Author: unkle lancifer
Nightbreed
I'll be honest with you, the first time I saw CLIVE BARKER'S NIGHTBREED I didn't really get it. I loved the beginning and most of the middle, but by the end the movie had lost me. I was simply unconvinced; sections seemed implausible or downright ridiculous. The whole thing was just too fantastic and weird for me. Some of the monsters were "cool" but a couple I thought were pretty damn lame.
The truth is, it was I who was lame. I just wasn't ready to let go of my slasher expectations and go with the flow. CLIVE had created something so unusual and original that I automatically withdrew because it wasn't what I expected. The sad thing is that the movie is pretty much about idiots like the one I used to be, who, rather than take a second to try to understand something, reject it outright just because is different.
The good news is that I eventually grew the hell up and my mind expanded. Eventually I became worthy of appreciating NIGHTBREED for the flawed but brilliant film it is. It was all there all the time (well, at least the parts that were not jettisoned by an apathetic FOX studios). All I had to do was settle the hell down and listen, rather than try to direct the film psychically from my theater chair.
Based on his novella CABAL, and adapted by BARKER himself, NIGHTBREED tells the tale of Aaron Boone (CRAIG SHEFFER), a tortured soul who has been having dreams of a subterranean hive of variant monsters and phantasmic ghoulies . Having been convinced by his cold as an ice pick psychiatrist that he is responsible for the death of innocents, Boone, rather than fearing the monster world, yearns to find solace amongst societal rejects.
Boone's psychiatrist is played by, none other than, director DAVID CRONENBERG, and perhaps it is he who I should place the blame on for dampening the rest of the picture for me. Speaking in monotones that make the computer from 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY seem emotionally hysterical and often slipping into an awesome button-eyed, zipper-mouthed bag mask, my fascination with this character was so fervent that anytime he was off screen I was basically twiddling my mental thumbs awaiting his return. Furthermore, his character's name, Dr. Philip K. Decker, was a nod to the brain behind BLADE RUNNER so I was pretty much on cloud nine or should I say cloud nerd. Honestly, none of the other characters stood a chance with me.
Well there is a lot more going on in NIGHTBREED that I might have noticed if I did not have hearts in my eyes for the psychopathic main villain (who, by the way, is a total dickhead and whose mask of normalcy and blatant hypocrisy is the true evil presence in the movie). Many see NIGHTBREED as openly gay BARKER's coming out story and he backs that idea as well (We're here, we have extendable centipede arms, get used to it!). BARKER allows us access to a world of bizarre characters that, as it turns out, are not quite as monstrous as the accepted "normal" people who are bent on destroying them. In the end our pal Boone is required to embrace his differences in order to gain power from them (in other words, let his freak flag fly). Really this tale works for anybody gay or straight who at one time or another has felt different, like an outsider or somehow not complete (I'm looking at you entire world -don't try to front!) Certainly all that is enough for a little monster movie but wait there's more…
NIGHTBREED is a great love story (Clive's CABAL even more so). Lori (ANNE BOBBY), Boone's faithful girlfriend, in my opinion, is the real catalyst for all the action that takes place here. Her image might not be painted on the prophecy walls in the underground Oz, but it's her and Boone's mutual acceptance and regard for each other that is really steering this ship. Lori's love is unconditional and she can give a crap about the weirdoes her man has been hanging out with lately, and Boone risks rejection by his new crew when he can't stand by and watch her die at the hands of his hyper clinical, sick-o shrink. Aww shucks, I'm getting ferklemp again! Anyways, I was hoping these two knuckle head love birds would make it work. To quote my pal Nini, "Love conquers Biology!"
NIGHTBREED, thanks to studio interference (over 20 minutes of BARKER's director's cut was chopped out), a half-assed ad campaign (which reused an image from the poster from BAD DREAMS), and dumb-dumb audience members like myself, was a bit of a flop. It's too bad because even though it is in no way perfect, it's still a great tale. So I guess this review is really more of a public apology…
NIGHTBREED I'm sorry I threw you out, I'm sorry I sided with that dickhead Decker and if it's not too late, I'm ready to embrace your wonderful, absolutely unique monstrousness!
