Hey gang, it's that time again. Time for NAME THAT TRAUMATOT! Are you excited? O.K., the screen captures are on the sucky side because I'm getting to the bottom of the barrel and some of these are a bit obscure but hey, who cares? It's Friday, and I'm in love…with trauma!
The ending of LUCKYEE MCGEE's MAY is enough to leave one of our dear readers (Gillig) in tears. I totally get that because between you and me and the lamp post, the ending of CANDYMAN has the same effect on me (Oh man, when everyone shows up to VIRGINIA MADSEN's funeral…hold on, I have something in my eye…) What about you guys? Any horror movie make you turn on the waterworks? If not, what movie brought you the closest to loosing it? How about that dog in FLY 2? I know that got some of you! Leave a comment, share, purge, heal..
May's got some serious social problems; her desire to connect with others is at such a fever pitch that her needy frequency just ends up scaring folks away. What is it that could make a creative, smart, adorably attractive young lady like May a jittery, mumbling, palm-raping, cat assassinating, Shleprockian outsider with a romantic track record to rival Pepe Lepew? Why, it's just gots to be kindertrauma! You heard that right, kindertrauma; the flavor you savor for life!
At the beginning of LUCKY MCGEE's ode to Frankenstein, laundromats and hobo patches, we learn that as a child, titular character May (a stitching her way into legendary status ANGELA BETTIS) didn't quite fit in with her peers. Before you say "Take a number, sister," let me inform you that poor little mini-May (CHANDLER RILEY HECHT) had to wear a pirate patch on account of her eye being lazier than a Sunday morning hammock ride. Worse yet, her mom was one of those type "A" personalities — care to guess what "A" stands for? — always singing the praises of "perfection," a word that should never be used unless you are talking about a pop-up puzzle game from Milton Bradley.
Mom tells little May "If you can't find a friend, make one," and presents her with a handmade doll on her birthday. This gesture might have been sweet if mom didn't also inform May that the doll must never be touched and must be kept in a glass box forever. Although Suzy the doll does make a grand pal for the most part, May's lifelong frustration with never being able to touch or feel her friend echoes her social discomfort and has a ripple effect that eventually results in a lot of BREEDERS music being played and ANNA FARRIS getting her throat slashed by duel scalpels.
As is often the fates' hilarious sense of humor, the time period before adult May's spiral into the abyss of howling madness and multiple homicides is that of rejuvenation and hope. After May has her eye fixed it seems all her childhood traumas are fixed too. She now has a new lease on life and is excited to share herself with others in a way previously thought impossible. Adam (SIX FEET UNDER's JEREMY SISTO) appears to be the perfect dream date, what with all his curly dark locks and admiration for ARGENTO. As it turns out though, Adam only likes to make movies about people biting each other, he doesn't like to be bitten so much himself, and when May tries to connect with him on what she perceives as his own level, she ends up with egg (and blood) on her face.
Don't fret May! There are other guys out there and besides who cares about dudes when Polly (ANNA FARRIS) is barking up your tree? Polly ain't a poseur, she won't sweat a bite or two, but look out May, she's not a one woman lady either! Broken hearted and scorned from every angle, May makes the only choice anyone ever can in such a situation and decides to chop off the good parts of those that torment her, scrap the crappy parts, sew all that junk together and make a decent person who can give a gal a break; but not before causing a bit of kindertrauma herself…
Sufferers of childhood trauma here's a cure for what ails ya… cause some trauma your own darn self! Sometime before our May has her, "Ah-hah, I'll just kill everybody!" moment (something that would never be approved of by OPRAH) she passes the kindertrauma baton on to a bunch of unsuspecting tykes. Having spied some blind children in her favorite park and feeling an affinity with their reliance on the act of touching in order to see, May volunteers at their school, and decides to introduce them to her BFF Suzy the doll. Only problem is, Suzy is behind glass so the kids can't check her out at all, attempts to do so result in her case smashing on the floor and the children groping around in broken glass with bleeding fingers in an attempt to "see" her. (I gotta hand it to Suzy; for a doll that is not possessed, doesn't carry a weapon and never becomes animated in anyway, she sure causes a ruckus!) Luckily, MAY has a happy ending where death and insanity grab the reigns of reality and yell "Giddy-up!" Poor May's ordeal might be over, but just think of the stories those blind kids will be able to tell!
