kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

Kindertrauma Movie of the Year :: Let The Right One In

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Look at that damned calendar! The year is over!! What the heck?! Remember good ol' last year when we were able to do an overview of all the creepy kids that appeared in horror films over the year? Sure you do, it's HERE. Well, what in the name of Rhoda Penmark are we supposed to do this year? Sure, kids appeared on the sidelines in movies like MIRRORS, but their presence seemed only required so that they could mutter faux-creepy slogans for use as gotcha moments in the movie's trailers. THE ORPHANAGE ruled for sure, but one movie does not an end of year overview make and technically it was made in 2007.

If you're anything like the frightening voices that torment me nonstop in my head, you're probably screaming in a twisted hag voice "Unkle Lancifer, you need to get out more!" Yes, countless hours were wasted this year playing Lego Playstation games, I'll grant you that, but remember I live in Bumblef*ck where the only films on the theater marquee are ROCHELLE, ROCHELLE and THE FLOWER THAT DRANK THE MOON. Adding insult to unjustifiable rationalization, TRICK R' TREAT is still sadly M.I.A. and the U.K. flick THE CHILDREN is yet (to my knowledge) to jump across the pond.

What was I to do? How was I to make any kind of statement about kids in horror in 2008? I think there was a kid in that French movie FRONTIERS, I assume there was a zombie tyke in QUARANTINE, and didn't some kids try to warn people to stay clear of THE RUINS? A spiraling spurious non-list began to form in my mind's eye. Who was I kidding? Then, there I was at my wits end and fantasizing about fashioning a noose from NERDS ROPE when I received a message from a carrier vulture named Saint Antonio Sanchez informing me that maybe perhaps I should check out LET THE RIGHT ONE IN…

LET THE RIGHT ONE IN makes up for everything, and it saved my year. I'm not just saying this because I was on the precipice of the abyss when we met; I mean it. Even outside the realm of horror it may be the best movie of the year, it certainly and without question is the Kindertraumiest. Aunt John has no say in this matter whatsoever; I'm prepared to skip camp if rebuffed. I, with the power of Grayskull and inspired by this unique film, have decreed that a new award must be forged for future years and that award is the KINDERTRAUMA MOVIE OF THE YEAR! That's right, it's official, LET THE RIGHT ONE IN is KINDERTRAUMA MOVIE OF THE YEAR! We must all listen to MORRISSEY (to whom it owes its title) today in celebration.

What is so special about this movie and what can I tell you about it without ruining it? First of all, I'd just like to say this movie does not spaz out and get all up in your face. That is very important to me. It's calm and peaceful yet stand warned, it's not afraid to smack you around a little when you start feeling too secure and cozy. It's about actual human connection, how we change the people who come into our lives and how they change us. More importantly, it shows how outsiders can identify themselves in each other and gather strength from their alliance. (Call me nuts but REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE and THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE sprung to my mind not to mention E.T. with a taste for blood). To top it all off there is mucho snow (my cinematic Achilles heal) and the whole thing is filmed as simply and as exquisitely as humanly possible.

It is a "horror" movie for sure, but I have to point out that it reflects the actual universe that we live in far more accurately than most non-horror films (Certainly more than all the superhero, wedding disaster and dopey buddy flicks released this year combined). This is the real deal folks. The main characters may be twelve (even twelve for a looooong time) but their ability to bond without judgment and care for each other is something you rarely get to see in films that feature characters of any age.

Less you think I'm reviewing SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING COFFIN, I should inform you that many people die undeserving deaths within this film and at the hands of these spiritual and soulful characters. Well, what can I tell you? You got to break eggs before you devil them and I'm so enamored with these kooky kids that if that's what keeps 'em writing love notes and teaching each other the Rubik's Cube, so be it. (By the way, apparently there is no moral question in my mind concerning the film's final poolside massacre as I laughed whole heartily and gleefully all through it, I may have even clapped).

