kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

Monster-Mania Con 14

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hey look it's me, your Unkle Lancifer standing next to his hero TOM ATKINS star of such classics as THE FOG, HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH and NIGHT OF THE CREEPS! Now, normally I'm a bit apprehensive about meeting my idols, I'm kind of scared that they'll let me down in some way (plus, there's the infamous LORI SINGER facial tick fiasco of ‘82 to consider) but in the case of MR. ATKINS, I just knew he was going to be as genuine and down to earth as he appears on screen and I was 100% correct.

To me, TOM ATKINS has always represented the unheralded coolness of the unpretentious everyman. In his finest roles he's down on his luck, in the wrong place at the wrong time yet perfectly willing to step up to the plate and save the day. He's the hero risking his life intuitively with zero interest in compensation or recognition for his efforts. I can't say that I've ever fully understood the ritual of hand shaking until I met this guy; after growing up with his films and learning to appreciate them further still as an adult, it was just a genuine honor to shake his hand. I met MR. ATKINS at the Monstermania convention in Jersey last Saturday and even though he was my main inspiration for traipsing out during a near hurricane, he was to be the first of several exceptional folks that I was lucky enough to hobnob with.

So I'm sitting at the hotel bar with Aunt John drinking a beer (as designated driver A.J. is responsibly drinking cola) and who should plop right down next to me and order lunch but NEIL AFFLECK "Axel" from MY BLOODY VALENTINE (1981)! Now, if you've seen the film you know Axel is the guy doing the killing, so I'm basically sitting next to Harry Warden himself! Don't worry, I let him eat his lunch in peace but before it arrived I talked his ear off. He told me how much he loved the town they filmed the movie in; that he thought the remake was good; that his daughter has now seen both versions and even about the time his car broke down in a Texas snow storm. NEIL now works in animation and has directed episodes of FAMILY GUY and THE SIMPSONS. He's a super modest, salt of the earth type of guy and a joy to talk to. He was really happy that the remake had brought new attention to the classic film but I informed him that there were many of us who were already crazy about M.B.V. I stopped just short of confessing that the release of the uncut DVD was kinda sorta the high point of my existence on account of I didn't want him to think (know) that I was a weirdo.

Now hours later I'm up at the bar again ordering another beer (don't judge) and a coke for A.J. and this handsome cat is standing next to me and it's STEVE MARSHALL from NIGHT OF THE CREEPS!!! (I swear Aunt John, he said hi to me first!) I told him how much I dug the extras on the recent DVD and how I noticed the obvious camaraderie between he and fellow stars JASON LIVELY and JILL WHITLOW. He said that they really are all best friends and that he and JASON love to tease JILL. In fact he revealed that while on a recent pit-stop into Philly for cheesesteaks they were able to convince her that all of the horses pulling carriages in the city were mechanical robots built by Walt Disney. (Sorry, JILL but that one is too good not to repeat!) Anyway STEVE was a blast to talk to and very funny, so much so that when I left him at the bar I totally forgot to grab the coke I ordered for Aunt John…oops.

Now, you'd think that would be enough to institute a red letter day but there's more. The truth is Aunt John and I knew we were going to be in good company for the festivities because we were meeting our pals TENEBROUS KATE & BARON from LOVE TRAIN FOR THE TENEBROUS EMPIRE (it will make you diabetic if I tell you how we feel about those two, so I'll skip it.) There we all were laughing it up when I spy JOHNNY BOOTS the overlord of FREDDY IN SPACE who I recognize immediately from his Horror Blips avatar. He tells us he's there to meet GEOF from the swell blog ENTER THE MAN CAVE. Hey, we know GEOF, he's a past traumafessor!

Soon we're all gathered round the table swapping stories about the convention and forging a makeshift legion of doom. It was gratifying to be around fellow bloggers that I admire and to see everybody's die hard enthusiasm shining through. I have to thank that impromptu group for helping me reestablish why I enjoy blogging so much in the first place, nobody was there to compete or debate it was all about basking in our collective horror fanaticism. Even with our widely divergent tastes, we were all there for one thing and one thing only, the love of the genre.

