I know everybody says Karma is a bitch but I don't think Karma is nearly bitchy enough. I will say this about Karma though…lazy, lazy, lazy. Give lameazoid Karma a helping hand by identifying these ten images from ten films where people get their just desserts crammed in their deserving faces!
Oh the majority. There's a reason why the majority should not have the power to vote on the civil rights of others. The majority has a crappy track record. The majority thought slavery was a super idea and this one time, at band camp, the majority thought that women shouldn't be allowed to vote. Who has the audacity to both nail groovy Jesus to a cross AND burn witches at the stake in his name? That goobly gobbly gelatinous blob the majority that's who! Benefits of joining this club include never having to feel shame or remorse and never having to feel personally accountable for your actions. Jump on in, the water is oblivious! How's that whole "people are basically good." thing working out for you Anne Frank? My mistake, the majority didn't snag you, you died of Typhus. Even the best concentration camps can do little to curtail a typhus outbreak.
The majority of the students at Carrie White's school think she's creepy. Strawberry blonde is just a polite way to say "borderline ginger" and ick, she's all insecure and shy. Don't you just hate people who don't reek of their own self-satisfaction? Her house is a joke, her mom is a loon and her dad, somehow unclear about the sanctity of straight marriage, abandoned her ass years ago. She's vulnerable, she bleeds and she's all alone. What choice does the majority have but to take advantage of the situation and rip her to shreds? Remember, if you want to be all safe and snug in the majority you better be able to identify who's NOT in the majority. Just look around for somebody who's having a harder time in this world than you are and proceed to make their life worse.
Speaking of majorities, let's say you gimme some of that old time religion (it's good enough for me!) Please don't be offended my devout friends, I know not all believers are hypocrites who wear the mask of God to do the devil's work. Personally, I bring a basketful of faith with me to every funeral I attend. (Lye has many wonderful uses too but it's not recommended that you throw into someone's face.)
In Carrie White's world we're not talking about religion but the abuse of religion, the way religion is used as a tool to keep certain people underfoot. Momma White has a clear "don't ask don't tell" policy about telekinetic powers and the idea that Carrie is a sinner due to her sexuality is constant. Thanks to mom's favorite book Carrie spends a lot of time in a closet. Yep, it may be more than strong female characters and campy dirty pillow talk that keeps the gays coming back to this STEPHEN KING story.
See what's happening here? Maybe I shouldn't have watched CARRIE right after I read about yet another bullied gay teen committing suicide. It keeps bleeding into my piece! On second thought, I doubt my timing was a random accident either. After reading about yet another bullied teen committing suicide some spark must have ignited in the back of my head that said, "Time to watch CARRIE!" BRIAN DePALMA's eternal asshole roast always makes me feel so much better.
Not only does the majority of the cast deservingly die horrible deaths in CARRIE but it's also just such a brilliantly crafted film. I swear the score alone makes me levitate. Is there even a weak link moment in CARRIE? I used to think it was the fast forward tuxedo purchase scene but I've come to appreciate that bit as a needed bubble of relief between the torturous Christ crawl beginning and the cathartic flaming blast of divine retribution close. When did this movie stop being a horror movie to me and start being my very own gospel? If Carrie White burns in hell then hell is located in my heart.
Back to teens gay or otherwise being bullied to commit suicide. Oh wait, I'm sorry one recent kid who killed himself was only 11 so he was not really a teen at all. Let's just say kids, kids in our schools that go to our churches and live under our roofs killing themselves because we fail to instill within them the basic self love not to. Kids killing themselves because they live in a world where it's acceptable to believe that some people have more worth than others, a world that tells them that outnumbering is the same as being right and that morality is measured by the pound.
