kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

Kindertrauma Funhouse :: Decade Round-Up!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Since it's New Year's Day, I thought I'd share 20 swatches from the posters of 20 of my favorite horror movies of the last decade. Can you guess the movies?

Disclaimer: There are a lot of great movies missing from this list (I don't think there are too many left field surprises though). I'm not claiming that these movies are superior to any others, just that these are the ones that resonated the most with yours truly for whatever arbitrary reason.

Furthermore, because I try to have an open mind rather than a stagnant one, my opinion is subject to change at the drop of a dime. In other words, take it all with a grain of salt. I'm already regretting not including the fascinating HOSTEL based solely on my bitter feelings toward its director (by the way ELI, enough with the texting, if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it.), THE DARK HOURS (simply because I don't think many people have seen it.) and the genre-defying masterpieces MULHOLLAND DR. and IRREVERSIBLE.

I also think (with one exception) that I was prejudiced against newer titles just because it's way too soon to say whether I'm madly in love or just crushing on them.

Also: If you don't feel like guessing, leave a comment telling all of us about your own favorite films of the decade anyway. One commenter is going to win the beautiful noir comic THE CHILL by JASON STARR (art by MICK BERTILORENZI) courtesy of our pals at DC!

A Kindertrauma Look Back At 2009!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

HOME VIDEO…

REVAMPED CLASSICS

My lifelong dream of seeing 1981's MY BLOODY VALENTINE in its uncut form came true thanks to LIONSGATE, ANCHOR BAY gave fans the gift of HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME complete with its original score, and SCORPION ENTERTAINMENT dusted off the criminally overlooked slasher SILENT SCREAM and decorated it with a plethora of worthy extras. No doubt about it, the DVD gods were generous in 2009.

TRUE MIND BLOWERS

Hey, at least buy my brain dinner before you have your way with it like that! The Spanish language [REC] scorched retinas with truly horrific imagery while dispensing mounting cinema verite style hysteria, EDEN LAKE supplied the most depressing ending known to man, and MARTYRS was a hand grenade aimed at your very soul. I thought I had seen everything but I'm still searching for the socks these three blew off my feet.

STRAIGHT-TO-DVD NO LONGER MEANS CRAP!

I can't stop watching or singing the praises of Norway's COLD PREY, the U.K.'s THE CHILDREN effortlessly breathed new life into our favorite pet sub-genre, and SPLINTER conjured up memories of vintage JOHN CARPENTER. Movie theaters better step up their game if they want us shut-ins to walk away from the boob tube.

THE WORST OF HOME VIDEO

OFFSPRING squandered decent source material and made it almost laughable, yet WRONG TURN 3 screwed the pooch in just such a way that the poor pup is still having trouble walking straight. Sorry WRONG TURN 3, you win at being the biggest loser.

THE BEST

TRICK ‘R TREAT proved that some times positive hype can be pinpoint accurate. Let's hear it for an undebatable instant classic that made many of the theatrically released movies released this year look paler than the Pillsbury Doughboy in comparison.

TELEVISION BEST AND WORST

TRUE BLOOD's bite may have been a bit uneven in its second season but who cares when MICHELLE FORBES is shaking it on screen? Critics and audiences may have turned their noses up at HARPER'S ISLAND but anyone smart enough to stick around for the finale knows that the slasher as miniseries concept was an innovation that really worked. Man, I wish there was a second season to look forward to!

On the other side of the spectrum lies the SYFY channels CHILDREN OF THE CORN retelling. The 1984 version left nowhere to go but up, yet somehow this redundant redo found a way to burrow itself deep into the soil.

MOVIES!!!

WHO WOULDA THUNK…THIS AIN'T JUNK?

SORORITY ROW's final reveal sucked like a dirt devil but the rest of it played like a flashy, slashy tribute with surprisingly decent kills. JENNIFER'S BODY, when it wasn't talking your ear off with annoying dialogue, delivered an engrossing bird's eye view of a once symbiotic relationship on the brink of implosion. THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT out maneuvered its dated source material left AND right and is it wrong to kind of sort of love its crazy out of place microwave epilogue?

MANY HAPPY RETURNS!

Only a pick in the mud could deny the in-your-face charms of seeing Harry Warden resurrected in MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D, THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL rewound VHS nostalgia while reminding us all how much we missed not only MARY WORONOV but (who knew?) THE FIXX, and Norway's DEAD SNOW pelted us with a new rendition of the long thought dead Nazi zombie film. Screw the future, what has it ever done for us? The past is where it's at!

SOPHISTICATED KID FLICKS!