Hey it's another Friday and time for N.T.T.! But wait!!!! DON"T MAKE A GUESS JUST YET! Today is super special because, as of last week, we collectively identified 100 traumatots! Time to celebrate and reward ourselves WITH PRIZES!!!! Below are 10 twisted images of our picks for THE TOP 10 TRAUMATOTS OF ALL TIME! (don't hold us to them though.) Guess or identify as many as you can — but don't leave your guesses in the comment section (that will give away the answers!) instead, send us an email with your guesses to Kindertrauma@gmail.com!
Whoever guesses the most the fastest will win a PRIZE!
The second fastest and wisest will win the same PRIZE!
If you are stumped or late to the game you can still win a PRIZE because yet another person will be picked randomly in some yet to be determined way.
THE PRIZES ARE GOOD TOO!!! You will get a brand spanking new factory sealed DVD of the super excellent horror flick with the best title ever MURDER LOVES KILLERS TOO!!!
Not only that, but you will also get a too beautiful for words giant sized poster for MURDER LOVES KILLERS TOO signed by the brilliantly talented artist who created it STEPHEN ROMANO!
Winners will be announced in the comments section tonight!
NOW GET TO GUESSIN' KIDS!
With the sad news of the passing of DAVID CARRADINE many are sure to be mentioning his celebrated performance in KILL BILL. I on the other hand, must take this opportunity to speak of his astounding gender bending turn in the little seen 1989 cult oddity SONNY BOY. If witnessing CARRADINE in drag is not incentive enough for you to track this baby down, note that the film also features BRAD DOURIFF (CHILD'S PLAY) and PAUL L. SMITH (The loopy gardener from PIECES). SONNY BOY is as crazy as GIMME A BREAK! fan-fiction but it's also rather poignant and truly an experience you'll not soon forget. You just know a movie is damn good when LEONARD MALTIN calls it a "Repulsive, socially unredeemable waste of celluloid." (Contrarily, David Durmody of PAPER MAGAZINE voted SONNY BOY the best film of the decade in a VILLAGE VOICE poll). So long Mr. CARRADINE and thank you for participating in the insanity that is SONNY BOY!
Hey now, did I not just recently make a statement about the sad fact that if one wants to see a decent horror movie they are better off staying home and renting rather than going to the theater? Luckily for all of us, the known universe was at least partially created to prove me wrong at regular intervals and consequently there is now a horror movie playing in theaters nationwide that is actually good. Ah-hah! I got you universe! I got you with my fancy reverse psychology! I just went to see DRAG ME TO HELL and I didn't even want my money back by the end! I liked it and from what I could tell, so did the other people in the audience. Yep, they even clapped just like you are supposed to do after you have been successfully entertained.
It's pretty neat to witness a simple story enthusiastically told by a person who knows what they are doing. DRAG ME is a crisp, clean cut of horror, designed to run like a funhouse ride, full of squirms and screams with zero bitter after taste. It has no intention of shaking you to your core or changing your life, but it is bound and determined to remind you that every once in a while horror can be fun. Everybody knows that director SAM RAIMI (THE EVIL DEAD TRILOGY) knows how to work a camera in stunningly inventive ways, but his real gift on display in DRAG is his talent for well-timed, pitch black comedy. You won't find any gritty realism here, but RAIMI has an astonishing ability to keep things breezy while still allowing his characters' hands to get sufficiently dirty. Miraculously the film's conclusion is wonderfully cop-out free.
