kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

Traumafessions :: Kinderpal Professor Von Whiskersen on the Sad Dog Bank

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Most people who know me would agree that I prefer the company of animals to that of my own species. As a child, when other kids might have had imaginary friends, I had imaginary pets. A homeless person on the side of the road might be ignored or rationalized out of existence, but seeing a malnourished dog or cat will stick with me for the rest of the day. I'm pretty immune from news stories of man's inhumanity to his fellow man (or rather, his humanity towards his fellow man), but stories of abused animals sicken me.

Anyway, when I was a child, there was a particular phenomenon that made me dread going up to the counter of most restaurants: The Crying Dog Animal Donation/Extortion Bank! If you've seen one of these, I'm sure you could instantly describe it, down to the smallest detail. You also understand why I'm writing about it. If you have NOT ever seen one of these calculated, inanimate manipulators, I'll educate you.

The Crying Dog Animal Donation/Extortion Bank was a plastic piggy-bank type device about 10 to 12 inches tall. It's form was that of some sort of yellowish hound dog, with long flowing ears, matched only by its long face. Its eyes welled with tears, with a single drop spilling onto it's cheek. There was almost always an attached placcard or business card for some local animal shelter with the following poem (which has been etched into my mind for at least the last quarter century):

"I'm so hungry I could cry. If you don't help me, I may die."

No doubt early super-computers were used to optimize the heart-tugging at work here. I'm pretty sure that the RAND corporation had some of their excess post-Vietnam War analysts work up some 10 volume set detailing the exact means to squeeze the hearts of children right in their chests. Needless to say, I was highly susceptible to this sort of manipulation. I would usually deposit money if I had any or, for days after I'd regret not having any.

I don't know if this is a Southern thing or just an '80s thing. I don't see them at restaurants as much anymore, which I am conflicted about. I like not getting depressed every time I go to the counter of A&W to pay for my Coney dogs, but I hate that a potential funding stream for homeless animals might be drying up.

If you missed out on this delightful cultural icon, don't worry. The RAND folks are still hard at work in their cramped basement offices, cranking out pure sadness and pathos. Now they'll beam it straight into your living room…and this time they've got SARAH McLACHLAN helping out.

Traumafessions :: Andrew G. of Scaresdale Manor on Famous Monsters Magazine

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I used to literally run away crying and screaming when an older neighborhood kid would hold up the front cover of FAMOUS MONSTERS magazine. BASIL GOGOS amazing detail and crazy color scheme apparently freaked me out. I am happy to say I think that's what made me love horror movies and Halloween later on in life. I also met him in 2008 and bought his beautiful hardcover book with all those photos that made me cry.

UNK SEZ: Andrew, thanks for bringing up this exceptional artist. You can be sure that a couple of his works are hanging in the Kindertrauma Castle gallery (Not so much originals as tacked up back issues of FAMOUS MONSTERS MAGAZINE. Hey, we ain't made of money!) All you kids out there should stop by Andrew's home turf today and give it a look-see. It's called SCARESDALE MANOR!

Official Traumatot:: Reader Renee Nominates Veronica Cartwright

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Dear Auntie and Uncle:

How about VERONICA CARTWRIGHT (As an official Traumatot)? As a kid she did THE BIRDS, THE TWILIGHT ZONE, ONE STEP BEYOND, and THE CHILDREN'S HOUR (which I found quite horrifying, despite it's not being a horror film). As an adult she went on toALIEN, INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS, THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK (okay it sucked and it's not horror but it has "witches" in the name and makes the list longer), and several unnerving appearances on THE X FILES.

Come on! Give her a chance!

Respectfully submitted,

Renee T.

Dear Renee, you are, as they say, preaching to the choir. VERONICA CARTWRIGHT is a favorite around here and we could not agree with you more. Besides the fine films you mentioned, she also popped up in CANDYMAN 2: FAREWELL TO THE FLESH and the kinder-fave anthology film NIGHTMARES (VERONICA starred in the segment NIGHT OF THE RAT). She even got to parody ELLEN BURSTYN's EXORCIST character Chris MacNeil in SCARY MOVIE 2. Semi recently she took another jab at the problems with pod people in the mega-dud THE INVASION. VERONICA, regardless of the production, seems to just get better with age and we are happy to fulfill your request Renee and offer her full TRAUMATOT status. In fact, I don't know why we never thought of it before. Find out more about VERONICA at her very own website HERE.

