kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

The Creepy Kids of Star Trek

Posted on By unkle lancifer


Let's get this straight right off the bat, I'm not a Trekkie. My allegiance has always lied with the Galactica (c'mon, there was a monkey in an orange robot dog suit in it, what choice do I have?) Much of my resistance to GENE RODDENBERRY's creation had to do with the fact that when my brothers and I played STAR TREK, I always had to be "Bones" McCoy. (Actually I guess I chose to be the good doctor not knowing that it was such a lackluster, mostly phaser-less role). That being said, I have always had a fondness for an episode from S.T.'s first season entitled "Miri" in which the gang visits a planet not unlike Earth, except that the adult population is dead and children rule. Needless to say, this episode has Kindertrauma written all over it. Actually it turns out that the kids are like 300 years old and because of some funky virus that was created, they age about a month in a hundred years. The down side is when you hit puberty, you get blue blotches all over you and turn into a whack job. Hold up a second, a "failed" experiment that lets you live 300 years? That sounds kind of like a successful experiment to me. So what if you turn into a crazy lunatic that spouts nonsense at some point, that would have happened when you got old anyway! Characteristically mac daddy Captain Kirk and company set out to "cure" these kids and return them to a normal, blue-blotch-free life cycle. I guess they are inspired by the fact that the crew of the Enterprise are all past puberty, have caught the disease and are perilously close to freak out time (Spock is immune, but may be a carrier). Speaking of freak out time, this episode contains my favorite SHATNER line in history. When the kids respond to Captain Kirk's attempts to resolve their differences by chanting "Blah, Blah, Blah," over all his words, Kirk's brilliant retort is " NO, BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!" This is around the time one of the uglier kids "bonk-bonks" "Mr.Lovey-Dovey" on the head with a wrench. I'm really not doing this episode justice and I apologize. Even cooler than the prerequisite freak out by my man SHATNER is the presence of a young KIM DARBY, who would later battle tiny walnut-faced imps in the Kinder-fave T.V. movie DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK and get a deadly dose of M.M. rage in HALLOWEEN 6. Furthermore you are treated to the lovable, Mr. Mxyzptlk looking AMERICAN GOTHIC alum MICHAEL J. POLLARD as the kid's ringleader. Even if you're not a Trekkie you may still enjoy this highly entertaining CHILDREN OF THE CORN-like S.T. episode. Those interested can find it in its entirety HERE



The U.S.S. Enterprise runs afoul of yet another group of deadly kids in the season three episode "And the Children Shall Lead." They go to a planet where a bunch of adults have just committed mass suicide JIM JONES style and find a bunch of strangely unbereft tykes there, which they take aboard the ship. The children are actually following the lead of a super fat alien in a moo-moo and with some kind of hand jive routine are able to make the crew hallucinate that their worst fears are reality. Sulu imagines giant swords are floating in space, Uhuru envisions herself an old hag in her handy computer board vanity mirror…

…and Captain Kirk becomes so insecure that, I swear to God he seriously almost made out with Spock in the elevator!!! If either they or I was a little more drunk I think it would have happened!

This episode guest stars puppy activist and official Traumatot PAMELYN FERDIN and is pretty damn good as well even though it is usually considered the WORST episode ever made by most STAR TREK fans. (You can watch it HERE). I guess the truth is the only thing really keeping Unkle Lancifer from becoming a full-blown Trekkie is actually watching the show because I sorta loved both these episodes. Well, it's too late for me to change my Colonial spots now and there ARE Cylons a' calling. Maybe if that make-out session in the elevator had actually materialized it would be a different story.