ALISON LOHMAN (WHITE OLEANDER) took over the film's lead when ELLEN PAGE (JUNO) flaked, which is all kinds of fine by me. The role requires LOHMAN to go from mild and self-effacing to wild and self-serving without being too self-aware or losing the audience's sympathy. It's a lot to ask, but LOHMAN pulls it off and her delivery of the line "Here, kitty, kitty" is, mark my words, destined for horror infamy. In fact, I think you can expect DRAG ME TO HELL itself to become a future classic. Hopefully the DVD release will coincide with Halloween 2009, as this is the type of non-taxing, fun loving, yet still effective spook show that is tailor made for the holiday and can be enjoyed by many ages (DMTH is PG-13 but somehow doesn't reek of it.) I wouldn't wait for the DVD release though, SAM RAIMI has made it safe (and worthwhile) for horror fans to head back to the theater. Grab some like minded friends and expect some spirited conversation afterwards.
It's Friday and time for another rousing round of "Name That Traumatot!" Your Unkle Lancifer is going to sit this one out so the festivities will be hosted by super celebrity Aunt John. He'll give you the answers and clues when needed. After today you will have collectively identified 100 movies, pretty impressive stuff. Good luck kids!
Am I last kid on the block to watch JACK BROOKS: MONSTER SLAYER? I had been reading about it for some time, finally bought a copy and then just sat on it for months (literally- it somehow found its way under the couch)! Well, just in case there are any other stragglers out there even more lost in the eighties than I tend to be, here is a spiffy post all about how I finally watched it and how I think if you have not yet, you should.
JACK BROOKS: MONSTER SLAYER is about a guy named Timmy O'Tool, no, just kidding, it's about a guy named Jack Brooks and yeah, by the end of the flick he does indeed turn out to be a monster slayer! The movie has been compared to THE EVIL DEAD films and PETER JACKSON'S DEAD ALIVE, but try not to think about that because that will just leave you needlessly disappointed when you should be enjoying yourself. Personally, I was reminded of the criminally overlooked straight to DVD gem SOULKEEPER from 2001. (SOULKEEPER has the worst cover art in the history of the DVD, but it's a really entertaining supernatural romp with a DEBRA GIBSON cameo that should be seen by all! My hero in life BRAD DOURIF even shows up!) J.B. may also owe a tip of the trucker hat to an ass kicking gal named BUFFY which is just fine by obsessive Sunnydale dweller me.
When we first meet Jack he has some severe anger management issues which stem from a real life kindertrauma he endured. As a child Jack witnessed the slaughter of his family during a camping trip at the hands of a hideous creature. Therapy is useless and it is only when Jack owns up to his anger and channels it into the destruction of similar monsters that he finds his true calling. The first half of the film might lose some impatient viewers with its cartoon character development, but once Jack achieves self actualization it is wall-to-wall action garnished with joy inducing splatter and a highly appreciated zero CGI ratio. Somewhere in the future I am waiting in line to purchase its sequel and I'm very, very excited.
Here is where I give big props to horror legend ROBERT ENGLUND. Seeing his name on the DVD cover I wrongfully guessed that ENGLUND was going to show up, be ROBERT ENGLUND, grab a paycheck and then split. He's actually amazing in this movie and showcases some serious chops in the physical comedy department. Who knew? I've always been impressed with ENGLUND's ability to emote so much personality from behind a wall of makeup, but now I'm picturing an alternative universe where he might have been the second coming of JERRY LEWIS. Way to show me what an assuming closed minded twerp I am Mr. ENGLUND, I like it when actors do that!
TREVOR MATTHEWS does a fine job in the title role and is a breeze to hang out with for the course of the film. He's no BRUCE CAMPBELL but neither are you. Kudos also go to RACHEL SKARSTEN, if for nothing else than forcing me to contemplate the concept of latent heterosexuality. I'm going to throw this baby onto the ever growing pile of movies in my head that support the fact that if you want to see a good horror movie these days you're better off cranking up the T.V. and staying home. Turns out there's plenty of great stuff going on this decade, just maybe not at your local theater.
