Author: unkle lancifer
Horror Digest Funhouse-O-Vision Part II : Andre's Revenge

Andre of the HORROR DIGEST is back with some more television images for you kids to identify! This time your Unk threw in a couple of images of his own too! We'll both be on hand as co-hosts if you should need us. Good Luck!














Kinder-Spotlight:: Suck & Moan: Episode One

Hey Kids, It's time for the very first episode of SUCK & MOAN the vampire vs. zombies series produced by Kinderpal JOEL BRYANT (BABY BLUES). Check it out below and visit the official website HERE!

Blood and Lace (1971)

Netflix streaming is blowing my mind as of late. I keep stumbling across movies not available on DVD and in the case of BLOOD AND LACE, never released on VHS either. It was probably nearly a decade ago that I went on a mad search for this vaporous movie. I eventually ended up with a bootleg tape whose image was so gray and vague I couldn't even watch it. That was then and this is now. The version I just witnessed, thanks to Netflix, is widescreen and as crispy bright as an acid flashback. Can you believe that once upon a time Netflix and I hated each other? Now look at us! I totally understand why dogs hump legs.
So besides unavailability, what's so special about BLOOD AND LACE? (Not an especially helpful title by the way!) Check this out….

It opens with a P.O.V. murder. The killer enters a kitchen, opens a drawer and yanks out the weapon of choice. They then proceed to go upstairs to complete their nasty chore. How can you not think of HALLOWEEN?

A young girl wakes up to find a man looming over her with a burned face and a shocking red shirt. Everyone tells her that it was only a dream. I'm telling ya, it's straight out of A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET.

Human bodies are treated like meat and stored in a freezer sort of like in THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE.

The big crazy is a woman of a certain age played by a Hollywood veteran just like a little movie called FRIDAY THE 13th!

What's so fascinating about all that is that BLOOD AND LACE is from 1971! (The copyright on the actual film is 1970.) Now, I don't want to accuse anybody of copying anybody's homework so let's just say the collective unconscious works in mysterious ways. In any case, this movie couldn't be more ahead of its time and it can't stop doing the Nostradamus boogie!

Of course, BLOOD AND LACE is not for everybody. It's acting is amateurish in spots, the story and the character's behavior push credibility often and the whole business is drive-in trashy. The soundtrack, which comes across as random records being played, is the biggest drawback and could possibly be blamed entirely for this movie missing the appreciation that it deserves. Personally, I don't mind any of those factors too much and I don't think any other fans of seventies cinema will either. This is the type of movie that would never get off the ground today; it's grim, sleazy, gory, startlingly perverse and believe it or not, PG (well, GP to be exact).

After Ellie Masters (adorable yet sturdy MELODY PATERSON) witnesses her by all (and I do mean ALL) accounts whorish mother's brutal bludgeoning via hammer, she is sent to a group home (apparently specializing in rather old-looking kids.) The orphanage is ruled over by a sadist named Mrs. Deere (a fantastically off-putting GLORIA GRAHAME) and her knuckle-dragging goon of a handyman, Kredge. It's the kind of place where escape is discouraged with cleavers chopping off hands, starvation-torture and being frozen alive in a meat locker. Ellie, no chump, knows something's fishy and every revelation she comes across is more lurid than the last. Look for appearances by ALICE's VIC TAYBACK, SEINFELD's "Unkle Leo" LEN LESSER (as Kredge) and a young DENNIS CHRISTOPHER (IT, FADE TO BLACK). You'll thank me later for not revealing much more.

The way I see it, BLOOD AND LACE shares more than just a freezer in common with THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE in that the tune it's humming seems to be a requiem for the idealism and hopefulness of the sixties. The trapped teens we find throughout dream of a freedom just beyond reach but ultimately wake up to the odious conclusion that the callous constructs created by the previous generation are impossible to scale over. In one of the films most lingering moments the youth, when presented with an actual chance to flee, stand motionless and passive. It's as if they've come to the conclusion that there really is no escape and that the outside world offers them nothing more. Similar to the NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET series, adults are consistently shown as corrupt, covetous, cruel and predatory. The evil Mrs. Deere even taunts Ellie with the ultimate curse that one day she will be like her.