UPDATE:It seems my mission to go where no Galactica fan has gone before is not quite over. I was alerted to yet another creepy STAR TREK kid by a kind reader (Adam Ross of DVD PANACHE, who I suspect IS a Trekkie!). Having just viewed it, I'm here to report it is indeed another stellar episode. In "The Corbomite Maneuvre," our favorite ship gets blocked by something that looks like a lone spinning D&D die in outer space (just how nerdy am I prepared to go?) After they blow it up, a giant Christmas tree ornament attacks and begins making ballsy threats about destroying the Enterprise. An ugly alien even appears on their screen to talk more smack; he's pissed off and he won't listen to reason. Spock suggests that the battle of wills that ensues is comparable to a game of Chess. Probably never having played chess, Kirk likens it to playing poker, which gives him a brilliant Blair Warner idea, why not bluff (i.e. lie) his way out? Kirk then makes of few grand threats of his own. Telling the alien that basically the Enterprise is rubber and he is glue and that whatever he does to them…well, you know the rest. There are more idol threats and some camera tilting "action" and then rather than more smart talk they get a distress call from their foe. When Kirk, Bones and some nobody who has been bitching all episode beam aboard the enemy ship, they find the alien they saw previously on screen was just a fake dummy and this guy Balok lounging around like TRUMAN CAPOTE getting wasted on something called "tranya."
The whole thing was just a test to see if the Enterprise could be trusted! Balok's not a bad guy at all he's just a lil' guy played by the more talented HOWARD brother, CLINT! Kirk and Bones dump the bitchy crew member on the trana-holic Balok and return to the ship, everybody wins! And we get another great creepy STAR TREK kid!

From A Whisper To A Scream a.k.a. The Offspring

Posted on By unkle lancifer


FROM A WHISPER TO A SCREAM a.k.a. THE OFFSPRING may not be the best horror anthology in the world, but it does put VINCENT PRICE and SUSAN TYRREL in the same room together and that's good enough for me. Happily, the first and last of the four stories (The PRICE/TYRREL bit serves as a wraparound) end up being particularly well suited for the pages of Kindertrauma. The first tale involves a stalker with a heart of blech (RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD's CLU GULAGER, remarkably unrecognizable) who goes a bit too far trying to win the affections of a co-worker (and by a bit too far I mean killing her and doing the wild thing with her corpse!). After nine months a baby is born to the buried, dead woman and immediately sets about filling this anthology's small creature on the rampage slot (which usually is the last story). CLU is great and so is the little monster, but TRILOGY OF TERROR this ain't and as soon as the action gets good, the story is over. Next we have two tales about witchcraft gone wrong. They both have satisfying conclusions, but each takes its own sweet time getting there. (I like to think of myself as a patient viewer, but c'mon there's no time for lollygagging in an anthology movie!) The final story is a Civil War CHILDREN OF THE CORN with an anti-war message that brings to mind WHO CAN KILL A CHILD? Starring the great CAMERON MITCHEL (THE TOOLBOX MURDERS) and featuring some morbid sight gags, like a bunch of kids playing pin the tail on the donkey with human body parts, it's a pretty cool addition to the whole murderous-children-have-taken-over sub-genre. In this case, the children follow the lead of a mystery being called "The Magistrate," which turns out to be something pretty damn gruesome. I especially enjoyed the scene that involved a child telling a tied up adult, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" as he bashes him on the head with a human bone. This segment could also win an award for "Most Repulsive Use For a Severed Eyeball." Overall, there's enough originality and go-for-broke gusto to warrant a viewing from any horror fan, but stand warned that the pacing is a bit off and that you may see the various comeuppance conclusions coming from a mile away. Whatever the film's weak suites, its cast more than makes up for them, time and time again.

Traumafessions :: Eric M. on Terror in the Aisles

Posted on By unkle lancifer

terror in the aisles

TERROR IN THE AISLES is a film that has had a profound, lasting effect on the way I feel about horror films and some non-horror films that they, for some reason, included. It turned me on to NIGHT HAWKS, VICE SQUAD and one of my all time favorite's PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE. I took it in to my middle school and for some reason did a report on horror films. Everyone cracked up when LINDA BLAIR did the rolled-back-eyes  hoochie coochie dance (even my teacher cracked up). I had just started buying Fangoria magazine (CELLAR DWELLER was on the cover) and brought it to school,this movie made me want to seek out more gore films and especially makeup effects people like TOM SAVINI and ROB BOTTIN (This is the first time I saw the clip from JOHN CARPENTER'S THE THING and even THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE ). The way DONALD PLEASANCE and NANCY ALLEN hosted the film, it seemed like an infomercial for the worst nightmare that you could not escape from.


