kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

Traumafessions :: Reader Taylor on Indiana Jones & the Missing Head

Posted on By unkle lancifer

When I was a really little kid in the early 80s and was too young to go see the coolest movies, my parents would get these "read-along" storybook versions of movies for my brother and me. They were very short picture booklets that came with tapes of someone (usually not the original actor) in character telling you what happens in the story as you flip through the book…You'd know to turn the page when you heard a chime. I remember that we had them for the STAR WARS movies, and E.T. (I specifically remember young DREW BARRYMORE as Gertie really hamming it up on the tape struggling to pronounce "extra-terrestrial").

To my trauma: In the booklet for RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, there was a still from the movie of the part where Indiana Jones is leaping from a horse onto the side of a truck. To my mind, because of the position of Indy's body and his arms, it looked like he was missing his head. This was utterly terrifying to me…I'd always shut my eyes whenever I'd get to that page in the book, then open them again when we got to the next page (I couldn't really flip ahead, not without the chime allowing me too, for God's sake!). I guess I was really too young to follow the story very carefully, even being totally spoon-fed the dumbed-down version, because I saw it as: "Indy's having adventures, having adventures, LOOK OUT FOR THE HEADLESS MONSTER-MAN, having adventures…"

I couldn't find the actual still, but I grabbed it from the scene on Youtube for you. I'm at work, so I don't have the DVD to get it…But I think the Youtube-quality makes it even eerier…


UNK SEZ: Taylor, this traumafession cracks me up! I love it! It just goes to show you, no matter how hard we try to shield our kids from kindertrauma, kindertrauma can be found in just about anything! I guess it's just a natural and necessary part of growing up and of learning the difference between real and imagined dangers. I also should congratulate you on your bravery and sense of duty for patiently waiting for the record to chime before turning the offending page! I found the below image on eBay, is this the diabolical record that stands accused?


AFTERTHOUGHT: Taylor I can't stop thinking about your traumafession! I would like to share one of my own personal bogey monsters. A creature that crawled out of the mists of my not fully formed brain and whose creation can only be blamed on me. Her name was MARY WOLF and I was quite sure she had committed herself to my destruction. Her name was derived from my misunderstanding of an overheard conversation about the comic MARY WORTH. (Why someone should be discussing MARY WORTH and not APARTMENT 3-G I'll never know!) At first she was an actual wolf, but later I remember there was a picture on the cover of an old children's encyclopedia of an African mud mask with straw hair that I was convinced was the demon's true image captured. In any case, she didn't come from an R-rated movie, she did not spawn from a creepy commercial or song or from anything that I was exposed to that I should not have been. MARY WOLF (or is it MERRY WOLF?) came from me. When cars drove past our house at night they'd shoot squares of light across my bedroom ceiling. I imagined all of those blocks of light were road signs and warnings that read "BEWARE OF MARY WOLF!" and "GO BACK NOW!" I just wanted you to know that she has lived in an iron cage in the back of my brain until headless Indy sprung her free early this morning. I hope they are not planning to team up!

The Island (1980)

