kindertrauma

Author: aunt john

Spring Cleaning :: Trauma-Toys

Posted on By aunt john

Hey kids, it's time to help your Aunt John clean up the cluttered playroom in Kindertrauma castle. Which toys should we keep, and which should we toss?

  1. Monster Old Maid
    You would think Mr. and Mrs. Dracula would have spared their daughter the indignity of being the Old Maid card by springing for some orthodontics. The poor thing looks like Agnes DiPesto with an overbite. It's no wonder she doesn't show up on the side of this sweet ride.

    2.  

     

  2. Creeple Peeple
    Did anyone really buy into the pencil-disguise craze?

    3.  

     

  3. Hugo, Man of a Thousand Faces
    Also, did anyone buy into the bald doll-disguise craze? Virtual version HERE, and more Hugo love HERE.

    4.  

     

  4. Mystic Skull: The Game of Voodoo
    I do love me some mysterious moving skull action.

    5.  

     

  5. The Weebles Haunted House
    This was the toy your Aunt John lusted for every X-Mas season as a child, and every December 25th my mother would sheepishly offer the excuse that it must have fallen off the back of Santa's sleigh. Note to parents: Honesty is really the best policy with children. My mother's subterfuge made her look like a delusional liar, and a cheap one at that.
  6. Scarecrow
    Obviously, this one belongs to your Unkle Lancifer

    7.  

     

  7. Stretch Monster
    In many ways, this green guy was much less creepy than his bikini-clad nemesis Stretch Armstrong.

    8.  

     

  8. Bermuda Triangle Game

    9. The tagline tells you everything you need to know about this one: "Sinister Mystery Cloud Swallows Ships."

     

  9. The Mighty Men & Monster Maker
    My brothers and I played with this, while my sister had the Fashion Plates. Sadly, the parts were not interchangeable.

    10.  

     

  10. The Queasy Bake Oven
     
    The cakes and cookies you can make with this model look more appetizing than most of the things I've churned out with my old school Easy Bake.

I Saw What You Did

Posted on By aunt john

 

mr. telephone man is there something wrong with my line?
With a last-minute cancellation by the babysitter, dewy teen Libby Mannering (ANDI GARRETT) is put in charge of her bratty little sister Tess (SHARYL LOCKE) while her parents attend to some sort of business-related dinner out of town. Thankfully, Libby is allowed to invite her best gal pal Kit (SARAH LANE) over to help her pass the unchaperoned time. Rather than sneak alcohol from the parents liquor cabinet, participate in a no-holds-barred pillow fight or invite boys over to listen to records with the bedroom door open, the sensible girls decide to let loose by making prank phone calls. Whoa! In their breathiest of voices the girls repeatedly annoy unsuspecting telephone owners by repeating the phrase, "I saw what you did; I know who you are." Most folks laugh off the girls' inane calls, save for one Steve Marak (JOHN IRELAND) who just finished showering and stabbing his wife to death. The girls', intrigued by Steve's brooding baritone and utterly oblivious to the murder, get all dolled up and decide to drive by his house to get a better look at him. While peering through his window, Libby is chased back to her car by Steve's over dressed and over-the-hill mistress Amy (JOAN CRAWFORD) who thinks the much younger girl is trying to get her mitts on her man. Amy snags Libby's vehicle registration card as a trophy and confronts Steve with it, who, in turn, gets all stabby on her and her over-sized necklace. Armed with Libby's home address, Steve drives over to the Mannering manor to terrorize the girls. Directed by WILLIAM CASTLE, the master of b-movie promotional gimmick, I SAW WHAT YOU DID barely stands up as a cautionary tale against the dangers of trick telephony since the advent of modern caller-id makes the major plot point obsolete. IRELAND brings a sense of brooding menace to his performance, and the young girls all deliver their screams on cue.
 

  • Taking a page from HITCHCOCK's PSYCHO play book, CASTLE lets his victim intrude on a shower with a killer already in it
  • The cougar shows her claws: Amy's front yard confrontation of Libby
  • The ominous fog that envelops the Mannering home in the finale
  • Early use of the hider-in-the-hatch phenomenon (Remember kids: Always check the backseat of your car for the killer!)