UNK SEZ: Right there with you Eric. Every horror fan should see TERROR IN THE AISLES at least once. I gotta say I used to find the cheesy musical montage near the end nearly unbearable, but now it's almost my favorite part! Due to licensing issues, it's not likely that T.I.T.A. is going to be put on DVD any time soon (if ever) but currently you can watch the entire movie on your PC thanks to THIS GUY. If you have not seen it, hurry up and do so now before it gets yanked. It will certainly bring back some fond memories of the heyday of horror!

Traumafessions :: Reader Ben H. on E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial

Posted on By unkle lancifer

e.t. phone a doctor

Right after I watched THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK I came down with a nasty cold, and my illness induced several nights of nightmares in which I was an underpowered Luke Skywalker, stranded on Dagobah. As it turns out, Dagobah didn't have a DAMN thing on the San Fernando Valley. For a long list of reasons I was sent, two summers after Empire hit the theaters, to live with foster parents in San Antonio. That might've been tolerable, if… I wasn't from Portland. Seriously. Name two places in these United States of America that are more different.

…So of course, there I was, 2000 miles from my family and everything I knew worth a damn, still feeling totally stranded, going through hell in school because OF COURSE I'm a discipline problem (gee, really???), when E.T. goes into theatrical release. Using a Speak & Spell to "phone home" when home is zillions of miles away? Getting dreadful sick and lying dying in the sterile beating heart of a funky polypropylene tent, surrounded by guys in positive pressure suits? Jesus on a pogo stick, talk about isolation piled on isolation.  I had nightmares for weeks afterward, in spite of spending a good part of the film with my eyes screwed shut.

…The guardianship arrangement that had caused me such grief was ended in the summer of '83.  Even after 25 years of chances to get over it, I've never watched it again, and if I go the rest of my life so bereft, I'll be okay with that.

Official Traumatot :: Randi Allen

Posted on By unkle lancifer


RANDI ALLEN only appeared in one movie and it was called CATHY'S CURSE. If you've ever seen it you will have no questions about why she threw in the towel and gave up the biz for good. Although the movie's problems are legion, it should be pointed out that RANDI is not really one of them. She easily act rings around the adult actors involved (then again how could she not). Still, not every child actor could deliver insults like, "Fat, dried up old whore" with such convincing malicious glee. As far as her post-CATHY life goes we have searched and come up empty handed. Wherever you are RANDI, with this award we apologize for the assumed nightmare that making this film must have been and we thank you for the countless hours of (torturous) entertainment you have provided us.

Cathy's Curse

Posted on By unkle lancifer

cathy's curse

CATHY'S CURSE (a.k.a. CAUCHEMARES) is an awful movie and I love it. I love subjecting people to it. I love watching a smiling, hopeful face, eager for a night of entertainment, slowly melt into one of disappointment and abject nausea. How many times have I forced others to watch this celluloid catastrophe with me? How many friendships have come to a screeching halt due to my insistence that it be regularly viewed? Moreover, how many of those unwittingly indoctrinated, now lost souls, left my home stumbling, screaming into the night just like the unfortunate visitors to Cathy's address?

If CATHY'S CURSE were just incompetent that would be one thing, but it goes far beyond that, it willfully defies rational thought. It laughs in the face of human comprehension. It dares you to follow its lead and then pushes you into a pit of mental strain that only those who have suffered severe head injuries could possibly understand. It's really more of an endurance test than anything else because CATHY'S CURSE is cursed alright. There is something supremely unnatural about it. Maybe it is evil in its truest form, a black hole that tears to shreds the fabric of everything we believe to be natural and real and good. I have come to fear that the atrocity's creation was no accident. If you handed a camera to a mentally disabled monkey, it could deliver a film that reflected something of what day-to-day life on earth was like. No, this is the handiwork of a diabolical madman.

