kindertrauma

Month: September 2011

Name That Trauma :: Reader SK Duff of a Covered Trellis & Crying Fetus

Posted on By aunt john

It was probably a made-for-TV movie in the early '70s — think it featured JOHNNY WHITAKER from FAMILY AFFAIR… Anyway the image/sound that stayed with me was this:

A backyard covered trellis with vines, etc. (very pretty) with a jar on a table that appeared to have a fetus in it that cried… VERY disturbing… don't remember anything else about the movie, but that image and sound are still with me over forty years later….

— SK Duff

UNK SEZ: JOHNNY WHITAKER and a crying fetus in a jar? That's got to be 1972's SOMETHING EVIL which also starred SANDY DENNIS, DARREN McGAVIN and RALPH BELLAMY. SOMETHING EVIL has never found it's way to VHS or DVD which is kind of strange since it was directed by none other than STEVEN SPIELBERG. Check out our review HERE!

The Final Terror (1983)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Slasher movies are like wine, they get better with age and only a sophisticated palate can distinguish the full range of subtle aromas and flavors. Some days I simply require the crisp hearty taste of a killer in the woods flick and I know I am not alone. THE FINAL TERROR is often dismissed as a FRIDAY The 13TH rip-off but that's not entirely accurate. Really, TFT should be so shrewd as to mold itself after FRIDAY, instead it's frustratingly coy and it refuses to go for the gusto even when in the perfect position to do so. Just when things get exciting, it ends. Still, it does have a certain something and I almost masochistically enjoy that it won't give me what I want.

What's to love:

The cast: JOE PANTOLIANO is the perfect creep and aw, there's LEWIS SMITH of BUCKAROO BANZAI and MARK METCALF from the TWISTED SISTER videos! Furthermore, I'll never say no to either DARYL (BLADE RUNNER) HANNAH or RACHAEL (NIGHT SCHOOL) WARD. Even though neither leave much of an impression here, to have both in one film is an embarrassment of riches. ADRIAN ZMED on the other hand is nothing to brag abou,t but I'll give him a break as a courtesy to GREASE 2.

The Location: Where FRIDAY shows off the lovely woods of New Jersey THE FINAL TERROR takes place in some zone that more closely resembles the planet Endor. (In fact, IMDb just informed me that TFT and RETURN OF THE JEDI do share location.) Nature here is all encompassing and the sense that help is out of reach is distinct.

The Killer: TFT's menace sprouts straight out of a campfire tale. A young girl is raped by her uncle and thrown into an insane asylum. Her offspring later frees her but then noting that she is nuts beyond repair leaves her in the woods to live off the land. Now, she hunts trespassers and could one of the main characters be that very son? It's nice having a female psycho and it's cool that the haggy beast camouflages herself to blend in with the surroundings and uses what is available to make deadly traps. Imagine being split apart by rusty can lids! That's gotta hurt. Plus she lives in a shack in the woods just like I will someday!

What's not to love:

The Kills: There's maybe two barely decent kills in this movie and that's not going to cut it. In fact, half of the cast survives! I appreciate that TFT was going more for a survival thriller rather than slasher flick vibe but the difference between obscurity and rampant cult fandom (THE BURNING will tell you) is mostly in the blood. I'm not saying you have to spring for SAVINI or anything, but maybe go to the store and score some ground chuck for Pete's sake.

The Lighting: If you're old enough to turn on a camera then you're old enough to turn on a light. I know there are easier things than lighting a forest but c'mon. I'm going to give TFT the benefit of the doubt and point out that it has yet to receive anything close to a proper presentation for the home market. I don't remember image quality being an issue when I first caught it on cable as a critter. Maybe my eyesight was better then.

The Pace: TFT slowly builds up to an alarming bus attack scene and then somehow looses momentum again. I understand the value of quiet time and I don't require fireworks every second, but there is a certain amount of focus and direction that is necessary for effectiveness. It's kind of like listening to someone tell a story who keeps getting sidetracked by minutia. I can forgive vagueness but not so much the feeling that so much time is wasted where we could have easily have learned useful information.

I know I'm trying to get a dog to meow and that if any other movie was as equally good as it was bad, it would be called a failure but this is a forest-set, eighties horror flick and in a way that overrides all. If you're not a slasher fan you needn't bother, but if you count yourself among the truly devoted it might hit the spot. THE FINAL TERROR gets props from me for not following the usual path but it sort of gets lost in the woods anyway. We don't get the usual stereotypical characters and that's nice but then again we don't get to know anyone at all. Why am I telling you all this? Because THE FINAL TERROR is available in full for free on YouTube and no matter how you look at it, free is a fair price isn't it? Maybe not, but sometimes I just have to take a walk in the woods anyway.