I really don't want to say much more as I don't want to spoil anything, but GO see this movie! If it's not playing around you yet go buy the book it's based on by JOHN AJIDE LINDQVIST instead (I'm devouring it now). This is the type of horror tale that comes around far too rarely and, like a long lost soul mate, it lifts the genre up to a whole new level.

P.S. Many films have attempted the proverbial "attacked by cats" scene with questionable to borderline comical results. This is due to the rookie mistake of actually throwing live cats onto people in order to simulate the melee. Not so in LET THE RIGHT ONE IN, I'm so happy now that somebody has finally done it right!

Traumafessions :: Reader LadyKessa on Poltergeist II-Flavored Tequila

Posted on By unkle lancifer

My mother re-married and my new step father decided that POLTERGEIST II was a fine film to go and enjoy. I had seen the first one and while grossed out and a little creeped out by a few scenes… I was far from traumatized by it. Now I will utter a four word phrase that frankly starts a lot of stories that end badly…

Then…he… drank… tequila.

The sight of CRAIG T. NELSON gagging and puking up that horrible worm, then its morphing into that disgusting man-thing and slithering off down the hardwood… I am in my 30's and even to this day I cannot drink the bottom out of a bottle of soda, or the last third from any vessel I cannot see through, unless I use a straw that I bite hard so nothing more than the barest slip of liquid can get through.

AUNT JOHN SEZ: Kids, let this be a lesson to everyone planning on imbibing New Year's Eve libations tonight… stick to beer, stay in the clear, and for the love of CRAIG T. NELSON… just say NO to Cuervo!

Traumafessions :: Reader Laura on Sesame Street, The Watcher in the Woods, & David Bowie

Posted on By unkle lancifer

This SESAME STREET sketch used to scare the bejeezus out of me.

I used to make sure my feet were covered up and not hanging over the edge of the bed lest they be munched on.

Also THE WATCHER IN THE WOODS, the Disney "horror" movie. It had stuff in it about spelling things backwards, mirrors, and girls with blindfolds. Am I even thinking of the right movie? Anyway, it's still lovingly remembered as my first taste of scary movies/the occult.

Also, DAVID BOWIE's crotch in LABYRINTH both scared and fascinated me.

UNK SEZ: Dear Laura, it behooves me to report that while searching for a proper image of Mr. BOWIE's crotch to illustrate your traumafession I stumbled across something that may traumatize you even further. "A scientific look at DAVID BOWIE's package" can be found HERE!

Shriek of the Mutilated

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Winter is upon us. Gone are the halcyon days of summer. Gone are the robust, crisp bountiful days of fall. Now is the time of year that I shelve my childish concerns about coming face to face with Bigfoot and start spending my time fretting about something real. Of course, I speak of the dreaded Yeti!!!

Bigfoot, as smelly and giant sized as he may be, is a walk in Yosemite National Park when compared with his frosty albino cousin. The Bigfoot I know, and secretly love, is a wilting violet for the most part. He slinks through the forest and wants nothing more than to be left alone with his thought(s). Much like the senselessly demonized great white shark, he only gets violent when modern man gets all up in his grill. Yeti, on the other hand, has no reservations about screaming and howling in your face like he's auditioning for an APHEX TWIN video. Yeti is looking for trouble.

Yeti, a.k.a The Abominable Snowman, has had several films made depicting his fascinating lifestyle. Unfortunately, as is the case with the Bigfoot canon, most Yeti films tend to disappoint his ravenous fan base. (I would count SNOWBEAST among his few successes just as NIGHT OF THE DEMON is Bigfoot's ultimate ode). SHRIEK OF THE MUTILATED, which basically shares the exact same plot as NIGHT OF THE DEMON (a teacher takes his students to an isolated place to investigate a monster who picks them all off one by one), gives us zero new information about the mysterious creature, unless you count the assertion that the beast wears tennis shoes.

