kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

Kinder-News :: Poltergeist 3 Star Dies

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Death, ignoring centuries of pleas to "pick on someone its own size" took the life of 76 year old ZELDA RUBINSTEIN yesterday. RUBINSTEIN is best remembered for starring in the super awesome POLTERGEIST 3, but she also appeared in such notable films as SIXTEEN CANDLES, ANGUISH and POLTERGEIST 2: THE OTHER SIDE. She even appeared in a film simply titled POLTERGEIST in 1982. Many believe it was her work in that movie which lead to her landing the landmark role of "Tangina" in the classic POLTERGEIST 3.

Even those who have never seen POLTERGEIST 3 are certainly familiar with many of the highly quotable lines uttered by her character within the film, lines like "My God! HE FOUND HER!" and "I have the KNOWLEDGE… and the POWER!"

Friends fear RUBINSTEIN's untimely death will add more fuel to the whispered rumors of a "TEEN WITCH" curse.

In all seriousness, we here at Kindertrauma will miss ZELDA everyday for the rest of our lives because she was one of the coolest people who ever lived. GO into the light baby!

Traumafessions :: Reader David D. on MacGyver ep. "Kill Zone"

Posted on By unkle lancifer

From my humble beginnings, according to my mother, I was a sensitive child. Quiet, bookish, a catch and release the firefly sort of kid. I would cry when other neighborhood children would keep them in jars or squish them against the sidewalk. This sort of behavior did not sit well with my Father and he would try, to the best of his ability, to toughen me up. We would watch grown up type movies. Not 'adult' movies but movies like TRUE GRIT, TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE, THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN. These watching habits extended to television as well, THE A-TEAM, KNIGHT RIDER, these were all shows enjoyed by me while my dad read the paper and nodded approvingly whenever MR. T punched a dude, my dad even let me have the recliner when they were on.

"This sounds like a perfect childhood, Fauntleroy, where is the trauma?" you ask.

Okay.

The year: 1988.

The person: An 11-year-old me.

The show: MACGYVER. I had to look up the title of the episode, "Kill Zone," and the year (my memory isn't THAT good).

In this particular MACGYVER, he is sent in to some wilderness to investigate reports of animals dying after a satellite crashes to Earth. I may be wrong about the satellite, but the episode had a real ANDROMEDA STRAIN feel to it. It turns out, a weird bacteria has returned with the crashed object and this bacteria, upon exposure to a living thing, accelerates the aging process to fatal levels. We're talking a lifetime in a matter of minutes. A sample of the bacteria is sent to a lab for analysis where it comes into the hands of a dedicated lady scientist who is softened by the presence of her beloved dog. How could this scientist be so obstinate? Look how much she loves her dog.

The episode progresses. MacGyver fixes stuff with a paper clip, etc. etc. Eventually, he is supposed to destroy said organism, its existence deemed too dangerous to the planet Earth. The dedicated lady scientist isn't having it. The organism is simply too important to destroy. She locks herself in the lab with her dog and the organism sealed in a glass container for further study. Alas, the beloved dog misinterprets the glass container holding the bacteria for a toy and knocks it from her hand, releasing it in the sealed laboratory.

The dog immediately begins to age, its black fur becoming gray seemingly before MacGyver's eyes. It limps to the lady scientist's lap and dies in her arms while she also begins to show signs of age. MacGyver runs to find some way to free her from the lab but by the time he returns, she is horrifyingly old and, in my opinion, kind of looks like a gray haired version of The Hag from the trauma inducing movie CURTAINS. It wasn't enough that a dog withered and died in front of my eyes while its owner apologized and said 'she hoped it doesn't hurt', no, I was also treated to the grim visage of death itself, in the form of a grizzled old woman.

I ran from the room, oblivious to my father's cries of, "For crying out loud! It's just MACGYVER!" I never watched another episode of MACGYVER again for truly this was a one/two punch: soul crushingly sad, followed by horrifying.

Finding the clip online was easy, WATCHING said clip, an entirely different matter. I did not, but I am including it for those whose morbid curiosity is unquenchable. Don't say I didn't warn you:

Halloween II (2009, The Director's Cut)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

While I was reading up on the SHIRLEY TEMPLE fantasy flick THE BLUE BIRD, I found that consensus held that its financial failure was due to the fact that audiences could not stomach seeing SHIRLEY in an "unsympathetic" role.