On the surface it masquerades as just another child possession movie. You would think following the action would be simple as the ground it presumes to cover has been tread countless times before. Unfortunately, the "director" stubbornly insists on presenting us countless inconsistencies that go far beyond what viewers would be used to witnessing in a so-called "bad movie." (Imagine a mean-spirited TROLL 2 and you're not even half way there). The instances of counter logic are simply too frequent and too obvious to be a mistake. Why didn't anyone stop them? Considering that the production involved at least as many adult humans as we see on the screen, I can't help but wonder why no one had the wherewithal to intervene and inject at least a granule of sanity to the proceedings. Surely they had some inkling of what they were doing!? They HAD to know!

Maybe future generations will understand. Maybe visitors from outer space could decipher it. Is it an anarchistic treatise against cinema as a whole? An experimental Dadaist poem about the perils of puberty and the dismantling of the nuclear family? By exposing us to random images whose meanings are obtuse or non-existent, are we meant to experience first hand what it's like to be as insane as the people who inhabit this film are?

I am afraid. I am afraid that death will be like CATHY'S CURSE. I am afraid that the curse-a-verse is something real, another dimension beyond or own, a place where only wrong things happen. I fear that only a wall as thin as an onionskin separates our two worlds and that slowly that world is being absorbed into our own. I look in the mirror, am I Cathy's curse? Did I make this happen? Is this movie my punishment for unknown deeds in a previous life? Will it ever go away? If you have not seen it yet, do yourself a favor and stay away. Nobody deserves to live in this kind of turmoil. I am no different than a heroin addict. I know this wretched thing is killing me but life without it is now unimaginable. Me and Cathy are joined for life. She guides me to the abyss and I follow. Turn back gentle reader before it is too late!!! (more…)

Traumafessions :: Richard of Doomedmoviethon on "Christopher Lloyd's Sewed on Head"

Posted on By unkle lancifer

You remember AMAZING STORIES, right? The mostly schmaltzy and occasionally entertaining brainchild of STEVEN SPIELBERG. Well, my favorite episode, "Go To The Head Of The Class", premiered in November of 1986 when I was ten years old. Oh, it's only my favorite now because the terror it inflicted on me has only now finally subsided. For years, I've hated its director, ROBERT ZEMECKIS, for really messing me up (and for BACK TO THE FUTURE PART III). Luckily, Movieplex has been running the AMAZING STORIES "movies", which are just some episodes slapped together, and I have finally faced my fear.

In the episode, CHRISTOPHER LLOYD plays Professor B. O. Beanes, a dictator of a high school teacher who takes great pleasure in punishing his students. When loser goofball Peter Brand, played by SCOTT COFFEY, starts flirting with bad girl Cynthia Simpson, the lovely MARY STUART MASTERSON, in class, they both run afoul of their jerky teacher. In order to get even, Cynthia convinces Peter to practice a little black magic on old Mr. Beanes. They accidentally kill the guy and then try resurrecting him. But, of course, they screw up while casting the spell, tear the head off the photo of the evil teacher, so he comes back from grave headless and very pissed off.

The promos for "Go To The Head Of The Class" had me bouncing off the walls for its premiere. Looking at it now, I see what I loved about the episode. It's campy, sexy in a teenie bopper '80s kind of a way, creepy in a non-threatening way, and fun as hell. But nothing could have prepared me for the surprise ending (which I'm going to ruin here). When all of the severed head business appears to have all just been a dream, Peter Brand arrives late to class to find Cynthia balancing dictionaries on her upturned hands as punishment. He also finds Mr. Beanes with his head reattached to his neck. Unfortunately for Peter (and for me), Beanes removes his scarf to show that his head has been very messily sewed back on.

This completely freaked me out. You see, I had just had my appendix removed and I still had the staples in so I was a little sensitive about seeing sutures. My imagination starting working overtime as I imagined CHRISTOPHER LLOYD's sewed on head stretching backwards and snapping its stitches in a fountain of blood. This didn't happen but I started thinking about my own scar ripping open and my guts falling out. Now I know it sounds convoluted but in a matter of seconds, I had totally ruined this excellent little one hour horror special for myself. I turned off my TV and sat in stunned silence, afraid to move. Needless to say, I had a very sleepless night ahead of me.

