Author: unkle lancifer
Avalanche of Christmas Horror!
Is it possible we've never done a proper Christmas horror movie list on these pages before? I could have sworn we had. Let's fix that toot sweet. In completely random order here are some bloody yuletide flicks to cram in your stocking!
THE SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT SERIES (1984-1991)
The first film is a required classic so goofy it's hard to believe anyone ever took such offense to it. The flashback stuffed second installment jacks up the lowbrow dark humor even more. Number three is rather a depressing dud and unconnected stand alones 4 (THE INITIATION) and 5 (THE TOYMAKER) are, if not good, at least bizarre enough to deserve a gander. Choosing a preference over those last two is a breeze; 4 was directed by SOCIETY's BRIAN YUZNA and 5 stars the dreaded MICKEY ROONEY! (MORE)
SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT (1974)
I admit I didn't make it all the way through this one the first time I attempted to; in fact, it lulled me to cozy sleep. The factors that once swayed me to slumber, I found later to be its major, most potent charms. It's a quiet movie, dark and moody and at some points it almost plays like a scarred silent film. Big bonuses include genuinely eerie locations and the always striking and highly watchable MARY WORONOV. Something tells me this one is only a proper DVD release away from being an established perennial. (MORE)
BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974 and 2006)
BOB CLARK's original is above reproach in my book. It's that rare movie that becomes more and more mysterious upon each viewing. The remake stands as a textbook example of what NOT to do when attempting an update, but I'll shamelessly throw it on anyway just to see ANDREA MARTIN's returning face. I'd call the re-do an overwrought insult in general but it does have a cozy parlor room atmosphere and loads of Christmas lights sparkling. In other words, best served after plenty of eggnog.
CHRISTMAS EVIL (aka YOU BETTER WATCH OUT! 1980)
None other than JOHN WATERS has called this chestnut, "The greatest Christmas movie ever made." And far be it for me to argue with him. BRANDON MAGGART (whose tree FIONA APPLE fell from!) stars as a hard not to like psychopath obsessed with X-Mas. Perverse and bizarre, it's also wonderfully shot and if you snatch the SYNAPSE DVD you get a commentary from WATERS along with director LEWIS JACKSON! (MORE)
EYES WIDE SHUT (1999)
Speaking of Christmas lights, did STANLEY KUBRICK hang a string in every shot of this movie? I hate typing the name TOM CRUISE even more than you hate reading it, but no one can say he's not perfectly cast as a self-obsessed douche. Many were disappointed by STANLEY's swan song but if this all-night journey into crazy town isn't fascinating I don't know what is. Keep your eyes perpetually peeled and the gifts just keep on coming. Must blame HORROR DIGEST's ANDRE for dragging me out of the closet as a big fan!
DEAD END (2003)
You'd have to be approximately three years old not to see the final reveal of this flick from miles away, but it doesn't make the journey any less compelling. The cast here is phenomenal, LIZ SHAYE, RAY WISE and (who'd of thought?) ALEXANDRA HOLDEN give solid, amazing turns. A late night excursion to granny's pad for Christmas slowly turns into a creepy mind screw road movie that I've come to regard as feeling like DAVID LYNCH directing WHO'S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOLF? I love this movie. (MORE)
WIND CHILL (2007)
This would be an excellent double feature with the above-mentioned DEAD END. Another holiday inspired road trip takes a u-turn for the crazy as a blunt EMILY BLUNT discovers her traveling companion is not on the up and up and that an ill advised short cut may result in hypothermia and poltergeist activity. I love the atmosphere (and yes, the BLUNT) but out of place CGI and a less than satisfying conclusion stall its status. Still, if you are looking for chills they are served by the ice tray here.
GREMLINS (1984)
Don't have Christmas and not invite Gizmo! JOE DANTE is truly a master when it comes to shoveling up humor with horror and if this movie doesn't give you a blast of nostalgia then your heart is coal. Some thought this one went too far with PHEOBE CATE's telling of a major bummer on a Christmas past but to me, it's the highlight of the film. Five thousand extra points for inclusion of a gremlin Christmas tree attack! (MORE)
TREEVENGE (2008)
Speaking of Christmas trees, has everybody caught this 16 minute X-mas card of hilarious depravity from director JASON EISENER (he of the upcoming RUTGER HAUER starring HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN)? You'll never look at your Christmas tree the same way again. Envelope, consider yourself pushed! (Watch TREEVENGE HERE!)
HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS (1972)
I'm sure T.V. movie aficionado AMANDA BY NIGHT will back me up when I say you can't go wrong with an AARON SPELLING production. Not to be confused with JODIE FOSTER's Thanksgiving flick, this one stars JESSICA WALTERS (ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT) JULIE HARRIS (THE HAUNTING) and SYBIL herself SALLY FIELD. Written by JOSEPH STEFANO (PSYCHO), they sure don't make ‘em like this anymore and the poncho clad mystery killer predates many a slasher to come!
THE NIGHT TRAIN MURDERS (1975)
Not on Christmas! I prefer my holidays rape-revenge free but if you're looking for an Italian take on LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT that takes place in late December, the train stops here. Beautiful locations and a soundtrack by none other than ENNIO MORRICONE (THE THING) soften the blow but merry this film is not. It's a bit slow and a tad sick but it may fit the bill if you're itching to travel to the squeamish zone.
TO ALL A GOODNIGHT (1980)
While we're on the subject of LAST HOUSE, that movie's big baddie DAVID HESS directed a film of his own. It's a might horrendous and good luck trying to make out much of the action thanks to sloppy lighting. On the other hand, I can't resist an early eighties slasher and the obnoxious synth soundtrack is heavenly music to my ears.
SANTA'S SLAY (2005)
This one will lighten your mood. I'm not a hundred percent sure that the entire film is successful but the opening scene, as I've said countless times before, is just one of my favorite Christmas horror themed treats ever. Yes, Virginia, you do get to see BILL GOLDBERG light FRAN DRESCHER's hair aflame and kick CHRIS KATTAN into a wall, what more do you want? Please Santa, give me a sequel!
ELVES (1989)
Witnessing GRIZZLY ADAM's DAN HAGGERY utter the line, "I want to know the connection between the elves and the Nazis" with a straight face is a gift in itself. It's nearly as brilliant as the line, "Who are the goblins?" from TROLL 2. I can't tell where the line between intentionally bad and unintentionally bad is drawn in this movie, but I do know that the end result is very bad indeed and in a very joyous and entertaining way.
JACK FROST (1996)
Just before Christmas a freak accident occurs which results in a serial killer being fused with snow and voila…the world's first killer snowman! Dumb fun mostly remembered for an outrageous rape-by-carrot scene involving SHANNON ELIZABETH. You'll probably find some twisted laughs here but expect far fewer from its sequel JACK FROST 2: REVENGE OF THE KILLER MUTANT SNOWMAN.
TALES FROM THE CRYPT (1972 and 1989)
Here's something you won't hear often, I can't for the life of me decide which I like better the original version of "And All Through the House" starring JOAN COLLINS from the 1972 movie TALES FROM THE CRYPT or the ROBERT ZEMECKIS directed segment from the HBO series. They're both just so darn good. The earlier version's Santa is more convincingly grubby but the later as portrayed by LARRY DRAKE is simply the face of true horror in my book. It's for the best to call this competition a happy and far too infrequent nose to red nose tie. Watch both for perhaps the purest most perfect Christmas time scares!
NIGHT OF THE HUNTER (1955)
Maybe you'd simply like to watch one of the most beautiful and poetic movies ever made in the form of CHARLES LAUGHTON's lone directorial effort. It's not very Christmas-y overall but once LILLIAN GISH has given evil preacher ROBERT MITCHUM the what for, peace is ultimately found on the ho-ho-holiest day of the year! A must see for any fan of cinema NIGHT OF THE HUNTER may not have plenty of snow but it does have a satisfying side serving of WINTERS (and that would be SHELLY!) (MORE)
CURSE OF THE CAT PEOPLE (1944)
I'd put this one right on par with NIGHT OF THE HUNTER in the incredible work of art department. Shelving the psychosexual groove of its precursor, this installment remarkably heads down a path toward dark fantasy and ends up being a rare sequel that exists on its own terms. Christmas effortlessly adds another layer of magic to the proceedings and if you can find a more beautiful snowstorm captured on film, I'd like to hear about it. Absolutely blood free and I can't speak highly enough of it. (MORE)
SHEITAN (2006)
After a nightclub scuffle on Christmas Eve a group of hip thugs get lured to a country house where bacchanalian indulgences lead to an encounter with someone who just might be Satan himself. Nary an inappropriate stone is left unturned and VINCENT CASSEL as the Satyr-like host is remarkably both unrecognizable and his usual bad ass self.
