kindertrauma

Month: December 2012

How Unk Got His Christmas Groove Back

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I've got to snap out of it and get my groove back. There I was happily riding the horror Christmas train when suddenly, absolute derailment. What the hell is wrong with people? If horrendous tragedy wasn't enough to sap my spirit, here comes everybody with their too late answers for everything. In my opinion, if your solution doesn't put the value of human life above all else then it already blows. Whatever you do, don't even try to place blame on movies and video games, they happen to be exactly what I'm going to use to springboard out of this funk. I want to thank INFAMOUS 2 for providing a place for me to hide ‘til the coast was clear and now I'm going to make a ten-ingredient movie cocktail to obliterate this malaise. I'm not saying these movies (not in any order) will work for you, but I know through experience that they work for me. If you have your own secret weapon stuper-smasher please share it in the comments section!

THE NEVER ENDING STORY (1984)

Let's get the tough love out of the way . I know this movie has the saddest scene ever but I'm going to stick it up here anyway as a crystal clear mission statement. Don't let the swamp of sadness get to you Artax! Also, if you can watch the scene below without crying, you are most likely a sociopath… so please get help.

THE NIGHT OF THE HUNTER (1955)

They may have complimentary singing voices but in the end murderous charlatan Harry Powell (ROBERT MITCHUM) is no match for unsung saint Rachel Cooper (LILLIAN GISH). "I'm a strong tree with branches for many birds. I'm good for somethin' in this old world, and I know it too."

SUPERMAN II (1980)

Ignore the cellophane "S" and let's hear it for the citizens of Metropolis! After Zod and his cohorts have apparently killed Superman, bystanders are so outraged; they band together and selflessly throw their own safety to the wind. "They killed Superman!" one screams; "Let's go get'em!" yells another. This always makes me happy. The fun's not over yet, I could watch Lois clock Ursa ("You know something? You're a real pain in the neck!") all day.

STARMAN (1984)

A list is not a list without JOHN CARPENTER. If you want to convince me that an alien would be even remotely impressed with humanity, it's a good idea to get an actor like JEFF BRIDGES to play said alien and KAREN ALLEN to represent humanity. "You're at your very best when things are at their worst" Not always true but when it is…wow.

FLASH GORDON (1980)

The theme song alone is enough to make me euphoric but what I find most life affirming is when Dr. Zarkov explains how he avoided being brainwashed by thinking of the works of Einstein, Shakespeare and the Beatles. That must be one hell of a planet he comes from! As Flash would say, "Not too bad."

CANDYMAN (1992)

You didn't think I'd neglect to put a horror film up in here did you? CANDYMAN is stuffed with stinging bees and violence but that doesn't mean it hasn't got anything positive to relay. I love that our hero Helen sacrifices herself to save a baby and I love even more that she is recognized and mourned by the residents of Cabrini-Green for her deed. They don't even know a fraction of what she's been through but they know enough.

(Tie) HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON (2010) /THE IRON GIANT (1999)

I can't choose between these two and so I won't.

(Tie) LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS (1986)/GREASE 2 (1982)

I don't always watch musicals but when I do they include songs about murder and dentistry (LITTLE SHOP) or sex education and bowling (GREASE 2).

HOLIDAY (1938)

Johnny Case (CARY GRANT) must choose between shallow dud Julia and her freethinking down to earth sister Linda who just happens to be KATHARINE HEPBURN. I won't tell you how it ends but summersaults and the world's greatest rumpus room are involved.

SCROOGED (1988)

You've seen this right? You know how it ends. Once upon a time way back in 1988 I went to see SCROOGED in the theater and I'll never forget it. After BILL MURRAY has his epiphany he breaks the 4th wall and invites the audience to sing along with the closing song "Put a Little Love In Your Heart." I don't know what was going on with the packed Center City Philadelphia audience I saw this with but they really got into it. At first it was embarrassing and then it became mandatory. You had to sing and clap along. When MURRAY told one side of the theater to sing they did and when he told the other (my side) we did too. It was amazing and I'm not exaggerating and if you think it sounds lame that means you weren't there. Hey, isn't that Harry Powell (ROBERT MITCHUM) singing along too? I forgot that he was in it. How perfect. Yes, the world really sucks sometimes but if you're one of the many people not adding to the grief, you should make sure you enjoy yourself this season. You deserve it.