Traumafessions :: Reader Frost on Return of the Living Dead

Posted on By aunt john

 

 

Oh sweet Jesus! what kind of demented individual designed this prop of prepubescent terror? I was an active lad of about 7 years old in 1985, when this film was released. Getting dirty with my Matchbox cars, playing on the rail road tracks, and attempting to get our neighbor's daughter to play doctor. VCRs were something of a rare novelty back in those days, and so it was destined to be; a Curtis Mathis shop opened up, in the humble little town where I lived. They sold VCRs, and rented VHS tapes; Ingenious! My father surprised us all one day, with a brand new VCR, and 3 movies: IT'S ALIVE, C.H.U.D., and RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD. With that milestone of change in my childhood, began my long, disturbing, depraved, and unhealthy fixation with horror movies. It was with the 3rd film we watched, that the single most disturbing image I have ever seen (besides the Joanie Laurer porn video) was burned into my retinas and into my soul, forever. He lunged out, trying to eat the brains of a group of spray painted misfits…He was the infamous zombie, known in the horror world, as TARMAN! 

Unkle Lancifer sez: Thanks Frost, RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD is definitely one of the greats and "Tarman" is damn traumatizing! The one scene that always got to me is that re-animated split anatomy doggie model. I'm not sure how or if it could hurt me but that was seriously screwed up! 

  

Official Traumatizer :: January Q. Irontail

Posted on By aunt john

iron tail

Not content with their stranglehold on Christmas programming, doll-mation kingpins RANKIN & BASS followed their usual holiday recipe when they concocted HERE COMES PETER COTTON TAIL:

  • One past-his-prime entertainer as the narrator (DANNY KAYE as Seymour Sassafras)
  • One flawed protagonist who must overcome insurmountable obstacles in order to save the holiday (CASEY KASSEM as Peter Cottontail) and a coterie of anthropomorphic animals and/or inanimate objects to assist said protagonist in his quest
  • One disfigured and/or misunderstood villain who wants to prevent children from enjoying the holiday (VINCENT PRICE as Irontail)
  • A quantity-over-quality quota of songs to move the action along

When all the elements come together, R & B can really knock it out of the park with an instant classic like RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER or SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN. As discussed in these very pages before, following the formula doesn't always ensure fireworks, and R&B delivered a real dud with HERE COMES PETER COTTONTAIL.

Thankfully, VINCENT PRICE makes the most of a mediocre script as January Q. Irontail, resident bad ass and hindquarter amputee of April Valley. Perpetually embittered after losing his original tail to a child's roller skate, Irontail mounts a vicious campaign against Peter Cottontail in his bid to be the chief Easter Bunny. Aside from having a metal tail that clanks every time he wiggles it, the sharply dressed Irontail gets around on his trusty bat Montresor, and is best friends with the ghouls that populate Halloween town. Sadly, R&B chose to devote more screen time to the boring Peter Cottontail, his French caterpillar sidekick, and a shrill Easter bonnet named Bonnie.

The Devil's Daughter

Posted on By aunt john

 

 Following the highly suspicious gun death of her estranged mother, Diane Shaw (BELINDA MONTGOMERY) is practically adopted graveside by purported family friend Lilith Malone (SHELLEY WINTERS) who I-N-S-I-S-T-S Diane move in with her and her mute man servant (DARK SHADOWS' JONATHAN FRID) immediately. Back at the house, Lilith makes a production number out of presenting Diane with a cheap looking ring once owned by her late mother. Perhaps blinded by her grief, Diane fails to notice the ominous portrait of Satan hanging above the mantel. She does realize that Lilith and her middle-aged posse of eccentric pals, who include the legendary ABE VIGODA and the handsome Southern woman who was the manager of the Susan B. Anthony Hotel for Women on BOSOM BUDDIES, have an off-putting interest in her. As soon as Diane gets her hands on her inheritance from the executor of her mother's estate (JOSEPH COTTON), she hightails it out of Lilith's house, takes on a roommate and moves into a horse-themed bachelorette pad downstairs from the curly-haired dreamboat Steve (ROBERT FOXWORTH). Although relations between Diane and Lilith have grown strained, dopey Diane agrees to return to Lilth's place for a swinging party in her honor. After executing one of the most awkward interpretative dances ever to be captured on the small screen, Diane learns the horrible truth that her late mother got her freak on one drunken night with the Prince of Darkness, and that she is Satan's little girl. Determined to lead a normal life, well as normal as one can for being THE DEVIL'S DAUGHTER, Diane severs all ties with Lilith and fast tracks her courtship with the aforementioned Steve by accepting his proposal of matrimony. Naturally, wedding protocol dictates an appearance by the Father of the Bride, and being the big softie that he is, Satan shows up to give his little girl away. Exhibiting all of the subtlety of a monster truck jam, SHELLEY WINTERS owns this sub-par, supernatural TV movie by bulldozing over anyone with the misfortune of sharing screen time with her.