We'll get to ROB ZOMBIE's DIRECTOR CUT of HALLOWEEN II in a moment but first I'd like to know what's so darn unsympathetic about SHIRLEY's character Mytyl in THE BLUE BIRD…

Let me break down Mytyl's "bratty" behavior for you; when the film opens we find her putting forth great effort into capturing a bird and then finally succeeding. On the way home with her prize some girl who claims to be ill suggests that Mytyl hand it over it to her, and Myty rightfully declines. Later, Mytyl comes across a mansion where folks are living it up at a Christmas party. She points out that those who have to work the event are having zero fun.

Once home, Mytyl accesses her surroundings and feels great dissatisfaction She demands to know why her digs are so cheap when others are living high on the hog. Mytyl refuses to be placated with the old "others have it worse then you so shut up " spiel. The girl can't help it, she wants more.

That's about it, the rest of the movie she's helping strangers find their lost belongings, yodeling for people's entertainment and playing therapist to a bunch of unborn children. She even hands over the bird to the sick girl eventually, so really why the hell is she so darn "unsympathetic"?

Is it because she expressed her unhappiness and dissatisfaction? Is it because she voiced her discontent? Is it because she had the audacity to stop tap-dancing for other peoples benefit and wonder what's in it for her? Audiences want Mytyl (and SHIRLEY really) to shut up and tow the line; they want those dimples to shine.

All of this was on my mind when I sat down to revisit Haddonfield with the director's cut of H2. Now, I defended the theatrical cut for its schlocky, rough around the edges grindhouse charm and general off kilter bizarreness but I'm now prepared to unabashedly call the director's cut one of my favorite films of last year. It quite simply fascinates the hell out of me. Is Michael Myers wearing a hoodie in this? Do they show his face? You know what? I couldn't care less about that guy at this point. I'm intrigued, enamored and obsessed with this cut of the film because Laurie Strode takes off her own mask here and reveals her rage. Is she sympathetic? Does she yodel and tap dance for the audience? The time for keeping up a polite front is over. Laurie Strode is seriously fucked up and whether you like her or not is beside the point.

I realize that the director's cut of H2 will not alter the opinion of those who hated the theatrical cut, but my point is that the very best parts of this movie were extracted from that version in order to make Laurie more…here's that word again "sympathetic."

Obviously this is NOT the same Laurie we met in 1978, but let's say for a moment that she is, and for over 30 years this character has behaved for the audience. She has taken it on the chin, acted the hero and came back for more. Let's say that Laurie Strode in any incarnation is the ultimate embodiment of every horror victim, let's say she represents every screamer there ever was…

Now she wants to tell you what it's like to live in fear. Now she wants to tell you how maddening it is that she's expected to go back to normal. She wants to reveal that she can't even stand to look at her best friend's face because it is a constant reminder of her pain. She's pissed off, she's angry, confused, and she's brimming over with self-loathing. She wants to hurt herself and she wants to hurt the ones who stand by her. These feelings are impossible to neatly box away. The past constantly bleeds into the present. Hallucinations parade through the waking day. She identifies with her attacker, who else on earth could possibly understand the fury brewing inside her?

All of the above is consistent with the symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder but what the hell is it doing in a slasher sequel? Wouldn't we rather see Laurie transformed into a warrior? Why isn't she MACGYVER-ing traps or sleuthing through microfilms? How about an archery training montage?

Apparently audiences don't want to see Laurie's pain and even if they could withstand the repulsiveness of her vulnerability you can't possibly expect them to accept the ugliness of her guilt and the stench of her anger. …that's just silly. If horror movies, particularly slasher films are built to thrill teenagers then why the hell is this one such a boner killer?

H2, unlike just about every horror sequel I can think of, actually stops and asks Laurie how she's doing. Laurie answers honestly but it's not what we want to hear. How unsympathetic, what a selfish victim to not hide away her anguish.

Sure big bro Mike stomping on a head is alarming but the real horror in this movie comes from the idea that the old idiom about "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" only works if you're seven feet tall. The sad reality for Laurie is that the "whatever" that didn't kill her only made her suffering (and med dosage) stronger. She's a 19 year old who lost her parents, several friends, got the tar beat out of her and ultimately had to shoot a guy in the face to save her own hide; when's she gonna get her act together?

