kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

House aka Hausu (1977)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I took a trip away from Kindertrauma Castle last weekend and landed in New York. Cops stood on every corner but I also witnessed DEBBIE HARRY on a stroll. Last time I was in this strange city it was not quite as windy and I saw JEFF GOLDBLUM sneeze and JENNIFER JASON LEIGH taking in ALICE NEEL. In other words, every time I go to New York I see someone who has starred in a DAVID CRONENBERG movie. What does it mean? My theory is that New York does not really exist. It is only a dream that I have every time I step onto a Peter Pan bus. The bus driver is my hypnotist. How else can you explain ten dollar beers?

One nice thing about New York is that, unlike post-apocalyptic Philadelphia, they have decent movie theaters. Another plus is that you are less likely to be shot for stepping on somebody's toe and you don't always have to sit next to a crying baby on a cell phone. It's as if the people who go to the movies in New York actually have a desire to watch the film they've paid to see. I think it's kind of fun to go to the movies when it's not the most aggravating experience imaginable and I don't mind spending a few extra dollars on tickets if it means that when I leave the theater my will to live is not in shreds.

Being in New York was my big chance to see THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE, a much ballyhooed movie about a mad German who wants to sew together a butt-to-mouth choo-choo train out of understandably reluctant victims. But wait, the pal I'm visiting tells me of another film playing in the same theater called HOUSE a.k.a. HAUSU (1977) and shows me this trailer on his laptop…

HUMAN CENTI-WHO? Contrary to what you may have read on the bathroom stall, when it comes to choosing between forced butt munching and portraits of Persians who spew blood, I'll always pick the later. The choice was clear I had to see HOUSE; it had a floating decapitated head in it! I know I'm not usually the biggest fan of J-horror but from what I could tell from the trailer this movie had nothing to do with haunted hand-held technology. I could catch up with that crazy German guy later; after the dour NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET remake it was high time your rapidly aging Unk had some G.D. fun. You remember fun, it's that frothy feeling that everything doesn't suck.

One thing is for sure, I would have had a much easier time explaining the CENTIPEDE movie to you. HOUSE is about as unexplainable as they come. Director NOBUHIKO OBAYOSHI tapped his young daughter's head for the film's bonkers content and boy did he find a wellspring. HOUSE has the same type of exuberant, logic-defying power as a kid's drawing. If DARIO ARGENTO took ten tabs of acid and filmed an episode of JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS starring SHONEN KIFE and sporting a soundtrack by ELO it would come out only half as insane as this. HOUSE makes a kaleidoscope look like a monocle. It funnels its giddy cartoon dogma directly into your eyeballs. I promise you, it's pretty much like playing "light as a feather, stiff as a board" with a very high HELLO KITTY. I can't tell you it's scary though, the scariest part of this movie is having to return to the real world when it's done.

In HOUSE you'll meet a teen girl named Gorgeous and her friends Prof (the smart one with glasses), Kung-fu (Sporty Spice), Sweet (the sweet one), Melody (musically inclined) and Mac (the girl who can't stop eating.) The sassy lasses take a super fake train ride under cotton candy clouds to Gorgeous' mysterious Aunt's house. Following them wherever they go is Blanche, a white Persian cat who apparently bought her own train ticket and steals every scene she's in. The Aunt is some kind of crazy witch with a hidden agenda and the house is as alive as the cabin in EVIL DEAD 2.

There is so much going on that it's nearly overwhelming and I'm sure that one viewing will never be enough for most. This is the type of perfect cult movie that you should have on hand to subject your friends to. It's strange and twisted enough to be embraced by horror fans and goofy and weird enough for anybody sick of the usual. Even if my entire trip to New York was not a hallucination, I'll never be completely convinced that my viewing of HOUSE was real. If movies are drugs, this is a potent one and I may never look at my cat the same way again.

NOTE: HOUSE will be released on DVD by Criterion in September and it looks like THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE is currently on IFC pay-per- view (at least here.) Looks like I made the right decision for sure, I can have my possessed cat and eat my HUMAN CENTIPEDE too.

