Author: unkle lancifer
The Unborn (2009)
Before we start talking about the movie THE UNBORN I have to tell you guys about the crazy day I've had. Can you believe that I ran over a four-year-old child in my car?
Oh, don't worry. He seemed O.K. when I left him. In fact, all I gotta say on the subject is what a weird kid!
Now, do you feel that perhaps my attitude about what I've done seems a bit I don't know… casual? Well don't worry, I DID NOT run over a kid in my car but in the movie THE UNBORN a character literally tells her friend what I just told you and her friend's response is to basically shoo her away and change the subject back to herself. Herself being Casey Beldon (ODETTE YUSTMAN), who just won't stop bellyaching about some ghostly unborn sibling who keeps tormenting her. Hey Casey, if you think unborn siblings are a pain in the ass, try dealing with ones that lived!
Being inherently self obsessed and devoutly whiney myself, I hate to throw stones but Casey's reaction to her gal pal's admission to a hit in run incident involving a child is pretty much par for the course in THE UNBORN. Vivid hallucinations of head twisting ghouls, potato bugs springing out of cracked eggs and tentacles sprouting out of glory holes in a women's rest room (!?!) illicit similar reactions. Sure she screams with the best of them, but the constant constipated expression on her face in the aftermath would be a more appropriate reaction for somebody who has misplaced her cell phone.
I tried to have an open mind and give THE UNBORN a fair shake. I swear to God I did, even though I knew going in that this would probably be one of those post-RING killer kid flicks where everybody's C.G.I. jaw expands like taffy and the camera shakes a lot to represent action. While we are on the subject, PLEASE STOP MAKING BLUE TONED MOVIES! I feel like I'm flipping through a fashion magazine at the dentist's office rather than watching a film. I once had an art teacher say to me, "If everything is important, nothing is important" and I think that applies to films like THE UNBORN that bludgeon you with their visual style. (Entire UNDERWORLD series you might want to jot this down.) It looks great, I'm a sucker for a glossy well photographed flick but when there is zero contrast throughout, it ends up looking like a subway car speeding by that you just can't focus on.
I would have loved a well done exorcism movie my friends but I just can't get behind a movie that stubbornly refuses to touch ground with anything resembling life on this planet. I think SPEED RACER had more of a natural sense of the human condition than I found here. Furthermore, how can I ever forgive a movie that makes GARY OLDMAN look like RODDY McDOWALL? To be nice, THE UNBORN does have a few cool, surreal moments, …well, actually no, I take that back. I think that the winter backdrop looked nice…um…yeah, the snow was pretty. Well, I'm sorry THE UNBORN ya kinda suck, but I will throw ya this bone…that glory hole monster was like the second most disgusting thing that I have ever seen in a public restroom, so big props there!
Babysitter Wanted
Gosh darn, this hurts. I can't tell you about the most intriguing aspect of BABYSITTER WANTED without ruining its most pleasant surprise. What's even more painful is that I have to resist using what would be the film's stronger images to illustrate this post for the same reason. Legitimate, well-thrown curve balls are so rare in horror movies these days that I couldn't live with myself if I diminished even a fraction of this movie's novel bite. Nope. I Just won't do it. Who says I don't have any scruples? (Put down your hand Aunt John, I thought those left over enchiladas in the fridge where fair game. Time to move on).
I know what you are thinking, "A babysitter in peril movie?… been there, done that," and you're absolutely right. In fact, the beginning of BABYSITTER WANTED does just about everything in its power to prove that it has no intention at all of covering new ground. Every cliché is in place: missing college girls, ominous phone calls from a shadowy stranger, even the standard small town feckless police officer makes an appearance in the form of BILL MOSLEY. Half way in, BABYSITTER may not be impressing you with its originality, but you have to admit it certainly does a fine job of imitating its slasher forefathers right down to its butter wouldn't melt protagonist and its obviously humble budget. Midway in I was far from wowed, but seriously enjoying the cozy vapors of nostalgia.
