kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

Kinder-Spotlight :: DW Films

Posted on By unkle lancifer


One fine day while your Unkle Lancifer was searching the youtubes researching a Traumafession, he came across a short film called ELEVATOR and was blown away. Further digging unearthed several other films from the same creative minds and an obsession was born. DW FILMS is the result of the brilliant collaboration of ANDREW DURHAM and FRANK WIEDEMANN, the McCARTNEY/LENNON of backyard film making. Created way back in the always groovy "Me Decade", DW FILMS give ROGER CORMAN a run for his money by utilizing plots from established blockbusters and taking them to the next level at a fraction of the cost. Did I mention that both behind and in front of the cameras at DW FILMS you'll only find kids? Below is a small sampling of their brilliant output for you to enjoy. Besides the priceless nostalgia factor, they are all truly inspirational in regards to revealing what can be accomplished with little money and mucho determination and vision…


Watch ELEVATOR


Watch SHARK!


Watch DEVIL'S BABE


Watch TERROR IN THE SKY


Watch WHAM-O WOMAN :: PART ONE :: PART TWO

NOTE: Check out our interview with both ANDREW DURHAM and FRANK WIEDEMANN, the driving forces behind these amazing films HERE

Trauma-Scene :: Ghost Ship's Opening Dance Number

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I am unabashedly partial to waterlogged horror, stick a bunch of idiots on a boat, preferably an abandoned one, and I'm so there. If the folks on the boat are battling a soul stealing demon then I'm so there; I've already left and come back again. It all stems from my original trauma experience watching SATAN'S TRIANGLE back in the olden days when I still had a soul to steal. That bad boy might as well have branded my forehead because it left me searching for a movie watching experience that can never be equaled. The only mini sub-genre that gives me a comparable amount of pleasure is the ski comedy, particularly if it concerns a lodge that is being threatened with closure by spoiled rich snobs who are begging for their comeuppance. Don't worry folks, I'm not going to tell you that GHOST SHIP is as good as your standard ski comedy because it's not. It has all the ingredients, a great cast, awesome looking sets and admirable cinematography. Why, it even has a cool, mid-movie music video insert where you can watch a giant hook impale a woman's face to the sounds of a jaunty mid-nineties (GHOST SHIP is actually from 2002) sounding trip-hop tune. But alas GHOST SHIP suffers from DARK CASTLE disease, which means as far as the script goes it is just a random sewing together of brainstormed ideas with little concern for good storytelling. I'm just warning you, don't let GHOST SHIP break your heart. You're better off with a less flashy movie that really cares about you than GHOST SHIP, which at the end of the day is only using you and will never return your calls.

It should be admitted that even though the film as a whole is a dirty, lying, wallet-snatching scabby-faced hooker that it has one of the greatest kindertraumatic opening scenes (sans the crappy ironic title fonts) in recent memory. Have you seen it? You have to see it! The opening scene involves a tragedy that befalls a bunch of dancing fools and a very tight cable that splits them all into pieces like they're Wile E. Coyote or something. A lone little girl is so short that the cable misses her, so she must watch as the crowd around her is spliced apart like sliced Velveeta. It is disturbing as all get out, and it makes promises that GHOST SHIP has no intent on delivering on. If the rest of the film was even half as successful as this opening bit, I would have have fallen head over heals for it. Instead this barnacle barge just sinks. (Don't even get me started on the epilogue that had me scratching my head so hard it left permanent scars.) Oh, If only this ship could have docked at a ski lodge!

Happy Birthday To Me

Posted on By unkle lancifer


I confess. I'm ga-ga for the kooky Canuck stalk and slash who-done-it known as HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME. I say this knowing that there are large slices of the movie that are totally indefensible, most notably its slap you in the face, punish you for paying attention final reveal. Maybe it's because I originally saw it at a very gullible age. Rather than be flabbergasted by the multitude of inconsistencies, contrary edits and overall implausibility, I was instead hog-in-slop happy to be eavesdropping on what the "big kids" were up to. I imagined my own future life of playing chicken over drawbridges, belonging to an elite snobby group that everyone secretly hates, and murdering people during well-timed blackouts.

Regardless of the film's ability to sometimes drive me over the deep end with frustration, I cannot help returning to it again and again. It has a certain mood that I just can't stay away from. There is a distinct gothic soap opera vibe. Amnesia, clandestine affairs, drunken, wealth-obsessed mothers banging on mansion gates in the rain, H.B.T.M. is decorated with thick, sweet old-fashioned melodrama. Furthermore, I think it does a fine job of capturing, like a firefly in a mason jar, the adolescent death wish angst that makes you skip curfew and head out to the graveyard. It doesn't always work but even when it doesn't, it delivers something memorable.

