Author: unkle lancifer
Kindertrauma Funhouse :: Feed Your Fred!
Eight pictures from eight Elm street movies (Including FREDDY VS. JASON)! Can you identify which image is from which movie?
The Last House on the Left (2009)
I had no desire to see the remake of THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT; the whole concept kind of skeeved me out. Unlike the other slasher re-dos, this didn't exactly seem like a fun flick that fans could all go hand in hand to and share warm nostalgic feelings about. The original is a definite product of its time and, for the most part, a grueling experience (and no WES CRAVEN, the bungling cop comic relief does little to help). Watching a gritty extended rape enacted by a bunch of out of shape hippies is one thing, but watching a glossy remix staring a bunch of would-be fashion models just seemed so very wrong. I'm sorry, maybe I'm old fashioned but I prefer my cinematic rapists to be comfortably fugly and their victims to be…you know, NED BEATTY. That said, a pal told me LAST HOUSE 2009 was pretty good and so I eventually watched it and I gotta say my pal was right.
Turns out LAST HOUSE is the perfect movie to remake because there is so much room for improvement and enough time has passed that the original's flaws are pretty glaring. The new version makes a lot more sense and thankfully gives its characters not only more depth but also a much appreciated fighting chance. SARA PAXTON who plays Mari Collingwood, the young victim, gives a brave performance and her nail biting escape attempt comes off as heroic as hell. She doesn't fare as well as one would hope, but that doesn't make the attempt any less moving or courageous. FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 6's TONY GOLDWYN and MONICA (man, I can't believe she's old enough to play a mom now-but I checked, she is) POTTER hold equally strong ground as the sympathetic avenging parents. Nobody in the world can replace horror icon DAVID HESS as sicko Krug, but GARRET DILLAHUNT gets a passing grade by me. He may be way too soap opera buff, but he still manages to convincingly convey menace (some thanks go to his weird death skull beard ). Really, as far as the cast goes there's not a weak link in the bunch.
This is a consistently tense movie; it's rewarding though after you get past the harrowing rape scene (which for a mainstream film is pretty disturbing). The Collingwoods are easy to route for, they've already suffered the loss of a son and they serve hot chocolate to strangers; naturally it's a blast to watch them kick some much deserving scumbag ass. Rather than take the easy route of being an empty exercise in revenge though. LAST makes attempts (mostly through Krug's son) to convey that what we're really talking about here is the value of a nurturing family. A hand does get shredded in the garbage disposal, but the idea of who is right or wrong is never the least bit foggy. After watching the technically inept OFFSPRING and the visual non splendor of a certain found camera footage movie, I found it a relief to experience a film where somebody knew how to set up a suspense scene and the cinematography took more than a moment of human thought. This is effective stuff and the atmosphere, once the homestead is hit by a well timed rainstorm, is perfect for late night viewing with the lights off. In the end I was reminded more of SCORSESE's CAPE FEAR than the original shocker this was based on. There is one tiny little problem though…
This movie has the worst ending ever, the dumbest, most out of place, tacked on ending in the world. At first I thought I'd just ignore it and pretend it didn't happen, but I've decided to embrace it. It may destroy in one instance the respect the film worked so very hard to gain, but it's also, when you think about it, pretty damn funny.
Offspring
I love JACK KETCHUM, he scares the hell out me and once opened, you'd need a crowbar to pry one of his books out of my hands. OFFSPRING, scripted by KETCHUM himself, is based upon the literary sequel to his inaugural terrorizer OFF SEASON. If you're wondering why we're being presented with an adaptation of a sequel before its predecessor, as with many movie head scratchers, it involves a behind the scenes legal issue of some sort. No matter, OFFSPRING works just as well as a standalone story. In fact, the skeletal plot shadows the original tale closely. Basically you have a group of civilized folks battling off a tribe of attacking feral cannibals. An ex-cop is brought in to aid the police and a bloody climax takes place in the cave dwelling of the snarly savages.