This is some gritty dark twisted material and yet it's sometimes filmed like a bright sparkling seventies Coke commercial. If you're a fan of grindhouse and cult cinema, you're sure to snuggle up fast. It's quite an unusual mix of innocence and salacity and though it's on the surface crude and exploitative, I think it ends up saying something pretty interesting about how one generation goes about limiting and crippling the next. As blunt and brutal as BLOOD may be, the real nightmare here is the woebegone pessimistic dread that the young can never free themselves from the enslaving patterns they inherit from the old. Well, that's the movie I saw anyway.

BLOOD AND LACE is the one and only film directed by PHILIP S. GILBERT which is a real shame. Even though its low budget impedes, its soundtrack is atrocious and it's sometimes unintentionally comical, I'm head over heals with how unabashed it is about rattling its ribald chains. Its slip may be showing but its flirty attraction to the grotesque is inspiring. If you ask the person named me, this is one genuine lost classic so forward-thinking that it's able to predict the future of horror both on and off the screen.


Horror Digest Funhouse-O-Vision!

We interrupt our regularly scheduled Kindertrauma Funhouse with an emergency transmission from HORROR DIGEST! Yes, our old pal ANDRE DUMAS is back with ten film images that must be deciphered. Do you recognize these films within films? Guess away and let special funhouse guest host ANDRE help you along the way! Make sure you also check out ANDRE on her home network HERE!











Sugar Hill (1974)

I'm beside myself with enthusiasm for the 1974 supernatural zombie blaxploitation flick SUGAR HILL. My life before viewing it now seems to be, in retrospect, a sham. One time STARSKY AND HUTCH regular MARKI BEY is both ice cool and fiery fierce as Diana "Sugar" Hill, a woman scorned and reborn as a voodoo vigilante in a killer pantsuit. When Sugar's best beau refuses to sell his groovy nightclub "Club Haiti" to the mob he ends up beaten to death by goons in his own parking lot. Outnumbered and determined to even the score (and then some) Sugar gets by with a little help from her new friends; a geriatric voodoo virtuoso, a top hat wearing, trickster phantom and plenty of silver eyed-cobweb cloaked zombies. No difficulty knowing whom to root for here.
So I guess I thought I was going to enjoy SUGAR as an ironic hoot. I thought I'd bask in its hokiness, take in its eyeball busting fashions and smirk at the corn. Instead I found myself absolutely and fully entertained on every level. It does have a makeshift low budget air and the clothes and acting styles are of a different dimension but that doesn't curtail the movie from being a hundred percent engaging. The plot doesn't involve much more than following Sugar around on her EC COMICS inspired revenge spree but SUGAR has got atmosphere and attitude up the wazoo. Foggy, swampy and colorful, it also contributes a refreshingly original take on the living dead. Let's take a closer look at why I'm all bitten and smitten…

DIANE "SUGAR" HILL
MARKI BEY may lack the overall gravitas of icon PAM GREER but in many ways she's more down to Earth approachable too. Once Sugar gets rolling she's an unflinching comeuppance machine and she delivers her BUFFY-esgue pre-stomping quips like a seasoned pro. When asked how strong her hate is Sugar says, "As strong as my love was, my hate is even stronger." That's my type of woman!

MOMMA MAITRESSE
I have a real issue with actress ZARA CULLY and that issue is that I think she is the funniest person who ever lived. Yes, that's mother Jefferson from THE JEFFERSONS and I could not be happier to see her.
Maitreese is a bit reluctant to get her voodoo on initially but as soon as she sees the results of her mojo, she's all ear to ear smiles (as well she should be). The zombie awakening scene in SUGAR HILL is a showstopper and brings to mind both CHILDREN SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS and MICHAEL JACKSON's THRILLER.

BARON SAMEDI
DON PEDRO CULLY's turn as the fantastically frocked God of the dead "Samedi" is a twisted treat and a half. Samedi appears at will, in many a guise and is a master of lascivious mischievousness. Imagine Candyman and Freddy Kruegar combined under one top hat and then wonder forever why SUGAR remains without a sequel.

