kindertrauma

Author: aunt john

Name That Trauma :: Reader Shane H. on a Babysitter in the Furnace

Posted on By aunt john

When I was a kid, in the 1970s, the radio station WBAL in Baltimore would broadcast a series of scary Halloween stories every October. I've forgotten all of them but one, but this particular story scared the bejeezus out of me. It was about a babysitter caring for an infant while the parents were away. She kept hearing noises down in the basement. When she went down to investigate, she discovered that the noises seemed to be coming from the furnace. Turns out, something lived inside the furnace. Oops!

Cut to the parents returning home. They were baffled as to why the babysitter was nowhere to be found. But later, they began to smell an odd, awful smell throughout the house. It was the babysitter, the narrator said. Inside the furnace.

We had an old unfinished basement with a big oil furnace, and this story totally freaked me out for years. You have no idea how scared I was of that giant, belching furnace that easily could have hidden a gruesome creature and a dead baby sitter inside it.

I'd love to find a recording of this story again. The narrator was extremely creepy, and–at least from what I remember–the sound effects were equally horrifying. Does this ring a bell with anyone?

The Second Annual Kindertrauma Halloween Parade!

Posted on By aunt john

ANNOUNCER: Good morning boys and girls, welcome back to the all ready in progress Second Annual Kindertrauma Time-Traveling Halloween Costume Parade. We now join your hosts, Unkle Lancifer and Aunt John, on the east lawn of Kindertrauma Castle.

UNKLE: Wait, is that a float I see driving down the street?

AUNTIE: Oh, sweet baby Jesus… that is, hands down, cross my heart and hope to die, the scariest thing I have ever seen! If it gets any closer I am going to S-C-R-E-A-M!

UNKLE: Wait, I don't get it. What is so frightening about that? It's just a bed.

AUNTIE: Sure it's a bed, but do you care to guess the thread counts on those sheets? I don't even think it's real Egyptian cotton, and those throw pillows… S-C-A-R-Y!

UNKLE: I liked the BLAIR WITCH float better, too bad it caught on fire.

AUNTIE: Yea who would have guessed sticks were so flammable. Moving on, perhaps you'll find our first marcher a little scary. It's FatherOfTears making the first of his three scheduled appearances in today's parade. Here is from 1971 as Casper the Friendly Ghost.

UNKLE: You're right, those pants are frightening.

AUNTIE: You better stop clowning around.

UNKLE: Speaking of clowns, who's that with the pumpkin?

AUNTIE: Why it's none other than RATSAWGOD. Let's throw it down to him to hear what he has to say:

RATSAWGOD: My mother made this cute wittle clown costume from scratch, and dressed me every Halloween… until I was old enough to demand a generic plastic Halloween costume for myself. Stupid, stupid me.

UNKLE: There, there RAT, there's nothing stupid about plastic Halloween costumes.

AUNTIE: True dat UNK! Just ask Reader Shelley S. and her kitchen full of Ben Cooper-clad pals:

SHELLEY S.: This is Halloween '78 – must have been a big year for STAR WARS costumes. I am the confused, little bunny, a few weeks shy of my second birthday, about to embark on my first Trick-or-Treat with my playdate buddy in the clown costume. My dad thought it would be a great idea to pull a handful of the neighbor kids into our kitchen and snap a picture of the occasion. Of the four kids up front, my mom can still name who was who, but I forget. Forgive the blotched out faces…don't want to get sued or anything!

AUNTIE: Shelley is right, 1978 was the year of the STAR WARS costume.

UNK: Good God, what sort of little weirdo would voluntarily dress up as that golden fussbudget C-3PO?

AUNTIE: Umm…

UNK: No, I mean really, this kid on the far right could have been someone really cool like Han Solo, Grand Moff Tarkin or even a Jawa… but instead he really thought C-3PO was the way to go? What a loser.

AUNTIE: Zip it dude… that gold lamé droid is me! My older brothers got first dibs on the Darth Vader and Storm Trooper costumes, and my Mom flat-out refused my suggestion that I go out as Princess Leia… so C-3PO it was.

UNKLE: I guess they didn't make Aunt Beru costumes.

AUNTIE: No, they didn't, and if you keep it up, I'm going strut my way out the door.

UNK: Really?