Happy Arbogast Day!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Another year, another Arbogast Day. For those of you who have not been reading kindertrauma since it's inception way back in 1997, every year on the day after Mother's Day we celebrate our ongoing obsession with fellow blogger Arbogast of ARBOGAST ON FILM. We do that by participating in his "The One I Might Have Saved" blog-a-thon that asks bloggers to write an ode for a film character whose death they'd stop if they could.

I personally love the concept behind "The One I Might Have Saved" because I love movie characters. In fact, I may even like movie characters better than "real" people (movie characters never smell and you can mute them.) Arbogast's idea presents a great opportunity to talk about an aspect of cinema that should be discussed more often; how we connect to people through film on a personal level. Anyway, here's my pick for 2010…

LANCE HENRIKSEN "Bishop" ALIENS (1986)

I can't tell you the deep devastation I felt at the moment I first witnessed Bishop's truly shocking death in JAMES CAMERON's ALIENS. (Although his head would go on to do a cameo in ALIEN 3, that does little to weaken the blow.) Here was a character that I grew to love and feel great empathy for over the course of the film. ALIENS is a movie that's difficult to take in lightly; it's an expansive journey that registers as a full experience. By the time the credits roll you have spent some serious quality time with its characters and the investment truly pays off. In the case of Bishop, our perceptions of him change over of the course of the adventure (along with Ripley's.) It's important to note though that Bishop himself does not transform, it's the audiences understanding of him which is altered.

Ripley (SIGOURNEY WEAVER) has proven herself a highly tuned moral compass in the first ALIEN. We trust her without pause to point out the bullshit and lead the way. Because of her negative experience with an android in the first film she takes a clear dislike of Bishop as soon as she learns about that part of his identity. The viewer is meant to hold him with suspicion as well, but we get an early glimpse at his mettle when he declares he prefers to be called the more self-respectful "artificial person" rather than a "synthetic." Our hero Ripley may be prejudiced in the truest sense of word but give her a break, not every bigot has a 57 year coma for an excuse and she does convert her views based on the information she witnesses herself.

We are shown the worst of humanity in the form of the weasely, backstabbing opportunist Carter Burke (PAUL REISER). Bishop, who really does come off as a Zen-like holy man, is shown as his direct opposite. Bishop may be "programmed" to assist and care for humans but he's also programmed for self-preservation. When mid way through the film he volunteers for a mission he's unlikely to survive, there's no question that it's above the call of duty. Not to take anything away from the mostly courageous Marines that loose their lives battling the monster swarm, but as was proven in the first film, it takes more than firepower to survive in the ALIEN universe. Much like Ripley herself, Bishop is a cerebral entity first and an action figure second. He may not carry a weapon but he's smart enough to be in the right place at the right time and he ultimately saves the day.

Like the Replicants in RIDLEY SCOTT's BLADE RUNNER, Bishop forces you to contemplate what makes us human. Considering the behavior of the treacherous Burke we might even wonder if being "human" is anything to be proud of. There's a nobility to Bishop that raises him above those who would call him "false" just because he is different. His sudden evisceration by the Queen Alien, though horrific, is not without its almost crucifixion like beauty. His "otherness" is eventually shown to be an integral strength as even after being torn in half he is still capable of lending Ripley and Newt a life saving helping hand. ALIENS is a rare action movie where a character's actions actually mean something. Bishop allows us to see that being "human" may have less to do with how we are built and more to do with our behavior.

NOTE: At the end of the movie we are shown Bishop's remaining torso being put into sleep along side survivor Cpl. Hicks (MICHAEL BEIHN) so maybe I just wrote this whole thing about someone who didn't die at all. Oh well, he got torn in half for crying out loud, isn't that bad enough?

NOTE 2: Aunt John is at sleepaway camp and can't add his "The One I Might Have Saved" to this year's addition, but I can tell you whom he would have chosen anyway. He was very upset by Megan (GRETA GERWIG)'s death in THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL. He thought the movie really lost something when she died.