Posted on By unkle lancifer


For a film that I do not often think about, I sure have a long and varied history with THE ISLAND, a 1980 wannabe-actioner based on a novel by JAWS scribe PETER BENCHLEY. The first time I saw it, my father took me and my brothers to go see it in the theater. I was about the same age as the young boy in the film and I remember absolutely loving the flick as a violent, forbidden spectacle that fanned my adolescent running away and joining the circus fantasies. The next time I saw it, I was in my early twenties and I hated it. I thought it was trash and I wondered what I was thinking as a lad. Now, after watching it once more as a theoretical adult, I have to say that early twenties me was a pretentious poser who wouldn't know fun if it karate chopped him on the neck! MICHAEL CAINE stars as a delightfully lenient dad (nudie mags and a gun are allowed for his 12-year-old son) who just happens to be trying to solve mankind's greatest and most relevant natural mystery, that of the dreaded Bermuda Triangle! (I cannot get enough of the Bermuda Triangle). What he finds instead is a bunch of crazy pirates who like to plant axes into tourists' skulls and swipe their luggage. CAINE's son is brainwashed and groomed to become one of the pirates, thanks to his excellent marksmanship and CAINE himself is kept on a leash and used for breeding purposes. It's all as insane as it sounds, and is probably one of the few examples of a big budget exploitation flick. I agree with 20-year-old me that it's all pretty stupid, but 12-year-old me was smart enough to be satisfied watching literally dozens of men machine gunned down in an awesome climax that would become a video game staple 20 years later. My one complaint is that the actual pirates look like crap. Maybe this was the director's lone unwanted nod toward reality, but they are a sickly, toothless lot that look like they could be swept away with a large feather duster. (Saving CAINE for "breeding" purposes is a bit sketchy too). Maybe I've read too many matchbook covers, but I thought pirates looked less like Tippy the Turtle and more like this exquisetly butch "DRAW ME!" specimen…


Anyway, as a kid not only did I covet the exciting lifestyle of CAINE's son who gets to murder people while pretending to be brainwashed and will never be acountable for his actions, but I was also very much fascinated by this girl…


Her parents were murdered in front of her eyes and now she operates as a decoy! She poses as if she needs help and then when someone tries to aid her, the pirates come out and slit their throats. I know it sounds sick, but I think that this is the best job ever! All she has to do is sit there and do a creepy smile once and awhile!

The most laughable scene in the movie happens when the pirates invade a boat of coke smugglers and come face to face with a BRUCE LEE impersonator who wears his shirt tied up around his waist like Mary Ann from GILLIGAN'S ISLAND. Something tells me this guy was in line to host DANCE FEVER right after DENEY TERRIO and ADRIAN ZMED. This is a full two years before the famous superfluous karate scene in PIECES and really has to be seen (and heard) to be believed…

I swore long ago that I would never use the phrase "So bad it's good," so I'm not going to start now, but make no mistake THE ISLAND is super-fantastic-awesome-genius if you take it with a very large grain of sea salt. If you're lucky, it can also make you feel like you're a 12-year old kid again.

And as for my 20 year old self, good riddance I say. What kinda ingrate thumbs his nose at a movie that is kind enough to throw this lovely image at the viewer in the first ten minutes?

Traumafessions :: Eric a.k.a. FilmFather on the Legacy

Posted on By unkle lancifer

The setting: A gathering at my aunt's house, circa 1979 (I'd be about 10). As I walk through an empty living room, I come across THE LEGACY playing on the TV (HBO, I guess). It's a rather weak horror film about 6 people drawn to an old British mansion where they are killed off one by one by nasty deaths: a swimmer drowns when the pool won't "let" her resurface, a man's shotgun backfires in his face, etc.

But the death I stumbled onto that fateful evening was a Trauma-Scene in three parts: First, the older man of the group in the mansion dies when the fireplace near him blows a gust of flame that consumes his body. Then, we see one of the mansion's workers dump a bag of the man's steaming, charred remains on the grounds outside. And then, after SAM ELLIOT (I think) escapes a pack of rottweilers chasing him on the mansion grounds, the dogs double back and EAT THE REMAINS OF THE MAN in sloppy, gnawing, big-dog chomps.

Thanks for letting me get that out.

UNK SEZ: Eric Thanks for that traumafession. You are correct that was SAM ELLIOT running away from those dastardly pooches! I myself will always remember the T.V. ad for THE LEGACY which showed a creepy old hand coming out from behind a curtain in a sick room and forcing a ring on KATHERINE ROSS' finger! You're right though, the movie as a whole is a bit dry and lackluster. No matter, as long as it has at least one trauma-scene that's good enough for us and you found several! By the by folks, Eric's blog FilmFather is a great resource for dad's looking to make sure their own kids don't get too traumatized by what they watch (Hey wait a minute, should we really support that?!!). Check out FilmFather HERE.