MELISSA SUE ANDERSON plays VIRGINIA WAINWRIGHT a girl on the fringe. She obviously has desires of fitting in with her friends and placating her aloof father, but she knows she is different from everybody. Years ago she and her floozy mother were involved in an accident that took her mother's life and left Virginia in the need of some serious (and experimental) brain surgery. As flashbacks of the tragedy persist, Virginia's friends begin to die in gruesome ways and it begins to appear that Ginny's operation was not such a smashing success after all. Has the surgery altered Ginny? Although we are meant to, at turns, suspect nearly every one of the extensive cast of the murders, we are always in tune with Ginny who is growing more and more horrified of what she may be capable of. It's an exaggerated metaphor for what many people feel at her age, that their mind or bodies are no longer their own.

Virginia is shown as a virginal goody-two shoes at first. She passively involves herself in wild stunts with her friends and immediately fights against her loss of control. She's no wilting wallflower though, as the veils fall off we find her prone to raging outbursts and tantrums over her situation. The more she connects with her past pain the more aggressive she becomes. Some of her duel-natured behavior can be explained away by the film's surprise conclusion, but not all. Actually, the film's nature as a murder mystery requires many of its character's to put on false facades at regular intervals so that suspicion may fall upon them. At the drop of a dime, Ginny and a number of her buddies are required to adopt icy stares and spout threatening double entendres. It may be a cheap ploy, but if you take it literally it has an eerie effect. In Ginny's world, nobody seems to be who they say they are and everyone is a liar.

Which brings us to HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME's bizarre finale. I'm not complaining about the morosely beautiful setting or the more than impressive guests supplied by TOM BURMAN. Of course I'm referring to the de-masking of our killer and the subsequent unraveling of everything we've seen. After viewing Ginny's calculated seduction and murder of a friend via shish kebob, it's finally time for her birthday party to get underway. Here it is revealed that her pal Ann (TRACEY E. BREGMAN) has been responsible for everything we have witnessed thus far. (Although the discoteque seduction of her friend was all Ginny as Ann was present at the time). How were we the viewers who actually witnessed the last couple murders performed by Ginny misled? Well, Ann was wearing a mask, an incredible mask in fact, the kind that makes you look exactly like another person. Don't get me wrong, a part of me bows down to this movie's brazen audacity. In a way it's a precursor to the television remote control in FUNNY GAMES. The movie basically looks the audience straight in the face and just says, "Suck it."

You really can't blame director J. LEE THOMPSON (The original CAPE FEAR and the CHARLES BRONSON slash-thriller 10 TO MIDNIGHT) because a surprise ending was forced on the guy. In 1981, it was pretty much mandatory in a horror movie. By all accounts it was our main gal Ginny who was meant to be the killer during filming and that's just what I can't let go of. I still want Ginny to be the killer. I think that's a better, more original movie. In fact, it WAS the better, more original movie I was watching 'till this ending was thrown at me out of nowhere. Shoving in some voice over dialogue claiming one of the characters is a "genius mask maker" just doesn't cut it. I want Ginny to be the killer because she deserves it. She earned it. There are few enough slasher films that delve into the mind of its killer, let alone slasher movies with a female protagonist/killer. (Speaking of clever play with genre gender roles, it's important to note that the more elaborate, fetishistic kills are reserved for male cast members. The lone onscreen murder of a female (FUNERAL HOME's LESLEH DONALDSON ) at the film's beginning, reads as perfunctory.)

At the end of the day I love this movie too much to ever really want to change it (don't even get me started on it's creeptastic theme song or those must-have Crawford Acadamy striped scarves) but, like a concerned mother telling her child to sit up straight, I can't help wanting to adjust it so that others can see in it what I do. It is said that the ending that had Virginia as the killer was never even filmed, yet somehow it still exists in my mind's eye. I'd forgive Virginia. She's had crazy-ass experimental brain surgery after all, she's not responsible. It could have been a modern female version of I WAS A TEENAGE WEREWOLF if they had just let it alone. Jeez, you want a surprise ending? Just have Ginny's dead mom grab her hand at the end. What do you think dead people are for in horror movies?

Recently I've discovered a way to watch this movie AND accept its bonkers conclusion. It's simple really, Ann's bathtub drowning was the real deal. My Ginny, wracked with guilt, and unable to accept her actions, simply hallucinates that her dead pal Ann masqueraded as her and is responsible for the bloodshed. Denial is a powerful force, and is there any greater reality-smasher than good old tried and true insanity? It's a stretch I know, but in a movie where identities are shuffled about like playing cards and where truth is whatever you explain it to be, what's one more mask to tear off?