NOTE 3: Check out many more "The One I Might Have Saved" tributes at Arbogast's wonderful blog HERE and have a Happy Arbogast Day!

Wes Craven's New Nightmare

Posted on By unkle lancifer

My heart will go on… even if it does suffer from post-Titanic disaster stress disorder thanks to the iceberg Platinum Dunes. Who would have ever thought that Freddy would one day get raped by more maniacs than his ma Amanda? I spent the week floating on an ice cube holding onto Freddy's gloved hand but he finally slipped away. I watched him sink, growing smaller and smaller, darker and darker until…pfft. What followed was a self destructive drunken rampage that if I remember correctly involved my robbing a hamburger joint with ROB LOWE while wearing a bunny mask and then beating the crap out of ALI LARTER for touching my baby, or was I just watching BAD INFLUENCE and OBSESSION back to back? I guess I'll never know. (They say you've bottomed out when you can't remember the night before.)

A wise Kindertrauma commenter suggested that I jump back on the red and green striped saddle again as soon as possible and that's exactly what I did. It turns out that your Aunt John had never seen WES CRAVEN'S NEW NIGHTMARE so I just had to correct that immediately. While watching the film I thought about what I had learned recently from my friends on Elm Street. Why not take the lessons that I gained from the original film and apply them to my current depressive dilemma? I'm not referring to the very tempting act of denial as utilized by the Elm Street parents; I'm talking about Nancy's final a-ha moment when she realized that she was feeding the beast.

So here it goes; NIGHTMARE REMAKE, I take back every bit of energy I ever gave you. You're nothing. You're shit.

Hey, it worked! It's silly to get all bent out of shape when I still have my box set of the originals an arm's length away. In truth, I should thank the remake for reminding me just how much I love them. What was I thinking looking for comfort outside my own DVD collection? The answer was here all the time. (Wow, aren't those the lyrics to "Don't cry for me Argentina?)

Now I'm not saying that WC'S NN is a masterwork or anything. It's silly in spots but it's entertaining as hell and if ideas were popcorn kernels the movie would be jiffy-pop. Aunt John even ended up loving it, which by the way, is not an everyday occurrence. I hate to "out" him on this but his attention span is so short that it was once mistaken for WALLACE SHAWN. (crickets chirp) No? No MY DINNER WITH ANDRE fans reading the blog today? O.K. lets move on because it's time for a love fest. Thanks again 2010 NIGHTMARE, you really did help to remind me of how much I adore the original NOES crew, all of whom shine in the seventh installment…

WES CRAVEN

What a clever and spiritual filmmaker. CRAVEN did more than create a highly effective scare movie with the original film. He created a character and a world that never existed before yet still felt as familiar as your own bad dreams. The sequels that the original spawned may not have been as satisfying, but CRAVEN constructed an open canvas that pushed other filmmakers and writers in creative ways that would not have been possible in any other series horror or otherwise.

I love how in NEW NIGHTMARE he pegs Freddy as a creature that has always existed and has appeared in many forms because that's how I have always felt about him. From the first moment I laid eyes on Krueger I recognized every childhood fear collected in one shadowy form. CRAVEN has created so many classics that it's not easy for NEW NIGHTMARE to rise to the top of the heap but there are few better examples of his ability to push the genre into new territory while still honoring the ancient art of storytelling.

JOHN SAXON

What a guy. Is it any wonder that the three N.O.E.S. movies that SAXON appears in are considered the best? In a series known for it's malleable, topsy-turvy environments, SAXON provides the perfect anchor of lucidity. In NEW NIGHTMARE he plays himself as a nurturing shoulder to lean on but observe as he starts to blend into his onscreen persona, a true pro at work. Yes, I recently included him on my "A-holes of Elm Street" list but really that was just because I wanted to look at his picture.