Dead of Night (1977)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I can't lie to you kids. The first two stories in this DAN CURTIS-directed, RICHARD MATHESON-scripted horror anthology/potential series pilot are in my opinion, not so hot. They are well cast and serviceable enough, but your usually game Unkle found himself looking down at his non-existent watch on more occasions than he would prefer. The first tale involves a young ED BEGLEY, JR. traveling through time in an antique car ('nuff said) and the second involves PATRICK MACNEE (yikes! Count Iblis from the original BATTLESTAR GALACTIA!) and ANJANETTE COMER (from Kinder-fave THE BABY) in a rather routine vampire tale. Third times a charm though, because the last story entitled "Bobby" delivers more creeps than an OSMOND family obstetrician.

In "Bobby," JOAN HACKET (HOW AWFUL ABOUT ALLAN) is a grieving mother who is having trouble dealing with the recent drowning death of her young son (BURNT OFFERINGS' chimney pancake LEE MONTGOMERY). Rather than going the Mrs. Voorhees route and hacking up individuals who are not even remotely responsible for the tragedy, JOAN decides to attack the problem at its source and reanimate her drowned kid via black magic. Take it from me, black magic can and will fix all of your problems BUT there is always some kind of tricky catch! Dealing with Satan is a lot like dealing with Colombia House.

You don't have to be familiar with THE MONKEY'S PAW or even PET SEMATARY to know that Mom is in for a rude awakening when a soaked Bobby does indeed show up on her doorstep. Her gradual realization that Bobby is not quite as she remembers is akin to getting excited to watch LAVERNE & SHIRLEY and then realizing it is a "California" episode. CURTIS, who staged a parallel two character showdown in TRILOGY OF TERROR, knows which screws to tighten and when and the final moments in "Bobby" brand a similar lasting mental scar. My favorite bit involves a mocking, paranoia inspiring phone call from the never seen Dad. It's a classic moment of all-consuming dread that really gets under your skin. As mediocre as DEAD OF NIGHT begins, this last tale more than makes up for it. "Bobby" is not only classic DAN CURTIS, it's some serious classic Kindertrauma as well.

Curse of the Black Widow

Posted on By unkle lancifer

CURSE OF THE BLACK WIDOW is considered by some to be a lesser work of director DAN CURTIS, but if you ask me even a lesser work by this guy is worth a look. CURSE introduces us to a familiar CURTIS protagonist, a somewhat down on his luck investigator who must work against a system that believes he is a lunatic for entertaining the idea that the solution to the problem at hand may be supernatural in origin.

In this case, a string of murders in L.A. by a femme fatale slowly begins to appear to be the work of a woman who has the ability to transform herself into a giant spider thanks to an Indian curse. As far fetched as the concept is CURTIS is able to ground at least the first half of the film in a gritty and groovy seventies reality before taking his shoes off and delivering a B-movie showdown with a papier-mâché arachnid. What separates CURSE from most of CURTIS' productions is the fact that it eventually reaches a knee-slapping, ridiculously camp crescendo but that's also what makes it so much fun.

At a time when most television movies featured women being endlessly accosted in parking lots, it's actually refreshing to find a mostly male victim roster here. (Of course centering the tale on a woman who is half spider and lingers around singles bars to catch her prey is hardly the height of feminism either). As dated as some of this happily is, CURSE still manages to come off as pretty progressive for showcasing an apparently gay mortician and a very butch girl Friday played to the hilt by ROZ KELLY. I may have said some less then flattering things about ROZ "Pinky Tuscadero" KELLY in the past, specifically in reference to her less than stellar performance on THE PAUL LYNDE HALLOWEEN SPECIAL. In fact, if I remember correctly, MR. CANACORN himself issued a fatwa against me in order to defend her dubious honor. Well, all I can say is that I am now deeply ashamed of myself because, in this movie, she frakin' owns!