Note: Unfortunately, the current DVD of H.B.T.M. has an alternative soundtrack to the previous theatrical version. Although this does benefit us with an extra disco tune nothing can replace the previous score which cleverly riffed on the film's awesome theme song throughout. Luckily, SYREETA's haunting number still remains over the closing credits…

Traumafessions :: Reader Raven on Mad Scientist Toys

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I thought you might be interested in some of the freakiest toys I ever owned as a kid.

This one is the Mad Scientist Dissect-An-Alien playset.

And this one is the mother of them all: The Mad Scientist Monster Lab, where the whole purpose is to construct alien/monster skeletons that you covered with fake "monster flesh," only to torture your creation by dipping him in a "pit of acid" where the flesh would dissolve and you'd be left with just the skeleton again.

While I LOVED this toy, I was absolutely terrified of the "Powdered Monster Flesh Remover" for fear of it dissolving my own skin. Obviously it couldn't, but it even gave me nightmares about my pet cats somehow finding their way into it.

UNK SEZ: Raven, I remember these! I didn't have them but I remember the commercials on T.V.! At the end of the television advert, a giant cartoon hand would come out and stamp all that proceeded as "TOO GROSS!" Thanks for sharing these great toys with us and as much as WE LOVE ALL Traumafessions, yours especially rules because it concerns the fate of your feline pals! (Did we ever mention Kindertrauma Castle is over run with cats?)

Traumafessions :: Reader Turnidoff on ALIEN's Facehugger

Posted on By unkle lancifer

ALIEN was the first real horror film my parents allowed me to watch. My mother saw it in the theater when she was eight months pregnant with my sister. That kind of freaked her out. I always heard stories about the "chest-burster" scene and my imagination would run wild with horrifying visuals. A few years later it aired on broadcast T.V. I was about 9 at the time, and my parents only let me watch up to the part where the facehugger dies and JOHN HURT wakes up. Conveniently, there was a commercial break right before the infamous scene, so they sent me to bed.

At that time, in my mind, the alien wasn't the 8-foot, phallic-headed monster we all know and love, it was the spidery facehugger. That's what I thought popped out of Cane's chest and picked of the crew systematically one by one. I had to imagine what the rest of the movie was like with this facehugger killing all the crew.

The next day I drew a comic book called "ALIEN 2!" The plot was simple: The Facehugger escapes the ship and falls to Earth.HAL LINDEN from BARNEY MILLER fame was a beat cop who stumbles upon the facehugger who wakes up and starts destroying the city… and the only one who can stop it is, HAL LINDEN of course.

When I finally saw the entire film a few years later, I wasn't disappointed. As a matter of fact, I was floored. It has become one of my top favorites of all time.

I guess it just goes to show you that sometimes your imagination is not always better than the real thing.

UNK SEZ: Turnidoff, do not sell your vision of a HAL LINDEN starring ALIEN sequel short. Although JAMES CAMERON's take is very difficult to top, yours, if made as you envisioned it, would certainly not be the worst ALIEN sequel in existence. I also think it is very generous of you to want to assist Mr. LINDEN's jump from the small screen into multiplexes. I always thought his mustache was made to be seen larger than life, on the big screen. In fact, now that you mention it, HAL's 'stache just may be the absolute perfect foil for a wayward facehugger!



NOTE: TV GUIDE ad from HERE, ALIEN toys from HERE.

Earlier: Turnidoff's take on MADAME.

The House on Sorority Row (1983)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 


For a film that begins in flashback mode and whose action ignites with a prank gone wrong, THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW is a relentlessly original slash excursion and easily one of the best of its kind. The plot may sound familiar, a group of sorority sisters being offed one by one by someone they wronged, but the execution is blow-you-away slick and suspenseful. Unlike most prank gone wrong flicks, the crime here is a recent one and the looming specter of discovery by authorities helps to add yet another level of anxiety. It's no surprise to learn that director MARK ROSMAN at one time worked alongside BRIAN De PALMA for the potential victims here in no way have clean hands. ROSMAN, credited with the script as well, also knows a thing or two about keeping a viewer on their toes and questioning everything. Who is responsible for the escalating body count and why is always frustratingly just out of reach.