On the page KETCHUM can convince you of anything, but OFFSPRING, as a film, has a much steeper hill to climb. Even though I have to admit to being vaguely freaked during some scenes (particularly during the first major attack on the film's happy family) there's a great deal here that fails to persuade. I like to think of myself as pretty adept at forgiving a film its budgetary restrictions, but the cave here looks borrowed from SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS and unfortunately (thanks to Aunt John's tutelage) I now know a bad wig when I see one. Trust me, the wild marauders depicted are truly disturbing in their actions but, much like in the case of the now dated original THE HILLS HAVE EYES, it's difficult to always take the grunting, blackened-toothed actors in loin clothes seriously.
Lovers of raw, depraved cinema may find scraps to gnaw on here and I appreciate the sparse approach, especially in terms of the films soundtrack. Still, the lack of credibility remains a major roadblock. The reality is, bringing KETCHUM's vicious vision unadulterated to the screen is probably not only impossible but also illegal. Where say, THE GIRL NEXT DOOR made up for its cinematic limitations by concentrating on tone and performances, OFFSPRING, by nature, hasn't quite the same option. Director ANDREW VAN DEN HOUTEN (HEADSPACE) can't really be faulted for going straight for the jugular but without a believably solid rack to hang his entrails on, it's an empty gesture. OFFSPRING has disturbing moments for sure (how else can you describe an infant thrown like a football?), but mostly it just feels routinely (and too often, humorously)…off.
Paranormal Activity
Really? That's it? That's PARANORMAL ACTIVITY? I'm not a hard guy to scare. I've gotten the creeps watching A HAUNTING on A&E in the middle of the day. I jump when the phone rings, my doorbell jolts me like electroshock therapy, I have bad dreams about kittens and I can't stomach the nightly news. THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT actually did freak me out. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY? Nothing …nada. I'm not trying to be contrary. I didn't go in the theater with a chip on my shoulder; I tried very hard to get into this movie. I left my expectations at the door and I imagined it was all happening to me (something that usually works) and still I felt zero fear. What the heck is supposed to be scary in this movie? A blanket falling off the bed? C'mon…really?
Maybe it's me. Maybe because sleepwalking, hours of lost time, unexplained bite marks and crouching in fear from unseen malevolent forces are such huge parts of my day to day existence that they just don't freak me out as much as they should on film. I wanted to be scared, I did. I hate people who say they don't get scared! Still, I don't get this movie! How is it that this movie struck a nerve with some people? To me it's just a story about some garden-variety schlub who's scared of the baggage (i.e. emotional needs) that comes with the gal he just shacked up with. Yea, a Ouji board catches on fire, but the scariest thing in this movie to me was the book on demons that he leafs through. I get subtle horror people, I do; I swear. I don't need slimy monsters and decapitations. Ugh, maybe I just hated the way the couple depicted decorated thier home. Was she having a crafty beading party at one point? I hate this couple. I think they cut in front of me at the concession stand before the movie and asked for unsalted popcorn.
Oh well, to each his own. I don't feel ripped off or anything. I don't feel tricked by the brilliantly creative advertising campaign. I just feel like I got a lap dance from someone that everybody but me is turned on by (wouldn't be the first time). If you find this movie scary, all I can say is I am sooooo jealous of you. I want to be you right now. I want to sleep with the lights on tonight. I want to double bolt my door and watch SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH until I'm relaxed and stable again. Maybe I should put on [REC] or WOLF CREEK to get to that place. I know, I'll watch THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT! If only I could get this damn SINEAD O'CONNOR TUNE out of my head…
Where The Wild Things Are :: Soundtrack
I wanted to write a review for the WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE soundtrack, but what the hell do I know about writing about music besides, "It's got a good beat and I can drink to it." Still, I feel compelled to tell y'all about just how enjoyable this soundtrack is. I was a borderline fan of THE YEAH YEAH YEAHS and then became a die-harder with the release of their dipped in chocolaty new wave IT'S BLITZ!