I know there are those who question the validity of blogging in general, (who are these blogging people and why should I care what they think?) They might even try to pull rank and suggest that blogs are inferior to flashy websites or ye olde printed page but I say they're just kicking up dust. All I know is that when I was growing up I had exactly ONE other friend who felt the same way I did about horror movies, ONE other friend who read FANGORIA and stayed up late to watch anything that even remotely resembled a horror film, ONE other person who knew what the hell I was talking about. Now I talk to countless people every week about horror movies and we at kindertrauma get emails from all over the world. Blogging allows a two way street paved on an even playing field that other mediums and means of communication can only envy. As E.M. FORSTER once twittered "Only connect." So here is a picture of me and TOM ATKINS, where once I only had only ONE person to share it with, I now thankfully have all of you.

Happy St. Patty's Day!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Is it possible for Kindertrauma to celebrate St. Patrick's Day without bringing up either LEPRECHAUN or DARBY O'GILL AND THE LITTLE PEOPLE? I thought not, but then your brilliant Aunt John came up with the brainstorm of ST. PATTY DUKE DAY! You read that right; today we celebrate the work of Hollywood legend PATTY DUKE.

This once child star went on to win an Oscar and multiple Emmys, she recorded gold records, wrote best selling books, she became the president of the Screens Actor's Guild and she was an early activist for mental health issues particularly bipolar disorder. If that's not enough, she can also lay claim to doing the horizontal hokey pokey with Gomez Addams (JOHN ASTIN).

Her progeny have gone on to star in motion pictures both small (THE LORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY) and large (THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS MOVIE.) Luckily for traumatots everywhere, over the decades DUKE has also done her fair share of work (mostly for television) in our favorite genre. Let's take a look at some of the great horrors glittering in St. PATTY's pot of gold!

YOU'LL LIKE MY MOTHER (1972)

This one sure plays like a seventies television movie but truth is, it actually did get a limited theatrical run. Based on a novel by NOAMI A. HINTZ, this colder than a shamrock shake thriller finds a preggo DUKE crashing into the ultimate ice queen mother-in-law (ROSEMARY MURPHY) with nail chomping suspense as a result. Modern viewers may find the pace slower than a glacier thaw but if you stick around till the end you will witness RICHARD "John Boy Walton" THOMAS giving ANTHONY PERKINS a run for his money in the twisted momma's boy department. Perfect for a snowy night couch ride if you are able to track down the out-of-print VHS tape.

LOOK WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ROSEMARY'S BABY (1976)

Forget the baby, look what's happened to Rosemary; she's turned into PATTY DUKE! Eight years after the legendary film ROSEMARY'S BABY left theaters, a television sequel surfaced just in time to cash in on recent theatrical hit THE OMEN. Yes, it's a major step down from its predecessor but if it makes you feel any better, ROSEMARY author IRA LEVIN's own stab at continuing the tale SON OF ROSEMARY, was pretty dang awful too. This boob tube mish-mash would try the patience of any saint but you certainly can't blame whoever was in charge of casting! Look for future PONTYOOL star STEPHEN McHATTIE as the title kid all grown up and ready to glam rock, check out RAY MILLAND filling in for SIDNEY BLACKMER as RUTH GORDON's creepy Castevet hubby, and hey, you even get a well deserved dose of TINA LOUISE.

I caught this one on T.V. when I was growing up and although I don't think I stayed awake for the whole crazy affair I remember being truly scared by the scene where Rosemary takes a ride to nowhere, trapped inside a satanic bus (is there any other kind?)

CURSE OF THE BLACK WIDOW (1977)

Director DAN CURTIS (TRILOGY OF TERROR, BURNT OFFERINGS) is nothing less than a kindertrauma legend, nearly everything he touches turns to gold. CURSE OF THE BLACK WIDOW will never be considered his shiniest coin, but who are we to say no to a Reagley-Beagley look at seventies pick up bars, especially when said bars are being preyed upon by a man-eater who transforms into a giant spider! Could PATTY who plays DONNA MILLS uptight, spinster-y twin sister be in the center of this sticky web? Let's just say DUKE has some great gams…eight to be exact.

THE BABYSITTER (1980)

Hold on to your man PATTY DUKE even if he is WILLIAM SHATNER! STEPHANIE ZIMBALIST plays a 19-year-old home wrecking babysitter (you'd be riled too if you had to sit for QUINN CUMMINGS!) in this ahead of its time predatory usurper tale. Can PATTY keep her perfect nest from being picked apart by a younger chickie? Will drinking heavily and throwing furniture help? DUKE releases her cuckoo Kraken in this darker than you think, double cheese classic. Extra points rewarded for providing a resting spot for JOHN HOUSEMAN between THE FOG and GHOST STORY.