VALENTINE
Just because Sugar's main squeeze is recently departed doesn't mean she doesn't have time for romance. RICHARD LAWSON appears as Sugar's old flame "Valentine" who suspects foul play but can't possibly imagine the "fowl" play reality of an animated voodoo killer chicken claw. If LAWSON looks familiar to all you horror fans out there, you might recall him donning a striped sweater in the classic POLTERGEIST.

MORGAN
If you're looking for a big baddie with some full-fledged horror cred, how can go wrong with ROBERT QUARRY? QUARRY's resume includes COUNT YORGA, VAMPIRE and THE RETURN OF COUNT YORGA plus he starred in both DOCTOR PHIBES RISES AGAIN and MADHOUSE with VINCENT PRICE! Like all good revenge flicks SUGAR saves Morgan's demise for last and squeezes as much satisfaction out of it as possible.

ZOMBIES
Oh, how I love the zombies in this movie. They're less the decrepit rotty kind you'd find in a ROMERO movie and more the pissed off phantasmal kind like you'll find in CARPENTER's THE FOG. Their eyeballs look like silver ping-pong balls sliced in half and they come covered in cobwebs and accessorized with shackles and machetes. These guys are somehow both silly and strangely scary and I will never not like that combo.
THEME SONG
If I had my way it would be mandatory for every horror movie to have a theme song. SUGAR HILL has a doozy in THE ORIGINAL's SUPERNATURAL VOODOO WOMAN! What a great way to instantly get in the mood!

IN CLOSING
What more encouragement do you need to visit SUGAR HILL? Although hard to track down on DVD, SUGAR is currently available on NETFLIX streaming. This is ghoulish fun that packs a punch while retaining a gleefully morbid sense of humor. It's perfect for the Halloween season and fans of CREEPSHOW and TALES FROM THE CRYPT should be doubly pleased with just how sweet SUGAR's vengeance can be.
My Soul To Take (2010)

Hmmm. While watching MY SOUL TO TAKE all I kept thinking was that the direction was serviceable and that the acting was passable but whoever wrote the script needs to be diagnosed and medicated appropriately as soon as possible. Now as I look on the IMDb I see that the writer of SOUL is none other than my darling, my hamburger, WES CRAVEN himself. MR. CRAVEN, if you should be reading this, I'd like you to stop right now and go HERE until I am done.
Is he gone? Are you sure? Oh, my God you guys I am SO GLAD to be home and far away from that movie. It was driving me bonkers. It's just non-stop jabbering from beginning to end, exposition on top of exposition over and over and over again. Rules and numbers and ifs and maybes and blah blah blah. One guy actually falls out of a closet gutted and then is forced to explain how he ended up there for twenty minutes as he dies. "I was coming to see you and then this happened and then that happened and I thought maybe this but then it turned out to be that and then I went over there and you made a sound over there and then…" Holy shit, I get that you are NOT the killer just die already and peace out.
From the very get go we're thrown detail upon detail and are delivered nonsensical procedures that if not done properly will result in this or maybe that and are you familiar with the California Condor? Allow me to read you the Wikepidia page on The California Condor. When the actors aren't squawking then the radio or television is on doing the same thing in the background. It never ends. Now some of this may have been intentional as a way for WES to show what it might be like to have voices in your head all the time but still, I've seriously just taken an Excedrin anyway. Please don't ask me to tell you the plot of this movie because I just can't bear to go over the convolutions again.
It's not scary at all. Well, that's not entirely true, there was a period where I was scared that I myself may be going crazy or perhaps that somebody had put some drugs in my DR. Pepper. Maybe I'm just getting too old. Am I really old now? Everybody in this movie looked like a troll doll and spoke like a gnome. I guess I can accept that somebody might call somebody on their cell phone while running in the woods from a killer after seeing their friend dead but would they call the person who they think is chasing them? I just think that I would concentrate on running. Am I crazy, maybe I'm going crazy?
You know what? I liked the woods. There are a lot of woods in this movie and I liked going there. The look of the movie was kind of nice and autumn-y and the main guy in it was pretty good too. He's supposed to be an innocent "angel" that looses his wings and WES put these two gashes on his back so that was a nice touch. He may have had some gay thing going on with his friend but I always think that when two guys hug in a movie while one is stabbing the other that they really should just get a room already. His sister was pretty.
Oh, well c'mon it's not that serious. We all know WES right? He's the guy who followed up NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET with THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2 and DEADLY FRIEND! Ha-ha! He's probably just joking around with this movie. He loves doing movies like this every once in a while. It's kind of like when my little brother and I would put every disgusting thing we could find in a blender and see how gross it would come out. You're not really supposed to like it right? I don't know, maybe it's me. Maybe the whole thing just flew over my head like a California Condor.
No, no, no, no, it's NOT me. It's not me at all. It's YOU WES and you're just going to have to man up and take responsibility for your actions. Since we've got history and I still do LOVE you even with all your faults, I'm going to give you a blurb for your DVD cover: "It's a movie going experience that you won't soon forget…..(cough) try as you might." Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go to sleep now and dream of a wonderful place called "shut your pie hole town".