CORALINE (in 3-D or otherwise) spun a dark fairy tale that warned of the results of selling your soul for the false idea of perfection. Think of it as a sort of kiddie version of THE STEPFORD WIVES and an inevitable starter kit for future goths. WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE confronted childhood feelings of social disconnect and populated its fantasy world with monsters battling a lifetime's worth of neurosis. Both films steadfastly refused to dumb down their vision based on their assumed target audience while loudly preaching that most timeless of kid flick mantras, "There's no place like home."

FEED YOUR HEAD!

These aren't your granny's zombie films! PONTYPOOL married GEORGE ROMERO and ERIC BOGOSIAN with H.G. WELLS serving as justice of the peace. Communication and language itself stood accused of being responsible for the modern brain dead mob. Extra tip of the hat for supplying the year's best tagline with "Shut up or die." DEADGIRL's (s)icky premise spoke volumes about the darkest side of human sexuality with its "nothing to lose" outsiders discovering an even more injured creature than themselves to objectify and exploit. The living dead have been begging for brains for decades, in 2009 they got them!

MAYBE IT'S ME

Try as I might, I had a difficult time falling under the spell of PARANORMAL ACTIVITY; the film that others claimed kept them awake at night put me right to sleep. I dug GRACE's early nods to ROMAN POLANSKI but I thought the second half suffered from the cinematic equivalent to S.I.D.S. Don't go be me though kids, ROB ZOMBIE's critically burned at the stake HALLOWEEN 2, which tenaciously insisted on looking at the slasher sequel through grandiose art house goggles, left me smiling like a doped up jack-o-lantern.

NOT WITHOUT MY MOTHER!

Say what you will about ROB ZOMBIE's sophomore venture into Haddonfield, Illinois, for better or for worse, at least he remembered to bring along all of the franchise's major players. 2009's FRIDAY THE 13TH made the critical error of throwing momma from the train right after the opening credits! The result? A needlessly heartless re-slash!

SOMETHING WE CAN ALL AGREE ON

I've noticed that THE UNBORN sunk to the bottom of many a year-end list for 2009 and I could not agree more. Usually I pride myself on being able to find at least one redeemable quality in a movie, but this aptly titled abomination resisted all such efforts. Some claim it was written by DAVID S. GOYER, the guy responsible for BATMAN BEGINS (and somewhat more impressively DEMONIC TOYS), I'm not sure if "written" is the right word… "excreted" perhaps?

A WELCOME RETURN

Horror legend SAM RAIMI proved that mainstream success hasn't made him such a big-shot that he can't get his hands dirty (or covered in vomit) with the classic upon arrival DRAG ME TO HELL. The story may have been D.C. comic simplistic but thanks to SAM's virtuoso touch, a refreshingly "thems the brakes" ending and a scene stealing goat, I honestly never even noticed it was PG-13. SAM, you've been wasting yourself on guys in tights!

BEST USE OF COYOTE UGLY ALUMNI

Sorry MUMMY III: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR, but we're having a hard time swallowing a British accented MARIA BELLO. On the other hand, we had no problem at all believing that we could catch something contagious from PIPER "Jersey" PIRABO in CARRIERS. Pipe down and don't bellow MARIA, PIPER wins by a landslide!

KINDERTRAUMA FILM OF THE YEAR

How could any movie be more kinder-tastic than ORPHAN? Think about it, tykes in trouble, a kid who kills and no matter how hard it tried to be taken seriously it just always ended up reeking of campy trash.

Look in the mirror ORPHAN, you're Kindertrauma's sister from another mister! While we're on the subject let's hand out an official traumatot award to ISABELLE FUHRAM for her beyond awesome Natasha Fatale "Hello Dollink" delivery and astonishing ability to keep a straight face while interacting with PETER SARSGAARD.

BEST ALL-AROUND HORROR FILM OF THE YEAR

O.K., maybe ZOMBIELAND wasn't the scariest film of the year but it was funny, it was thrilling and it miraculously had characters that you actually wanted to spend time with rather than strangle. Plus you know a movie's heart is in the right pace when it simultaneously damns clowns AND salutes man's greatest creation, the Twinkie. You'd simply have to be a zombie yourself not to love it.

Monster Christmas Mash!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

UNK SEZ: THE MONSTER CHRISTMAS MASH is my favorite Christmas album of all time. I wish I could tell you that it was a staple of my youth but the reality is, T.M.C.M. and I did not cross paths until I was in my early twenties when I bought it on vinyl at a dollar store. I used to listen to it every year until it mysteriously disappeared. I can only surmise that, like so many things I once treasured, a horrible person with exceptional taste stole it from me while I was passed out.

Who cares about those lean years without my beloved record though because I just found it once again! Now I usually don't condone downloading music off the Internet but in this case, I say do. It's unlikely to ever be put on CD anyway and even if it was, I'm sure that none of the right people would see any mullah. Besides, Christmas is not only about giving, it is also about getting. Imagine if everybody gave and nobody got? There would just be a bunch of presents on the floor and that's called litter.