The biggest problem (out of literally a zillion) with SHRIEK is that our pal Yeti doesn't look so hot. He's not scary period. This particular incarnation of the monster has been described as looking like everything from a department store Santa wearing a fur coat to a high school sports mascot gone berserk. I myself can only think of a large-scale version of HONK the fuzzy alien from THE FAR OUT SPACE NUTS. (Side note about HONK: HONK was portrayed brilliantly by PATTY MALONEY who was also little Lumpy in THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL and Twiki's girlfriend Tina on BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25th CENTURY– take that LINDA HUNT!)

As dopey as the sometimes-frolicking monster is, he's partially camouflaged by the fact that everything and everybody else in the movie is pretty cruddy too. There's really not one moment of normal human behavior to be found anywhere. Suffice to say, I love, love, love, SHREIK OF THE MUTILATED. Directed by MICHAEL FINDLAY who was responsible for the crap-fest SNUFF, and written by the genius that penned INVASION OF THE BLOOD FARMERS, SHREIK offers something much more valuable than quality, it's actually fun to watch. If you enjoy early JOHN WATERS or any HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS then this is absolutely your bag and a must see. Unfortunately, in real life director FINDLAY had one of those dreaded freak decapitation by helicopter blade things happen to him so we'll never know what other hilarious trash he had in his noggin'.

*One sad thing I have to report is that although a current DVD does have all of SHRIEK's blood and gore finally at our disposal, due to freakin' lame copyright crap that ruins everything, the song "Popcorn" which garnished the film's original version is M.I.A. You might not think that it would make a difference but it does, "Popcorn" has no substitute!!!!

Merry Garbage Day!!!!

Posted on By unkle lancifer


Hey Kids!!!! Sick already of celebrating the holidays? Friends and family got you ready to go nutzo? Why not celebrate SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 2's Garbage Day instead with this nifty postcard? Simply print out the amateurishly photoshopped image, cut and glue it to a piece of heavy stock paper and then stamp it and send it on it's way. Imagine your postman's surprise when he realizes that you are more unstable then he is!

Silent Night, Deadly Night (All of 'em!)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

This year your Unkle Lancifer decided to give himself the ultimate holiday present by plopping down on the couch and watching all five SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT movies in a row. Did he survive? Did he go mad? You be the judge….

SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT may have been controversial upon its release, but the years have definitely softened its edges. It's hard to imagine anyone getting too upset over what today feels more like a dark satiric comedy. Mad mothers may have took umbrage to television spots depicting a vengeful Saint Nick but let's face it folks, scaring kids into behaving well is a Christmas tradition as old as the holiday itself. As tongue in cheek as much of SILENT is, it does indeed earn its stripes as an eighties slasher. Scream queen LINNEA QUIGLEY's demise is a classic kill all the way and a featured slay ride beheading of a bully truly satisfies. It's all much more sleek and compact then you'd be lead to expect and it's far cleverer as well. LILYAN CHAUVIN, as an intimidating Mother Superior, takes her role seriously and makes a much more frightening impression than the psychologically damaged Billy who dresses up as Santa to dispose of those who have been "naughty." Mother Superior is no match for Grandpa (WILL HARE) though, a phony mute who steals his few scenes with a memorable, twisted Popeye grimace. You'd really have to be a Scrooge not to enjoy what SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT has to offer. It might not have the class of something like BLACK CHRISTMAS, but it's perfect for those who prefer beer to spiked eggnog.


SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT PART 2 is a scam but, as far as scams go, it's hard to stay mad at. Focusing on the younger brother of the original film's killer we are presented with flashback after flashback of the first film. Ricky can even recall the horrible death of his parents by a mad man in a Santa Claus suit even though he was but an infant at the time! There is some interesting editing between the two films, but it's pretty obvious that we are being presented with about half of an original movie. What we do see of Ricky's life is that it mirrors his brother's closely. He too is a tall drink of water that tends to go ballistic when he sees the color red or a nun's habit. Whether the two brothers were more damaged by witnessing the horrible rape and murder of their parents or by their stay at a nun run orphanage is up for debate. Once we get all the filler out of the way, S.N.D.N.2 earns trash classic status. Actor ERIC FREEMAN's interpretation of Ricky is sort of ROWDY RODDY PIPER meets JOAN CRAWFORD, and his mid-day rampage on a suburban street is intoxicatingly postal. He too gets to eventually have a show down with the now inexplicably facially scared Mother Superior, but not before he gets to belch out the immortal line, "It's garbage day!" right before shooting a man for taking out his trash.