As many interesting queries as the movie raises the biggest one is how did the lead actress KATHRYN McNEIL (also of MONKEY SHINES) escape major A-list stardom? She looks pretty incredible on film and she exudes a regal ferocity that should have had her stealing parts from SIGOURNEY WEAVER or at least NICOLE KIDMAN. As the lone voice of reason amongst her pack, some of what she is required to say and do is a bit hokey by today's standards, but that's part of her charm. She comes off as worlds, or at least decades, removed from her very-eighties cohorts. All in all you could not ask for a better lead in a film like this. The viewer can't help but to follow her like a puppy.


The most fascinating thing about H.O.S.R. to me is how it subtly gets darker and more twisted with each scene so that by the end you can't believe you are watching the same film you began with. Early scenes are bright with chirpy birds and corny music, and then eventually you end up in the grimmest of Gothic arenas surrounded by a darkly grandiose score (not to mention very creepy clown wallpaper). There is even a side step into SUSPIRIA-like neon psychedelic dream imagery. As a whole, the movie is like one of those sped up film shorts where you watch fruit rot right before your eyes.

H.O.S.R. is less concerned with its character's sexuality then most slashers (although the requisite "bad girl" does know her way around a water bed and crankin' up a jack-in-the-box means certain death), but the themes it does focus on are just as common. Wrongs from the past resurface just like the corpse that won't stay submerged in the swimming pool and forced accountability is the order of the day. Authority figures are routinely stifling or duplicitous and when we are granted access to the dorm's hidden attic room, we are shown symbol after symbol representing the false happy facade of childhood. Although there's not much new ground broken here, it's hard to cite many of its contemporaries that present these ideas with the same amount of grace and aplomb.

My only gripes would be with the slightly off dubbing of the wicked cane-carrying housemother Mrs. Slater (LOIS KELSO HUNT) and I hate to say it, the open ending which many people adore. I admit it is legitimately classy in a BLACK CHRISTMAS ('74) kind of way, but the film has worked itself up into such an incredible crescendo at this point that, to me, it feels like being pushed out of a car at high speed. The latter part of the film, when it has come down solely to McNEIL and the killer (who is now donning the most horrific harlequin/jester outfit you have ever seen) is just TOO GOOD and should have gone on for at least another 15 minutes. (I would even sacrifice the awesome new wave party band FOUR OUT OF FIVE DOCTORS to make this happen!)

H.O.S.R. was a huge financial success that made almost twenty-five times its budget back. Why there was never a sequel (preferably one that takes place right after the events like HALLOWEEN II) I'll never know. Without giving away the identity of the killer, I'd just like to say that he or she could have been a serious contender as an indelible horror icon. I personally would buy every action figure, t-shirt and poster they could produce. On the other hand, maybe that's just what makes this masked killer so uniquely powerful, rather than overexposure and tangled story lines we have an ambiguous, mysterious threat that for all these years has remained securely hidden in the shadows. Your mind can have a field day filling in the blanks and perhaps that's the point. This scary jester may have not made it into big screen movie sequels, but maybe at the end of the day, starring in an actual nightmare or two is the more dignified gig.

NOTE: This review is in conjuncture with DINNER WITH MAX JENKE, for another take on THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW, stop by and visit HERE.

Horror Movie Bar Crawl

Posted on By unkle lancifer


Alcoholics and horror fans alike know that when you're jonesin' for a fix, beggars can't be choosers. In these instances any old place will do. Yet we all have our personal favorite drinking spots where we feel most comfortable and at home. Here is a list of my favorite drunken horror hang outs, the bars in horror movies that I return to most often and where I sometimes even score one on the house.


THE HOWLING (Name Unknown)
Now this is my type of joint, just regular people sitting around shooting the shit and enjoying brewskis, burgers and billiards. Nobody puts on airs here and they're very friendly to out-of-towners. My only advice is to be very specific about how you want your hamburger cooked; the last time I ordered one rare they let it cook through the entire closing credits!


MY BLOODY VALENTINE (The Cage)
Moosehead fans rejoice! This is the place for you. After a hard day in the mines you couldn't ask for a more relaxed vibe. They'll even let you play five-finger fillet on the tables! Stand warned though. Don't get bartender "Happy" started on the olden-timey days. He'll really talk your ear off!


A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2 (Don's Place)
Somewhere in the heart of Springwood lies this notorious gay bar. Don't ask me how to get there; I don't remember a thing. I do know that it's hidden in a dark alley and that's rarely a good sign. From what I recall, the lighting left something to be desired, but that may have been due to my ill-fitting leather cat mask. It's definitely worth a stop-by if you're interested in the more adventurous scene (i.e., S&M gym teachers), but I'd keep my eyes on my drink and who's serving it at all times.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME (The Silent Woman Pub)
The only drawback to this fine establishment is that it acts like a magnet for drunken Shriners. If you don't have a problem with listening to "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" sung in your ear all night, everything is Jake. You can't beat the location, it's within walking distance to Crawford Academy and it's adjacent to a draw bridge in case you want to play a little game of "Chicken'!