Name That Trauma :: Reader Kim K. on a Scary Smile and Trash Can Kitty

Posted on By aunt john

I have to say that your blog is both horrible and really neat. Hopefully someone can help me figure out what these movies were so I can see them completely and stop being weird about it.

I was watching a T.V. show about horror movies, and it showed little clips of the scarier parts. I don't remember the date but I think it came out at the same time that CAT'S EYE did, because I keep thinking this was part of that movie (it's not). There is a horrible flesh-colored monster with no hair and generally human shaped, only it had the scariest mouth ever (lots of long sharp teeth) and it SMILED. For some reason I have it in my head that her name was Lucy (or Lucie) but I don't ever find pics when I Google. Maybe that was the creator's name for the puppet? Either way that thing was scary as hell.

The other movie memory was about a girl who may have been hallucinating. She was walking along in an alley or a dark park or something and hears a kitten crying. She followed the sounds to a trash can and lifted it up and something horrible was inside (it may have been just a rat but I think I was about 6 and they were scary) and she lost her mind screaming and acting nuts and then somehow (I don't know if she stopped hallucinating or I remembered it wrong) she ended up being comforted by some guy. I think it ended up that her sister was setting her up to seem crazy so she (the non-crazy sister) could get the guy. That kitten in the trash can scene made me forever nervous of sounds inside things I can't see into.

I will be amazed, but SO GRATEFUL, if anyone knows what in the world I'm talking about!

Thanks so much.

— Kim K.

UNK SEZ: I think I know the first one Kim! We've gotten a "Name That Trauma!" on it before (HERE)! It sounds like you are talking about "Lizzie" from the TOM SAVINI directed episode of TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE entitled "Inside the Closet". You can read our review of it HERE. As for the second, hopefully one of our readers will know the answer to that!

Mystery Six!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Everybody's most favorite show ever, KINDERTRAUMA FUNHOUSE has been put on hiatus! The news is equal parts sad and true! With budgets soaring, ratings plummeting and advertisers scurrying away like rats due to THE FUNHOUSE's controversial sexual reassignment surgery, KINDERTRAUMA had no choice but to pull the plug. Will it return? It's too soon to guess but luckily, as a mid-season replacement, there is MYSERY SIX!

MYSTERY SIX is hip, hot, now, flagrantly cutting edge and offers 100 percent of the same entertainment value while cutting production costs by nearly forty percent! MYSTERY SIX is sure to sweep the Internet by storm with its streamlined approach to Friday morning trivia! Can you identify today's MYSTERY SIX? Do you know who the heck these people are? Answer correctly and you can tell your friends you are superstar king of the day!

Seven Unsung Vampire Flicks

Posted on By unkle lancifer

UNK SEZ: Here's a list of seven vampire flicks that I believe are underrated. You will not see great movies like NEAR DARK, THE HUNGER, VAMPIRE'S KISS or NOSFERATU here because I think people generally know those flicks are good. Beware because even though they are numbered, I put little or no thought toward their order!

7. VAMPIRE WARS : BATTLE FOR THE UNIVERSE (aka BLOODSUCKERS) 2005

You may have stumbled across this one on the SYFY Channel, thought it looked lame and skipped past it and, if so, you really missed out. This is great, goopy, gory escapist entertainment sporting highly likable (and easy on the peepers) characters that I only wish I got to see more of. It's sorta the illegitimate child of BUFFY and FIREFLY coated in an almost FLASH GORDON-esque corny, cartoon candy shell. The first thing I thought after viewing it was, "This should be a series!" And how sad to find out that it actually is a pilot for a show that never got picked up. Ouch. That hurts considering the bonanza of crap SYFY chose to support instead. VAMPIRE WARS comes courtesy of MATTHEW HASTINGS who is responsible for the equally underrated DECOYS (2004), so maybe I shouldn't be so shocked that I enjoy it as I do.