HEATHER LANGENCAMP

I think my respect for LANGENCAMP's contribution to the original films has grown the most thanks to recent events. I may have made some disparaging remarks about her acting in the past but I'm taking them all back. Maybe her delivery can be a bit awkward at times (sometimes awesomely so) but there's never any doubt about what she's feeling on screen. LANGENCAMP's Nancy Thompson is earthy and humble and fighting to realize her full potential. She's a warrior with a heart of a lamb.

Many of the series other entries delved into the discovery of personal power but it was HEATHER who provided the perfect prototype. Those big blue eyes, that girl-next-door charm, this gal had serious chutzpa and she never had to be showy or vain about her emerging strengths. As played by LANGENCAMP you simply HAVE to route for Nancy, just as you'd route for any exotic creature poised toward extinction.

NEW NIGHTMARE gives her character a chance to expand and share her power maternally (much like Ripley in ALIENS). One can still point out her acting quirks throughout but what's also prominent is her effortless charisma and unique accessibility. Put that up against the robots in the redo and just see who flinches first.

ROBERT ENGLUND

Mr. Irreplaceable. I'm sure there are many fine actors who could give the ol' fedora a good whirl but there's never going to be anybody who can approach what ROBERT ENGLUND has done throughout the series. Maybe some of the sequels got a bit too jokey but could anyone else have held your attention as he did? CRAVEN may have created an incredible character but ENGLUND fuckin' rode that baby like a bronco.

One of the fascinating aspects of NEW NIGHTMARE is that it's forward enough to encompass all aspects of the Freddy character. From his climbing out of the primordial ooze in Craven's head with fairy tale lore still clinging to his shoes to his campy, zeitgeist media infiltration. ENGLUND can play Freddy any way you throw at him and as is hinted at in this film, the line between the performer and the character is difficult to pin down. ENGLUND is married to Freddy and Freddy to him, their marriage may not be recognized in your country or state but it should be. It's a once in a lifetime thing when the stars align and the resulting merge is this sweet and symbiotic, don't question it, just bow before it's beauty.

WES CRAVEN'S NEW NIGHTMARE is a must for any fan or even non-fan of the NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET series. It gives you a rare bird's eye view of the creative process and it's aftermath while still operating as an authentic horror film. The idea of bringing Freddy back to his darker roots was obviously thought of before the remake was ever commissioned and trust me it was done a far sight better in 1994. More importantly, if you're like me and are still trying to scrape the residue of the recent incarnation off your shoe, it's the perfect cure. Maybe there's a purpose for idea-free, emotionless, parasitic films like 2010's A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET after all; they serve to remind you who your real friends are.

Traumafessions :: Reader Craig J. on RCA Video Discs

Posted on By unkle lancifer

You guys have covered most of the bases when it comes to all those things of yesteryear that have stuck with us longer than we would have ever imagined possible. But there's something you haven't touched on yet, and I'd like to know if any others had the same experience with this that I did.

The RCA video disc. These flooded video stores in the early/mid '80's, and I'm pretty certain they began my love of horror movies. Some had the standard covers that appeared on their Beta and VHS brethren, but some had the most vile and twisted cover-displays imaginable. And if you could make it past the cover, lord only knew what awaited you on the backside of the disc.

A couple cases in point: FRIDAY THE 13TH had a standard cover, but I will never forget what happened when you flipped it over–every brutal death displayed like a comic book layout. I'm not sure what they did or how they manipulated it, but the killings seem way gorier than what happens in the film (I think it might have had to do with a more saturated red used in the printing, and the shot of the girl with the ax in her face traumatizers longer and harder in freeze-frame than it does for the couple of seconds in the movie). And PARASITE showed the goods on the cover as the title creature was seen chewing through a leg (I think). These things were like modern-day porno movie packaging that gives away all the money-shots on the cover/back and makes you wonder why you would want to rent the thing when you could just slip it under your coat and high-tail it home.