UNK SEZ: Thanks Richard, we always love to hear from you. We here at Kindertrauma are big fans of your DOOMED MOVIETHON! Your traumafession got me thinking about something I witnessed on television around the same time which I thought was also an episode of AMAZING STORIES. After a bit of searching, I found out it was an episode of the new TWILIGHT ZONE's first season back in 1985. It's entitled PERSONAL DEMONS and it is directed by PETER MEDAK who did THE CHANGELING. The story is about a writer named O'Bannon who has writer's block and starts seeing this scary guy and others like him everywhere he goes…

They're sorta like evil Jawas or the guys from PHANTASM except all they do is laugh hysterically and tear all his shit up. They trash his car, attack him in a bar and nobody can see these dudes besides him. Anyhows, I was happy to discover that if you act now, you can view it on the youtube before some dillweed takes it down. Here are parts ONE and TWO. I don't want to ruin the story for anyone, but it ends up being a great analogy of the creative process (whatever you do, make sure you read the closing credits). This episode has stuck with me for years so I'm so glad I got a chance to view it again. Oh, how I love my computer.

Traumafessions :: Reader Carolyanne G. on The Wall

Posted on By unkle lancifer

all in all, you're just another brick in the wall

At six years old, I assumed that cartoons were all for kids. Maybe that's why I was so shocked by what my father had fallen asleep in front of. I walked in on him watching THE WALL right at the start of the trial scene. Just the voices in that song haunted me halfway through puberty, until I finally sat down and watched it. The one scene that really hit home with me was the sequence during "Another Brick in the Wall Part 2" where these little kids were being marched into a food grinder. I think between that scene and the "trial" sequence, it took my dad over an hour to calm me down.


UNK SEZ: Carolyanne, I've been waiting for somebody to mention this one! I love this movie, but I can definitely see how it would freak out a youngster. The whole movie is like being stuck in the head of a crazy person and you can't get much more kindertraumatic than a bunch of kids lining up to jump into a meat grinder! Plus who can forget the immortal lines: "If you don't eat your meat you can't have any pudding! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?"

we don't need no meat grinder

Traumafessions :: Reader Amanda on Leprechaun(s)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

i want me gold!

My most vivid memories are about things that scared me when I was a kid. When I was little, about 7 or 8, I saw the movie LEPRECHAUN. It completely terrified me. In the middle of the movie I finally got up the courage to leave the room and ran to my bedroom and jumped on the bed from 3 feet away so anything under the bed couldn't grab me. Then I spent all night lying awake terrified that leprechauns would come up the side of the bed while I was asleep. A couple of years ago when I was about 23, I watched LEPRECHAUN on T.V. and I couldn't believe how cruddy it was. It's amazing what crap will scare a kid. To this day I've never been a fan of leprechauns.


UNK SEZ: Agreed! I'm not a fan of Leprechauns either! They really need to start working on their public image, as it stands , even when they are not killing people, they come across as profoundly greedy and woefully prone to obsessive compulsive disorders and Napoleon complexes. If I had magical powers I think I could find something better to do with my time than go on and on about how great my bucket of gold is and how everyone wants it! Get over yourselves, leprechauns! Nobody cares!

Kinder-News :: Righting the Wrongs of the AFI

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Not unlike 9-1-1, AFI (The American Film Institute) is a joke. Yeah, you heard that right, a joke, and a really unfunny joke like the one about six being afraid of seven. Although they thought to include such non-popular, non-relevant genres like "Sports" and "Courtroom Dramas" on their DUMB LIST, for some reason they neglected our most favorite genre of all. And no, it's not horror. We're all for the ostracizing of horror films, the last thing we want is for horror movies to go mainstream; we're talking about… wheelchair movies!!! (The inclusion of REAR WINDOW in their suspiciously WATCHER IN THE WOODS free mystery list simply does not suffice!) We can overlook their bizarre, borderline flippant, spurious assessments of cinema (Girl at video store: "Let's travel to the magic fantasy world of GROUNDHOG DAY!" Boy at video store: "No. I'm in the mood for a sweeping, globetrotting epic like SHINDLER'S LIST!"), but the smug oversight of making their choices blatantly handicap inaccessible must be corrected at once! We here at Kindertrauma neither have the time nor the will power to right all the wrongs in the world (so please stop asking), but as far as this glaring error in judgment goes, we are more than handicapable.