Sorry, sometimes I forget my second class citizen status and I get all, what's the word? Uppity. It's only that I can see the graffiti on the wall from here. Eventually one of these bullied kids is not going to be satisfied politely offing themselves in a corner and are going to spin their torrent of rage outwardly. Then when enough of the "worthwhile" kids are lying in their own blood we'll start that conversation again about the effects of violence in movies and video games. Frankly I'm sick and tired of my favorite genre being in the hot seat because a majority of people spoon-feed hate to their offspring for breakfast every morning. Hey, I don't mind jumping off the sidewalk for your twin pod cloud car baby carriage but if we're going to dumb down our entire culture for the sake of "the children" can I at least have some insurance that your lil' entitlement dolls aren't just more bigots in training?
NOTE: I have many friends with kids and I'm consistently impressed with the progressive values that they consciously instill in them. If you are a responsible parent, I'm not talking about you. In fact, I thank you and recognize you as THE MOST important factor in the solution to this fucked-up epidemic.
What was I talking about? Oh yeah CARRIE. Am I the only one (God forbid) that watches CARRIE as revenge porn? Scratch that, "revenge" is such an ugly word. I should say "retaliation" porn. "Retaliation" sounds more like designer perfume. Why does this movie that I found so frightening in my youth now only feel empowering? Even the film's hand from the grave ending, which once upon a time nearly made me piss my pajamas, I now read as a triumphant promise that Carrie's fury will remain long after her death. By film's end Sue Snell, the lone survivor has amassed far more than the gruesome memories of prom night; she is now and forever acquainted with the depths of Carrie's previously unacknowledged torment. (According to CARRIE 2: THE RAGE, Snell took that knowledge and put it to good use becoming a high school guidance counselor.) Sue Snell and her problematic empathy, whatever did Tommy Ross see in her?
So where does the horror lie in CARRIE? This ship doesn't sail by the power of our fears of not fitting in does it? That seems lame. Overzealous religious folks like Carrie's mom are off-putting but they're pitiable more than anything else. Maybe CARRIE works because it ignites the collective mob's cowardly worry that someday they'll pick the wrong witch to lynch and it is they who will burn. As far as I'm concerned Carrie White should be the patron saint of every bullied teen (or kid) out there. She may have ended up crushed beneath the wheel, but what religious figure worth their Red Sea salt doesn't? Yes, she brings down a world of destruction but every decent Bible story ends the same way. I believe it's truly tragic that the wonderful Miss Collins gets shortened at the hip but I can't blame Carrie for her perceptions being a bit off. Having your dreams met with a bucket of pig's blood is bound to distort your view.
I don't (officially) condone violence as the answer to anything and I'm aware of the contradiction of pushing Kumbayah sentiments while watching P.J. SOLES' eardrum get ruptured by a wayward (and pregnant with Civil Rights movement history) fire hose but sorry, I can't help but get giddy when oppressors reap what they sow. Thank you Carrie White for getting me through the rough patches (no matter what my age) with your cathartic house cleaning skills. At this point, if you ever pop your hand out of the grave around me, I swear to God, I'm only going to want to shake it.
Tommy Ross, close us out with your awesome (and Carrie White approved) poetry!
"What are you going to leave for us,
you people in your cars,
spewing pollution into the air?
You people with heavy feet
trampling down the wilderness.
You people who peer into the back seats of our cars,
hours after you come out of the back doors of your motels.
Soon, all we will have is each other,
and that could be enough.
If you will let us have room enough,
and air enough, and peace enough
to love each other as you never could."
Hi there, I love your site and it's great reading about the scares that other people got when they were kids. My little story is a bit different though, I was probably about 7-8 years old, and whilst a few other things did scare the hell outta me back then (CHUCKY) this experience showed to me that the world is a lot more real and frightening than some orange hair doll.
I can't remember the premise of the movie, only that it was set in the future on a space ship, the crew was I think mostly if not, all male, this leads me to the scene that would make the world a whole lot more real to me at such a young age. There was a young man taking a shower, which was in a communal bathroom, you can see on his face that he is nervous and not comfortable with his surroundings, then an older man enters the room to shower as well. Now my memory is a bit hazy but I think I remember up until that point there was an uneasy one-sided sexual tension between the two characters, the older man wanting the younger one.