Once the comfortable, hoary stage is set though, a genuine wild card is hurled. I'm not sure if it's 100 percent convincing, but the effect is profoundly invigorating nonetheless. Suddenly the stakes are much higher than imagined and the opportunity for a fuzzy outcome deflates triple fold. It's sort of like thinking you are stepping into a puddle and ending up waist deep in mud. Directors JONAS BARNES and MICHAEL MANASSERI deserve props for patiently allowing things to gel before dropping their hammer. Kudos is also deserved for standing back and allowing some black humor to seep through the cracks once the game board is flipped. This may not be the scariest movie ever made and it does require a bit of the old suspension of disbelief (if you don't know how to do that… learn), but once things start ticking, it delivers quality suspense at regular intervals and ends up being a lot of fun.
Heading the cast as eighteen-year-old babysitter Angie is the closer to thirty television vet SARAH THOMPSON (7TH HEAVEN, ANGEL) who makes the journey from accommodating good girl to sneering survivalist without missing a beat. An equally impressive performance is given by BRUCE THOMAS, whose acting career began playing "Mini Ash #3" in ARMY OF DARKNESS and who has the chin to prove it. This misleadingly simple, covertly aggressive production is exactly what independent horror should be about. It also makes the case that the slasher genre itself has not even begun to fulfill its full potential. All the genre really needs is filmmakers like these who are not afraid to REALLY shuffle the deck before dealing the cards.
NOTE: Hey, that's the new Mrs. Voorhees NANA VISITOR playing Angie's ma!
ALSO: Check out BABYSITTER WANTED's official site HERE.
Eden Lake
Maybe your Unkle Lancifer is naive but my reasoning behind making my personal ordeal public is the idea that perhaps by doing so I can allow the healing to begin and maybe just maybe, save somebody from making the same mistakes I have…
Last night I invited the movie EDEN LAKE over to spend some time with me. I had heard some great things about it and had seen it on a couple of best of 2008 horror lists, so I guess I was intrigued. Originally I wasn't attracted to it at all. I wasn't thrilled with the box art it wore and let's face it, I've been around the block a couple times; I doubted it had anything new to offer me. At some point I heard it was about killer kids and I must have just convinced myself that my interest was professional and that our meeting would benefit Kindertrauma in some way. All right I'll be honest, in the back of my mind I guess I did want to be scared a little too. It's been so long since a movie really got to me, you know? Maybe EDEN LAKE could make me feel the way I used to, when I was young and the world was full of horrifying possibilities…
EDEN LAKE slipped into the DVD player at about eleven. I sorta made it watch the TOP CHEF finale with me first (Carla, NO!!!!). I had been drinking some beer, but I swear I was not drunk and from what I could tell neither was EDEN LAKE. Everything was fine for a while. Sure it was a bit uncomfortable and I did feel like I had heard everything EDEN LAKE was saying to me a million times before. Still I wasn't going to throw in the towel, a lot people really seemed to like EDEN LAKE, and a movie with that many friends can't be all bad right? I mean, at least that was what I was thinking.
Aunt John went to bed around eleven thirty which was fine by me. I don't need a chaperone and I could tell Auntie wasn't too keen on the way things were moving forward anyway. He wasn't too supportive about my relationship with WOLF CREEK either and that worked out fine, so more room on the couch for me! Now that we were alone I was hanging on EDEN CREEK's every word. The closer I looked the more it became evident that EDEN really might deserve its reputation.
Then EDEN LAKE hauled off and punched me square in the face…
Before I could even react, EDEN LAKE punched me yet again. When I stood up to demand that it get out of my DVD player it boxed my ears and kneed me in the groin. I fell into the coffee table knocking over a bowel of Gummie Life Savers. I remember staring at their bright colors and noticing how they clashed against the carpet. EDEN LAKE began to kick me over and over again in the stomach, my pleas for mercy met with mocking laughter. At one point I remember EDEN offering me a hand, as if it were all just a misunderstanding and that it really did want to be my friend, but the pathetic smile I mustered at this idea was quickly erased by a brass lamp crashing down upon my head. I couldn't believe this was happening. Sure my blind date with IRREVERSIBLE didn't exactly go as planned either, but I chalked that one up to being my fault for ignoring the signs. I trusted EDEN LAKE to be a gentleman; I mean it's British for chrissake!