6. THE NIGHT FLIER (1997)

Of course this movie fell through the cracks, it's based on a short story from some obscure writer named STEPHEN KING! Two tabloid journalists are tracking down a serial killer who uses a private plane to stalk his prey. Matters turn for the worse when the suspect is discovered to be a vampire with a pilot license. The always good MIGUEL FERRER gets a chance to tear things up in a rare lead role and director MARK PAVIA provides more than a few moments of true eeriness that are bound to stay with you. My only question is why we've never seen another picture directed by PAVIA. I hope he has a good excuse.

5. THE THIRST (1979)

Here is yet another example of great Australian cinema. THE THIRST is a remarkably original vampire movie both in its tone and with its progressive vision. Make sure you catch this one on DVD in widescreen and read our more extensive review HERE.

4. I, DESIRE (1982)

This one is probably going to be difficult to track down, but if you are a fan of eighties horror and are looking for a good DAVID NAUGHTON-starring companion piece for AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON, it's worth the effort. If you're a BRAD DOURIF fan, and you should be, then get on it quick. Check out our full review HERE and our pal AMANDA BY NIGHT's thoughts over at MADE FOR TV MAYHEM HERE.

3. VAMP (1986)

To be honest, VAMP is not such a good movie, the story is all over the place, some of the jokes leave a bitter, douche-y aftertaste and the scares are few and far between. Be that as it may, it's a fluffy-fluorescent, neon noir knock out if you crave flawed eighties flicks. Moreover, the exceptionally charismatic cast makes it all worthwhile. GRACE JONES is oddly mesmerizing as a far too mute vampire goddess, CHRIS MAKEPEACE is a perfect clean-behind-the-ears everyman, DEDEE PFIEFFER is bug-in-a-rug adorable, and ROBERT (NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2) RUSLER, as always, rules. (If someone could explain to me how RUSLER didn't become a giant star in the '80s while a traffic cone with teeth named TOM CRUISE did, I will bake them a cake.) Sure, VAMP is rarely successful at its clear intention of capturing the spirit of the previous year's FRIGHT NIGHT, but as far as presenting characters we care about, it fares far better than that film's recent remake does. Not a total success, but nostalgically entertaining nonetheless.

2. DRACULA (Spanish version 1931)

When it comes to classic UNIVERSAL-style horror, I'm enraptured by the FRANKENSTEIN series, severely dig THE WOLFMAN and quite shamefully feel unsatisfied and unmoved towards TOD BROWNING's 1931 take on DRACULA. Aren't I awful? You see, for me, BELA LUGOSI may be sufficiently creepy and weird and all, but when it comes to romantic magnetism, his pockets produce moths. The Spanish version of DRACULA, which was filmed at the same time and utilized the same sets as the better known classic, mows the lawn in spots that BROWNING's version missed. It's got a far sexier vibe, more vibrant violence and frankly shows, rather than meekly cuts away from, good old-fashioned bug chomping. It's almost the exact same undead tale but the difference is, it pulsates with more gritty unapologetic life.

1. THE ADDICTION (1995)

One of these days I'll write about this movie more in depth, but for now I'll just say I love it. It's one of my favorite vampire movies, favorite LILI TAYLOR movies and favorite ABEL FERRARA flicks too. I find it much more effective than the similarly black and white NADJA and much more involving than the similarly shoestring-budgeted and New York set THE HABIT (both of which came out around the same time.) Besides TAYLOR, the cast also includes ANNABELLA SCIORRA, EDIE FALCO and CHRISTOPHER WALKEN. I don't think critics understood this one too much, chalking it up as a pretentious drug allegory when really it tackles much larger issues like humanity's natural penchant towards causing cruelty and the contagious nature of evil. It's as gloomy as a Ladder Day Saints commercial and yet its soundtrack features CYPRESS HILL and if that doesn't tell you how singularly awesome it is, then I don't know what will. This is yet another movie that never found its way to DVD but if you look around hard enough (namely HERE) you should be able to find it.

Traumafesions :: Reader Hillary B. on Image Union

Posted on By aunt john

Hello,

Love your site! I don't have a site to promote, but I do have a traumafession. I live in Chicago and I grew up watching WTTW 11, our main PBS station. There is a program called IMAGE UNION and back in the '80s the "mascot" (or whatever) promoting it was this animated figure.
I attached a photo of the figure I found by Googling it, which just reignited my fear of this thing, so yay. YouTube clip of the figure at the 0:45 mark:

Whenever I was watching the station with my parents and a commercial with that figure came on, I would quickly leave the room. I don't think I ever told my parents that the image freaked me out but it became my own personal boogeyman. If I had a dream of something scary chasing me, it was THAT THING! Usually accompanied by a sidekick in the form of a tarantula, my other kindertrauma.