CALVAIRE (2004)
On his way to a Christmas singing gig, a passive young man's van breaks down and he is forced to stay the night in a stranger's home. Gratitude toward the hospitable homeowner turns to fear when rather than fix the van as promised, the odd oldster catches it on fire. Thus begins a survival horror film that utilizes more pig squeals than DELIVERANCE. Gender and religion are dragged through the mud, and to what end I'm still not clear, but I love the look of this movie to death. It's raw like CHAINSAW and I'd like to hang a few frames from it right on my wall.
FILMS TO KEEP YOU AWAKE: A CHRISTMAS TALE
A bunch of kids discover a wanted criminal in a hole in the ground dressed as Santa and rather then turn her in, they exploit the situation for all it's worth. Eventually the woman escapes with axe in hand and expresses her raging displeasure. Directed by PACO PLAZA the genius behind [REC], and clocking in at 70 minutes, this stocking stuffer is funny, eighties nostalgic and ultimately successfully scary. (WATCH HERE!)
WILD AT HEART (1990)
I include this film as a salute to my darling cousin Jingle Dell (CRISPIN GLOVER).
RARE EXPORTS: A CHRISTMAS TALE
I haven't seen this slick looking Santa vehicle yet but the chance of me not enjoying it is as slim as snowflakes in July. Hopefully this one will be playing in your neck of the woods and we'll all, everyone of us, have a good horror-packed Christmas movie to watch in an actual theater this movie season! Christmas dreams do come true! Check out the trailer below, let me know if I forgot to stick any of your holiday favorites in this stocking and merry (and bloody) Christmas to everyone!
EXTRA BONUS: COAL FOR YOUR STOCKING!
WHILE SHE WAS OUT (2008)
KIM BASINGER, happy to get a moment away from her abusive husband (NIGHTBREED's CRAIG SHEFFER) drops by the mall for some last minute Christmas shopping and finds herself running for her life from a gang of theoretical ruffians. This movie should have at least been trashy fun but a sleigh of lame casting leaves its blade blunt. BASINGER and SHEFFER are fine but you're a bigger wimp than me (and trust me you're not) if you find LUCAS HASS menacing. The more he glowered the more I wanted to knit him a sweater.
P2 (2007)
I like the Christmas Eve setting; I like the parking lot setting. I personally find parking lots to be the scariest places on Earth. I think I even like the two leads in this well enough. Yet, this movie failed to get me going in the way it needed to and I have to scold it even further for having what I believe the worst title in cinematic history. Honestly, you could just pick any other letter and any other number and it would be an improvement. What about H-11? Was that so hard? It took me one minute.
DON'T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS (1984)
I've got to give it to this one for being original enough to have Santas being killed rather than doing the killing, but I'm still not satisfied. Courtesy of some of the folks that made PIECES possible and featuring a disco singing cameo from CAROLINE MUNRO, you'd think I'd be caught with this baby under the mistletoe. Unfortunately the whole dealio makes zero sense and I can't for the life of me make heads or tails of what is going on. Maybe this is one that shouldn't be opened at all or maybe I should try it again next year!
Kinder-Flix:: Watch Satan's Triangle!
UNK SEZ:: Howdy Kinder-citizens! If you're a regular reader of Kindertrauma then you have no doubt heard me mention the 1975 television movie SATAN'S TRIANGLE numerous times. It's the first movie that ever truly scared your lil' Unk to the core and it happens to be the main inspiration and catalyst for this site (and perhaps my love of horror)! Someday I'll write an extensive traumafession to give this creepfest its proper due but in the meantime, I just found it in it's entirety on YouTube! Now, SATAN'S TRIANGLE has been particularly hard to track down over the years and who knows how long it will remain on YouTube so I just had to give you all a heads up. If you enjoy television movies from the seventies this is a must see and if you enjoy scary supernatural mind screws it's a must see too. I gotta say, the final moments of this one still hit me right where I live. I'm going to throw the film into the comments section for your convenience and hopefully you'll check it out and be traumatized for life too!
