kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

Kinder-Links :: Mysterious Little Fears

Posted on By unkle lancifer


I admit it. My love for Bigfoot is fading fast. I'm beginning to think the big palooka is all looks and no brains. I don't understand why he has to smash so many people's windows without provocation. Could the mystery beast be nothing more than a glorified vandal? I'm beginning to feel like Bobby Brady when he figured out that Jesse James was a dick-wad. I get that Bigfoot does not have to concern himself with money and such, but what exactly does he do with his day? With all that time to kill I would imagine that he would come up with a better game plan. He certainly could have learned at least one language by now!

Thankfully, my mission to watch every Bigfoot movie known to man has been greatly assisted by my pal Jeff over at DINNER WITH MAX JENKE. He was kind enough to lighten my load this week by reviewing the documentary THE MYSTERIOUS MONSTERS, a film that gave him the old Kindertrauma whammy back when he was a kid. Check out his thoughts along with some impressive footage of the hirsute beast of leisure HERE!

Long-time Kindertrauma role model Curt of THE GROOVY AGE OF HORROR has brought something fascinating to our attention, a childhood horror role-playing game created by JASON L. BLAIR called LITTLE FEARS. In it you take on the role of a child and get to battle beasts like the boogeyman and travel to a dark fantasy world called CLOSETLAND. The game, originally released in 2001, is looking forward to a special edition sometime in the future. Apparently it has caused controversy and divided critics with its portrayal of child abuse, with some condemning it and some, like noted author ANDREW VACHSS, throwing laurels. From what I've seen it looks pretty creepy, but any game where teddy bears come to life to protect you and kids survive thanks to a special magic called "belief" can't be too bad in my book. To learn and see more stop by the grooviest place on earth HERE!

Murder Loves Killers Too

Posted on By unkle lancifer


Do you guys remember a little while back when we talked about the cool poster art for the forthcoming film MURDER LOVES KILLERS TOO?

Having not seen the movie yet, I stated that from the trailer the movie, "Looks like it knows where to go and how to get there." Well guess what, I got a chance to the see the movie and I'm happy to report that I'll never have to eat those particular words. When you hear horror fans bemoaning the present state of the genre, if you ever wonder what exactly it is that these people are on their hands and knees begging for, the answer is MURDER LOVES KILLERS TOO. I'm not exaggerating, much of the film is a love letter to all of your favorite flicks and the part that isn't is a bright shining arrow pointing towards the genre's future.

The story is simple, five pretty young things embark on a weekend and meet one not so pretty older thing and, as expected, a giant portion of said people are super dead by the time the end credits roll. Director DREW BARNHARDT basically takes the viewer on a tour of horror's most famous landmarks; it's a fun journey and he's a great guide, but just as you're getting ready to thank him for the wonderful time and return to your hotel to write postcards, he grabs you by the ear and drags you down an alley that's not on any map. This is where M.L.K.T. sets itself apart from the pack. It makes it perfectly clear that there is no place this film is unwilling to go. It's not afraid of gore, it's not afraid of black humor, and it's not afraid to be smart, subtle and artistic.

I usually try to give small independent films with a limited budget some leeway when watching them but now I'm left wondering why I do. M.L.K.T. proves that it doesn't cost anything extra to set up handsomely memorable shots, recruit likable, natural actors (lead screamer CHRISTINE HAEBERMAN particularly impresses) or orchestrate nail-biting, suspenseful scenes. I guess all you need is talent and a serious authentic love for what you're creating, two things on obvious display here. This movie can be enjoyed as a blood-soaked party film or a bizarre art house character study or anything in-between.

Mark my words though, this is not the last time you hear about MURDER LOVES KILLERS TOO. Not only does it know where to go and how to get there, but it's genuinely committed to giving horror fans what they've been pleading for, the ride of their lives.

Bigfoot (1970)

Posted on By unkle lancifer


If one Sasquatch monster per film is not enough for you, than 1970's BIGFOOT has your back. In this movie we find a whole clan of Bigfoot monsters running about, terrorizing a small town. Much like the fish monsters from HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP, these dudes only have one thing on their primitive minds, interbreeding with human ladies to populate their dwindling race. (We know that this type of inter-species whoopee has been successful in the past because there is a little Bigfoot/human hybrid helping them out).

One day the monsters kidnap a chick who happens to be the girlfriend of a member of a motorcycle gang that's passing through town and all types of hell breaks loose. Unbeknownst to the Sasquatch tribe, they have started a gang war! In order to preserve the lifestyle they have grown accustomed to, which consists of raping ladies by day and wrestling bears and mountain lions at night, the Bigfoot clan must defend their turf from the not threatening in the least motorcycle gang.

