I Killed Three People! by Rynn Jacobs

 

 Howdy folks, My name is Rynn Jacobs,(JODIE FOSTER)I just killed three people and I could give a flying fig newton. I had no choice really because people don't seem to get that this is MY HOUSE! You see, my terminally ill father took his own life like many a great poet before him, but not before he made a plan to make sure I was well taken care of. We found a beautiful house in a seaside town and he paid the rent up front for three years. At 18 I could do want I want but pops wanted to make sure I didn't have to go to public school where I would be taught by THEM. THEM are those who tell you what life is about so you never really find out for yourself. The first two kills were happy mistakes. My mother showed up one day with her bright red nail polish and it was clear she had "taking over" in mind. As instructed by my father I gave her some tea with a little powder he had prepared. She said it tasted like almonds before she keeled over. The second was the nasty Mrs. Hallet (a begging to be killed ALEXIS SMITH) who stomped in as if she owned the place and never once asked if she might. She found mom's corpse in the cellar and when the cellar door knocked her on the head, she ended up lying right next to her. Don't shed any tears for that one, she was a snobby racist who was always threatening to tell the schoolboard about me. The third was ALL my doing. Mrs. Hallet's son Frank (sleezy MARTIN SHEEN), what a piece of work! I met him on my birthday, Halloween night. It was clear from the get go that he was a pervert. He also tripped my crippled magician confidant Mario (kinderidol SCOTT JACOBY) and killed my pet hamster Ralph by putting a cigarrette out on him! Plus I swear he was trying to cop a feel when he reached into my nightgown to inquire about my key necklace. What really signed the creep's death certificate though was when he found out about my set-up and tried to blackmail me into being "his." THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE don't play that. How's your tea Frank? No, that almond taste is NOT from the cookies! Tell your mom "Rynn says hi, and sorry about the jelly glasses!"