My opinion of KAREN O, the YEAHS front woman has expanded even further still now that my ears have gotten a taste of her work with the WILD THINGS soundtrack; it's joyous, vaguely creepy and filled with junkyard beats that stay bouncing around your cranium for days. Also performing on this album is a bunch of folks from other bands too hip to be known by me, and a chorus of kids. (Whether it's PINK FLOYD's THE WALL or PAT BENATAR'S WE BELONG, who doesn't love a chorus of kooky kids?) You can listen to the whole album HERE and if ya' dig it, buy it on the Amazon HERE.
Hey, Aunt John even likes it and that guy only listens to DOLLY PARTON Christmas music!
Halloween III: Season of the Witch (A Holiday Classic!)
In 1982 audiences across the globe cried like big babies because they didn't get their Michael Myers rattle in HALLOWEEN 3: SEASON OF THE WITCH. Talk about pearls before swine, a critical and commercial failure, H3, or as I like to call it "The non-stop genius show" was considered the redheaded step child, black sheep, blighted pimple of the HALLOWEEN franchise for years. When H3 walked down the streets of town, spinsters called it a floozy and spit on its shoes. Thankfully one day everyone everywhere decided to stop smoking crack and woke up to the obvious slice of perfection before them and declared HALLOWEEN 3: SEASON OF THE WITCH the greatest robot-infested, killer mask thriller that involves a stolen rock from Stonehenge that TOM ATKINS has ever starred in and an unmitigated holiday classic for all eternity. Nice job catching up dum-dums!
HALLOWEEN 3 knows how great it is, but it's not stuck up like some other sequels (get over yourselves TROLL 2 and LEPRECHAUN 4: IN SPACE!) The reason it works as well as it does may be because it is respectful enough to honor many of the holiday classics that came before it, particularly the untouchable RANKIN AND BASS cannon. Hear me now and believe me never, I've compiled the evidence and I almost know what I'm talking about. Below are some instances of suspicious overlapping that will make even the most credulous among you go hmmm, like you're at a C+C MUSIC FACTORY concert…
EVIL OLD BASTARDS!
Be it Conal Cochran or Burgermeister Meisterburger, one thing's for sure, old rich white dudes with nothing but time on their hands want to rain on your parade. These guys hate holidays of all kinds because they promote joy and laziness amongst the masses.
SUFFER THE CHILDREN!
Our world's innocent children are always the targets in these nefarious schemes! I'm not sure what is worse, taking a child's toy away from them or making their head explode into a seething mass of snakes and vermin by way of vague witchery that incorporates Halloween masks, television signals and stone shavings from Stonehenge, but both sound like they would be about as appealing to a kid as a McDonald's Salad Shaker.
CAPITALSM: A LOVE STORY
Putting aside children's general unhappiness and/or mass annihilation, just think of what the absence of holidays would do to our struggling economy! Granted if Cochran's plan were to come to pass, insecticides and snake trap sales would go through the roof, but only at the expense of the bankruptcy of Ferra Pan.
TOWNSPEOPLE ARE PARANOID AND NOSY!
In some cases they are fearful of strangers wearing bright red outfits and in other cases they are rightfully curious about what's going on in that motel room between that old guy and that young chippy that could be his daughter.
NEVER TOO BUSY FOR HITTIN' BOOTS
Everyone with awe inspiring facial hair knows that when the going gets tough, the tough get busy and by busy I mean, (insert gross sexual euphemism of your choice here) wink-wink, nudge-nudge or as the audience on FAMILY MATTERS says "Woooooooooo!"
CLOCKWORK MINIONS!
With the possible exceptions of Hitler and RACHAEL RAY, most obvious embodiments of evil have a hard time finding gullible yes men to do their bidding. Enter robots; robots do what you tell them to do and you never have to thank them or worry about unionization.
THE HERO IS CAPTURED!
Well, at least one of these guys gets to watch the original HALLOWEEN during entrapment.
EVIL HEADGEAR
A talking Easter bonnet or a booby-trapped Halloween mask; who's to say which is more foul and diabolical?
BRAIN NUMBING TUNES!
What better way to get an audience to remember you than cramming a torturously repetitive song into their heads?
STILL NOT CONVINCED?
Neither am I, so here's a shot of Mrs. Claus with her face blasted by a laser beam and a bug crawling out of her mouth!