AUNTIE: No, not really, but I think my feelings would be best expressed by an interpretative dance by the legendary KINDERTRAUMA DANCERS! Take it away girls:

AUNTIE: Thanks girls! Say, what's up with the weather today? One minute it's nice and sunny, and the next it's overcast. I don't want to jinx things, but it almost looks like it could…

UNK:Rain?

AUNTIE: Yep, and you know what they say about showers?

UNK: Umm, do I really have to say this?

AUNTIE: Just read the cue cards or I will get someone in here WHO CAN!

UNK: Ugggh… this joke isn't even seasonally appropriate… they bring May flowers.

AUNTIE: That's right UNK, and if we all learned anything in high school history class, the Mayflower brought us Pilgrims. Chubby little Pilgrims!

UNK: Why look, it's none other than Emmy Dumas, sister of Andre Dumas of THE HORROR DIGEST.

ANDRE: Today my Mom thought…"What would be a good costume for a 3 year old? cute pumpkin? A cuddly lion? Oh I know! A chubby pilgrim!!!" Isn't she adorable?

AUNTIE: She's totes adorable!

UNK: Ugghhh… I hate that word totes… this parade is becoming a nightmare.

AUNTIE: That's right… A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET. Here's FatherOfTears in his second costume of the day:

FATHEROFTEARS: Next is me around Halloween 1988 as Freddy. I've lost count on as to how many eggs of Silly Putty were glued to my face & head! Someone in the house owned a orange shirt with dark stripes and I had the hat from my high school days… I was on a TOM BAKER DOCTOR WHO kick back then. Anyway, I actually drove to my college with that makeup on. How I didn't crash I don't know. It was dark, I couldn't wear my glasses and I couldn't fully turn my neck due to the glued on mess on my head!

UNK: Dark you say? I think our next two little marchers might know a thing or two about spending Halloween in the dark.

AUNTIE: Brilliant segue UNK! Here's Kinderpal Mickster to describe her nephew & niece's outfits.

MICKSTER: Zac (AKA Zackster) is ALF, Halloween 1987. This was an interesting Halloween. The power went off all over my small town around 3:00 that Saturday and stayed off until 8:30 P.M. It was really creepy when the sun went down. I will always remember the Halloween blackout of 1987.

MICKSTER: Brittany (AKA Brit-Brit) is a tiger, Halloween 1988. She, unfortunately, is too young to remember the blackout from the year before because she was 10 months old at the time. She was a cute little tiger!

AUNTIE: Brit-Brit really is the cat's meow!

UNK: Funny you would use the word meow AUNTIE, since none other than Mickster's cat is our next entrant.

AUNTIE: Get a load of Count Von Whiskersen! That's a really cool cape for a really cool cat.

UNK: Speaking of cool cats in cool capes, it looks like Mickster's husband Professor Von Whiskerson just showed up in a matching Dracula costume!

PROF: Of all the costumes I had as a child, I only remember being a vampire more than one year. This pic is from 1981, according to my sister the family historian (who scanned them in). My mother did the makeup, complete with painted on "Widow's Peak," and those fake plastic vampire teeth that make you drool so bad you're constantly making Drac-like sucking noises. This was obviously back in the day when we counted on our kids to keep their asses out from in front of a speeding car, judging by the amount of dark clothes I'm wearing. Maybe that was a secondary reason for the white sash, although it wouldn't even be visible from behind, what with the awesome black cape.

AUNTIE: Indeed Prof., black capes really are awesome!

UNK: Did you both just use the A-word?

AUNTIE: What are you deaf? Yeah, we both said awesome.

UNK: Awww, that word makes me think of Mr. Canacorn who has been on hiatus from his NSFW blog AWESOMENESS FOR AWESOME'S SAKE.

AUNTIE: There, there UNK, I miss that big lug too, but you know what?

UNK: What?

AUNTIE: In a KINDERTRAUMA HALLOWEEN PARADE first, we have a second-generation parader… Mr. Canacorn's son Chuy is here as a Werewolf. Let's throw it over to the lovely and talented Mrs. Canacorn (of Lucky Kitty fame) for the details:

MRS. CANACORN: I made his hat (not the ears, but I did sew them on), attached faux fur to his shirt and made his little wolfy shoes… enjoy!

AUNTIE: How I love me some fuzzy shoes.

UNK: Well then check out the mitts on our next parader… it's Yao Ming, a.k.a. the Orange Menace from ZOMBIES ARE MAGIC!