  • The brief cameo by DIANE LADD as Diane's mother and Satan's concubine
  • Diane shakes her tail feather and jiggles it, just a little bit, for the daffy devil worshippers
  • The tragic death of Diane's roommate at the hooves of an overexcited horse
  • Steve's super dreamy eyes shining like a crazy demonic diamond for Diane at the altar

Leprechaun

Posted on By aunt john

Clad in a sweet pair of L.A. Gear hi-tops and patchwork short shorts, spoiled twenty-something Tory (JENNIFER ANISTON) moves into a dilapidated bungalow in the middle of nowhere with her father. Unbeknownst to the father/daughter duo, and the trio of painters they contract to spruce up the place, there is a gold-obsessed leprechaun (WARWICK DAVIS) locked in a crate in the basement. While Tory and handyman Nathan (KEN OLANDT of APRIL FOOL'S DAY and SUMMER SCHOOL fame) set to painting the side of the house electric blue, the developmentally disabled Ozzie (MARK HOLTON, "It's not for sale, Francis!" from PEE WEE's BIG ADVENTURE) frees the wee monster from his wooden prison. No one believes Ozzie at first when he tells of seeing a leprechaun in the basement, but they all come around pretty quickly after it starts tirelessly terrorizing them for his gold. The leprechaun is pretty persistent, and manages to send Tory's father to the hospital, injures Nathan's leg with a bear trap, and kills a cop and a precious metals expert in his quest. After Tory returns what is believed to be all of the gold hidden in a wishing well, the leprechaun keeps up with his attacks, demanding the return of a final missing coin unfortunately located in Ozzie's stomach. Nathan and Ozzie distract the leprechaun by tossing an assortment of pumps and flats into the yard (aside from having a thing for gold, the leprechaun also has a shoe fetish), so Tory can slip away to a local convalescent home to learn that only a four-leaf clover can stop the pint-sized psycho. Tory and the boys eventually manage to immobilize the tiny terror with a clover and imprison him in the wishing well before the end credits, but not before viewers are subjected to a nightmarish mishmash of bad puns and sight gags that were better delivered by FREDDY KRUEGER.

  • All of the scenes involving the leprechaun and his various modes of miniaturized transport: tricycle, toy car, roller skates, wheelchair, and skateboard
  • The leprechaun careens through the fence and leaves a perfect outline of his body ala a BUGS BUNNY cartoon
  • The leprechaun's tiny hand pops through the receiver and caresses Tory's cheek
  • Tory's sizeable portable phone (cellular technology has come along way since 1993)

Traumafessions :: Aunt John on Darby O'Gill & the Little People

Posted on By aunt john

I was either in second or third grade at the time, and as a special St. Patrick's Day treat my entire grade school was forced to don green attire, drink Shamrock Shakes concocted by the cafeteria staff, and watch DARBY O'GILL & THE LITTLE PEOPLE in the gymnasium. Overall, the film was pretty dull and could barely hold the attention of kids cracked out on mint-chocolate chip drinks. The mass boredom quickly gave way to hysteria with the on-screen appearance of the screaming banshee, who had come to claim the soul of title character's daughter who had fallen ill after chasing a horse up a mountain side. The younger kids started screaming and some were even audibly sobbing. Things got worse when the phantom death coach came tearing out of the sky to take Darby in place of his daughter. The girl sitting in front of me on the floor became so upset she vomited green ice cream chunks all over the back of the boy sitting in front of her. The teacher running the projector stopped the film, and I don't think they ever showed it again for St. Patty's Day.