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 3: BETTER WATCH OUT! pushes our tale to its limits. Ricky (now played by BILL MOSELEY) we learn did not actually die in the last installment and is now a Frankenstein-ish medical oddity with a glass salad bowl dome over his head that exposes his brain. Stranger still, he now has a psychic connection to a blind woman. Directed by the usually respectable MONTE HELLMAN, S.N.D.N.3's biggest sin is not its ludicrous plot or even its ponderous dialogue, but it's slow as molasses on Christmas morning pacing. Even still, it does have one of the more interesting casts in the series; besides the aforementioned MOSELEY, there's ROBERT CULP and a troika of DAVID LYNCH alum: ERIC DA RE and RICHARD BEYMER from TWIN PEAKS and future MULHOLLAND DRIVE star LAURA HARRING. None are given much to do in this sadly gore-less third outing, which turns out to be the last gasp of the original's story line.


SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 4: THE INITIATION is considered by most people to be the low point in the series, but your Unkle Lancifer is not most people. Directed by BRIAN YUZNA, and featuring such notables as MAUD ADAMS, REGGIE BANNISTER, CLINT HOWARD and even more amazingly, ALLYCE BEASLEY, Part 4 is a topsy-turvy fever dream of feminist cults, trippy body distortion and squishy jumbo insects care of SCREAMING MAD GEORGE. It has little to do with the earlier installments, outside a brief glimpse of Part 3 on a television screen and it's Christmastime backdrop (it actually would work as a better sequel to YUZNA's SOCIETY). Released in the U.K. as BUGS, this movie is a lunatic collage that really deserves to be taken on it's own terms. It may leave killer Santa fans on the side of the road waving their fists in the air, but this is just the type of funky late-eighties, straight-to-video fare that yours truly lives for.

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 5: THE TOYMAKER saves the big guns for last and by big guns, I mean MICKEY ROONEY. Maybe I saw the television movie BILL at a far too young age, but ROONEY has always scared the living daylights out of me. His work in the film THE MANIPULATOR still sends shivers down my spine. As someone who requires a certain amount of personal space to be content, something about ROONEY's demeanor makes me think he would not deliver it to me. He comes off as a close talker who's always gotta shove his donkey-braying, elfin mug way too close. In this movie he seems a bit more sober than usual, but he does do a lot of screaming and eventually beats the crap out of his son. Strangely I kind of preferred this evil ROONEY over his usual more jovial-than-thou persona. ROONEY plays Joe Petto, the titular toymaker, and his son is "Pino." Wacky Pinocchio references aside, this is kind of your standard killer toy movie, but the toys are a bit lamer than usual. The one exception is the SCREAMING MAD GEORGE creation "Larry the Larvae" who gets to tunnel through a man's head by way of his mouth and then pops out of his eye. Folks wondering about the fate of Part 4's main character will find her here as a friendly neighbor offering advice learned from experience.

All in all, the SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT series certainly has its weak moments but every once in a while, it delivers in bloody spades. Nothing really touches upon the first film's simple brilliance, but that is usually the case in most horror franchises. Ironically by the end, the series achieves just what JOHN CARPENTER had in mind with HALLOWEEN 3, a selection of loosely interlocking tales centered on a specific holiday. They might not be the most expensive toys in the sack, but at least they are dependably entertaining. I was convinced that after watching all five in a row I would be crying Unkle, but instead I find myself itching for a Part 6!!!