AMITYVILLE 4: THE EVIL ESCAPES (1989)

It says a lot about the overall quality of THE AMITYVILLE HORROR franchise that this installment, which involves a haunted lamp, is far from the worst in the so-called series. Oh, it's pretty terrible, but unlike some of the others, it makes up for its lack of common sense with an irresistible onslaught of high camp hilarity. It may not be good but damn if it isn't entertaining.

DUKE is recent widower Nancy Evans who, strapped for cash, uproots her three intolerable children and moves in with her mother (JAYNE WYATT). Unbeknownst to all is the fact that Grammy just accepted a gift straight from an Amityville garage sale, complete with an evil entity stowaway poised to cause havoc! This devil faced, coat rack looking lamp is so devious that it somehow recruits all of the homes other appliances in its sinister crusade against the family. Frustratingly though, it's only the hired help and a luckless parakeet who die horrible deaths.

Maybe that's how it should be, DUKE has taken on and conquered more in her real life than anything thrown at her in AMITYVILLE 4. As soon as she gets a grasp of what's going on, there can only be one conclusion and that's lights out lamp! It's a testament to PATTY's professionalism that even when knee deep in hokum she plows forward delivering the same amount of gusto she would any role. Inanimate objects beware.

This is merely a handful of DUKE's output, she appeared in the bee-movie disaster THE SWARM (more on that one another day), the REAR WINDOW T.V. wannabe 1974's NIGHTMARE and she guest starred on spooky series like THE SIXTH SENSE, GHOST STORY and NIGHT GALLERY.

PATTY's episode of NIGHT GALLERY "Diary" is one of my favorites as she portrays a bitchy gossip columnist who gets a delicious comeuppance. Give yourself a St. PATTY's Day treat by watching it below on HULU. Make sure you stick around after DUKE's segment to see CESAR ROMERO as Dracula, HELL NIGHT's VINCE VAN PATTEN taking on JOHN CARRADINE in the RICHARD MATHESON penned "Big Surprise" and lastly, CARL REINER in a classic salute to H.P. LOVECRAFT where he literally turns green!

HAPPY ST. PATTY DUKE DAY TO ALL!

Alice In Wonderland (2010)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Maybe it's just beyond the capabilities of mankind to produce a truly faithful film adaptation of LEWIS CARROLL's phantasmic nonsense dispenser ALICE IN WONDERLAND. Many have tried and many have failed. At best you usually end up with something that resembles a very long Ronald McDonaldland commercial and at worst you find yourself confronted by the never should be spoken in the same breath talents of SHERMAN HEMSLEY and CAROL CHANNING. You'd think that marrying director TIM BURTON to the material would be the perfect solution but then you remember that BURTON is a "genius" which is code for, "no longer has the ability to self-edit." I've always thought that the best, most faithful realization of CARROLL's vision could be found in the inserts created by JIM HENSON for the underappreciated 1985 film DREAMCHILD and really, the new DISNEY doused incarnation of Wonderland does little to challenge my theory.

As much as BURTON can be relied upon to deliver impressive visuals, you can also bet on the fact that the story is going to be as directionless as a windup toy and that he will inject at least one scene that is off the charts embarrassing (can you say victory break dance?) 2010's ALICE IN WONDERLAND is at times, splendid to behold but the constant clashing of styles, tone, texture and perspective can be headache inducing as well. For me, the lush, organic exteriors worked the best, whereas the more synthetic looking interiors held no weight at all. There is some beautiful stuff to take in for sure but at some point I do believe my eyeballs just started feeling queasy. You know there's a problem if you start entertaining the idea of shoving Alka-Seltzer tablets into your retinas. Between you and me though, as tacky as the Spencer's gift shop aesthetic can sometimes be, I'd be lying if I didn't at times think that the film would be fun to watch with my long lost college girlfriend Mary Jane.