THE HUNGER (Unknown Goth joint)
This place is more of an after-hours club than a bar, but I bring it up because if you go, you are guaranteed to have the time of your life. First of all, you can still smoke there, which is a major plus (actually thanks to proprietor TONY SCOTT the whole place is literally filled with smoke!), and you won't just hear groovy tune-age from the likes of BAUHAUS, you will actually get to see them perform live! Plus, if any of you swingers out there are looking to score some ANN MAGNUSON tail, this place is really your best, and only option.


FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2 (Casino Bar)
I love this place!!! There is always a great mix of locals, and I still hold the Q-bert high score there! It's quiet enough that if you want to talk bar stool psychology, you know like why mongoloids are such mother-loving murderers, your friends can actually hear you! The staff is all around attentive, even if they do spend more time flirting with customers than actually clearing away empty beer bottles.



THE EXORCIST (The Tombs)
This place is very crowded, you should know that from the get-go and it may take you a while to get served, but once you've found a booth Beelzebub's you're unkle! I like to take all of my priest buddies here and get them completely, stone cold wasted. Since this is Georgetown, it's not long before Father so-and-so is straddling a jukebox and performing a sax solo just like ROB LOWE in ST. ELMO'S FIRE! I would also recommend the establishment from THE NINTH CONFIGURATION which was also penned by WILLIAM PETER BLATTY, but I think if you went there you might get your face punched in.


HALLOWEEN (The Rabbit In Red Lounge)
A source of plenty of schoolyard speculation, this out-of-the-way Haddonfield, Illinois night spot is famous for its lenient policies regarding proper age verification. ROB ZOMBIE's remake may have split fans down the middle in the T.M.I. department, but few complained about his remodeling of this particular joint. Rabbit re-dux has got girly-girls doing the hoochie coochie!!!


AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (The Slaughtered Lamb)
It's not the friendliest place on Earth, but at least it's warm. What you're really going out of the way for here is atmosphere and the Slaughtered Lamb just reeks of old world tradition. Dart throwing, joke telling and if you go often enough, you're just bound to bump into DROP DEAD FRED (RIK MAYALL) playing chess! Just don't ask the regulars about the five-pointed star on the wall and, above all else, remember the Alamo!



THE SHINING (The Overlook Bar)
If you want to go high class, I always suggest a hotel bar. Not only are they required to keep the place relatively clean, but also it's usually teaming with yummy transients you'll never have to speak to again. The Overlook Hotel's bar is so fricking swank that Replicant God Dr. Eldon Tyrell (JOE TURKEL) is the gosh darn bartender! Whenever I want a refill of the good stuff, I just slam my glass down and say, "I want more life f*cker!"

So, when I want to tie one on, those are my personal favorite horror watering holes. If there's some place that you dear reader frequent that you'd like to recommend, the comments section is all ears! Just remember I prefer nuts to pretzels, AND I'm on a limited budget.

UPDATE: Once again our brilliant readers have spoken and these are their top choices when it comes to wetting their own horror whistles.


Amanda by Night and Aunt John can be found tying one on at "One Eyed Jacks" from TWIN PEAKS. Sometimes they'll even bounce over to sister establishments "The Bang Bang Bar" and the "Pink Room" Slow down you two, the night is young!


After Amanda calls it a night and returns home to her hubby. Aunt John finds consolation with PHEOBE CATES at Dorry's Tavern from GREMLINS.


Mamasweetpeaches and Erczilla are all about The Winchester from SEAN OF THE DEAD and why shouldn't they be?


Tank and the Mickster (who also raves about the club from FRIGHT NIGHT) know that the best jukebox is at NEAR DARK'S "Shit Kicker Heaven" where there always seems to be an ALIENS cast reunion taking place.

PLUS: After all this drinking you might need some late night diner grub. Amancebado suggests Beakman's Diner from NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD and Theauldlangsyne sings the praises of a joint you may have seen in THE BIRDS.

Attack of the eBay Monkeys!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Look at all these eBay monkeys! I bet you'd like to adopt them all! What you don't realize is that one of them is possessed by EVIL and will do everything in its power to destroy you and your loved ones once it's gained admittance into your lovely home! Can you guess which one it is?