It's a Horror to Know You:: Stexe of Futurechimp!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

It's a Horror to Know You: Stexe of Futurechimp

1. What is the first film that ever scared you?

The Fly (1958), which I saw on UHF at the age of seven or eight. Specifically the spiderweb scene. I'd never witnessed anything so horrific. After the movie was over and I lay in bed that night, I stared up into the opposite corner of the room, where it was pitch dark, and projected a vivid image of a giant web. The spider descended towards me as I believed I was increasingly tangled in a constricting cocoon of bedsheets. I was scared, but at the same time it was thrilling.

This enjoyable, life-affirming kind of scared was very different from the disturbing-scary elements of 70's TV wasteland that tormented my developing mind. To wit, the Fig Newton Guy:

And Blob, a character on a local Chicago kiddie show called "Gigglesnort Hotel". Oh Blob, why did you ever have to exist?

And you, Spotmaker, get out of my dreams.

2. What is the last film that scared you?

The Innkeepers (2011)

3. Name three Horror movies that you believe are underrated.

Witchfinder General (1968)

The Burning (1981)

Trick 'r Treat (2007)

4. Name three horror movies that you enjoy against your better judgment.

Dracula vs. Frankenstein (1971)

Pieces (1982)

Humanoids from the Deep (1980)

5. Send us to five places on the Internet!

Plaid Stallions

Secret Fun Blog

Laff in the Dark

Retrospace

My Etsy store

Sure I'm acting in my own interest, but where else can you find a Glow-CHUD? Or an Incredible Melting Man that actually melts? Or a Cthulhu bobblehead? Or a pig that spits air freshener if you get too close to it? All sorts of exclusive products I create in my garage that you won't find anywhere else, yo.

Thanks for everything Kindertrauma, you've been an invaluable companion ever since you helped crack the case of my Name That Trauma long ago. I've been checking your site nearly every day since, and I hope you'll keep on traumatizing for many years to come.

Traumafession:: Kevin M. on SUPERFRIENDS: The Lord of Middle Earth!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

SUPERFRIENDS: The Lord of Middle Earth by Kevin of KEVIN GEEKS OUT!

Some might call this episode of the SuperFriends an homage to J.R.R. Tolkien's Middle Earth, others would call it a rip-off, but to 5-year-old me it was just plain terrifying.

Everything about this cartoon has a nightmarish quality. Recounting it here is like remembering a bad dream: It all takes place inside a maze-like cave-world. An evil wizard magically morphs Superman (and friends) into grotesque halflings. The troll-like heroes are stripped of their super-powers and forced to work deep inside in the diamond mines.

Even though it freaked me out, "The Lord of Middle Earth" was easily my favorite episode. This was the first time a show had such an effect on me.

REASONS THIS CARTOON WAS KINDERTRAUMATIC:

SUPERFRIENDS DWARFED
The heroes lose their super-powers. That's a hard thing for a child to witness. But again, some part of me must have enjoyed seeing the all-powerful crimefighters brought down to size. The little SuperFriends are roughly the same height as the kids who watched the show. Like much of the episode, it's simultaneously appalling and appealing.

DYING INSIDE A CAVE
Six minutes into the cartoon, Robin fears he's going to die inside the cave. After spending years battling Lex Luthor, Sinestro and Toyman it could all end here: collapsing in ancient underground kingdom while doing manual labor.

MY RECURRING NIGHTMARE
Full disclosure: When I was very young I had a recurring dream about being trapped inside a volcano where large lava-colored men worked with deadly magma. (This probably has something to do with my Dad being a boiler-house engineer, right?) I don't know which came first: my recurring dream or "The Lord of Middle Earth." Either the episode captured elements of my bad dream or it inspired a recurring nightmare.

MALHAVOC IS ONE BAD MUTHA
Listen to that rich, bass voice – it's even deeper than Superman's! Malhavoc perfectly embodies a child's idea of evil incarnate. Plus his pale skin, crimson eyes and jet-black hair evoke KISS and Alice Cooper (which I also found terribly unsettling when I was 5 years old.)

SCARY CAVE CREATURES
Besides the vengeful warlock, this episode features a long-tongued cave beast, evil spider-people and giant snails. (Granted the snails are "good guys", but they're still unnerving.) Plus the Dragon of Darkness ("the deadliest creature in middle-earth!") Today I recognize these monsters as obligatory obstacles in a sword and sorcery adventure. But this was the first time I'd encountered any of them and it was really scary.