First Up: The Honorable Mentions…
SCARY MOVIE 2

Although we were hesitant to include a Wayans Brothers' comedy on our list (WHITE CHICKS, anyone?), we can't deny the hypnotic power of dueling wheelchairs, especially when one is captained by DAVID CROSS and the other, a ghostly RICHARD MOLL!

ASYLUM

As this AMICUS anthology aptly illustrates. Being in a wheelchair sometimes makes you vulnerable to sneaky attacks by lil' miniature robot dudes!

PIN

The kooky anatomy doll that goes by the name of "PIN" (short for Pinocchio, natch) is known to take a load off of his plastic feet and travel by wheelchair occasionally.

Now, fasten your seat belts, it's time for…

THE TOP TEN WHEELCHAIR MOVIES!!!!

10. MONKEYSHINES


For people who are not used to it, being in a wheelchair can really suck the big one, but as far as consolations go you can't beat lil monkey Ella, look at that face! She can dance, make breakfast, kill your mom and she'll even make out with you! You'd have to be bananas not to love her!

9. THE ATTIC

Some haters would say feigning the need for a wheelchair in order to make someone your own personal servant is diabolical. I say I just got a new role model!

8. THE CHANGELING

The always-unwelcome TRISH VAN DEVERE is once again chased out of someone's home with the threat of bodily harm. This time however it is by a possessed wheelchair that drives itself!! Take a hint TRISH and get lost!

7. SILVER BULLET

This hot rod inspired wheelchair makes that old timey busted up wicker model from the THE CHANGELING look even more like a piece of crap. Thanks Uncle Red, you're the best raging alcoholic we know!

6. THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE

Have you ever felt great sympathy for a person who is confined to a wheelchair? Meet Frank and say goodbye to those feelings forever. Here's a guy that will actually have you routing for a family of Texan cannibals… that's right we said Texan. With his non-stop whining and fussing, Franky boy may be the most unlikable portrayal of a handicapped person since that girl from DIFF'RENT STROKES who called everybody, "Turkey!"

5. NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: DREAM WARRIORS

A kid in a wheelchair dreams that he can walk again. It should be a time to celebrate except that America's favorite child molester Freddy Krueger is such a douche that he makes a super evil wheelchair to run the nerd down! Next, using the dream world rules, the kid turns himself into a fanciful wizard complete with the magical power to die in an embarrassing costume.

4. THE PIT

A hostage to kindness and the wheels beneath her, Mrs. Oliphant wrongly thinks Jamie Benjamin is going to do her a solid when he offers to push her chair. Instead he dumps her and her wheels into a pit of bloodthirsty Neanderthal monsters!

3. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE?

Every dining experience is drive-thru when you're stuck in a wheelchair. Too bad chef Baby Jane serves dead birds as appetizers and the main course is rat!

2. FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2

Finally a movie that depicts the reality that being in a wheelchair is the ultimate babe magnet. This poor guy was just about to get laid, but in true FRIDAY fashion he instead got a machete lodged in his face and propelled backwards down a flight of stairs during a lightning storm. Harsh I know, but that's what makes it the best kill ever!

1. MAC AND ME

The makers of this E.T. rip off did not have the dough to pull off a fantastic "flying your bicycle past a full moon with your alien buddy" scene, so they settled for the next best thing by shoving a dummy into a wheelchair and throwing it off a cliff. It's sorta similar if you ignore the whole opposite direction thing. What, your heart doesn't explode with the wonder of life and the beauty of friendship when you look at this image? What is wrong with you people?!