kindertrauma

Month: August 2013

Traumafession:: Jayme K. Author of Disorderly on Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I spent a good portion of my childhood being frightened by, what are in retrospect, really odd things. The weird cyborg creature from the end of Superman 3 comes to mind, but that wasn't the number one thing that freaked me out as a kid. That honor would have to go to Stephen Gammell's illustrations for Alvin Schwartz's Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. I had nightmares for weeks after I stumbled across that book. I went so far as to demand that my mother put it in the sewer–where I, obviously, couldn't find it. (Keep in mind I was also 5 or 6 at the time.)

Looking back, those illustrations are still really creepy. You see some of those drawings now and go, "Wow, that was for a children's book?" Gammell's artwork is masterful. I feel privileged to have been scarred by that and not, say, Troll 2.

UNK SEZ: Learn more about JAYME K.'s book DISORDERLY over HERE!

Name That Trauma:: Reader ODD on an ear sucking rabbit

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Ok, I'm not sure what this is and I think it might have been a straight to vhs release, but it was about a family of rabbits who live in these tunnels. The tunnel walls were covered in portraits of their rabbit ancestors. I remember that the big brother rabbit told his younger sibling to stop sucking on their ears because they might fall off. (I remember this part scaring me the most because I had a thumb sucking problem) I'm pretty sure their parents were not home because they were gardening and I think that maybe the rabbit children snuck away and were chased around by foxes? For some reason I remember a line that was close to the end:"father rabbit was so tired that he fell asleep with his boots on." Anyone know what this is?

Sunday Streaming:: Forbidden World (1982)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

You've got to love ALIEN(1979), not only was it generous enough to gift the world with its incredible self, it thoughtfully left the door open for so many lovable wannabes to charge through. Case in point, the ROGER CORMAN produced, ALLAN HOLZMAN directed FORBIDDEN WORLD (1982)! If you sometimes get this one confused with the previous year's GALAXY OF TERROR (yay! Also on Netflix Streaming!), you're just like me! Don't sweat it! I've invented an easy way to remember which is which. FORBIDDEN WORLD's initials "F.B." reversed are W.F. which stands for "worm free", meaning this is not the movie where a giant worm rapes a woman. GALAXY OF TERROR'S initials form the acronym "GOT" which signifies that it has "got" the giant heinous rape worm in it (not to mention ERIN MORAN). Capiche?

Worm rape-free though it may be, FORBIDDEN WORLD has plenty of other idiosyncrasies that you might find worth your while, most notably a robot that sounds exactly like Marcie from THE PEANUTS. Who doesn't want one of those? Also FORBIDDEN WORLD has my favorite sex scene outside of MADMAN(1982). It's not explicit; it's just an orchestra of huh? Our hero Mike Colby (seventies staple JESSE VINT of BUG, SILENT RUNNING & DEATHSPORT) is the new rooster in the space hen house and therefore is hurriedly propositioned by Dr. Barbara Glaser (eighties staple JUNE CHADWICK of THIS IS SPINAL TAPP & V). As they make the vaguely shot intergalactic whoopee, we are privy to flash cuts of a coworker watching it all unfold on a security monitor while he intently pulls on a light up yo-yo toy and another space ship denizen wistfully playing a (space?) flute in his bunk… somehow in unison to the greatest new wave-y synth score you ever heard. Please either have a great sound system set up or just go the cheap route like I did and wear the headphones you bought at FIVE BELOW.

Oh, and the monster! Sometimes he looks like a giant wad of gum, sometimes he looks like a pile of trash and sometimes he looks like a pile of trash being pushed around on a shopping cart. He's not that impressive looking but who cares? He does a lot of damage and he has a lot of teeth!

Subway Horrors!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Did I mention we moved? Poor me, I'm no longer a hop, skip and a unicycle ride from the places I need to be. That is why I have been forced by fate to acquaint myself with a place that smells an awful lot like pee…the subway. I know most of my (dwindling) friends who live in the city think nothing about jumping down some stairs and zooming underground to their destination but I've always made a point of walking everywhere I could. I can count on one hand how many times I've needed to use the subway over the last 20 or so years. The thing is; I'm really cheap! And I could use that money for Necco Wafers! Plus c'mon people! Public transportation is ripe for disaster and you know it! I don't want anybody taking my Pelham 1, 2 or 3, thank you very much.