THAT FREAKING STATUE
The gigantic stone gargoyle is the icing on the cake. The statue's face is wrought with dark emotion. If his twisted face looks familiar, maybe that's because both the gargoyle and Malhavoc appear in the series' opening credits. Also, in the opening, the statue comes to life!

MELODRAMATIC SCORE
I know it's the same music beds that appear in all the other episodes of the SupeFriends cartoons – but the soundtrack is especially haunting set against the backdrop of a dreary underground labyrinth.

Today I still enjoy this episode. I've even shown it to my kids. I know this cartoon can't measure up to Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings movies, but those films will never grab me the way "The Lord of Middle Earth" did.

Black Christmas (1974):: Do You See What I See?

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I suppose it's possible to trudge through the holiday season without watching BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974) but why on Earth would anybody want to do such a thing? Viewing murder and mayhem in celebration of December 25th may seem like bad taste verging on sacrilege to some, but I'd argue it's more appropriate than a sled load of sappy modern X-Mas movies bent on selling you the idea that having your every indulgent fantasy realized is the reason for the season. Keep your shopping malls, Christmas should be spent in an old dark house surrounded by snow waiting for the appearance of you don't know what.

BLACK CHRISTMAS, like Christmas itself, focuses on a pregnancy (although this one will end in abortion rather than the son of God) and if that's not enough to convince you of its fittingness, it's also got folks with horrible communication skills cursing like sailors and abusing alcohol. Like any holiday gathering, it's equal parts hilarious and maudlin and yet you don't need to travel to reach this snuggly destination! Trust me, Jesus would tell you himself if he wasn't too busy crying his eyes out about the greed-driven travesty his birthday has become that he's more comfortable being associated with BLACK CHRISTMAS than "Black Friday" (Though truth be known, his favorite horror film remains CARRIE).

BLACK CHRISTMAS has no problem collecting laurels for including tropes that would become ubiquitous years later but its brilliance is worthy of far higher praise than "first out of the gate." This is no mere sorority house hack n'slash, and ultimately its most essential similarity to HALLOWEEN is that it's labeled "minimalist" when it's anything but. The late BOB CLARK built a psychological maze with no clear exit and more primary to its personality than its relationship to any forthcoming body count flick is its unspoken crush on ROSEMARY'S BABY. C'mon, the creepy boyfriend, the invasion paranoia, the raking of religion's chestnuts over an open fire. What separates BC from the slasher pack and even its own remake is that darn unwanted baby and its mother Jess's unyielding plans for it. Pretending BC is only an under recognized trendsetter ignores everything that makes it so strangely haunting and difficult to pin down.

Jess, as played by otherworldly beauty OLIVIA HUSSEY (who had just given birth before shooting), is admirable but notably aloof. She knows exactly what she wants, offers no apologies and attempts at swaying her are useless. She's going to have an abortion and not only does her boyfriend have no say in the matter, he's lucky she deigned to inform him in the first place. We're on her side, she's too stalwart not to align with, but held up against the history of horror heroines, she's comparatively cold. Jess is going to do what Jess is going to do. Here's another "final girl" who doesn't fit the faulty "virgin lives" theory and doesn't her regality make you feel like a cad even bringing it up? She shows no outward signs of feeling torn about her stance and it seems neither her boyfriend nor the universe she lives in can handle that. The harassing phone calls the sorority house has been receiving get more and more personal and accusatory and the holiday itself, honoring a holy birth, inaudibly sings a preachy Oompa Loompa song in her ear. There's a growing presence in the house to match the one in her body and it seems devoted to the act of shaking her fortitude.

Whether Jess deserves to be raked over the coals for her adult decision is beside the point, horror is under no contract to be fair and understanding. It's no accident that nearly every seemingly random act of brutality that occurs will wag a finger at her. The staple-kill that binds this volume together involves Clare (LYNNE GRIFFIN), who bawdy Barb (MARGOT KIDDER) refers to as "The poster child for virginity." Clare is strangled in a plastic bag (a mockery of contraception?) and propped in a motherly pose in a rocking chair with a rotten baby doll in her hands (I'm assuming that's the same doll briefly glimpsed earlier in the film trapped in a birdcage). Boozy Mrs. Mac climbs into the attic womb and is gauged on a hook. As Jess cherishes the cherub faces of innocent carolers, Barb is penetrated with a symbol of fragile uniqueness, a crystal unicorn (while a death skull observes above.) "Like having a wart removed," Jess hears as she clings to the phone's umbilical cord. The granny voice isn't just quoting a conversation between Jess and her unborn baby's father Peter (KEIR DUELLA), it's backing up his condemnation. She's being punished all right but is it because of her decision or because she fails to broadcast the required level of socially sanctioned maternal emotions?