Maybe I've got a bit of that Stockholm syndrome because even though I got my ass handed to me, I can't let go of the fact that EDEN LAKE, vicious as it may be, really is a good film. I know it's manipulative as hell, but it looks really good and it takes its job seriously. I'm still aching though and trying to see through a fog of hopelessness. Did I get what I asked for? I wanted to be horrified but I guess I forgot what that really meant. Now I'm left picking up the pieces. How can I explain any of this to anyone who has not experienced it?
If you're reading this EDEN LAKE, I want you to know that you are a very good movie, but make no mistake I never want to see you again!!! Also, I think you may have accidently taken my will to live with you in your haste to leave the crime scene. Do you think you could just slip it through the mail slot the next time you are in the area? I'm gonna need that back.
I, Desire
AMERICAN WEREWOLF, "Makin'It" sensation, and self-professed pepper DAVID NAUGHTON stars in this 1982 television movie that propels classic vampire lore into the age of Members Only Jackets. Its intentions to modernize the undead are made clear in the opening credits, where light chamber music and details of KLIMPT portraits give way to cat calls and neon clad hookers on Hollywood Boulevard. Looking like an extended version of the HALL AND OATES video "Maneater," I, DESIRE concerns a mysterious femme fatale who, masquerading as a streetwalker, parasitically dines on her clientele.
NAUGHTON plays law student David Balsiger whose part-time work as a morgue assistant puts him in contact with the corpse of a unlucky john who is not only drained of blood but also has tell tale bite marks on his neck. The slippery slope of obsession is not far behind. Mild curiosity leads to late nights spent combing the gritty streets and even an eventual arrest for soliciting an undercover police officer. Soon his sweet natured girl friend Cheryl (MARILYN JONES) is not only questioning his sanity, but also his fidelity.
Television vampire movie or not I, DESIRE does a fine job of presenting a relationship on the skids due to one member's dubious nocturnal activities. When we first meet David and his girlfriend they have recently moved in together and there are subtle signs that he is resisting domestication. As it turns out, the vampire David is pursuing only feeds upon men who have strayed from their relationships. In fact, he learns that a vampire has no power over a "righteous" man. When he finally comes face to face with the object of his infatuation (the female vampires' name is "Desire") David's dilemma is presented as a choice between light and dark, but it's more like a choice between picket fences and prostitutes.
I, DESIRE does have a few clunky missteps (I could have done without the canned mountain lion growl that accompanies each vampire attack), more than a few notable lines of dialogue ("You wear your righteousness like a coat so you can slip into something more comfortable when it gets too hot"), a couple neat twists, and it actually does offer a unique take on the vampire legend. The contrast between safe domesticity (complete with fifties era black and white television and music-box tunes) and seedy, early eighties Los Angeles night life (complete with bluesy saxophones and spandex) is nicely presented and a lot of fun.
In some ways I, DESIRE makes a great reverse companion piece to AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON. It also fits keenly beside PAUL SCHRADER'S 1982 take on CAT PEOPLE, with its constant rotation between fascination and fear of the erotic. As a television movie, it is limited from going to certain extremes, but if you read between the lines it has more to offer than many current attempts to tackle similar material. NAUGHTON's presence alone is enough of a reason to watch, but I should add that a young BRAD DOURIF delivers a remarkably forceful, borderline deranged performance that threatens to steal the entire production. Currently I, DESIRE is not officially available on DVD but it is indeed possible to track down. It's sleaze-light tone makes it worth the extra effort, particularly for all of you blood thirsty vampire fanatics out there, plus we're talking 1982 here, was there any better year for horror?