Trauma-Scene :: Garfield: His Nine Lives

Posted on By unkle lancifer


Et tu Garfield? In the 1988 television special based on the popular 1984 book GARFIELD: HIS NINE LIVES, we are, for the most part, delivered what we have come to expect from the ornery orange feline: wise-cracky humor that's about as deep as a lasagna tray. It's important to note that before becoming a corporate tool, the bug-eyed Garfield was snarky and sarcastic way before it was considered hip. Back then it was called being "a jerk" and most kids felt a fondness for the guy for voicing (through telepathy) his unwarranted repulsion toward his loving owner and caretaker. As in the book, the television show reveals Garfield's previous lives throughout the centuries and it actually goes so far to suggest that he was not only once a caveman, but also a jazz playing court musician.

As if this propagation of disinformation was not enough, the seventh life of Garfield seems to have been created solely to traumatize any straggler children who were smart enough to pass up seeing PLAGUE DOGS. The story opens with the cat being given experimental shots in a government science research facility.  Apparently the sight of the obnoxious Garfield as we know him being dissected is not traumatic enough, so through the magic of animation he is transformed into a Disney-esque kitten. We never do get to see his innards though because the about to be mutilated kitty smashes through a glass window and escapes (a feat that my own beloved cat Gato Malo can tell you (telepathically) is impossible after many failed attempts!) After hitching a ride on a helicopter and swimming across a stream, the plague cat suddenly suffers every cat's worse nightmare of indignity; due to the experimental drug in his body, he morphs AMERICAN WEREWOLF-style into a dog!!! Not just any dog mind you, but a dog with glowing eyes! This would be a perfect time for the filmmakers to stage a cathartic bloody revenge scenario, but satisfying the viewer is the last thing on their minds. Hapless kiddie viewers are left with the image of a likely possessed dog, a bounty of lingering questions, and a severe case of the creeps.
Watch the horror HERE.

P.S. The ultimate blasphemy is yet to come. By this show's conclusion it is revealed that God himself is a feline when Garfield finally kicks the bucket! It is also outrageously suggested that our lord and savior is gullible enough to be fooled into not only giving Garfield an additional unearned nine lives but also awarding Garfield's tag along non-cat friend Odie nine lives as well. How this got on the air, I will never know. I am lighting up a torch and forming a mob as we speak…

Kinder-News :: Jim Henson Continues Posthumous Reign Of Terror

Posted on By unkle lancifer

JIM HENSON LA CHOY CHOW MEIN NOODLES

Who is this dragon and why is he such a demanding, loud-mouthed bully? Sources say repeat traumatizer JIM HENSON is directly responsible for his existence. You'll have to visit CARRIE WHITE BURNS IN HELL for ACTUAL FOOTAGE of this destructive beast in action as he brow beats a clearly mortified mother who fears for her child's safety into buying LA CHOY CHOW MEIN NOODLES. While you're at CARRIE's pad, do yourself a favor and ignore her dirty pillows and take a gander at the awesome KILL BABY KILL lobby cards instead… they go great with Chow mein! JUMP TO CARRIE

kill baby kill lobby card

Name That Trauma :: Reader Amanda on "A Kids' Book Where Bears & Crocodiles Attack Royals!"

Posted on By unkle lancifer

name that trauma!

I have a story about a book my mother bought at a yard sale when I was a kid. It was a fairy tale story that started innocently enough, with a king and queen having a wedding anniversary. They both want to give each other gifts, so the queen hires a hunter to kill a bear and she makes a fur cloak out of the bear's fur. The king kills a crocodile and has a purse made out of it. The big anniversary party arrives and everyone in the kingdom shows up to watch the gift exchange. The king loves his cloak, the queen loves her purse. THEN…all of a sudden, the king starts choking because his cloak has come to life and is crushing him with bear arms. Meanwhile, the queen is being swallowed whole by her crocodile purse. I wish to stress this was a picture book. Meaning there was a full page illustration of the king being crushed into a pulp, and the queen's lifeless foot hanging out of her purse in a puddle of blood.