We're meant to suspect the Biblically named Peter. He bashes a piano in a rage and CARL (PROM NIGHT) ZITTRER's shivery understated score echoes his tantrum throughout. He calls Jess a bitch, stalks about the premises and is filmed in menacing shadow. He does everything short of chomp on a red herring sandwich. But this stubborn to confirm anything film does gift us at least one solid fact, that Peter's hands are as clean the ones on Jess' sweater. After being led to believe that the horror is over with Peter's death, we linger to learn that the squealing beast still exists (is resurrected in a way) in his nest upstairs. Our last glimpse of Jess and Peter together is a curious one and it more than a little resembles Michangelo's masterpiece "Pietà" which depicts the ultimate pure mother Mary cradling her mourned son.

BLACK CHRISTMAS would remain a stunning movie even if CLARK had followed advice and tagged Clare's boyfriend Chris (ART HINDLE) as the culprit, but by sticking to his guns and allowing the killer to remain ambiguous, he lifts the tale into the arena of the poetic uncanny (where it's felicitous roommates with HALLOWEEN.) Our killer Billy could be anyone, could be anywhere. He is free to change forms each time you watch. Sometimes I imagine due to a few shots of a framed record that Mrs. Mac made with her sister (The MacHenry Sisters!) that Billy is her estranged nephew. With his judging, all-seeing-eye he might be a stand in for the notably absent Santa Claus or even God. Is he giving voice to Jess's raging to be born baby or is he a physical manifestation of her suppressed guilt? Neither and both. Shadowy silhouette killers are nothing new but CLARK's representation delivers a singular identifying shard, Billy's intense penetrating eye; a cinematic pitfall into a bottomless chasm of meaning. If the frequent point-of-view shots place the audience inside the head of the killer, then the stark flashes of Billy's eye amounts to the viewers catching a glimpses of themselves in a mirror. If Billy can indeed be anyone then that includes us; the judgmental, voyeuristic audience.

I'll never be able to explore every room of this address. I didn't even mention my favorite character Phyl (ANDREA MARTIN) the heart (and co-patriot observer) of the joint, who I suspect CLARK had similar affection for since she's granted an off-screen kill. You probably don't want to get me started on JOHN SAXTON, especially if I've had some eggnog; it can be embarrassing. I'm moved by the plight of Clare's father and it kills me when he gets hit in the face with a snowball. Then there's that little girl's worried mother and the volunteers braving the cold for a literal search for lost innocence in the park. Luckily we get some comic relief thanks to Sergeant Nash (DOUG McGRATH) and his limited knowledge of sexual terms. You could devote a whole book to KIDDER's Barb and her shenanigans. Maybe I'm biased and when am I not? BLACK CHRISTMAS just happens to take place in a space that reminds me of my grandma's seventies-era abode and it's occupied by people who look like I remember they did while my favorite X-mas memories were being carved in my head. Even the posters on the girl's walls enthrall me.

Let me close by giving a final more definitive shout out to OLIVIA HUSSEY's Jess who I think is often shortchanged. No, she's not a warrior badass and yes, Sidney Prescott in SCREAM was probably referring to her when she complained of those who are "always running up the stairs when (they) should be running out the front door." Still, she's a sleeping giant in the horror heroine department for so fully claiming ownership of her herself from introduction regardless of how she might be perceived by Peter, Billy, Santa, God or us. Appraising a character on the strength of their personal convictions rather than their defensive fighting skills? Jesus would totally approve.

Name That Trauma:: Reader Robert on Stressful Seventies Shorts

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hi,

Great website, your readers helped me with my brother's trauma before and I am hoping to get help with mine.

Back in elementary school, my teacher would show us these educational short films on a film projector. These movies from what I remember were from the 70's and served to teach kids some lesson about life. In actuality, I found these films to be terrifying and stressful. These movies showed children in impossible situations from which there was no apparent escape from, as they would often end abruptly without resolution. I believe the "go f–k yourself" endings served to promote discussion in the classroom on how to resolve the issue presented in the short.