AUNTIE: All this cat fur is drying out my sinuses and making me feel parched, can you pass me that bottle of juice under the console?

UNK: Yeah… I got your juice right here… BEETLEJUICE that is. Take it away FatherOfTears:


FATHEROFTEARS: The last one is from 1990 as some ghost in a TIM BURTON movie. Mother had to make the costume. I did the rest… O.K. someone in the house had to spray the colors on my hair! I didn't put makeup on the hands, as I didn't want white stuff all over the furniture. Oh, if you look closely on the piano, you can see my high school senior picture. DORK!!!!! Sadly, this costume was destroyed in a 1992 college party while I was tossed around in a mosh pit.

UNK: I would be a total basket case if my costume got ruined like that.

AUNTIE: Well it's looks like our final entry should have no worries.

UNK: Damn, that's a solid looking number.

AUNTIE: Yep, crafted from the finest timber the Pine Barrens have to offer comes Joe's (CARRIE WHITE BURNS IN HELL) homage to FRANK HENENLOTTER's BASKET CASE.

UNK: Wait, where's Joe?

AUNTIE: He promises to send us a picture later tonight when he wears it out.

UNK: Speaking of wearing it out, I'm done with this banter, these goofy segues and horrible jokes.

AUNTIE: Looks like someone is ready for his nap, and with that, this concludes the SECOND ANNUAL KINDERTRAUMA HALLOWEEN PARADE. Special thanks to today's participants: FatherOfTears (x3), RATSAWGOD, Shelley S., my two older brothers, the KINDERTRAUMA DANCERS, Emmy Dumas, Mickster's niece Brit-Brit and nephew Zak, Professor Von Whiskerson (the cat), Professor Von Whiskerson (the man), Chuy Canacorn (and his rockin' parents!), Yao Ming and owner Jen, and Joe from C.W.B.I.H.

And last not but, not least, special thanks to you the readers of Kindertrauma!

Happy Halloween!

Traumafessions :: Waxartist72 of Shrieks in the Night on Halloween, Friday the 13th, et al.

Posted on By aunt john

Well for me I saw HALLOWEEN on it's network television premiere in 1981 (I was 9) and was forever changed. I was scared to go to the bathroom, much less sleep. I watched both FRIDAY THE 13TH and the sequel back to back and practically went into convulsions of fear, loving every single minute of it. I was hooked. So I would have to say HALLOWEEN and FRIDAY THE 13TH Parts 1 and 2 were defining moments for me. However, just as terrifying were SALEM'S LOT, DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW, I, DESIRE, and HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS with SALLY FIELD. They were all made-for-T.V. movies that scared the crap out of me.

AUNT JOHN SEZ: Thanks waxartist72, you rattled off the names of some of my favorite made-for-T.V. movies. To see more from waxy, be sure to check his blog SHRIEKS IN THE NIGHT!

Kinder-Taining :: How to End Your Child's Halloween Birthday Party

Posted on By aunt john

Hosting children's parties can be exhausting any day of the year, but throwing ones for those born on All Hallows Eve can be down right draining with the extra burden of having to make costumes. Once the games have been played, the cake has been cut, and the gifts have been opened, it's time to clear the room and send the little partygoers on their way. Should you not have an air horn handy or enough energy to call in a bomb threat to your own home, try the simple solution of slurred arithmetic as demonstrated in the 1976 After School Special FRANCESCA, BABY. In the time it takes you to count to five, your house will emptied and you can get back to doing what you really wanted to be doing, like drinking on your child's birthday!

Traumafessions :: Reader William H. on Seizure & Star Trek & a Name That Trauma With Follically Challenged Child Aliens

Posted on By aunt john

Thanks to two LEONARD NIMOY movies that came out in the late ‘70s/early ‘80s, I developed a terrible phobia of bald women. Most memorable was SEIZURE: THE STORY OF KATHY MORRIS, which told the story of a young woman who undergoes brain surgery. Mr. NIMOY plays her doctor. I vaguely remember a traumatizing scene where her baldness is revealed and how it horrified me. I mean, to my five year old mind, a woman was NOT supposed to be bald. Also, I probably associated the sick protagonist with my mother who had M.S.

There was also Lt. Ilia in the first STAR TREK movie who was totally, slickly, shiny bald. She was more terrifying to me than any creature that the crew of the Enterprise was ever to encounter.