I have a few of these things framed in my rec-room, but haven't been able to find more than 10 or so, and the great one's remain illusive (does anyone remember that really odd video disc cover for THE THING FROM ANOTHER WORLD?). A friend of mine once found a CD-ROM done by someone who had lovingly photographed every cover and backside of every RCA disc ever released (so I know I'm not alone in loving these things) but it died in his computer and I never got to see it.

I'm sure you guys at Kindertrauma MUST have a fond memory or two to share about these things (along with some images to post…?) 'cause I can't be alone with my memories of the RCA video disc. The strange scotch-tape scent of them mixed with that '80s video store second-hand smoke smell…the gawd-awful quality and image skipping of the actual film…etc.

A Nightmare on Elmzzzzzzzz (2010)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I'm not crying. These are not tears in my eyes. I have allergies. Um, so the new NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET…what's going on here people? Are we going to take this lying down? Oh, you used up all your torches and ammunition last summer on ROB ZOMBIE's lively H2? That's just great. Thanks kids, you ran all the pussy cats out of town and now giant rats roam the streets. Great.

O.K. so here's the thing, I know 1984's NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET had some dubious acting and some of the effects don't hold up too good but I just watched it recently and I can tell you that I still find myself BELIEVING in its story. There's a sense of place, I get who the characters are (even if their acting is questionable) and I'm compelled to want to see what happens to them next. It's just good storytelling.

I don't BELIEVE this new polished and skinned version. I don't believe that girl is in high school, I don't believe she dresses and wears her hair like that, I don't believe that's her house, her mom, her friends. I REALLY don't believe that a preschool would hire a creepy guy like Fred Krueger to be their live-in gardener (?) and to room in the school's basement (?) and that he would have private access to the children. This is a universe that doesn't play by any of reality's rules and yet the entire plot hinges on the destruction of such rules but yet they don't even exist in the first place…

Oh boy, I should try to keep this brief because I'm really beginning to worry about my blood pressure, does my face look red? Let's try this from another angle. I just watched THE ENTIRE ELM STREET series back to back and never once did I feel bored. I may have laughed at how crappy some of the later ones now seem but I never wanted to take a nap instead of finishing one. I've never fallen asleep in a theater either, I think that's an insane thing to do but while watching this recent redo of N.O.E.S. I actually felt sleepy and BORED.

Me, BORED! I thought the frickin' HOUSE OF MIRTH was riveting for Christ's sake. I've seen A PASSAGE TO INDIA like 4 times! Do you get what I'm saying here? Someone was able to make a NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET movie that bored me. (NO LIE: I watched an ant carry a dandelion seed across my back yard yesterday, THAT didn't bore me!) How were you able to bore me new NIGHTMARE? How?

PLATINUM DUNES, do you need help? I mean just tell me if you need help writing your screenplays, don't be embarrassed. I don't have much experience but I do have an actual interest in the material. I think I could write at least one memorable line for Freddy to say. I bet I could do that. I'd even do it for free, you don't have to pay me. You know what? Forget about me. Just open your office door and go outside and grab the first person you see and ask them to do it. I think a random person off the street might be able to give you an original concept or two and has a general idea about how people act and how the world functions.

O.K., forget the script. Who cares right? Things don't have to make sense as long as Freddy is around. Do you mean to tell me that nobody tried to stop you from making Freddy look and sound like the turtle from the TOOTSIE POP COMMERCIAL!?!

Hundreds of people must have witnessed scenes being filmed with this abysmal make up and nobody said anything? No producer stopped by for an hour and just came to the conclusion that it should all be trashed and that you'd have to start all over again? You mean to tell me that everyone working on this movie thought that Freddy looked good? You're just eff'ing with me, I know it. There's no way.

God, remember Freddy's first big appearance in the original where he's chasing Tina, his arms are all spaghetti noodles waving and there's that crazy lurching frisky dash? Freddy is a trickster, a harlequin, a gremlin with a crooked smile. He's a witch, a gnarly twisted chaos demon. Do you get that he's not a whiny turtle? Do you get that much? Please don't tell me that this look is more "realistic" and more accurate to what a burn victim's face looks like because I could give a crap, I could Google images of burn victims if that's what I was after. I want to see Freddy! I know the idea was to make Freddy darker and more serious but no, you just ripped him of all his character. You made Freddy mundane. You made FRAUD-y Krueger!