Here are a few of the crazy ones. A girl witnesses her friends engage in reckless behavior with her imagining the possible deadly consequences of their actions. The short ends with her friends pressuring her to jump in front of a car to "see if it stops in time." Another one involves the new kid in class being brutally bullied by some jerk. The harassment continues into after school hours, where the bully chases the boy into a secluded area. The victim hides in a barn, but makes it seem that he is hiding in the rafters. As the bully is climbing a ladder to continue his abuse, the boy pushes the ladder down causing the bully to fall. This one ends with bully lying injured and pleading for help from the new kid. A third one involves a little girl overloaded with responsibility of school, chores, and babysitting. It ends with the girl breaking down over a pile of dirty dishes as she sees no help in sight.

The one I need help with, actually has a resolution. The story begins with single dad and daughter who perform a Punch and Judy show for kids. One day as the man is performing the show, he has a heart attack and dies painfully in front of an audience of children. The daughter is understandably traumatized as is the viewer by this turn of events. For the rest of the short the girl remains mute and withdrawn. Eventually at some family get together she notices some little kids have discovered her dad's Punch and Judy set. This story ends with daughter finally coming out of her shell, when she puts on a Punch and Judy show for the kids. This one had a somewhat nice ending, but was too much of a sad story for a classroom of 1st graders.

Thanks again for the past help.

Robert

Silent Night (2012)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I've made it clear I'm saving my tears for tragedies more devastating than a horror movie being remade HERE. Let me also be honest and admit that I get a kick out of watching supposedly broad-minded horror fans stomp their feet and get all Harper Valley P.T A. puritanical whenever a new one is announced. Sorry, nothing is more comical than a person in a zombie T-shirt crying about the death of originality. Greedy Hollywood is "out of ideas" that, or maybe they just know that pious bubble-dwellers will promote their film ad nauseum by bitching about it non-stop for a year…and then see it anyway. Can you believe that somebody had the gall to remake SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT? How can anyone hope to improve upon that fine piece of cinematic artistry? Don't get me wrong, I adore SNDN but a lot of my affection for it is because it is crass, disrespectful and mocks propriety. It's not a movie that would clutch its pearls and say "Well, I never!" at the thought of being remade. It was born to step on toes.

If you are appalled by remakes you better not watch SILENT NIGHT (2012); not only does it use a previously existing movie as a springboard to tell its story, it brazenly lifts swatches of content from fellow maligned remakes! Still teary-eyed about the MY BLOODY VALENTINE redo? Well here comes JAIME KING and a small town atmosphere to pour salt on your wounds! Still throwing darts at that ROB ZOMBIE poster because he successfully burned every copy of JOHN CARPENTER's masterpiece in existence? Here comes that no good MALCOLM McDOWELL and he's brought expressive color filters and light flares with him! That's gotta sting. Never mind that the first two SNDN's, long out of print, have been released at a reduced price to coincide with this differently titled movie's release, this abomination was built to ruin everybody's innocent memories! How will we ever go on?

SILENT NIGHT is a fine modern slasher. It has an exceedingly likable lead in KING and even though it's lame on occasion, its coal black sense of humor easily wins out in the end. They did a superior job making the Santa killer look menacing and there are more than a couple inspired kills. Granted, some of the nods to the original work better than others. It's always nice during the holidays to see someone impaled on antlers, but they needed to hire a much gnarlier dude to play phony-comatose grandpa. The guy they chose could play a patriarch on a nighttime soap! Look, I LOVE Christmas horror films and regardless of this flick's origin, it's a welcome addition to my collection. It's too soon to say if it will become part of my seasonal rotation but if I had to guess I'd say, "Who am I kidding? Yes." It's a crisp breezy romp and I must put a star on its tree for not shying away from killing a bratty kid who asked for it. I'll always favor the orginal's more personal story focusing on the forging of a psychopath, but there's room in my stocking for this approach too. I won't over sell it because I'm bias as hell but if you're into killer Santas movies than it's a must see all the way. In fact, I'm hoping it follows its inspiration's lead and spews out many sequels for years to come. Yes, SEQUELS! Groans of disapproval are music to my ears.

Name That Trauma:: Reader Mike T. on a Phantom Finger in a Trunk

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hello,

I love your website and would like to post a trauma to Name That Trauma. Here it is:

I read a story in the early to mid '70s that haunts me to this day. It may have been part of an Alfred Hitchcock short story anthology. I've searched in vain on the net for the title and that's what I'm seeking here.