After my Mom saw this, she threw it out, but its memory remains. I guess the author was trying to make some commentary about killing animals for fashion, but he could have used a medium that wouldn't result in years of nightmares for little children. I have never been able to find that book again, even on the Internet. I remember being totally horrified, but liking the story up to that point. I used to read it and skip over the bad pages before my Mom saw it. If anybody knows the title of this book, or the author, could you let me know?

UNK SEZ: What a stumper! I have no idea what book this may be and let me tell you, I have looked high and low. How about you readers out there, does this vengeful animal tale sound familiar to you? One thing is for sure, anyone who read this book as a child will remember it! It certainly makes me think twice about buying that raccoon hat I've had my eye on all summer! Please leave a comment or email us at kindertrauma@gmail.com if you can help our dear friend Amanda!

Kinder-News :: An Interview With Lana of Starts Today!

Posted on By unkle lancifer


When your Unkle Lancifer was a wee critter, he had many a mad obsession. One was that he collected horror movie ads from newspapers and put them into giant photo albums. The truth is, I could not be stopped and wherever I went, I was always sniffing around for old newspapers to ravage. I remember coming across some old lady whose house had piles of newspapers on her back porch, ringing her doorbell and telling her I was doing a project on "current affairs" for school and asking her if I could go through her papers. (I got the ALIEN ad that day!)Every Friday I stole the newspaper from the house in front of my school bus stop. I was on a mission, causalities were to be expected. Theoretically these photo albums still exist in my parent's attic, but if they do not, I would rather not know about it. I'm telling you kids, this stuff was cool; I even had a full-page ad of THE BEYOND, when it was called SEVEN DOORS OF DEATH! Anywhoozles, the other day I was over at the Myspace and I noticed that someone left a nice note to Kindertrauma with a lovely ad for THE PROPHECY right next to it. This person was really speaking my language, so I went to her my space page and frankly, it was like walking into Unk's idea of heaven on earth. It was all full of horror newspaper ads with promises of more to come. HERE'S WHERE IT GET'S WEIRD… happily I spy an ad for SCREAMS OF A WINTER NIGHT, a PG-rated movie that I went to see with my cousins that really freaked me out (I was a soft touch, you know!) I glance down and one of the theaters listed where it's playing at, is the actual one I saw it in…BUDCO GATEWAY 3!!! In fact, all the ads are from around my neck of the woods. This isn't just the history of horror; this is the history of cinema in my home town!!! Some of these are the very ads from my books! Well, I had to contact this person immediately, for as far as I was concerned, this was the find of the century! The Myspace page is appropriately called STARTS TODAY! and the mastermind behind its wondrous existence is named Lana. Lana was kind enough to field some hard hitting questions from cub reporter yours truly and here are the results:

UNK: First of all can we get a traumafession out of you? What was the first film that really scared you as a kid and why?

LANA: There were many films that traumatized me as a child but the first one I can vividly remember is 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY which my mom took me to see in the theater when I was three. And it wasn't just one part of the movie that traumatized me, it was the whole thing. The apes, the monolith, Hal, the giant fetus floating around in space…all of it! I remember crying when it was over because I was so freaked out. I don't know how that film got away with a G rating. It may not have any gore but it definitely contains some disturbing imagery.

UNK: Can you tell us a little bit about your history collecting these ads how did you start?

LANA: I use to love looking at horror movie newspaper ads when I was a kid. Especially the gruesome stuff like MOTHER'S DAY and SCANNERS. Advertising was much different back then so if a film featured taboos such as cannibalism and rape, it was promoted as a must see event. And truth be told, the more demented the ad was the more you wanted to see the movie. So one day about six years ago I had a conversation with my father about my love of movie ads from the 70's and 80's. After that I started to wonder if there was any way to track the old ads down. I was fortunate enough to find a library with an amazing microfilm collection dating back to the 30's. I felt as though I had hit the jackpot because not only could I find the ads I grew up with but also the ones that came out before my time. I've spent the past six years collecting them and I probably have about 1,000 of them by now. Maybe more.