Note: Special thanks to Richard of the great DOOMED MOVIETHON !!!
Kindertrauma Jukebox :: Brad Dourif in Toto's Stranger In Town
Hey look it's my hero BRAD DOURIF in a TOTO video! What makes this video exceptionally kindertraumatic is that it is based on the classic HAYLEY MILLS film WHISTLE DOWN THE WIND. In that film HAYLEY and her kiddie pals give refuge to a wanted criminal who they believe is Jesus Christ. It's based on a book written by MARY HAYLEY BELL, HAYLEY MILLS real life mommie. HAYLEY's sister JULIET starred in the 1974 Italian EXORCIST wannabe BEYOND THE DOOR!
Creepshow 2
CREEPSHOW 2 is not nearly as accomplished as its predecessor. In fact, comparatively speaking, it's a tad half-assed. Where as the original boasted five stories inhabited by some of the greatest character actors in the biz, its sequel slims down to a mere three journeys into the macabre and offers GEORGE KENNEDY and DARYL HANNAH's ginger-sib PAGE. TOM SAVINI is still on board, but drops special make-up effect duties in order to host the proceedings as "The Creep," a troll faced fiend who delivers comics to put upon children. Even the animation that bonds the anthology together takes a slide backwards to resemble Saturday morning public service type filler. Lesser sequels and sophomore slumps are par for the course in horror, yet if you remove CREEPSHOW 2 from the shadow of the original it not only works fine, but also offers at least one segment that flirts with classic status.
The first story in the troika is a traditional moral revenge fantasy where a group of young, vain delinquents get what's coming to them thanks to an animated cigar store Indian. It's not a barn burner but the vengeful wooden golem looks remarkably swell and there is a undeniable satisfaction in witnessing the gruesome deaths of anyone so disrespectful as to bully, torment and eventually kill lovable old timers GEORGE KENNEDY and DOROTHY LAMOUR.
The third and final tale is an equally gratifying, yet business as usual E.C. comics-vibed comeuppance piece where originality scores low and schadenfreude scores high. LOIS CHILES (BROADCAST NEWS) plays Annie Lansing, a kept, well-to-do gigolo patron on her way home from another paid tryst that accidentally runs over a homeless man on the side of the road. Tell-tale-heart style guilt for her self-serving indiscretions is represented in the form of the sometimes hilariously death-proof hit and run victim who refuses to take the slight lying down. Vehicular horror is a nice fit for any anthology (just ask 1983's NIGHTMARES) and although this one steers dangerously close to repetitious, it eventually crashes into funny as hell.
CREEPSHOW 2's middle installment "The Raft," based on one of the more grueling of STEPHEN KING'S short stories, is the film's generally undisputed high water mark. Here four young adults find themselves trapped in the middle of a lake surrounded by a flesh eating, alarmingly cunning black sludge. Some low grade effects (Yikes! a giant floating Hefty bag!) and a limited running time do little to soften the hard to describe insidiously infectious over all effect. Like a body rotting nightmare "The Raft" makes great use of the sticky, can't scrape it off contamination anxieties that engined both the classic THE BLOB and the more recent THE RUINS. A cursory scan of Imdb comment boards identify this one as a legitimate, albeit largely unheralded, kindertrauma contender. The premise and execution may not be 100 percent convincing, but neither matter as, for many viewers, it infiltrates the psyche like a bore worm regardless.
Due to its overall modest nature, it's easy to forget that CREEPSHOW 2's pedigree is nothing to sneeze at. GEORGE ROMERO tackled the screenplay, based an assortment of STEPHEN KING tales, and hand picked his often cinematographer MICHAEL GORNICK (DAWN OF THE DEAD) for the directing chores. All in all, though, I doubt anyone involved had any illusions of surpassing the charms of the original film. These three stories, and the nearly useless animated wrap around tale, ultimately work better as a side dish to that more satisfying main course. The good news is that regardless of its also ran nature, it is never less than entertaining and at least in the case of "The Raft," it provides something unexpectedly effective and memorable.