NOTE: By the way, about half of the stuff you see in this trailer does not occur in the actual film. Do not be sad about that, the movie is long enough as it is.

Frozen (2010)

I know I may judge things too quickly but trust me; I'm always so excited to be wrong. In fact, I wish I could be wrong more often. Wrongness makes me super happy. Late last night I thought I'd catch ADAM GREEN's FROZEN on the pay-per-view. As it started, I thought, "Oh crap, this is a ‘dude' movie, I just paid five bucks for a ‘dude' movie and I'm not in the mood." I like dude movies for sure but sometimes I need a little more than wheelie popping and hackie sack playing from my movie characters. Chances are, no matter who you are, I don't care about your car. Well, I couldn't have been more wrong about the trio of characters that were introduced at the beginning of FROZEN, I thought I was going to hate them and now I can't stop thinking about them.
FROZEN is an arduous experience with an emphasis on experience. As the credits rolled at the end I realized that I was exiting a very different door than the one that I came in through. In a way it kind of brought back memories of the OPEN WATER films (Yes, I even dug the second one) but it really kicks the dilemma and the human element up a few hundred notches (not to mention feet.)
The premise involves two guys, a girl and a soon to be unanimous desperate longing for a pizza place, getting trapped on a ski lift half way up the mountain. With its stagnant setting and limited cast, FROZEN could not have been an easy film to pull off but GREEN certainly does so in spades. There is real suspense here and moments that had me wincing and holding my head in horror. As far as delivering the thrills go, I doubt the screws could have been tightened with better expertise but ultimately we get much more than an endurance test.
I don't want to ruin much here but GREEN, who also wrote the screenplay, does an incredible job with the human element of this film. Imagine THE BREAKFAST CLUB facing death. The nightmare scenario drifts down in such a way that I think anyone could relate. It brings forth moments in life when we realize we really may be up shit's creek and that things may not just magically turn around for the better. We watch and feel the characters come to this horrid epiphany and it's nearly impossible not to put yourself into their ski shoes.

Both KEVIN ZEGERS and SHAWN ASHMORE deliver strong, believable performances as two long time friends facing the end but who the heck is this EMMA BELL? EMMA BELL is frickin' above and beyond amazing in this! She was killing me! I actually wanted to tell her, "Stop!" at one point because I was about to (sniff) lose it! In fact I don't even want to think about it right now, it's a nice day. I'm almost mad about being manipulated in such a way but I think there is so much truth in the dialogue and I know that my mind would be going to the same places that these characters' minds go to in this situation. Really, the direction impresses a lot but the writing even more so.
So, short review because the less you know the better but an overall tip of the wool cap to all involved for making me squirm like a worm and actually making me feel something for some folks I initially wanted to shrug off. Check this one out whenever and however you get the chance. If you think you know the direction that the cold wind is going to blow in FROZEN, let me assure you that you're probably just as wrong as I was.