If I had a time machine I would first kill baby Hitler and then I'd kill baby DAVID FINCHER. I know SE7EN is a decent flick but it has somehow single handedly ruined the lion's share of modern horror. I hate the drab, monotone, faux-gritty, phony baloney bullshit look of this movie. You mean to tell me you're going to depict scenes in a preschool and you can't even make THAT look creepy? All you'd have to do is turn a camera on in a preschool and it would be creepy but Nooooooo, we get gray rooms filled with charcoal black stick figure drawings hanging on the wall. How are we even supposed to feel awed by the nightmare scenes when EVERYTHING, nightmare or not, is filmed the exact same way? Oh my god, I gotta stop, I gotta stop, Elizabeth, I'm coming to join you Elizabeth!!!!

Kruegertrauma Fredhouse!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

UNK SEZ: So I was going to treat you all to a special NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET funhouse on account of it's national Freddy Day but then PART 4: THE DREAM SOMETHING OR OTHER got stuck in my laptop. It's still in there! I even looked to the sky shaking my fists and yelled, "Not this time Krueger!" but it still would not budge. So eventually I gave up trying and went with some poster images (Damn you Krueger!) They'll have to do as I was not about to leave our faithful Funhouse players hanging. So in other words, forgive the lame unoriginality and blame Freddy if it puts you to sleep…

NOTE: I was able to salvage the image below from the original movie. Can I just tell you that I am obsessed with the "kitty takes a trip to San Fran" poster hanging in Roger Rabbit's dream laboratory? I've tried to Google it and find another representation of it but to no avail. I want that poster! Was it especially made for the movie? If so, why? Maybe it's just supposed to make you feel crazy, in that case, well done WES CRAVEN! O.K. good luck kids! If you don't hear from me for a while it's because I'm at the movie movie theater watching you know what. As for now, "School's out Krueger!"

NOTE 2: Wait up there! Aunt John tells me today is not only Freddy Day but beloved Kindertrauma lucky charm MICKSTER's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MICKSTER!!! We heart you always and wish you a nightmare free year!

A Nightmare on A-hole Street

Posted on By unkle lancifer

So I just watched every NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET film back to back and all I have to say (besides what happened to my life?) is…

all the adult residents of Springwood, Ohio are A-holes!

No, it's not because they formed a vigilante mob and burned a man alive, it's not their fault the American judicial system is a joke, and no, it's not because they kept it a secret, nobody likes a braggart. It's because every single second of every day they go out of their way to act as loathsome, nasty and obnoxious as humanly possible. Not for one second do they seem capable of behaving like non-A-holes.

You have to love it, is there any other horror series that exploits the chasm between teenagers and adults as proudly and as prominently as N.O.E.S.?

All of Springfield's adults are horrible. They are what the teens fear becoming: hypocrites, sell-outs, drunken floosies and cold insensitive jerks. The teens depicted seem just as scared of transforming into their parents as they are of being slashed by Freddy the dream demon. No wonder Krueger was able to slip into the role of antihero. He may be a murderous douche but at least he had a purpose and wasn't a soulless cog. (Not only did Freddy have a soul, he collected surplus souls like trading cards.)

I used to think that Freddy Krueger was a personification of the adult residents of Springwood's past mistakes, mistakes that their children must now account for. But "Screw your pass!" as Nancy would say, the adults have more to answer for than just their treatment of Freddy and their amoral behavior is obviously current and ongoing.

The "Mom and Dad just don't understand" bit has been around in horror at least since THE BLOB (1958) but the popular slasher series that predate N.O.E.S. had little interest in it. HALLOWEEN shows adults as ineffectual but still good-natured and the FRIDAY THE 13TH series presented them as, for the most part, the clean up crew after the slaughter. Sure F13's Pam Voorhees was an adult but she was not an established authority figure and the prophets of doom like "Crazy Ralph" had their heart in the right place. Pam Voorhees, like Freddy, at least had a reason to be pissed off, the adult denizens of Springfield have no real excuse for sneering and hissing like Batman villains whenever they get a moment of screen time.