Dead End

Posted on By unkle lancifer

On Christmas Eve the Harrington family embarks on a journey to visit relatives for the holidays. Along the way they get lost and I mean really, really lost. Normal everyday reality seems to fly out their car window as one by one they succumb to a dark, deadly force that presents itself in the form of an ominous black automobile. Like a collaboration (or perhaps a collision) between EDWARD ALBEE and ROD STERLING, this Trojan horse of a film is misleadingly simple and masterfully manipulative.

One of DEAD END's greatest feats is how perfectly it captures the feeling and tone of a dream. More incredibly still is how it snares that moment during a dream when you realize that you are having an awful nightmare. Minimalistic, yet fused with countless symbols and layers of meaning, it masquerades as a routine journey when it's anything but. As bizarre and borderline surreal as events become, it's nearly impossible not to relate to the situation presented. Anyone who has ever taken a wrong turn or found themselves trapped in a day that never seems to end will find themselves on disturbingly familiar ground. The behavior of some of the characters may seem unlikely at first, but multiple viewings of the Harrington family's ordeal iron out these wrinkles quite nicely. This is one movie where all the signs are present but are almost indecipherable upon your first viewing.

It is rare to find a modern horror film that hinges on the performances of its actors. Considering that DEAD END's action takes place in a limited environment, one weak link could knock over the whole house of cards. Yet all the players assembled here are remarkable and excel at playing against each other. There's not much in way of special effects or explosive visuals, but I doubt you'll miss them due to the actors' highly entertaining turns. It's not easy to shift gears from hysterically funny to nerve-rackingly creepy, but this group makes it look as easy as changing a radio station. Genre vets RAY WISE and LIN SHAYE both knock it out of the park as Dad and Mom Harington, and as their offspring MICK CAIN and ALEXANDRA HOLDEN are no slouches either. (HOLDEN has an excellent scene where she is required to scream up to the heavens and beg for, if not an answer, then at least some kind of mercy. Considering the comical vibe that DEAD END has been flirting with, the existential defeatism expressed is all the more disturbing.)

The behind the camera talent is equally adept. The direction and writing shared by JEAN-BAPTISTE ANDREA and FABRICE CANEPA is never pretentious or showy. When all the puzzle pieces are in place, you realize just how seamless it all is. Additionally, hats off to the almost subliminal editing and the ever persuasive use of sound. It is increasingly rare to find a film that is brave enough not to wrap itself in neon and underline and circle its every step. Rather than begging the audience to fall in love with it every five seconds, DEAD END challenges the audience to keep up with it.

If you are looking for holiday horror, but are not interested in having cymbals smashed against your ears for an hour and a half, DEAD END is just for you. Many movies may end up parking in the same garage as DEAD END, but few do such a wonderful job of earning their right to be there. If its final moments give you a frustrating sense of déjà vu, just remember it's not the destination that's important, it's the journey. Genuinely funny, surprisingly haunting and ultimately moving, DEAD END should be spoken in the same breath as MULHOLLAND DRIVE and the seminal mind-screwer JACOB'S LADDER. It simply does a bang up job of reminding us once again that how we see events is governed more by personal perception than any universal concrete reality.

Kinder-News :: 'Tis the Season for Santaphobia

Posted on By unkle lancifer

You can't blame kids for loving old Saint Nick, for every year he brings them toys on Christmas Eve and then splits without requiring any sort of face time. Sounds like the perfect relationship to me, so how come parents have to ruin this perfect symbiotic alliance by shoving their toddlers on his lap and taking pictures?

Thankfully my parents never pimped me out in such a fashion. Contrary to popular belief, being forced to sit on an old, fat, gray-bearded stranger's lap for a photo shoot is not my idea of a good time. Obviously many children agree with me because 4 out of 5 Christmas snapshots involve Munchian howls of disapproval by the child involved.

There's even a BOOK out right now celebrating this sadistic ritual abuse. Which means for less than whatever it would cost you to see whatever crappy holiday movie is in the theaters right now, you can ogle at the anguish of confused terror stricken kiddies. How Kindertraumatic!

Note: For even more Satan Santa-induced horror look HERE and HERE.