This all comes into fruition when he enters shower, then attacks and rapes the young man, now you don't actually see the rape, just a cut to the outside of the ship and the screaming of the young man but it is clear enough what went down.
At that age I was learning all about "stranger danger" at school and that "bad things" can happen to you if your not wary about strangers, this brought home the point, after seeing this movie I was paranoid for a long time about men I didn't know, each one of them could be JUST like the man from the movie. Real predators just waiting for their chance to get me cornered and do god knows what to me. It also made me realize that real life can be more sad and frightening than anything my young mind could imagine.
If anyone out there knows which movie I'm talking about it would be great to see what left such an impact on me as a kid.
Thanks!
Vince
UNK SEZ:: Vince, I'm going with 1990's MOON 44 which was directed by ROLAND EMMERICH who later went on to do INDEPENDENCE DAY and STARGATE. MOON 44 stars such notables as MALCOLM MCDOWELL, MICHAEL PARE and FRIGHT NIGHT's STEPHEN GEOFFREYS. I'm not sure all the details fit perfectly but it sounds like a match to me. Check out the trailer below and tell us if it rings any trauma bells!
Dear Kindertrama,
I have a very clear memory of a movie I watched as a child. It may have been of a scientist tinkering with human nature, but my memory is that a man, having a severe itch on his shoulder, scratches and scratches and then one day he wakes up, looks in the bathroom mirror, and an eyeball has popped out on his shoulder. Eventually, an entire head grows out of his shoulder, and by the end of the movie the entity and the man literally split in half into two separate people.
I can't say that this traumatized more than it fascinated me, as I watched it at least a few times. Do you guys have any idea what movie this is? Thanks for any help.
Karen
UNK SEZ: I think I might have this one Karen! I'm guessing it's 1989's HOW TO GET AHEAD IN ADVERTISING!
P.S.: Thanks to CLASSIC-HORROR for sending you our way!
UNK SEZ: Don't forget kiddies, ELVIRA's MOVIE MACABRE returns to television tonight! Investigate over HERE to find out what channel it's playing on in your neck of the woods. Tonight's movie is GEORGE ROMERO's NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD and if you miss it, you will cry like JULIANNE MOORE!
Hold on to your lunch. I have to talk about stuff occurring that is not horrible and depressing and, in fact, makes me happy. I know, the thought makes me uncomfortable too. It is all very unseemly but we can get through this bubble of non-hell together. Soon things will be back to the normal drudgery I promise. I feel so jolly right now that I'm convinced a car is being manufactured somewhere in the world that will ultimately crash into and kill me. You know how the universe works.
Here goes. I wasn't going to say anything but then I realized that not everybody is on the Twitter so they may have missed this slice of cosmic fortune. See that new Halloween header at the top of the page? See that ROB ZOMBIE quote up there? I didn't make that up during a late night drinking binge as you might suspect. That's the real deal. Yes, ROB ZOMBIE tweeted about good old Kindertrauma! He came upon my impassioned H2: Director's cut review and he appreciated my appreciation. Is that not gold?
I know there are both crab trees and Evil-lyns out there thinking, "Sure he likes your review because you love his movie!" to which I say, "Oh, you poor sad, misguided…dumb-dumb. It's not about the love, it's about the understanding." ROB and me are now super best friends forever and you're just going to have to get used to it. Your jealous scorn only tightens our bond.
Seriously though how cool is that? How satisfying to know that my ramblings reached the one who inspired them. I'm just sad that I've already written two reviews for H2 because frankly I'd like to write five more. Maybe I will.
I wonder what the hell my horoscope predicted for last weekend. Did it say, "You are about to encounter greatness" or "Your self delusions are about to hit a fever pitch."? You see, I also encountered the one and only JENNIFER RUBIN! I'll let that ferment in your brain a tad.