(NOTE: Post N.O.E.S. both other series mentioned adopted the adult as A-hole trope, perhaps to play keep up (F13: PART 7's evil shrink and PART 8's slimy principal/uncle for example or HALLOWEEN 6's abusive Strode patriarch).

"You face things, that's your nature, that's your gift but sometimes you have to turn away too."- Marge Thompson (RONEE BLAKLEY)

The mold was built in the very first NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET. Nancy's mom is a lush and her father is an aloof promise breaker. They're not as diabolical as the parents to come but they are presented as people who, rather than conquer problems, bury and ignore them. Adulthood is shown as an almost zombie-like state of being where desires (dreams) are neatly tucked away and morality is an unaffordable luxury.

"Morality sucks."- Glen Lantz (JOHNNY DEPP)

"Whatever you do, don't fall asleep!" Nancy Thompson (HEATHER LANGENCAMP)

Sleep is the enemy on Elm Street, that's when you become susceptible to the monster your parents built. We all know there's a time period in every teens life in which they learn to begin to question the world around them and how it functions. People tend to make light of it and it's considered idealistic folly that won't last very long. Eventually the teen will have to buckle down, forget such romantic notions and pull their weight. Eventually they'll give into their culture's will. Eventually they'll "grow up."

"I look twenty years old!"- Nancy Thompson (HEATHER LANGENCAMP)

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET was released in November of 1984, a renaissance period for teens in American film. Less than three months later JOHN HUGHES' THE BREAKFAST CLUB would hit screens carrying the line "When you grow up your heart dies." I won't pretend to know what's in the hearts and minds of teenagers these days but it does scare me to think that they may be running toward rather than away from the adult "sleep" that beckons them. Trust me kids, you don't have to hurry to catch up with that bus, another one will be around to pick you up soon enough…

In the original N.O.E.S., sheep can be heard baying on the soundtrack and seen roaming in Freddy's boiler room. We count sheep to go to sleep but sheep are also known for their docility and the ease of which they are herded to follow.

It's easy to mistake the film's first kill to be part of the "sex kills" finger wagging that slasher films are often wrongly accused of. In Tina's (AMANDA WYSS) case though, her death can be seen as retribution for falling not far enough away from the tree. In a brief earlier scene director WES CRAVEN has written a bathroom wall's worth of derogatory implications about Tina's Mom. Ultimately though personal behavior has little to do with your outcome on Elm Street. If you're an Elm Street kid, your parents signed you up for this hell ride years ago.

Freddy is a bad, bad man, I'm not trying to discount that but it's important to remember who created him. Ironically, in the Springwood we're shown throughout the series he does not seem to be the only adult with the goal of destroying children (or childhood) on his to-do list. As the series progresses the implication that the parents we are shown are of the same mind is everywhere and the fear of old age and being forced to follow in the previous generations footsteps becomes more and more wrecking ball obvious. Check out Alice (LISA WILCOX) in NOES Part 4: THE DREAM MASTER…

Hey, I watched all of those movies so I could review them and I totally forgot to do that so here goes: The first one is great and then they all sort of get progressively worse except PART 3: THE DREAM WARRIORS which might be even better than the first one. How's that?

I have to admit I still enjoy the entire series but they don't all hold up exceptionally well (or maybe I'm just getting old.) It's still a massively creative franchise and I feel like I've finally found the ace it had hidden up its sleeve all this time. A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET plays on a teenager's rightful fear of loosing their vitality and optimism, of becoming callous and dispassionate and a weak, fearful member of the herd. Come to think of it maybe that's a fear we should all, at any age, keep firmly in our grip. Maybe we should hold on to that fear with a razor sharp metal glove if we have to…

WAIT: I'm not done yet! I present you with a rogue's gallery of Springwood's awful adults. Thanks go to the ageless Aunt John for my title:

A NIGHTMARE ON A-HOLE STREET!

