most off-the-wall, graphic, and witty versions of the classic monster tales you're likely to see. Genre vet Udo Kier stars as the titular villain of both films, delivering outrageous and semi-improvised performances as the vampire and the mad scientist. The heavy in both films is a muscular, virile working-class character played by Joe Dallesandro, who has one of the thickest Noo Yawk accents recorded on film, making his turns as Mittel European farm-hunks even more unlikely. Look close enough and you'll find some clever political subtext about class, wealth, and culture—or ignore all that and enjoy the infinitely quotable, blood-soaked mayhem. And just in case you question the art pedigree of these movies, keep your eyes peeled for a cameo by director Roman Polanski in "Blood for Dracula."
Traumafessions :: Reader Holly S. on Disco Frog
Hi there,
Just found your site a few day ago and LOVE it! I was inspired to look up something that disturbed me as a child. A SESAME STREET shorty called "Disco Frog." I ran screaming out of the room when this came on, and even asked the TV repair man if he could remove it from our T.V.!
Kindertrauma Funhouse :: Hosted by Craftypants Carol!
UNK SEZ: We've got some deliciously challenging screenshots today thanks to our devious pal CRAFTY CAROL of CRAFTYPANTS CAROL'S FANCY CRAFTY WORLD! Two of these are from horror parodies, so keep that in mind. Otherwise, good luck kiddies! You've got 12 chewy images to dine on today!
Drive Angry
I try to ignore box office reports. It's not as if they are any indication of quality and I know full well that my tastes don't match up with that of the general public's anyway. I say that not out of reverse snobbery, but as someone who has watched many a great movie fizzle and starve at the box office only to become everybody's BFF later. In any case, the fumes from DRIVE ANGRY's theatrical crash and burn were hard for me to ignore. The movie, by the fine folks who delivered me my pet fave slasher remake MY BLOODY VALENTINE, came in a pathetically lousy ninth place in its opening weekend and somehow shamefully behind a week-old BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE sequel. Ouch!
Because the movie involved cars I thought I might ignore it completely, but it's stunning failure ignited my vulture instincts. I knew I had to see DRIVE ANGRY partially to throw 12 dollars into the director and writer's hat out of respect for making me so happy with VALENTINE and partially because I wanted to perch and stare at it like one of those creepy death predicting hospital cats. Unsurprisingly I totally ended up enjoying the semi-insane movie as director PATRICK LUSSIER and writer TODD FARMER really do have a quality collaborative relationship going on and again, this is coming from somebody who thinks cars have ruined the world and should be replaced by moving sidewalks and jet-packs as soon as possible.
Some may think that a major factor in the movie's financial failure is the fact that audiences are frightened of being trapped in a theater with NICOLAS CAGE but have you seen BAD LIEUTENANT: PORT OF CALL-NEW ORLEANS? It's so damn good. I'm here to point the finger directly at the wishy-washy T.V. ad campaign that neglected to alert the proper audience to what was really going down in this flick. For some reason some goofy person decided to hide the fact that this movie involved a rampaging Satanic cult and that my friends is just dumb. Somebody should be fired immediately and his or her job should be handed to me. My Chauncey Gardiner insights could have saved millions of dollars. Nobody should ever be ashamed of rampaging Satanists and nobody should ever have to rely on my pity to get me to the theater!
Oh poor misunderstood DRIVE ANGRY, its schlocky charms and cheesy tomfoolery are easily misread as genuine hackneyed incompetence but it's clearly winking and nudging the audience about the joys of exploitation at every turn. Folks who suffer from 3-D fatigue should recognize that director LUSSIER uses the effect to enhance the action rather than as an empty garnish. He knows what he's doing and the end result expands the landscape rather than producing that dreaded cramped diorama effect. Writer FARMER has sculpted some wonderfully wacked-out characters too, characters that I'm sad the audience will unlikely have the chance to follow to further adventures. CAGE as Milton dips his rakish vengeance in paternal redemption; AMBER HEARD is a bucket of charm as the kick-ass waitress sick of waiting for life to start and WILLIAM FICHTNER nearly runs away with the entire film as "The Accountant," a scene-swiping soldier from hell. There's some TOM ATKINS too, maybe not enough to fill my gluttonous ATKINS diet, but every little bit helps.
I guess it's too late to rally and stop this Titanic from sinking. Lead balloon or not I'm destined to prefer DRIVE ANGRY to the films whose trailers preceded it which will undoubtedly all be much bigger hit$ even though most of them looked like intolerably boring GYLLENHAAL-infused INCEPTION retreads. I feel that it is my duty to tell you though that if you enjoy super trashy action or seventies era road movies or anything that remotely resembles the great RACE WITH THE DEVIL, you'll probably love this movie and if you want to see it properly with the ingrained 3-D effects intact then you have to do it quickly before it disappears. In the long run, box office success won't mean much as I believe the cream will always rise to the top but I doubt there will be much cream in our future if we don't support the filmmakers we enjoy now. The driving force of DRIVE ANGRY is its original offbeat Devil may-bite-me personality and it's a real shame that that was exactly the selling point left by the side of the road in its advertising campaign's attempt to appeal to a wider audience. Let this be a lesson to everyone; don't hide your rampaging Satanic-cult light under a bushel!
Traumafessions :: Kinderpal FilmFather on Tom & Jerry Short "Heavenly Puss"
Guys,
While it's true that many classic cartoon series of yesteryear are considered too violent, disturbing, politically incorrect, etc. by today's standards, none traumatized me more than the TOM & JERRY short "Heavenly Puss."
To summarize: While chasing Jerry, Tom gets killed by an upright piano, goes to Heaven, and is told by a feline St. Peter (here a reservations taker for the "Heavenly Express") that Tom can't get into Heaven because he spent all his time tormenting Jerry.
However, if Tom can get Jerry to sign a "Certificate of Forgiveness" before the Heavenly Express departs in one hour, he'll be let in. Otherwise, he'll BURN IN HELL and suffer the torments of Satan (in the form of a grimacing, cackling bulldog).
More than 30 years after first seeing this, I still get tense as Tom's time is running out and he can't convince Jerry to sign the paper. Oh God…the scene where the train's departing and Tom's frantically trying to explain to Jerry what he needs…then the pen doesn't work!…then as Tom runs up the stairs at the very last second, the stairs disappear and he plummets into Hell, directly into the bubbling cauldron of Beelze-Bulldog, who laughs maniacally at his new guest as he prods him with his pitchfork.
Oh yeah, and near the beginning of the cartoon, the St. Peter cat admits three kittens who were drowned in a bag. Sheesh.
(Shameless plug: Come see the newly redesigned FilmFather!)