Even more intriguing (to me) than Laurie's down hill dementia-dive are the dynamics of her tumultuous relationship with best bud Annie Bracket (DANIELLE HARRIS), which was lightly skimmed over in the theatrical, or as I like to call it "mall" version. I get why they dropped this stuff for the Friday night crowd, dialogue and drama is teen boy kryptonite but it's the beating heart of the movie and it makes Annie's ultimate fate that much more devastating. In other words, with the added addition of roughly 15 minutes of extra footage, I'm not feeling very guilty about this guilty pleasure anymore.

ZOMBIE has a talent for falling between barstools; too violent for this crowd, too dime store pretentious for that one. It just so happens I enjoy that no man's land. I wouldn't disagree that Z's trash-attack approach was an unnecessary crutch but that doesn't change the fact that he makes a genuine point of grafting frequently shirked emotional levels on to the slasher template. It's actually pretty amazing to observe MARGOT KIDDER star of the inaugural slasher BLACK CHRISTMAS attempting to coach Laurie on how to function post assailment and getting a face full of "fuck you" in return.

With his long hair and fuzzy face you'd think hobo Mike was a stand in for the director but I think he's just a decoy. ZOMBIE is really doppelgang-banging neo-Strode. Look at them, two defensive, discordant peas in a pod, up against the wall with something to express that nobody wants to hear. Remember kids, opinions are like assholes, the more you expose your own, the less friends you have.

O.K, I'm rambling here. What was my point? Oh, yeah HALLOWEEN 2: THE DIRECTOR's CUT and THE BLUE BIRD (1940) are the perfect double feature! They both have petulant protagonists, specifically colored animal symbolism and a ghostly fairy lady leading the way. Don't believe me? Well, I'm half past give a shit. I'm sure ROB, Laurie and Mytle understand.

Name That Trauma:: Reader Craig on Missing Eyes-Krispies Commercial

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Please help me out with verifying that this commercial really did exist; In the mid/late '90s there was a commercial on T.V. that played in Canada for Rice Krispies/Rice Krispies Squares that involved carolers singing outside the home of a man and a woman. She fed them Rice Crispies squares, all was well with the world, and the commercial ended. BUT…there was a nanosecond epilogue after the commercial wrapped when the man grabbed at his eye socket and said, "Honey, my eye just fell out!"

EVERYONE saw that commercial, but NO ONE noticed that extra couple of seconds except me. Then one day a friend called up and proclaimed me "not crazy" because she had noticed it too. This is not a joke, or put-on, or the result of drug-use. I swear this actually existed.

Does anyone at KinderTrauma remember this, or have the kind of all-powerful access to finding it that you seem to have with everything else oddball that has haunted someone for years?

The Blue Bird (1940)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

When I was little I came across the 1940 SHIRLEY TEMPLE movie THE BLUE BIRD several times on television. It's sort of the poor man's THE WIZARD OF OZ with SHIRLEY playing the part of a girl named Mytyl who along with her brother Tytyl embarks on a journey through the past and future searching for happiness in the form of the title bird. The children are aided by their dog Tylo and their cat Tylette, who thanks to some fairy magic, have taken human form.

Based on a 1908 play by MAURICE MAETERLINCK, there's plenty to find alarming about THE BLUE BIRD. The children's journey begins in a vast graveyard, their dead grandparents show up to pelt them with guilt, trees transform into vigilantes and finally they end up in some weird limbo place where unborn children in togas howl and cry about how short their time on Earth will be. Personally I was unmoved by any and all of the insanity on display except the unfortunate and fiery death of my favorite character, the cat lady Tylette.

As I watched THE BLUE BIRD again recently as an adult I can see that much of it flew over my head as a kid, most notably the fact that Tylette the cat is clearly drawn as a sinister, mischievous presence and that her demise is meant to be somewhat deserved. Was there something wrong with me as a kid that I would automatically gravitate toward this malevolent malcontent? Before you judge, look at how awesome she is…

To be honest, even as an adult I have sympathy for this devil. She knows that if the children were to discover the blue bird of happiness that she would have to revert back to her former self and remain a "dumb slave to man" forever. So what if a couple tykes have to die in order for her to remain master of her own fate? Let's face it; with names like Mytyl and Tytyl, those kids were bound for hard times anyway.