I've never ever watched IMAGE UNION, which still comes on WTTW 11 and I still watch that station, for the simple fact that it is connected to that horrible image. The movement of the animation was weird and the face really didn't move at all. It just wasn't right. Not at all.

Cheers,

— Hillary

Name That Trauma :: Stacy Pershall (Author of "Loud In The House Of Myself") on an Explosive PSA

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Oh my dearest Kindertrauma, I have JUST discovered you, and I'm in love! I'm hoping you can help me figure out who was behind the biggest trauma of my young life. It was, of course, a PSA, and it sent me and my brother running out of the room in tears back in the '70s. I'm pretty sure it was made by the Latter Day Saints. It was about hate, and it featured a little red cartoon guy with smoke coming out of his ears and, as I recall, wild swirly eyes. He started far off in the distance and stomped toward the screen as a creepy song about hate played. The last line of the song, as I recall, was, "Hate…the one it hurts the most…is YOU!" And when it said, "you," the little guy EXPLODED!

I've searched for this thing in vain for years. The closest reference I've found is HERE.

Oh, and I did a gallery installation about THE WALTONS' episode "The Changeling" at GalleryThe here in NYC. I slept in the gallery window wearing a red wig, surrounded by Raggedy Ann dolls, as a TV played the scene.

I hope someone else remembers this PSA!

— Stacy Pershall

UNK SEZ: Thanks Stacy! I don't remember your commercial but I've always been haunted by another one that I'm pretty sure was from the Latter Day Saint's too. In it, a little girl is shown crying, looking out of a rain soaked window and then her mom comes up behind her and the girl says, "Mom, why am I so dumb?" and that's it. They used to show it all the time and I know it existed because it inspired a popular catchphrase in my home. I'm not a fan of religion myself but I must give credit where it's due and say that the Amish make great pickles and the Mormons make great TV commercials. I could watch LDS spots all day! They run the gamut from noose inspiring to nitrous oxide sweet and every so often they're narrated by TOM BOSLEY! I looked for both of our PSAs in the YouTube pile up below and came up empty handed but maybe if we keep our fingers crossed and pray to the Internet, both of our ads will reemerge soon!

ALSO: Thank you Stacy for alerting the Kindertrauma offices to both HEDDA GET BEDDA and the board game SEANCE! Kids, you can buy Stacy's book LOUD IN THE HOUSE OF MYSELF over HERE!

Name That Trauma :: Reader Bracken on a Grade School Gang Gutting

Posted on By aunt john

Is there anyone else here who has a recollection of seeing an After School/Scared Straight type T.V. program from around 1980-ish that ends with a boy being stabbed in the guts and bleeding to death in the street?

When I was about 10 or so (around 1980-ish) my grandmother made certain that I was home from school so that I could watch a late afternoon television movie about the down side of falling in with the "wrong crowd" (you know what road "good intentions" paved.) The kid in the story was playing baseball/softball/stickball with some friends and hits a homerun that smashes through the window of some gang members' hangout ruining their pizza. The gang kids then track down the ball player and stab him to death in retaliation for nailing them with the homerun ball. My recollection is that at the end of the movie, the kid who has been narrating the whole thing is lying in the vacant lot holding his bleeding stomach (I also remember the gore being very explicit–his guts might have been hanging out) while repeating, "I don't want to die."

The program was followed by a documentary on the making of the show detailing how at least a portion of the script was written by gang kids who had been invited to help develop the cautionary tale. It didn't make me afraid of gangs or baseball, but it started a lifelong interest/obsession/recurring nightmare with belly cutting.

Got a title? Any ideas?

Thanks,

— Bracken

AUNT JOHN SEZ: Bracken, your Name That Trauma induced some serious déjà vu as I think it is the same After School Special reader Shane wrote in about a little whiles back. Readers, please help us kill two birds with one stone and sound off in the comments!

Looking Back At The World Trade Center

Posted on By unkle lancifer

UNK SEZ: My big plan was to grab all the images of the World Trade Center that I could find in horror films but mid way through my endeavor I discovered someone had beaten me to it. Many of these images come courtesy of the site WORLD TRADE CENTER IN MOVIES which catalogues shots of The Twin Towers found in films of every variety. Check it out HERE. I know you don't need another person telling you to remember the Towers today so instead allow me to point out how adept movies are at capturing what is missed.