Scissors
Before she snatched the world's attention in BASIC INSTINCT, a young SHARON STONE (DEADLY BLESSING) starred in what has got to be one of the most amazingly bizarre psychological thrillers ever made. I assume that only the lack of availability on DVD can be blamed for 1991's SCISSORS not being an established cult classic. It's just wall-to-wall insanity and if you get past the obscene improbability of it all and relish rather than reject STONE's comical wide-eyed hysterics, it's a mesmerizing midair collision that mutates into a baroque mad tea party. It's so nuts it might make you nuts too.
STONE portrays peril-prone Angie Anderson, a 26-year-old sexually repressed, virginal freelance doll restorer who sleeps on her couch. One day while returning from shopping for a pair of scissors to add to her vast collection, a man with a dubbed voice wearing a long fake red beard tries to rape her in an elevator while calling her a bitch. She stabs him with her scissors and he replies while exiting, "I'll be back!" She meets and is taken in by her neighbors, twin brothers both portrayed by STEVE RAILSBACK. One brother is a neat and presentable soap opera star named Alex and the other is a scruffy longhaired artist confined to a motorized wheelchair.
Angie and Alex soon develop a thing for each other but their love is curbed by her fear of sex, her fear of his creepy brother and her fear of men with long red beards. Her pushy hypnotherapist Dr. Carter (RONNY COX) who is married to an ambitious politician (MICHELLE PHILIPS) is little help with anything besides dredging up Angie's repressed memories of sexual abuse with a pig puppet. Eventually Angie is invited to a doll restoring job interview in an apartment apparently decorated by DARIO ARGENTO and she finds herself trapped there with a dead red bearded man, a scale model of the city, artwork and television screens reflecting her life and a black raven that keeps screeching, "You did it!" From there things get weird…
I caught SCISSORS on late night cable while I was a young pretentious art student and I lapped it up. It was beautiful, the creepy dolls, the pig puppet, the carnival music, (not to mention the age inappropriate virginity) all spoke to me at the time. I returned to it again ten years later when I was a know-it all -video clerk and could not believe how ridiculous the plot was and how over the moon atrocious the acting was. Seeing the film now (it's on Netflix streaming and it looks fucking amazing) as a cynical, shut-in cat herder I have come to the understanding that I was right on both previous accounts. The movie is beautiful and it is wretched and together those two things equal super awesome. I'm now pointing the blame for my affection of SCISSORS directly on Italian horror films. Italian horror films have taught me that something can be supremely entertaining and still not make a lick of sense. Slap some subtitles on this bronco and presto! A masterpiece!
SCISSORS was directed by FRANK DeFELITTA who authored AUDREY ROSE and THE ENTITY and directed the kindertrauma classic DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW. Who would have ever thought he was such a lunatic? Dude is obviously smitten with HITCHCOCK and DePALMA and must have viewed SUSPIRIA at least once. The story may be all over the place throwing MacGuffins and red herrings about like confetti, but it's always compelling and there is always something indescribably peculiar in the air. When STONE goes to grab the doorknob of the space she shall find herself trapped in, she discovers it is squishy rubber and when it falls from her hand it bounces away. It's a moment of simple surreal dread and it's absolutely aces. Once trapped, there are many such dream logic visuals and the use of color and light wonderfully compounds the unnerving effect.
As I more than implied before SCISSORS can easily be taken in as gonzo b-grade camp. On the other hand, there's nothing stopping you from taking it seriously either. I'll leave that up to you. STONE may be embarrassingly amateurish in this, but if you can take your eyes off her you're a bigger man then me. STEVE RAILSBACK plays twins, can I stress that enough? Twin movies are always of interest and I have to say the twin effects, though not DEAD RINGERS caliber, are still pretty impressive.