Vampire's Kiss

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Have you ever been disappointed by a film only to stumble across it decades later and find it to be a head smacking work of absolute brilliance? That's my story with VAMPIRE'S KISS. What was I thinking way back in ‘88 when I shrugged this slice of genius off? I guess young Unk was expecting something different (a straight up horror flick) and was just too rigid to go with the funky flow. Well, a changed mind is an open mind I always say and I'm just glad this flick sauntered back into my life. VAMPIRE'S KISS is not your traditional vampire tale; it's a raven black cult comedy, a portrait of a soul longing to connect while dismantling in the process and a "Wish you here!" post card from late eighties, late night New York. It was written by JOSEPH MINION, the guy who wrote MARTIN SCORSESE's AFTER HOURS and maybe if I was privy to that nugget of info way back when, I wouldn't have been so dense to the film's modus operandi. Truth be told though, I think one needs a bit of life experience, a couple of their own soul sucking vampire encounters, to truly appreciate what's going on.

NICOLAS CAGE is Peter Loew an insecure egoist with some real intimacy issues. Here's a guy who wants to fall in love but fears losing himself in the process. One night stands do little to appease his needs and the only sense of self importance he can attain is through vicious power plays at his yuppie job and temper tantrums performed before his therapist (ELIZABETH ASHLEY). He has an interested, fun-loving romantic interest at his disposal, Jackie (KASI LEMMONS), but his head and heart itch for the acceptance of an unattainable beauty, who rebuffed him, Rachael (JENNIFER BEALS). One night a bat flies into his apartment (is it real? I don't know), and he finds his battle with it more arousing than the available Jackie. Clearly Peter is more excited by the "mortal combat" of love, not the actual attainment of it. From this point on he falls into a pit of fantasy where he is owned and can be loved by a nonexistent vampiric entity. In the made up world inside his head, love is finally possible now that choice and consequences have been obliterated. Peter's fears of being drained by love have transformed him into a life draining monster himself. Eventually, like a snake eating its own tail, he consumes himself.

CAGE broke my heart a long time ago. No, I couldn't take a flight on CON AIR with this once astonishing actor, it just hurt too much. Here he is at his pre-sell out, still has a neck, prime; lanky and ridiculous, flailing about like a stringless marionette and shamelessly mugging for all to see. What a great, fearless, go-for-broke, let the chips fall where they may performance. NICK, all is forgiven and bravo. I know that weirdo is still inside you somewhere. I plan to now seek out THE BAD LIEUTENANT: PORT OF CALL – NEW ORLEANS and to rewatch THE WICKER MAN solely for comedic purposes. I have held a grudge against you for decades and I am now calling a permanent truce. Rank me among your highest supporters…for now.

In contrast to CAGE's intoxicating showboating is MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO as his long suffering secretary Alva. ALONSO delivers such a quiet, restrained alternative to CAGE's manic drooling that the collision of the two approaches is spellbinding. Peter (who even has a photo of KAFKA on display in his office) sends poor Alva on a bureaucratic goose chase that's sometimes uncomfortable to witness but also hilarious. CAGE's excesses are such that I found myself almost hiding behind my hands in sympathetic embarrassment for both parties. It's as if he sends her on an equally fruitless journey as his own out of spite and when her goal is miraculously reached before his, it sparks his final self destructive nose dive.

Director ROBERT BIERMAN deserves accolades for opening every cage in the zoo and for letting the script and the city speak for itself. Downtown New York is really allowed to breathe and be itself on screen yet the visuals never overpower the performances (really how could they?) ELIZABETH ASHLEY as Pete's doctor should also be singled out for delivering some of the film's funniest, most sardonic lines without a wink. VAMPIRE's KISS is currently on HULU and you can watch it for free HERE. Clueless Unk circa 1988 may not recommend it, but I sure as hell do.