The story had to do with a man who has a large storage trunk in his room. Either the trunk was there when he moved in or he inherited it. Not sure. Most of this story lost in the mist of my memory except this — there was a finger in the trunk. Every night, it would poke out of the trunk and wiggle around. The man would lie in bed and watch it and then rush over, throw open the lid and see no sign of a finger. This went on night after night. Finally, the man, at the edge of madness, opens the lid, gets in the trunk and shuts the lid. I don't remember if he somehow locks himself in or not. I think that maybe the trunk is locked the next day and taken somewhere, perhaps to a trash dump. That part is very vague but the finger part sticks in my mind.

I would read and reread this story in our suburban living room — during the day, mind you — and would be terrified. But I'd keep rereading it. At night, in bed, I'd stare at my night stand and, in the glare of my nightlight, wait for a finger to appear.

A fantastic story that I'd love to reread yet again. Anyone anywhere have the title?

Krampus Funhouse!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

There are ten differences in these two images. Can you find them? After you are done, print one out, color it with crayons and hang it on your front door to let Krampus know you appreciate his hard work this season!

Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings

Posted on By unkle lancifer

As someone who was not a big fan of WRONG TURN 3, I have absolutely no business watching WRONG TURN 4: BLOODY BEGINNINGS and yet I broke down and did just that. I can resist a snowbound horror flick for only so long. Even knowing that Part 4 was directed by the same person who delivered Part 3 could not deter me from plowing ahead. Sure it took me over a year to finally succumb but the only person I was fooling by staying away was myself. I jumped in with the lowest expectations to insure the lowest level of aggravation and my only humble request from this direct-to-DVD sequel was that it delivered snow and people being murdered horribly in said snow. It gave me that.

The best part of WRONG TURN 4 is the opening prologue that depicts the psychotic, inbred troika of hillbillies as young-ins rampaging through a sanatorium. It's kind of like the MUPPET BABIES version of WRONG TURN, and how often do you get to see mutant killers in the halcyon days of their youth? This part of the movie brought back fond memories of THE DEVIL TIMES FIVE, as the trio take down their adult opponents with somewhat hilarious sadistic glee. If only the movie had continued with the killers at this age it might have ended up as something special. Instead we jump into the future and things slide quickly downhill.

Here's where I cast blame on the casting. This has been on my mind a lot lately and probably due to the wonderful people that starred in THE PACT. As much as I can enjoy hating on folks and delighting in their demises, I do have to find them at least somewhat bearable in order to properly get into a film. They can't all be relentless ciphers, which is the case here. I hope it's not because I'm curmudgeonly and resent whippersnappers. I think I just have a problem with a certain level of douch-iness. WRONG TURN 4's douche level is off the charts. I'm not kidding when I say the "monsters" are far easier to relate to than their prey. I found a scene where one of the cannibals is quickly aided by his siblings when he starts choking on a piece of flesh, much more affective then any of the exchanges between the potential victims. Then again, I do favor freaks and the make-up work here is pretty sweet. Perhaps the casting of ONE grounding human presence would have helped but maybe I'm missing the point.

If you want anything resembling artistry, look elsewhere but if you like snow, decapitations and are somewhat soothed by that which is aggressively disposable, here ya go. There are no bragging rights if you hate it. Asking a movie like WRONG TURN 4 to be a good movie is like asking your cat to drive you to the airport. If you happen to be a Cylon and are prone to wanting to erase humanity from existence, this cast will only exasperate those feelings. BUT yes, you do get some cool looking mutants, yes, they do really sick things to the boring people and, yes, they do it in an isolated snow framed setting. Granted the locale could have easily been used to better effect but hey, it's serviceable.

I take full responsibility for my actions. I do not regret watching this cruddy movie nor do I desire those 87 minutes of my life back. I can think of far more horrible fates than sitting on my beloved couch covered in a blanket drinking some something and watching this half-assed sequel that worked my last nerve but at least didn't shy away from being depraved. In a way it was exactly what I needed; something merely watchable as a palate-cleansing break from the films that I care about. Is that wrong? I say trash makes the gold shine brighter! In any case, I liked it better than Part 3. At least it had snow and I'm now confident that I can easily avoid Part 5. Or can I?