Anyway if you want to watch a movie that reeks of crazy and is a smidge trashy but is also undeniably easy on the eyes and you're a fan of overdone set pieces and visuals and can ignore giant gaping holes in logic, you have to check out SCISSORS; it's like visiting another planet for 105 minutes. I'm not sure how long SCISSORS is going to be on Netflix streaming so check it out as soon as possible and spread the word (especially to fans of Italian cinema.) Whatever you do though, please don't run while you watch it!
Hatchet 2
As someone who requires a heavy body count in my entertainment diet, I appreciated ADAM GREEN's first HATCHET movie for its direct approach. It didn't have an original bone in it's corpse but at least it was committed to reveling in gore and rejected the sport of leading the viewer on. A cinematic slasher booty-call, the bloody goods were available for the taking if you were willing to forgo anything deep. The objective may have been to provide a loving throwback to classic eighties slasher films, but the end result was more of an echoing of the fun but diluted sequels that followed them. That's not a jab really, I think I'd take a low budget salute to FRIDAY THE 13th PART WHATEVER over the big budget remake any day of the week. If you want to take me on a walk down VHS memory lane you better be willing to get gritty, get bloody and most importantly drop the gloss. HATCHET II is no improvement over GREEN's first trip to the swamp but it may be slightly more worthwhile. Don't thank GREEN for that though, thank DANIELLE HARRIS.
HATCHET II, like any considerate sequel, begins at the exact point the first movie ended but miraculously, through the art of behind the scenes severed relationships, DANIELLE HARRIS replaces TAMARA FELDMAN as the surviving lead. What that means is that if you're looking for an objective review of HATCHET II, you have to go elsewhere on account of I might dig it somewhat on the HARRIS factor alone. Say what you will about GREEN (and I will shortly), but he knows how to throw horror fans a bone or two. There's plenty of pander casting in the film already (TONY TODD, KANE HODDER, TODD HOLLAND et al.) but HARRIS (who was replaced once herself in HALLOWEEN 6: THE CURSE OF YOU KNOW WHO) carts around enough heavy duty meta-baggage to keep this sometimes annoying excursion afloat. Besides the fact that I just respect HARRIS for being a non-bimbo scream queen who embraces her horror heritage fully, she's pretty good in this. She's got a more determined aura than usual and even though it's a humorless role once you get a load of what passes for humor in this movie, you'll be thankful. The catharsis she brings to the film's conclusion is a long time coming and is grander than the film itself.
Remember a while back when I was singing the praises of the writing in GREEN's other effort FROZEN? Well, you needn't worry about a repeat of that. I didn't get the humor in this movie at all. It's alienating and crude and I suppose it could be considered another throwback to bygone days, but it's not really broad or winking enough to work as such. I'm thinking a sick goofy tone similar to the SLEEPAWAY CAMP films would have been perfect but there's nothing in HATCHET II nearly as clever. I don't have a particularly sophisticated joke palette, so believe me when I say in that area the film is a lead balloon factory employed by crickets. In other wonky writing news, there's a painfully long and boring assembling the troops scene and frankly, I expect my killer to not be dead a couple more times rather than an 86 minute runtime. I know that's a cliché but I was of the understanding that that was the point of all this. Maniac Crowley's final stomping out works as wish fulfillment if you ever wanted to see Annie topple Michael in ROB ZOMBIE's HALLOWEEN movies, but this venture is already hanging on too many coattails.
I may be asking too little of movies that sometimes my only requirement is to not feel like I've been mugged in an alley when the credits roll but that's where I'm at with HATCHET II. For me, there's a permeating odious glibness that insures I'll never be passionate about it but it earns a certain space of interest just by throwing every possible horror fan hand job against the wall and watching the Pavlovian puppies roll. Some of this stinks to high heaven, but GREEN is clearly making the film that he as a fan would like to see and I commend that; thankfully some of the stuff he wants to see I want to see too; that would be imaginative no holds barred gore and DANIELLE HARRIS. I'd give him a MERCEDES MCNAB star too but the hermaphrodite joke she's required to utter kind of cancels that out. I guess ultimately this sequel is serviceable filler if you're in need of the red stuff. GREEN's FROZEN makes me know better than to write him off completely but you might be better off not thinking of this as a real movie but more as a complacent, shrug-off goof with the bonus of an upgrade in the final girl department.