In fact, as much as CURSE definitely has a great dark CURTIS vibe throughout, I gotta say the entire cast is what makes it so special to me. It may not send you to bed freaked out of your mind because a spider lady might get you, but who can say no to these actors? ANTHONY FRANCIOSA of ARGENTO's TENEBRE is the more than a likable lead and he is surrounded by such greats and not-so-greats as VIC MORROW, DONNA MILLS, JUNE LOCKHART, JUNE ALLYSON, SID CEASER, MAX GAIL of BARNEY MILLER, and last, but certainly not least, the living legend and poster girl for fractured personalities everywhere, someone who should never be shown a hot dog lest she "loose control," PATTY (CALL ME ANNA) DUKE! C'mon you know you can't resist this! It's like someone mashed up that giant spider episode of GILLIGAN'S ISLAND with KOLCHAK and then forced some LOVE BOAT stragglers to perform in it! CURSE in no way CURTIS' finest hour but if you are a fan of seventies television and laughable giant monsters it may be yours.

Official Traumatizer :: Dan Curtis

Posted on By unkle lancifer

There are some names that appear again and again on the pages of Kindertrauma (STEPHEN KING and JOHN CARPENTER being two of the most obvious multiple trauma inflictors). One name that is perhaps less well known but belongs to an equally prolific trauma supplier is DAN CURTIS. Producer, director and writer, DAN CURTIS not only supplied us with the innovative gothic daytime soap opera DARK SHADOWS, but he also pretty much redefined horror television in the 70's across the board. Besides introducing us to the ever influential character of Kolchak from the seminal television movie THE NIGHT STALKER, he was also the man responsible for the unforgettably terrifying Zuni fetish doll from the classic TRILOGY OF TERROR. His directorial work on the big screen includes the creepy haunted house flick BURNT OFFERINGS which, like much of DAN's output, is frequently cited as a movie which many young folks were forever scarred by (particularly when they stumbled across it on late night television).

His list of genre contributions go on and on and he can be thanked for bringing such classics to the small screen as DRACULA ('73), THE TURN OF THE SCREW ('74) and THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY ('73). The presence of his name in a film's or television movie's credits signals the fact that you are about to see something from somebody who truly knows his way around a horror tale. DAN CURTIS may not exactly be a household name, but there is no household that has a television that this man did not profoundly affect.

We here at Kindertrauma have no choice but to honor his brilliant career with an Official Traumatizer award. DAN the man's extensive credits speak volumes but honestly, he could have earned this baby with the Zuni fetish doll alone!

The Kids of Crystal Lake

Posted on By unkle lancifer


With a remake of FRIDAY THE 13TH just around the corner, I think it's time we take a look at the role kids have played in the Crystal Lake saga. Their significance has not been entirely consistent throughout the series, but their presence on several occasions created formidable and lasting waves…


FRIDAY THE 13TH
Aw look it's little Jason whose imagined drowning death sparked more than a decade's long bloodbath! Flashback scenes reveal two omnipresent qualities in the young man, first of all he had a face only a mother could love and secondly he's no MARK SPITZ! Less you think he was just a tragic victim, he pops up at film's end to involve himself in one of the greatest most startling shocker finales in the history of horror!


FRIDAY THE 13TH: PART 2
Remember this kid? PART 2 begins with him jumping around in puddles and just barely missing being jumped on himself by a now grown, adult Jason Voorhees. No kid likes to have to come in when called by mom but this guy should be very thankful he did. If Jason has taught us one thing it is to always heed your mother!


FRIDAY THE 13TH PART4: THE FINAL CHAPTER
Tommy Jarvis (COREY FELDMAN) stands supreme as the ultimate FRIDAY child; not only did he accomplish what so many had tried and failed to do by ending Jason's mortal life, but he also had quite a talent for suspiciously SAVINI-esque make-up effects. Voyeuristic tendencies aside, this Crystal Lake critter is a true hero!


FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 5: A NEW BEGINNING
When DIFF'RENT STROKES' "Dudley" shows up, trouble is not far behind. Having narrowly avoided the cruel fate of being a bicycle shop owner's bride, poor Dudley (SHAVAR ROSS here as "Reggie") now has to face off against Señor Voorhees. Why so serious Dudster? That's not Jason, it's just a bonkers ambulance driver avenging the death of his son who was a recent casualty of a violent candy bar dispute!


FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 6: JASON LIVES
You don't have to be Benjamin Franklin to know that lightening has the power to reanimate the dead. In this installment Jason comes back to life only to find that, for the first time ever, Camp Crystal Lake is crawling with kiddie campers! This little girl is named Nancy and she is plagued by bad dreams in what must be a baiting nod to competing franchise A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET!


FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 7: THE NEW BLOOD
Little Tina here is a pint sized Carrie White sans the oppressive Catholic upbringing. With her awesome psychic powers she smashes her beloved daddy beneath a dock but don't worry, he'll show up again years later and not looking any worse for the wear!


FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 8: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN
We've gone full circle and the little Jason that drowned in the lake is kicking his way back into our universe via blurry flashbacks again! This time he's looking less mongo-licious than we remember, but then that's nothing compared to how stupid adult Jason looks later when he takes off his mask. This unloved addition to our story is not without its bright spots, but ultimately I must quote the GREEN ACRES theme song "Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside!"

So you see, kids really did play a large part in the FRIDAY franchise even if they sat out the 3-D one and declined traveling with Jason into hell and outer space. In fact, a conversation between two children supplies my favorite line in the entire series. In PART 6 JASON LIVES, two little boys are shown hiding under a bed and awaiting what appears to be their inevitable doom at the hands of Jason. One boy turns to the other and deadpans "So, what WERE you going to be when you grew up?"

Traumafessions :: Reader TickleMeCthulhu on Sssssss

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Does anybody remember the 1973 movie, Sssssss in which a young DIRK BENEDICT undertakes a position as lab assistant and is slowly transformed into a cobra? I believe I first saw this film at a drive-in theater in New Jersey, though I remember also seeing it on T.V. I'm not sure. I would have been 3 in 1973, so I'm not sure if we saw it that early, but it's possible (maybe '74-'85).

Before seeing it again on DVD in the past couple of years, my memory of the film was sketchy, at best. I remember key scenes: the freak half-snake, half-man hybrid at the carnival; the snake eating the man after choosing to select a key to his locked room from a coral snake or a milk snake; DIRK BENEDICT peeling his shedding skin off in the bathroom; but mostly I remember "Snakeman." In fact, that's what I used to call the movie- I didn't know it was Sssssss until much later. My memory of the Snakeman was a phase in DIRK BENEDICT's transformation in which he turned pale and hairless, his folded arms fused to his body, and his mouth became wide and speechless (with the exception of pained "mmmmm-mmm!" sounds). He was locked in the lab by the professor character and his scenes involved him clumsily stumbling around the lab, bumping into things and going "mmmm-mmmm!" In actuality, this memory is actually a fusion of various scenes in the movie: the carnival freak; the discovery of the previous lab assistant; the final transformation; and the actual scene (shown below).

After seeing this, my nighttime fears became an obsession with Snakeman. Snakeman was under the bed, Snakeman was in the closet, Snakeman was looking in the window, my brothers' suggestions as to Snakeman's whereabouts and intentions didn't help.

Well, as I mentioned before, I watched it again on the no-frills DVD my brother lent me. It's a terribly insipid movie. The Snakeman scenes are only a few minutes of screen time and hardly the stuff of horror legend. I cannot overstate the inevitable let down you're setting yourself up for when re-viewing movies that effected you as a child. It's best just to let these things remain what they were to you. Most of my childhood terrors were comprised of the bits and pieces of horror films I had seen (until my parents told me to close my eyes or go upstairs to bed) and the creative continuations and reconstructions of those scenes. This was one movie where I fixated on one scene and just blew it out of horror proportion.

NOTE: Even more Sssssss induced trauma can be found HERE.

My Bloody Valentine 3-D

Posted on By unkle lancifer


Last night your Unkle Lancifer was lucky enough to catch MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D. To tell you the truth, I cannot remember the last time I had so much fun seeing a movie in the theater. It is an absolutely straightforward funhouse ride with likable characters, a great use of location and a highly contagious mischievous spirit. We're talking simple, absolute fun. This movie actually has the rare wisdom to trust the validity of its predecessor and the slasher genre itself while adding its own clever spin. Frankly, I felt like a teenager again sitting in a room full of total strangers screaming, laughing and in this case, ducking from flying body parts. I think that if you go see this movie and you don't have a good time than you should just grab a shovel, walk into your backyard, dig a hole and then just lie down and call it a life. Not being able to find joy here means that there is something so broken and twisted in your soul that you are clearly beyond any type of repair and that you should really think seriously about taking your negative energy out of the universe. If you have any love for your eyeballs at all, you will go see this movie immediately and in 3-D. (No, I do not own stock in this fine film.)

P.S.: Did I mention it stars TOM ATKINS?