Operating for the most part as an unofficial sequel, ALICE finds our once curiouser and curiouser moppet about to potentially loose herself to a loveless marriage at the age of 19. (Alice is played by the pretty and pouty MIA WASIKOWSKA…hey, didn't KATHLEEN TURNER star in a movie about her once?) Props are deserved for the all too rare, girl-power message. Alice gets the chance to yield a sword and slay a dragon (or Jabberwocky) and rather than simply let that stand as a physical act of strength, it's also made clear that she is fighting to keep her imagination and sense of self alive. I just wish that theme could have been better sewn throughout the entire tale rather than just cushioning the beginning and ending like a pair of fluffy earmuffs. Instead, the force fed creamy center of this tasty cake is plagued by a backlash-baiting JOHNNY DEPP whose Mad Hatter character seems hell bent on claiming the spotlight as his own. JOHNNY is yet another "genius" who needs to get a grip. His performance is so uneven and inconsistent that you get the idea that he approached the role based on passing daily whims. (Sorry, but DEPP's "work" in ALICE makes his MARY TYLER WONKA routine seem understated and controlled.)

On the hit-the-nail-on-the-head front, ALAN RICKMAN, as the blue caterpillar, is spot on, STEPHEN FRY as the Cheshire Cat is a welcome relief whenever he materializes and LITTLE BRITAIN's MATT LUCAS makes an equally convincing Tweedledee as he does a Tweedledum. I have to say though, how dare anyone cast CRISPIN GLOVER in an ALICE IN WONDERLAND film and not give HIM the part of the Mad Hatter? What kinda hooka smoke makes you do that? I know DEPP is a major selling point but c'mon BURTON and DISNEY, you can afford to take a hit to the wallet for the sake of art every once in a while. In addition I'd just like to add, and I don't mean to sound rude here, I think HELENA BONAM CARTER is seriously one of the most beautiful women who has ever graced the Earth but does she really need that much CGI help in the big head department? Not from where I'm standing.

I guess if I had kids I would probably drag them to see this; regardless, it's not the worst movie ever made, it just happens to play like a mixed tape of over worked KIDZ BOP cover songs. I suppose I should give BURTON credit for playing against his darker more gothic instincts but when the alternative is so loud and Easter pastel garish, I'm not so sure. This is your fault JIM HENSON, you should have gone to the doctor's for regular check-ups! That way, both ALICE and I may have someday gotten the movie we deserved.

NOTE: Rather than check out the overseen trailer for BURTON's film, let's take a look at some of Alice's earlier trips down the rabbit hole. Some work better than others but they are all, as they should be, very kindertraumatic.

TIP: The above video has no sound so play it simultaneously with the music video below (you might need to play the music video twice as it's shorter) and remember: feed your head!

The Crazies (2010)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

There are more than a couple highly effective suspense scenes in BRECK EISNER's remake of GEORGE ROMERO's 1973 cult film THE CRAZIES (kudos to EISNER for milking a car wash clash for everything it's worth.). Rather than spewing out the usual over bloated, trying too hard, twelve-inch dance mix of its source material, 2010's THE CRAZIES keeps it eye upon characterization and delivers an astute, mid-tempo horror excursion that's easy to find yourself wrapped up in. It may not blow you out of the back of theater, but frankly I prefer my apocalypses in a teacup.

First thing's first, make sure you don't confuse THE CRAZIES with that elder ROMERO redo, 2005's DAWN OF THE DEAD; it may be wearing some of that sibling's hand me downs (for example, a perfect fit JOHNNY CASH opening track), but it's got a disposition all its own. THE CRAZIES never quite hits the same delicious zeniths of that barn burner but it never quite hits the same head scratching lows either (I guess I'll never get over the scene in DAWN, where the uninfected mall bound group allows an obviously ready to turn zombie woman in a wheel barrow into their ranks!) Really, the titular "Crazies," once friends and neighbors who've now lost all rationality, have more in common with alien invasion pod people than the supernatural undead. On the other hand, these guys certainly mean to do more than just stare at you blankly. Well, that suits me fine, loss of identity is yesterday's concern; loss of morality is so very today.

There is a beautiful eye of the storm moment mid way through the movie where committed to order town sheriff David Dutton (TIMOTHY OLYPHANT) and committed to heal town doctor Judy Dutton (RADHA marry me MITCHELL) return to their home for a brief period after their world has been turned upside down. Judy begins absent-mindedly taking down the laundry she had put out to dry earlier that day and then catches the pointlessness of her actions. The peaceful life that the Duttons had planned for the child they are soon expecting is now an impossibility. The insanity of the outside world, the dehumanizing cattle prodding military, the vicious, violence mongering good ol' boys, the mentally unstable school faculty et al. cannot be kept off the lawn. The American small town and its virtues are now officially dead and every picket fence is pushing up daisies, insanity reigns. I have to wonder how many expecting parents in real life have felt essentially the same thing.