Yes! Aunt John and I went to the fanciest town in the universe, Baltimore, to hob knob with the rich and infamous last weekend at a MONSTERMANIA convention. We finally got to meet the Miss Yvonne of our playhouse AMANDA BY NGHT in person for the very first time. If you follow kindertrauma you're surely familiar with Amanda from her multiple Funhouse hosting stints, her informative comments and her non-stop enthusiasm. I have to thank Amanda for showing A.J . and me around and introducing us to her cool friends including but not limited to DANIEL FARRANDS who did such an incredible job with that NEVER SLEEP AGAIN : THE ELM STREET LEGACY documentary ( if you haven't seen it yet change that.) It was a stellar weekend and a great time was had by all.
That song you hear growing louder in your head is Lakme because this trip to glamorous Baltimore was fate's way of bringing JENNIFER RUBIN and I together at last. O.K. I know this picture is weird and it looks like RUBIN is a lifeguard who drug a drowned victim out of a swamp but what can I do? God was obviously watching both Howdy Doody and NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD when he decided to invent me.
See in this picture I'm reserved and relatively normal but hours later I'll bump into RUBIN in the hotel bar and tell her everything that has always needed to be said. Things like you are a way better actress than that too cool to show up for an ELM STREET 3 reunion PATRICIA ARQUETTE and that BAD DREAMS is better than all but two of the ELM STREET sequels. I stand by both of those statements. Luckily AUNT JOHN caught the legendary meeting of JENNIFER RUBIN and UNKLE LANCIFER on video and the clip is below…
All right, that's it. Enough about me and my frenetic mania that will soon inevitably come to a crashing halt. let's see what's going on around the interwebs…
B-SOL of VAULT OF HORROR saw the new I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE remake and his thoughts are HERE!
VICAR of VHS caught ATTACK OF THE BEAST CREATURES which I've always wanted to check out and have neglected to HERE!
My pal Christine from FASCINATION WITH FEAR goes a little psycho HERE!
ARBOGAST does something beautiful with graveyards HERE!
Funhouse winner BILLY V. suggests you get right over HERE!
ZOMBIES ARE MAGIC talks about one of my favorite movies HERE!
NOW KINDLY UNDO THESE STRAPS cracks me the hell up HERE!
And last but not least AUNT JOHN insists that I show you the ad below…
UNK SEZ:: Hey look it's an AMERICAN VAMIRE FUNHOUSE! How many vampire movie posters do you recognize? Thanks to our pals at DC COMICS somebody out there will win the nice new hard cover book that collects the first five issues of AMERICAN VAMPIRE by SCOTT SNYDER, RAFAEL ALBUQUERGUE and some dude named STEPHEN KING! Get your fangs out and good luck to all!
I think I was the exact wrong age to appreciate INVADERS FROM MARS when it crashed into theaters. I was too old to take it seriously and too young to take it humorously. Now that I'm in my introspective, open-minded post-prime you'd think I ‘d be able to rediscover it as a diamond in the rough but nah, same as ever, my patented me-likey meter still reads "not so much." Yep, I'm saying my TOBE HOOPER love train jumps a smidge off the track with INVADERS FROM MARS but that's O.K. What's a romance without a splash of apathy?
On paper we're made for each other, INVADERS, based on the 1953 classic of the same title, is basically a kid's eye view of INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (the original INVADERS actually predates SNATCHERS.) The material can't help but capture a specific and crucial time in any adolescent's life when they begin questioning the motives of their parents and start forming their own perceptions of the world. If you can find a decent copy of it (good luck with that) the original is a trippy mind-bending maze of forced perspectives that functions like a pint-sized, paranoid WIZARD OF OZ. There may be some movies that shouldn't be remade but this isn't one of them. Every generation deserves their very own INVADERS FROM MARS.