Find MONSTER CHRISTMAS MASH HERE!

If you still end up feeling bad about getting something for free then give a toy to a tot or a hoagie to a hobo. This amazing album, especially the irresistible barnstormer "Who's That Up on the Roof?," needs to be heard and shared by all!

In Memoriam: Dan O'Bannon 1946-2009

Posted on By unkle lancifer


UNK SEZ: The great DAN O'BANNON died yesterday at the age of 63. I know he's more famous for writing the beyond masterpiece ALIEN and directing the beyond classic RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, but I have to give a little shout-out to another film credit of his that truly left an indelible mark on me, 1981's DEAD AND BURIED…


"Come Dan, let me fix that for you…"


Kindertrauma Funhouse :: Black Christmas Scramble

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Oh No! Billy the beloved homicidal maniac from BLACK CHRISTMAS has finally been arrested! What's worse is that his capture occurred on the very same day that Canada decided to reinstate the death penalty! Billy's only chance to avoid death by Canadian electric chair is to plead insanity but to do that, he's going to have to recall the events of BLACK CHRISTMAS to a court appointed Canadian psychiatrist!

Can you help Billy remember the correct order of events? I'll get you started by revealing that 1=C (the title card) but what about the next 10? C'mon kids, Billy's counting on you!

NOTE: If you could give a crap about Billy's fate leave a guess or comment of some sort anyway because Aunt John still has a couple more awesome Kindertrauma logo t-shirts (sizes M, L, or XL; winner's choice!) to give away and anybody can win.. just a leave comment and you are in it to win it!

Carriers

Posted on By unkle lancifer

One shouldn't be too surprised that ALEX & DAVID PASTOR's melancholy road movie CARRIERS didn't exactly become a theatrical sensation during its very limited run a few months back. Unlike star CHRIS PINE's other summer vehicle STAR TREK, the apocalyptic CARRIERS hardly offers itself to be promoted on collect them all Burger King glasses. Although it does take a moment to partake in the mandatory end of the world "hooray, we can do anything we want!" frolic scene (our survivors have fun smashing windows by hitting golf balls into them) CARRIERS is more interested in the down side of the end of the world. It's a reverse ZOMBIELAND with zero zombies.

Speaking of Burger King I'm the type who will throw my Whopper in the trash if someone sneezes within a 50 foot radius of it so the basic fear of contagion that drives CARRIERS is not wasted on me. There are some tense squirmy moments for all you fellow hypochondriacs out there, but delivering jolty shocks of paranoia is a side dish to the real meat and potatoes served. Don't hold your breath for the usual end of the world fetishized destruction either, the brothers PASTOR persuasively relay the idea that human relationships are far more fascinating than explosions. This is a movie that has some serious respect for its characters.

PIPER PERABO is a long way from COYOTE UGLY, her bond with PINE, rife with knowing jabs of mutual understanding convinces the viewer of its authenticity early on. They are two of four survivors we get to know intimately. (CHRISTOPHER MELONI tags along for a while too, as a heartbreakingly distraught father.) These are real people who sometimes come off as far less than heroic, but the situations that they find themselves in will have you wondering if doing the "right" thing is always the smart thing. This is a world where human compassion may mean death and where betraying those close to you may be your only means of survival. Ultimately though, comprehension of the high stakes involved does little to weaken the wretchedness of watching once allies abandoned when the virus tags them "it."

With its PG-13 rating and reluctance to beat its chest, CARRIERS could be mistaken for a timid film but truly, it's atypically aggressive when it comes to avoiding moral shortcuts. Rather than paint a false universe where love is the be-all cure-all, it repeatedly confronts the moment in time where one must turn their back on others in order to move forward. Who needs fireworks, Burger King glasses or even a successful theatrical run? CARRIERS proves that it's sometimes more absorbing to watch the world end with a whimper rather than a bang.

Kindertrauma Funhouse :: Xmas Horror

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Would you just look at all these stills from Christmas themed horror flicks I scrounged up! How many can you identify?

If you're not sure, feel free to guess. If you don't care to guess, leave a comment telling us which Christmas movie (horror or otherwise) is your favorite!

One lucky commenter is going to win a fabulous Kindertrauma T-shirt sort of like the one worn below by Kinderpal Taylor!

Note: The Kindertrauma prize t-shirt will be white and size medium, large, or extra-large (winner's choice!) with the same artwork as the one Taylor picked up at Kindertrauma Mart.

Also: The winner will be announced tomorrow so that everybody will get a chance regardless of time zone! (Step it up Left Coasters!) Good luck to all!