UNK: (after picking jaw off the floor) Are there any ads that you don't have in your collection that you wish that you did?

LANA: There are several ads that I'm still looking for but the ones I am most interested in finding right now are SATAN'S CHEERLEADERS, MATANGO (aka 'Attack Of The Mushroom People')' and a 3-D film called ROTTWEILER: DOGS OF HELL.

UNK: Which one is your all time favorite?

LANA: I'm a huge fan of gimmick movies so any ads that involve 3-D, barf bags, surgical masks, Sensurround, and William Castle would have to top my list of favorites. I also love teaser ads. The AMITYVILLE HORROR (1979) is a great example. Several weeks prior to the film's release there would be these little ads that featured a picture of the house with messages like "The Flies" or "The Unnatural Cold" and that's all it would say. But you knew damn well what movie it was for and those kind of ads would really get you pumped up to see it.


UNK: Do you still collect horror ads? How do you think contemporary print ads stack up to these classics?

LANA: I am still collecting but not just for horror. I also have several ads for sci-fi, action and porn films.

As for the contemporary ads…

The quality and creativity of print ads started to decline during the late 80's. By then grindhouses and drive in theaters were dying out so that pretty much made exploitation and double feature ads obsolete. A lot of horror films were being made exclusively for home video so you saw fewer and fewer ads for them in the newspaper. Then we had the horror drought of the early 90's and there were no ads which really sucked. Horror films became popular again in the late 90's but the ads for those weren't very imaginative. They usually featured some lame actors from the WB lined up "smallest to tallest". And so far I haven't seen anything this decade that has impressed me.

UNK: Hallelujah to that ! Thanks Lana, not only for the interview but for diligently collecting and sharing these awesome artifacts. You've really got me missing those old ads and it's great to know there's a place that I can go to find them in the future. If my parents did throw out my albums, it's good to know you've got my back!! Keep up the good work and expect to find me stopping by STARTS TODAY! on a regular basis!

Kinder-Link :: Mystic Places & Max Jenke

Posted on By unkle lancifer


Do you remember those creepy TIME-LIFE series of books like MYSTIC PLACES, MYSTERIES OF THE UNKNOWN and THE ENCHANTED WORLD? I actually have a couple of those volumes that I've found over the years second hand. I had forgotten all about the weird commercials for them though, that is until your pal and mine Jeff Allard reminded me on his blog. They used to play those things all the time and it seemed they were particularly shown late at night. Watching them again after all this time, I find I can still almost recite them word for word. If you're in for a slice of nostalgia with a dollop of observational wisdom, as always, I recommend DINNER WITH MAX JENKE where it's routinely served. Jeff's post had me longing for the days when there was more than cosmetic ads and celebrity gossip shows on late night T.V. and the biggest thing I presumed to be threatening my safety was little green men. JUMP TO JENKE.

Traumafessions :: Reader Danny R. on the Death(s) of Kenny

Posted on By unkle lancifer

SOUTH PARK has been a favorite of mine since I was a kid. It was always edgy, rude, and grossly entertaining, even if I didn't get some of the more sexual jokes as a kid. However, at about twelve years of age, I saw an episode that will haunt me forever.

Now, all fans of the series know that Kenny dies fairly regularly. At twelve years old, it was an accepted fact of life: Kenny was made to make muffled sounds, wear a pimpin' orange, white trash hoodie, and die. However, it was always O.K. when he died, because it was usually in some silly, comedic way, followed by the famous line
"OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED KENNY! YOU BASTARD!". Kenny would be back next week, and we all knew it. He was like Freddy or Jason; no matter what you did, you could never kill him for real… until the second to last episode of Season Five.

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