BIGFOOT, a certifiable mess with the most unconvincing sets this side of GILLIGAN'S ISLAND, at least knows how to have a little fun. Bikinis, funky music and motorcycles go a long way in hypnotizing the viewer into ignoring small details like the fact that you have to actually light dynamite to make it explode. JOHN CARADINE and, count 'em, two MITCHUMS (JOHN AND CHRISTOPHER) are on hand to ease some of the pain, but me thinks the film makers were relying mostly on the voluptuous talents of JOI LANSING to carry the audience through the film. I have to admit there is dopey fun to be had in this showdown for species dominance, but as usual I think I was routing for the wrong team's victory. One thing is undebatable, the sasquatch were not the most alarming inhabits of this film.

The Curse of Bigfoot

Posted on By unkle lancifer


If you're experiencing Bigfoot mania and you want it to end immediately, just watch THE CURSE OF BIGFOOT. Not only will you find yourself losing your appetite for the hairy beast but also for movies in general and perhaps even life itself. For me, it actually brought back memories of having to watch sleep inducing educational films in junior high school, and for that I can never forgive it. In fact, most of the movie involves a class lecture that never seems to end. I knew watching this movie so soon after seeing the incredible NIGHT OF THE DEMON was akin to going on a blind date right after meeting the person of my dreams, but I was willing to give it a fair shake anyway. Well let me tell you, if CURSE was a blind date it would be the type that you slam your door on after first glance.

I tried to be patient when Bigfoot showed up in the beginning wearing an obvious paper-maché mask. I even withstood the not quite amusing tale about two hillbillies encountering the beast in the woods. Then, mid-way through the film, a crazy lecturer appears out of nowhere to tell his own not even slightly harrowing tale. His story is actually a film made ten years earlier that's been tacked on to fill in CURSE's running time. Watching a completely different movie should be a relief, but the film he relays is TEENAGERS BATTLE THE THING; it involves a mummy in a cave and it's actually worse than the film we're already suffering through. (They were able to get the same guy from that much earlier picture to play the part of the dude who is boring the class, so kudos for that).

I suppose this movie could be fun if you are a masochist and I guess the idea of seeing two movies scotch-taped together is slightly intriguing, but in this case, the novelty is short lived. You all stand warned; if you're looking for anything resembling a good time, you're better off just walking over and opening your refrigerator and peering inside. There is sure to be more going on in there, and it's definitely going on at a much faster pace. Trust me NIGHT OF THE DEMON, what happened between me and THE CURSE OF BIGFOOT was meaningless!

Kinder-News :: We Are Geeks!

Posted on By unkle lancifer


We here at Kindertrauma are usually perfectly happy hiding our nightlight under a bushel, but something this cool we just have to share. It turns out our little corner of the World Wide Web is featured in this month's issue of GEEK MONTHLY. In fact, our name can be seen right there smack on the cover! How exciting is that? The greatest part of the whole thing is all the incredible people who are in this issue that we get to rub imaginary shoulders with. I'm talking long-time heroes MST3K's JOEL HODGEN & TV'S FRANK, (I get chills writing this next one) ginger-haired BUFFY alum FELICIA DAY, who has been in the same room with GOD as far as I'm concerned, real live Canadians THE KIDS IN THE FRICKIN' HALL, the always welcome to stop by Kindertrauma Castle whenever the hell he pleases HART BOCHNER (a.k.a. SUPERGIRL's boyfriend!), and look, that's Mr. GREG KINNEAR on the cover! Have I ever mentioned that I've devoted my life to defending STUCK ON YOU and can quote lines of dialogue from the film, a favorite being when EVA MENDES says "I love it when famous people don't turn out to be dick-wads!"? (Wait, isn't that a MORRISSEY song too?) Wow, this name dropping thing is a blast, I gotta do it more often. Who else we got, oh, they review the remake of THE WIZARD OF GORE. That means CRISPEN GLOVER a.k.a Jingle Dell, is now kinda sorta our new best friend too! I guess I don't have to point out at this point that we are super honored and super giddy about this. We wouldn't do Kindertrauma if it wasn't fun and it wouldn't be fun without you guys, so a big thanks to our readers for making a development like this possible! Now, go buy a hundred issues of GEEK MONTHLY!