Actually the subway is not so bad. It's convenient, it's speedy and you can meet some really interesting people there (especially when you live close to a methadone clinic.) Take for example, the nice old man who chose to sit next to me the other day even though there were thousands of empty seats everywhere. Doing his best impersonation of Crazy Ralph from FRIDAY THE 13TH, he informed me that the previous day a woman came up to him, ripped off her face and revealed that she was a monster. "What is happening to us?" he asked me, switching his impersonation to a spot on KEVIN MCCARTHY in INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS, "We are ALL turning into monsters!" I didn't exactly disagree with him and I admired his ability to cut to the chase but…Oh look, it's my stop! As I exited, the kindly stranger said that he "hoped nobody ripped my face off" which is a nice sentiment if you think about it, although you're unlikely to ever find it in a Hallmark card. Again, we were in agreement, I hoped nobody ripped my face off too! If I had to choose though, I'd prefer my mindset earlier in the day when it wasn't on my list of things to concern myself with. My theory is that old guy was just me from the future screwing with me from the past so I tried not to let future-me see me sweat.

So anyway all this subway travel has gotten me thinking about all the movies I know that have subways in them. Here are some scary movie subways! Please enjoy and as always, I hope nobody rips your face off!

QUARTERMASS AND THE PIT (1967) AKA FIVE MILLION YEARS TO EARTH

This movie freaks me out because I know in my heart of hearts that Martians really do look like grasshoppers! If you watch it back to back with LIFEFORCE (1985) you can witness the destruction of London twice!

RAW MEAT (1973) AKA DEATH LINE

Subway cannibals are the worst. I can't decide what recommends this seventies gem better, the fact that Legends DONALD PLEASENCE and CHRISTOPHER LEE are in it or the fact that the movie shares the same father (GARY SHERMAN) as two of my favorite babies, DEAD & BURIED and the goofy/spectacular POLTERGEIST III!

MIMIC (1997)

Any bug that doesn't fit under your shoe is a bad bug in my book! Alternate title: Romy and Roachy's Subway Reunion! Note: Director GUILLERMO DEL TORO would later go on to use a subway platform as a place of peril for a box of kittens in HELLBOY (2004).

AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981)

The tube chase scene in AAWIN might have been the scariest bit in the movie if the movie did not also feature Nazi werewolves machine gunning children while they watch THE MUPPET SHOW.

JACOB'S LADDER/GHOST (1990)

Writer BRUCE JOEL RUBIN clearly understands the scare-potential of subways. Both of these 1990 flicks he penned feature a pivotal and/or creepy scene in one!

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VIII: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN (1989)

Aw, remember when Jason decided to take Manhattan? And by "take" I mean stroll through it for ten minutes, drink some toxic sewage and turn into child. Worst itinerary ever, at least stop for a knish!

MANIAC (1980)

JOE SPINELL is here to tell you that there is something scarier than a subway station at night and that is a public restroom in a subway station at night.

POSSESSION (1981)

I put this on here because I clearly remember ISABELLE ADJANI gorgeously loosing her mind (among other things) in a subway station. I didn't realize somebody also stole her banana.

NEON MANIACS (1986)

Last thing I'd want to bump into on a subway is a neon maniac! Unless of course I had some water with me in which case I'd just throw water on them and they'd die. What more can I say about this incredible movie that I did not say HERE?

THE WIZ (1978)

So clearly there is no way to visit Oz without something totally traumatic happening. Oh God those horrible marionettes! More on this trauma-scene HERE.

THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN (2008)

This one didn't work for me as well as it should have and I think it's because I somehow find BRADLEY COOPER more unnerving than VINNIE JONES.

FINAL DESTINATION 3 (2006)

Congratulations FINAL DESTINATION series! You systematically ruined every possible means of transportation besides jetpack for me.

CREEP (2004)

This feature debut from CHRISTOPHER SMITH (SEVERANCE, TRIANGLE, BLACK DEATH) is as underrated as he is versatile. My only complaint is that the same titled RADIOHEAD song doesn't play over the closing credits. Run FRANKA run!

THE WARRIORS (1979)

Growing up a sheltered suburbanite, I was quit convinced that THE WARRIORS was an absolutely accurate depiction of life in the big city. What a disappointment! (Not that I would have joined "the warriors" anyway, I would have to go with the "punks" on account of the overalls.)

DRESSED TO KILL (1980)

I swear this list is not in any order but that doesn't mean I didn't save the best for last. It doesn't matter how many times I see this movie, it seems to get more suspenseful with every view. In addition, this allows me to close on a positive note because if the subway is a place where you might bump into NANCY ALLEN than it must not be so bad after all.

UPDATE: Oh great! Where I used to find a soothing poster of IDRIS ELBA drinking gin (above), I know find this…