Splinter
I don't know what has been going on lately but as the Pointer Sisters once sang, "I think I like it." I spent the last year feeling nostalgic for the horror movies of my youth and feeling mostly ambivalent about the exhaustive blue-toned assembly line that represents modern horror. Was I turning into an old coot? Was I too jaded to enjoy anything anymore? In fact when it came down to writing up a year-end round up of the best horror, Aunt John and I were left grasping at straws that neither of us could muster much enthusiasm for (with the lone exception of LET THE RIGHT ONE IN). Then suddenly, in the last couple of weeks, it seems like every horror flick I have seen has knocked at least one of my argyle socks off (with the lone exception of THE UNBORN). The latest movie to get me all hot and bothered is SPLINTER, a compact little throwback to the squishy monster movies that excited me as a kid. It's like somebody made a microwavable Hot Pocket version of THE THING. How tasty does that sound?
This movie's similarities with CARPENTER's classic do not end with its mutable eye popping creature. The set up, which involves a botched carjacking and an eventual standoff in a gas station convenience store, allows for a group of strangers to converge and eventually unite in order to save their own skins. The hurried showdown in a seemingly innocuous space recalls much of CARPENTER's other output as well, from ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 to PRINCE OF DARKNESS. The characters: an untrustworthy, gruff criminal, his zonked out, addle minded squeeze and their two unlucky hostages: a brainy husband and his kick ass "firecracker" wife crash and bounce off of each other to crackling effect. As cardboard broad as this motley crew may seem on the surface, when the infectious shit hits the fan most of them (the ones that live) get to show different layers and strengths you were not expecting. Here is something else, and it seems to be what's separating the wheat from the chaff as far as modern horror goes, I really liked and/or was interested in the characters in this movie. Crazy right? Never once was I prompted to ooh and ahh at a snarky debutante's home decor or left wondering if I should join a gym and update my jeans. That's kind of special to me.
The monster, although a sister to everything from THE BLOB to the gruesome greenery in THE RUINS, is still a highly original brain storm come to life that is, at some points, just plain stop you in your tracks awesome. Even the less convincing effects are at least visually stimulating. I know that SPLINTER was recently shown on the SciFi Channel, but I'm sure it was not in uncut form and this movie is definitely one that deserves to be seen in its entirety. For a small independent production, SPLINTER is far more fun and entertaining than anyone has the right to expect. It's rather perfect in the way that it never over extends itself or looses focus on the situational horror at hand. By looking backward and cherry picking tried and true elements from classic horror films, SPLINTER might not earn the title of groundbreaking, but at least it has the courtesy to not waste any of your time. Of course there was many a scene where I just wanted to grab the camera myself and hold it steady so I could get a decent uncluttered view of the beasty, but ultimately I think any movie that leaves you wanting more rather than glancing at your watch for an excuse to escape should be commended. SPLINTER did have a limited theatrical release, but for all intents and purposes this is a direct to DVD affair which is more than fine by me. This movie and my beer stained couch were absolutely made for each other!
Traumafessions :: Kinderpal Mickster (on behalf of her nephew) on An American Tail
Over the weekend, I was listening to a rebroadcast of America's Top 40 with CASEY KASEM from February 1987. There was a song on the countdown that reminded me of a trauma suffered by my nephew. The song was "Somewhere Out There" sung by Linda Ronstadt and James Ingram. This song is from the 1986 animated film AN AMERICAN TAIL. It seemed like a harmless animated movie that could not possibly traumatize a child.