NOTE: Since this will probably be my last chance to talk about STUCK ON YOU, do you know about this weird thing in the opening credits which is way more amazing then the not real THREE MEN AND A BABY GHOST? Can you see that scary face under the bed? It appears just as THE PIXIES, on the soundtrack, get to the line "face turn blue" in "Here Comes Your Man"…

On the DVD commentary THE FARRELLY BROTHERS say that it may be some sports equipment or just the way the light hits some dust, but they don't sound too convinced and frankly, neither am I! Finally here is cinematic evidence of what kids have been trying to convince their parents of for hundreds of years, there really is something under the bed!

Kinder-News :: It's That Day Again

Posted on By unkle lancifer


I found this image somewhere on the Web a while back and I was really disturbed by it. I'm not posting it today to be glib or make light of the horrors that took place on this date seven years ago. I'd just like to point out that this once benign illustration is forever altered. I'm sure there are many film fans out there who can relate to the scenario of watching a movie filmed before the events of that day, seeing the New York skyline as it once was, and still being surprised by a sudden pang of aftershock. We're not very political here at Kindertrauma (Gremlins deserve equal pay as Mogwai!), but we do know a thing or two about lost innocence and the ghastly moment when one realizes that they are not as safe in this world as they once believed. We hope that everyone takes a moment today to remember how fragile human life is, at any age, and to be thankful that many of us got to experience a time in our lives when the worst thing we could imagine was a monster under the bed…

Night Of The Demon (1980)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I wish someone could explain to me why the Bigfoot movie NIGHT OF THE DEMON is not the most celebrated horror movie in the world. I don't get it. I realize that it was banned in the U.K. as a video nasty, and that it's never really been distributed properly uncut in the U.S., but I'm kind of shocked that it's not more notorious.

Should the blame be placed on the generic, misleading title or the fact that, on a technical level, the film is so relentlessly amateurish that it gives one the impression that it may have been assembled by Bigfoot himself? I still don't get it. I mean the big guy actually rips off some poor dude's weenie in this movie and I feel that alone should seal the film's reputation for eternity.

In most movies about the (some say) mythical beast, he is shown as a GARBO-esque, chronically shy recluse. In NIGHT OF THE DEMON, Bigfoot rapes a lady on her front lawn as her religious zealot father watches from the porch. To me, that's like the exact opposite of shy (or the recorded behavior of GARBO). Come to think of it, I can't believe I used to feel sorry for ol' tall dark and hairy, especially after the way he grabs a sad sack in his sleeping bag in this movie, spins him over his head in a circle a couple times and then throws him into a sharp branch, impaling him like a campfire marshmallow on a twig. Let's not even mention the whole bashing two knife holding Girl Scouts together so that they stab each other routine. C'mon Sasquatch, that's just sick…

It's true that the script is borderline Neanderthal and that the acting is all around lame, but I have to confess that when a film looks this much like late seventies porn, I can let stuff like that slide. I'm not saying that there are not scenes here that will bore normal humans to near tears, but seriously IT HAS THE GREATEST ENDING EVER FILMED!!! If the special effects were just a little bit better, it would blow that whole raft scene from THE BURNING right out of the water. Just when you think you've seen it all and are ready to call it a day, ol' Biggy crashes a cabin and literally beats the living daylights out of the entire cast. I'm not kidding; he throttles the stuffing out of them. He rips out one guy's intestines and actually starts beating his friends with it. A lady gets a pitch fork shoved up her backside, another guy gets his face pushed into a burning stove, and it's all done in hilarious slow motion while Bigfoot roars his furry head off. I've never seen anything like it. It's like an ITCHY & SCRATCHY cartoon come to life, and I can't wait to watch it again.

As much as the professionalism of DEMON leaves something to be desired, I have to give credit where credit is due. Even beyond its obvious value as a gore flick, I respect the obvious effort to create something a bit different. The entire tale is basically a flashback story that not only has flashback stories within the flashback story, but also dreams within the flashbacks within the stories or something like that. If that weren't enough, we're also privy to "Bigfoot Vision," that's when you see the woods through a blood red circle. Even if you were to remove the delicious violence, I must thank the makers of this movie for introducing me to the character of "Crazy Wanda" who chomps on candy, looks like the lead singer of THE DIVINYLS and gives birth to the monster's baby. She alone would have made this picture worthwhile. (I should point out that even though Bigfoot raped crazy Wanda, when he's not killing people he brings her presents nearly everyday).

You may read bad reviews of this movie elsewhere, but pay them no mind; those people are lying to you. I don't know why or to what end, but they are lying through their teeth! NIGHT OF THE DEMON is amazing…

…it will break its foot off in your A$$!!!