Dear Millie,
I was born on 9/11 and now my birthday is ruined. Nobody wants to celebrate how hot I am today and it makes me want to strangle a Raggedy Ann Doll. What should I do? How am I supposed to honor the dead when I feel so crappy myself?
Signed,
Feeling lousy over priorities
Dear Flop,
Get over yourself already and change your birthday. Everybody knows you are hot and they are sick of hearing about it. We all have our personal traumas but some traumas we share together. A great way to honor the dead is to tell somebody alive how much they matter to you. Today is a perfect day to do that. Do so and don't be a chicken shit.
By the way, that "lost" contact lense that you've been ripping the house apart looking for is lodged in your belly button.
With tempered malice,
Millie
Awww, Millie has her crap together, don't she?