Kinder-Flix :: The Slasher
*Tip of the hockey mask to Reader Mike D.!
The Bermuda Depths
How does one go about trying to describe the supernatural allure of THE BERMUDA DEPTHS, a 1978 made-for-television film that has cast a lingering hypnotic spell upon anyone fortuitous enough to stumble across it? (Is it too much to suggest that the secret reason for the existence of the Internet itself is so that these chosen people could track down a bootleg copy of their gospel?) This is a film that centers on a giant turtle folks, conventional wisdom would tell you that all recognitions would paint it as a camp classic or at least a guilty pleasure by now, but instead its followers, old and new, hold this oddity closely and sincerely to their hearts like a priceless family heirloom.
Part of the reason may be because THE BERMUDA DEPTHS defies categorization. Actually it may be more accurate to say that there is no genre that it does not embrace at one point or another, horror, fantasy, and action all weaved together with an undeniable leaning toward tragic romance and yes, I'm still talking about a movie involving a giant turtle. Some who have experienced this lush fable in their youth admit to confusing their memories of it with a childhood dream and it's not difficult to understand why. The soundtrack alone mystifies. Prepare to have it rustling about your brain like a hermit crab trapped in a tide pool for days after viewing.
The movie itself begins as a dizzy stumble between dream, reality and the inchoate memories of youth. Magnus (LEIGH McCLOSKEY of ARGENTO'S INFERNO) is recalling a first love, a little girl named Jennie Haniver he used to play with on the beach. One day the two find a turtle egg. They nurture the newborn into semi adulthood and send it off to sea but not before Magnus etches his feelings upon it's shell carving "M + J" within a heart. Reciprocating these thoughts, Jennie crafts a necklace from coral and presents it to Magnus. That night a storm rages and an unseen beast attacks and makes off with Magnus' scientist father leaving their ocean adjacent cliff-top home a REBECCA-like Manderlay shambles.
Now an adult Magnus has returned to his childhood home and is still unclear about what had befallen his father. He keeps coming across a mysterious woman (a surprisingly ethereal CONNIE SELLECA) who he slowly begins to realize is the girl from his youth. Problem is he's also informed that the name Jennie Haniver belongs to that of a local legend, a woman who sold her soul in exchange for eternal life during a storm at sea. It is said that she can appear as either an adult or a child, and that all those that she presents herself to are doomed to drown. Meanwhile, another childhood buddy (CARL WEATHERS) and an acquaintance of Magnus' father's (BURL IVES) are currently getting all kinds of JAWS-obsessed about some giant turtle foot prints they discovered in the sand.
Sounds crazy, I know, but somehow it all comes together like some ancient myth written in the stars. This is a story that could touch anyone at any age. Adults will recognize the bittersweet melancholia of an impossible love. Teenagers get a crashing helicopter and a hot babe with glowing eyes and kids, well kids get that cute giant turtle I was talking about. Grab the whole family, we've got a lost classic on our hands! Learning that DEPTHS was penned by ARTHUR RANKIN, JR. of RANKIN AND BASS (THE YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS) fame first seems astonishing and then absolutely appropriate.
Often when we return to beloved films of our youth we are disappointed and shocked by what we once held in such high regard. Sometimes we may even be left wondering to ourselves, "What was I thinking back then?" But if you watch THE BERMUDA DEPTHS as an adult and fail to be swept away by its poetic beauty and lazy hammock swing charms maybe the question you should be asking yourself is, "What is wrong with me RIGHT NOW?"
NOTE: I don't know how long it will last, but currently THE BERMUDA DEPTHS can be viewed on God's gift to obsessive nerds Youtube (Part 1 is HERE, follow it to the rest). If you have any kind of free time at all today, I suggest you uncross your arms, relax and let it take you out to sea.