Tylette is brought to life by Oscar-winner GALE SONDERGAARD, who would go on to appear in several UNIVERSAL horror films like THE BLACK CAT (1941), THE SPIDER WOMAN (1944) and THE SPIDER WOMAN RETURNS (1946) (in which, again, GALE's death is caused by fire.) She was originally cast as the wicked witch in THE WIZARD OF OZ who was first conceived as a sinister glamour-puss similar to the evil queen in Disney's SNOW WHITE. When it was decided that a more haggard version of the witch was the way to go, GALE split and in came MARGARET HAMILTON. (HAMILTON nearly abandoned WIZARD herself when her costume caught fire and she was severely burned.) SODDENGAARD's career was seriously hampered when her husband, director HERBERT BIBERMAN, was accused of being a communist during the infamous red scare of the early ‘50s; she died in 1985

You know, as unhappy as I may still be with Tylette's fiery fate, there's no way around the fact that her death is the most exciting part of the film. In fact, the movie kind of looses its steam as soon as she departs. I know we are meant to learn from this tale that happiness can only be found at home but if you ask me, without an evil, self-serving sociopath like Tylette to share it with, happiness is for the birds.

CREEPY NOTE: During the filming of THE BLUE BIRD four year old actress CARYLL ANN EKELUND was burned to death off set when her birthday dress (or Halloween costume, depending on your source) caught on fire. She was buried in the clothes she wore in the film.

ALSO: I feel I should warn you that THE BLUE BIRD was made into a musical in 1976 starring JANE FONDA, ELIZABETH TAYLOR and a tiny PATSY KENSIT as Mytyl. Believe it or not, this American, Soviet Union co-production was directed by legendary director GEORGE CUKOR. It could very well be one of the worst movies of all time and masochists can find it on Youtube. In this version, Tylette is portrayed by CICELY TYSON. CUCKOR accused TYSON of using voodoo to curse the film.

MORE CREEPY: No joke, I was in a thrift store yesterday and this song was playing on the loudspeaker…(yes, I've double checked the smoke alarms)

Night of the Creeps (Director's Cut DVD)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

In our recent LOOK BACK ON 2009 I mentioned some DVD releases that I was particularly happy about. Ever since I have been kicking myself (like ALICE, it's my favorite sport) because I neglected to mention a couple of other really great titles. There's MESSIAH OF EVIL (thanks to Reader Taylor for reminding me of that one) PHANTASM 2 (Phinally!), and the great THE GATE (whose remarkable effects look even more remarkable on DVD) and most importantly… NIGHT OF THE CREEPS!

How could I forget N.O.T.C.? Well, I didn't really forget it, I just hadn't bought it yet due to moths in wallet syndrome but that sad glitch has been fixed. Unfortunately, yet another bricks and mortar video store in our area is closing but not unfortunately, I was able to vulture a half price copy of CREEPS right off its corpse! So now it's mine, all mine and I couldn't be happier because it's a super awesome jam packed director's cut DVD.

We already reviewed CREEPS way back WHEN so I won't go into the plot, suffice to say it involves aliens, zombies, sorority girls and TOM ATKINS. That's really all ya' need to know and if you haven't seen it yet, you simply have to, particularly if you dig eighties horror. CREEPS is like RETURN OF THE LIVING BREAKFAST CLUB, you just can't find a better time capsule.

So I'm not crazy about the cover art or the comic book menu design, but the extras shine like a KOJAK dome polished with Crisco. Two, count 'em two commentaries; one with director FRED DEKKER (who also helmed the lovable MONSTER SQUAD) and one with the film's cast which includes JASON LIVELY of NATIONAL LAMPOON'S EUROPEAN VACATION and the cutest girl who ever lived JILL WHITLOW. There's a superior alternate ending, a tasty trailer and a gratifying plethora of mini docs that go into great detail about the making of this cult classic.

The high point is seeing the core cast reunited, there's obviously real affection on display and it's always an honor to hear any word ATKINS utters. I can't fathom how N.O.T.C. avoided becoming a hit upon release. From what we learn from director DEKKER it sounds like the studio did a crappy job of supporting and distributing the film (times sure have changed, haven't they?) Oh well, as I told my golfing buddy TIGER WOODS, "It's better too be loved deeply by a few than cheaply by a slew." The important thing is, this fun, effervescent, endlessly quotable gem is finally getting the presentation it deserves and passionate new fans are an inevitability.