Well, in the fall of 1987 my sister and her husband decided they wanted to go out of town for the weekend and leave my nephew (3 years old) and my niece (8 months old) with me (16 years old). The only flaw in this fabulous plan was selecting AN AMERICAN TAIL as the entertainment. Bear in mind that this was the first time (other than the birth of my niece) my nephew had been separated from his parents. About the time, Fievel is separated from his family and begins telling everyone he meets he lost his family my nephew began crying. For the rest of the weekend all I heard was, "I've lost my family." constantly. Due to a poor choice at the video store, my nephew was traumatized and I was annoyed. To this day, I can't stand AN AMERICAN TAIL.
Traum-mercial Break :: Drug Snake
* Thanks to the ever awesome FatherOfTears!
The Bridge To Terrabithia
I give up. I throw up my hands and I give up. It's like I just discovered that I'm a Cylon except like a really, really wimpy one. After being beaten to a pulp by EDEN LAKE, then being misled and thrown for a loop by BABYSITTER WANTED, I was ready to just watch a normal movie with no surprises or hidden agendas. I was off to a good start because BURNT OFFERINGS was on cable this past weekend and I dutifully watched it twice. No surprises there; the chimney falls on the kid's head every time! So far so good, but this morning when I was flipping channels I got zoomed yet again when I decided watching THE BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA would be a good idea.
Hey, it's just a couple kids building a tree house and making up an elaborate fantasy world in the forest, what could go wrong?
Cut to an hour and a half later when your Unkle Lancifer is a sniveling pile of goo. I can't take it anymore! If there had been a MANDY MOORE song over the closing credits, I would have blown my brains out like a cartoon cat with only, "Goodbye cruel world!" as my last words. So if you're keeping score at home: EDEN LAKE kicked my ass; BABYSITTER WANTED slapped me around a bit; and then when I thought I was ready to brush myself off and move on, little, tiny innocent baby BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA snuck in, stomped on my foot like SHIRLEY TEMPLE and then taunted me to tears.
If you've only seen commercials and trailers for BRIDGE then you may think, as I did, that it is a fantasy adventure movie like, say, THE LION THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE. You may even think it's a corny feel-good movie about the power of imagination… it's a trick! A Trojan horse! Yes, ZOOEY DESCHANEL plays a music teacher who sings "Why can't we be friends?", but it's just to soften you up for the sucker punch! Watching BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA is actuality more like witnessing BAMBI's mother getting shot in the face by SOUNDER over and over again while GENA ROWLANDS and JAMES GARNER cheer from the sidelines.
Here is an admission you'll not likely to read on BLOODY DISGUSTING or AIN'T IT COOL NEWS, later today I'm going to go out and buy a Little Lord Fauntleroy outfit complete with Dutch boy wig. After I put both on I'm going to purchase the largest all day lollipop I can find and I'm going to skip all the way home with it. If any bullies pick on me, I'm going to give them a big wet raspberry and then jump on a pink pogo stick and bounce away, probably to the nearest mental hospital where I can get a long rest in a rubber room preferably within a STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE sleeping bag. If you've seen this movie, you know what I'm talking about, and if you have not, well you have been warned. Who says trauma is just for kids?!?
Horror Fans And The Movies That Love Them
Horror fans. Who and what are horror fans? Are they unhinged psychopathic time bombs who get a vicarious thrill witnessing pain being inflicted upon their fellow man? Are they ineffectual nerds who are preoccupied with processing their feelings of powerlessness in the universe by viewing assembly line murders? Are they simply antisocial misfits who misspell the word uncle and live in a make believe castle who waste time writing posts on blogs that sound more and more like rejected SEX AND THE CITY voiceovers? We may never know and I, for one, could give a crap. I'm just writing everything you are reading now to justify my posting of awesome gore shots from my current movie obsession CARL REINER's hilarious send up of not so modern education SUMMER SCHOOL!