"Don't ask me why I can't leave without my wife and I won't ask you why you can." Regardless of the impression you might get from the heavy-handed promotion, this is some pretty thoughtful stuff. Sure the military are sort of ill represented but that's kind of the point. I caught THE CRAZIES on several occasions avoiding the easy route to its destination. When Dutton's deputy Russell (JOE ANDERSON) begins to show signs of mental deterioration, rather than paint a soulless monster, we get a glimpse of his realization that he won't be seeing the closing credits. "I'm not right am I?," he asks. When his fears are confirmed he then pleads ,"Can I walk with you just a little more?"( or something to that effect.) Hey, there's something in your Unk's eyes,…gimme a sec.

Perhaps THE CRAZIES is the perfect bookend to the aforementioned DAWN OF THE DEAD. Whereas that film inadvertently expressed our fears of the world turning to chaos, THE CRAZIES wonders what's left in the post chaos world. (Duck and cover SPOILER explosion!) One casualty is clear and that is the simple life. We are left with the image of our heroes (Judy is even clad in an I heart Iowa sweater) being forced toward a city skyline after their beloved town and dream future are literally bombed off the face of the earth. No, you can't keep the madness out kids, even in Mayberry they're "Keeping up with the Kardashians."

Traumafessions :: Reader Chris Nigro on Curse of Bigfoot

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Greetings, Unk and Aunt.

I have one major childhood trauma that I will never forget involving something I saw on the T.V. It was during the 1970s, before we imagined that anything like VCRs or DVDs awaited us in the future, and we were at the complete, horrid mercy of the networks to see any movie, and if we missed it then, it may have been a year or longer before we had the opportunity to see whatever neat little offering we missed again.

Anyway, I have been a fan of horror cinema for as long as I can remember, and also the fan of supposed real life monsters like Bigfoot. So I was thrilled when I checked the TV GUIDE and found out that a movie called CURSE OF BIGFOOT was going to be aired on T.V. that afternoon. This weird and somewhat demented little gem of a film that attempts to cash in on a real-life legend is more than worth the effort of finding on video for aficionados of the more bizarre horror films. The fun–and the major trauma–started (I kid you not) in the prologue before the opening credits!

I remember expecting this movie to do the usual and wait until the second half of the film to show a clear shot of the titular monster, but this particular prologue was an exception to this often tantalizing rule that ended up making me feel unhappy rather than thrilled. Not only did this opening sequence feature a genuinely creepy voice-over by some invisible narrator describing this alleged prehistoric hominid horror in a way that truly chilled my bones (he said the creature was "more beast than man…", or something like that), but within just several seconds we are suddenly treated to a long shot of the full creature, where the beast-man quickly proceeds to walk straight up to the camera so that we get a very uncomfortable–and bone-chilling–close-up shot of its truly hideous face!

Its wicked scream as it approached the camera was almost as bad as its madness-inducing countenance. And if that wasn't enough, immediately afterwards we saw a totally unnecessary but no less horrifying scene of the creature's forearm and hand up against a huge rock or some sort of solid object with pools of blood pouring down from it.

That was just too much for me, and I quickly ran in the kitchen where a few adult family members were hanging out. That opening sequence of a memorable little B-film from the 1960s provided me with a major childhood trauma, and it did so in what amounted to less than two minutes of screen time in the prologue sequence, no less. Is that a new record for a film-induced trauma?

–Chris Nigro

UNK SEZ: Thanks Chris, for the great traumafession! Maybe you should count your blessings that you dropped out of CURSE OF BIGFOOT when you did because after that opening, it's all down hill from there! In fact, the second half of the movie, if I recall correctly, recycles footage from an earlier film entitled TEENAGERS BATTLE THE THING (1958). That alone wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that T.B.T.T. has nothing to do with our pal Bigfoot at all and instead involves an ancient ape mummy!

Also Chris thanks for informing us about your two traum-tastic websites!

Kids, check out all the coolness that Chris has been up to; one of his websites is a personal homage to Godzilla called THE GODZILLA SAGA, and the other is called THE WARRENVERSE. It concerns those awesome old magazines like EERIE and CREEPY and you can find that one HERE. Make sure you visit both!