And, as a NAME THAT TRAUMA, there was a movie that came out around 1983 that involved a group of bald children aliens that were traveling with a human couple. This movie traumatized me even more than the previous two, and it aired a lot on HBO. I was always afraid to turn the T.V. to that channel.

As a young adult in the mid-'90s, I thought I was over this phobia. There was even a bald super-model with a dragon tattoo on her head that I loved. Then one night I was watching MELROSE PLACE. Dr. Kimberly Shaw had been the victim of some kind of accident, but she seemed to be doing alright. In a cliff-hanging scene, after having made love to her boyfriend, Dr. Shaw goes into the bathroom and looks at herself in the mirror. Then she rips off her wig and has this choppy Joan of Arc haircut and a huge scar. I inhaled so sharply I probably sucked all the oxygen out of my room, thus proving trauma does not stop after childhood.

Traumafessions :: Reader Rita Jean on Dark Night of the Scarecrow

Posted on By aunt john

Do you remember DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW?

This movie scared the F-ing crap out of me when I was 10.

Hi! My name is Rita Jean from Huntington Beach, Ca. DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW was burned in my memory so badly that I had to get a copy of it somehow to re-watch it as an adult and put my memories of terror to rest. The VHS is very hard (nearly impossible) to get and DVD's don't exist although I found a guy on e-Bay that made them. I am now the proud owner of my very own DVD copy. I watched it….. and now I can honestly say that I've put my fear of this "film" to rest forever.

This movie was so horribly cheesy and the acting was so bad that I just had to laugh. Even worse is before I made that discovery, I forced my friend to watch it with me (because I was so scared) convincing him it was going to be utterly terrifying. Now he thinks I'm completely retarded.

Subsequently, now my fear of this movie is truly gone forever and I'm not too sure how to feel about that. It's kinda like losing my virginity all over again.

UNK SEZ:: Thanks Rita Jean, I still get a huge kick out of this movie but then again I'm still a virgin, so don't go by me! Funny you should mention D.N.O.T.S. (which was supposed to come out on DVD but seems to have met some snags), I was just showing Aunt John the cool image above which is taken from a terrific (nobody says terrific anymore) T-shirt design from the freaky folks at FRIGHT RAGS!

Traumafessions :: Reader Jergy on Halloween is Grinch Night

Posted on By aunt john

Since Halloween is fast approaching I thought I'd write in with my trauma. I was (and still am according to my wife) a bit of a scaredy cat, which is amazing considering how Halloween is my favorite time of year. My favorite part was the specials. Kids today will never understand the EVENT that was catching THE GREAT PUMPKIN or GARFIELD the night it aired. But Halloween specials were not as plentiful as the amount that would hit you as Christmas so they were more treasured and rare. And they all used to scare me. I think I even covered my face watching the FAT ALBERT HALLOWEEN SPECIAL (that old lady that lived by the cemetery was creepy!)

The trauma I wrote to tell you about came eleven years after the Grinch terrified me while ruining the Who's Christmas. Old Grinchy was so popular they threw him a new special. The original name of the program back in 1977 was HALLOWEEN IS GRINCH NIGHT. And I had no idea the absolute terror I was in for. First thing I noticed was that this Grinch wasn't anything like the Grinch I saw carving the roast beast with the Whos eleven years ago. This Grinch was much more sinister. To keep the synopsis brief, what I gather is the same time every year (around Halloween) the Grinch comes down from Mount Krumpet and scares the sh*t out of the Who's. He was sort of like Jack Skellington, but more of an asshole. His heart was no longer "3 sizes bigger," it was gone completely.

So one small Who decides to delay the Grinch as he heads towards the town. He approaches him and asks to be scared. What followed are images I'll never shake from my head. I can't believe this special actually won an award back in 1977. And even more surprising was that the teleplay was written by Seuss himself. I know he's known for bizarre sometimes frightening images, but this seems above even something he would conjure.

Luckily this show didn't air very often, but it never had to. Those images were burned in my brain the rest of my life. So fast forward 32 years later when I picked up a DVD of GREEN EGGS AND HAM for my daughter and flipped it over. As an 'extra feature' they included HALLOWEEN IS GRINCH NIGHT. Needless to say my daughter was excited to see it. So I sat next to her last week while asking over and over again while watching it, "Are you sure you want to watch this? We can turn it off if you want?" When I should have just told the truth and said, "Daddy peed his pants."

Awesome site guys, love it!

Jergy