HOOPER gets some important things right in his re-do. He's able to modernize the tale without completely evaporating the previous take's naiveté and who knows better how to collide the everyday with the bizarre? We're invited into a picturesque home with a cartoon picket fence and doesn't that hilly pathway in the backyard look like it leads directly to Munchkin land? It's a hokey patchwork paradise but no worries, we're dealing with a remake of a fifties film so the cardboard ideal makes sense. Some of the visuals really do chime and reverberate. I love how HOOPER transforms a simple window in a child's bedroom into a portal into another world, that's some good stuff. So where does the crystal ball get dropped?
What I like about the HOOPER is his looseness but yep, that's his downfall too. The second half of INVADERS is as slack as a wet noodle. Plus, I can't believe I'm saying this about the guy who directed THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, but I think he can be too lenient with his performers. Was he afraid to ask for a second take from this bunch?
TIMOTHY BOTTOMS and LOUISE FLETCHER get it right the first time but some of the other apparently on the D.L. thespians here need discipline! I appreciate that HUNTER CARSON is not your typical precocious Hollywood imp but sometimes he sounds like he's reading the back of a cereal box. Furthermore, like any self-respecting horror fan I've saved room for KAREN BLACK in my last will and testament but in my opinion she is miscast here. She's too transtasticly fierce to pull off a fumbling schoolmarm/nurse. Is it too late for her and LARAINE NEWMAN who plays the kid's mom to switch roles?
What's that you say Aunt John? It IS too late for that? 24 years too late in fact? Fine, it was just a suggestion. A suggestion that made absolute sense considering BLACK is CARSON's real life mommy and that she can play creepy better than nearly anyone but hey, who listens to me? What do I know?
All right, enough with the negative. I didn't start writing because I needed to find a new way to bitch (…or did I?) INVADERS FROM MARS is fun. Not terribly fun but fun enough. My eyes glaze over a bit when the military gets involved but that's not exclusive to this movie. I only enjoy the military in movies when they are fighting giant ants. I think this movie is worthwhile just for LOUISE FLETCHER really. She doesn't need to steal scenes, people just hand them over to her and then thank her for the privilege of being robbed.
I'm thinking there's plenty out there who get warm fuzzy nostalgia vapors over INVADERS and I don't begrudge them that in the slightest. Its got its fair share of fumbled opportunities and foul balls but it's a kid's movie that's willing to get dark and twisted and that is always welcome here. I might suggest watching RETURN TO OZ instead but I used to make my Han Solo and Princess Leia action figures get married (with Chewie as the best man) so you might want to ask somebody cooler than me.
Wait, wait, in the words of CURT COBAIN, I have a new complaint. Nice job on the Martian monsters recently departed and forever will be missed STAN WINSTON, but it's painfully obvious that you made exactly and only two (not counting the leader-brain). They keep dying and reappearing but you only ever see two at a time! You and TOBE couldn't get together and figure out something with split screens or blue screens or miniatures or something? How about a mirror? A simple mirror would have worked. Two does not seem like very many monster costumes to me. I think there were at least three Sleestak suits in LAND OF THE LOST. I guess that's probably the least of INVADERS problems but I'm just saying…
You know what? The sand whirlpool thing works better in the original and that's not really acceptable either…
So, INVADERS FROM MARS is not my favorite HOOPER movie by a long shot but it'll do in a pinch. Like a pop-tent without a pole I suppose you can squirm in there to get out of the rain if you have to, but a little more ingenuity and whip cracking would have made a universe of difference. It's starts well and I admire its intentions, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I went from happy to nappy before the end and I mean the FINAL end because there are like, three endings. Yes, this movie has more endings than it does monster costumes and that's never a good idea. Still, LOUISE FLETCHER, she undeniably owns.
UNK SEZ:: Will this be too easy or too hard? How well do you know your sci-fi? Special kinder-thanks go to the indispensable BADMOVIES.ORG for image #10 as my personal DVD was acting ornery! Good luck, kinder-space cadets!