That's right SUMMER SCHOOL! If you're asking yourself what the hell is a comedy like SUMMER SCHOOL doing on Kindertrauma well, have fun asking yourself that and let me know how that works out for you. I'm just writing about SUMMER SCHOOL because I love it and I love the characters of Chainsaw and Dave who just happen to be big time horror movie fans and adore THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE specifically. Plus, don't you know that SUMMER SCHOOL (pronounced "Summa Skule") stars SHAWNEE SMITH (1988's THE BLOB), DEAN CAMERON (BAD DREAMS), KELLY JO MINTER (A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET: THE DREAM CHILD) and features songs from sexy kinder-babe E.G DAILY (BAD DREAMS, ONE DARK NIGHT)? So here's to SUMMER SCHOOL and now lets take a look at those gore shots….
Pretty disgusting, huh? Boy this is a pretty lame post. How can I turn it around? I know, I'll make it a highfalutin list! We all love lists, right? Be they grocery, shit or even HALL & OATES' famous list of the best things in life (Your kiss is on that one!) Let's make a list of horror films that feature horror fans as characters shall we?
SALEM'S LOT: Little LANCE-Y KERWIN liked classic horror movies (The kind in black and white where nobody ever gets a shish kabob shoved down their throat or jumps out of a television to kill you) very much in this STEPHEN KING adaptation. It's a good thing he did too, ‘cuz it ends up saving his ass when he uses a crucifix from one of his horror models to scare away a pesky floating vampire kid!
THE FUNHOUSE: Remember Amy Harper's little brother Joey? (SHAWN CARSON) His bedroom was covered in memorabilia and he was so into horror flicks that he dressed up as a killer and stabbed his sister in the shower with a rubber knife. What a perv!
FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE FINAL CHAPTER: Tommy Jarvis was a horror fan and spent much of his time creating masks and elaborate special effects that were on par with the work of master TOM SAVINI! Good Job Tommy!
SCREAM: Randy Meeks (JAMIE KENNEDY) watched so many horror movies that when the time came for all his friends to be murdered he believed that actual real life would echo the structure of one of his favorite films and guess what, he was right!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME: Creepy Alfred may not have been that into horror cinema at all but he certainly liked to create fake decapitated heads in his spare time. He could also make really great MELISSA SUE ANDERSON masks which if you think about it would really come in handy if you were dressing up as Mary Ingles for Halloween!
THE BLOB: Little Kevin Penny just had to see GARDEN TOOL MASSACRE, "a standard slice and dice" that featured a killer in a hockey mask who killed camp counselors. Somewhere out there adult Kevin Penny is nursing the wounds of having to endure GARDEN TOOL MASSACRE's remake!
FINAL EXAM: Not so final boy Radish (JOEL S. RICE) decorated his dorm room with posters from THE TOOLBOX MURDERS and THE CORPSE GRINDERS, but unfortunately his knowledge of horror did zero to help him survive an identity free slasher on campus.
FADE TO BLACK: Lonely cinemaphile Eric Binford (DENNIS CHRISTOPHER) likes to dress up as his favorite movie icons including DRACULA and THE MUMMY among others when he murders the bullies who torment him. Look out young MICKEY ROURKE! That dude means to kill you!
SPIRIT OF THE BEEHIVE: Munchkin Ana Torrent becomes so obsessed with JAMES WHALE's FRANKENSTEIN and particularly the scene where the monster accidentally drowns a little girl that it alters her view of reality entirely.
6 FILMS TO KEEP YOU AWAKE: A REAL FRIEND: Speaking of loosing a grip on reality, teenager Estrella (NEREA INCHASTI) much like Chainsaw and Dave from SUMMER SCHOOL idolizes Leatherface from TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE to such a degree that she imagines that the goofball is her B.F.F.! With friends like that, who needs enemies who are still breathing?
FRIGHT NIGHT: Reluctant vampire hunter Charlie Brewster (WILLIAM RAGSDALE) is a horror fan whose favorite show just happens to be hosted by legendary horror star Peter Vincent (RODDY MCDOWALL)
So what says yooze guys? Can you think of any more movies, horror or otherwise, that feature horror fans as characters? Contrary to popular belief, my brain can't come up with everything! Help an Unkle out! Remember, mind over matter!