C.H.U.D.

 

 GREEN ACRES truly is the place to be! EDDIE ALBERT would have won his famous theme song country vs. city debate with EVA GABOR a lot quicker if he left out the "chores" lyric and simply reminded her of the "C.H.U.D.s!" The Big Apple may have stores and Times Square, but neither of those selling points can be experienced when one is being pulled into a manhole by a glowy-eyed subterranean mutation. For our less citified readers I should explain exactly what a C.H.U.D. is. The acronym stands for "Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller" or "Contamination Hazard Urban Disposal" depending on whom you ask. If you receive the latter reply as an answer to your query, you are probably speaking to someone who is deeply imbedded in the cover-up of these monstrous creatures. In addition, if you've ever found yourself wondering why radiation poisoning is not a viable solution to our country's homeless problem, look no further. It turns out that radiation has a strange effect on the homeless. The sad truth is it turns them into C.H.U.D.s. In the old days before you could just Google such facts, folks had to find out the hard way. Disgruntled fashion photographers (JOHN HEARD), mop topped soup kitchen volunteers (DANIEL STERN) and even widowed (by C.H.U.D.-ly means) police officers (CHRISTOPHER CURRY) had to get their hands dirty to discover what you just learned for free. For those who are thinking, "Just round up all the bag people and transients and ship them off, that'll solve the problem!" I have to disagree. It's actually the illegal transportation of radioactive toxic waste through our sewer systems that is the real culprit here. How can you differentiate between normal homeless people and those that have gotten the C.H.U.D. bug? Well floodlights for eyes and green skin is one fool proof indicator, but try this test the next time you're passing by a hobo camp; just stop and offer up some coinage. If your arm comes back a bloody stump, you're most definitely dealing with a C.H.U.D.!

• Lady walking her dog is pulled into manhole
• Lost father and young daughter use phone booth and accidentally dial 1-800-C.H.U.D.
• Poor puppy is found hanging by leash in sewer
• Considerate C.H.U.D. elongates neck for easier Samurai sword slicing
• HEARD & STEARNS exciting manhole escape!