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Author: unkle lancifer
The Blob
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   Director CHUCK RUSSELL (A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: THE DREAM WARRIORS) juggles a multitude of various characters and story lines with ease. Our introductions to the residents of Arborville, a town that has seen better days, are short, sweet and effective. By the time THE BLOB gets rolling, the viewer is highly invested. High on the list of folks to cheer for is cheerleader Meg Penny (the worship-able SHAWNEE SMITH), her clean-cut date Paul Taylor (DONAVAN LEITCH) and sourpuss Snake Plisken-in-training Brian Flagg (KEVIN DILLON). Don't get too attached to football hero Paul, RUSSELL derives much electricity from the inevitable attraction of rogue outsider Brian and apple pie Meg.
  By this point our rebel without a comb Brian is learning just how updated the title creature has become. No longer an alien creature from outer space as in the original, this abomination is man made. The meteor the creature sprung from is actually more of a crashed satellite, complete with American flag insignia. He not only overhears that it is a germ warfare experiment that's gone out of control, but that his entire town is expendable in the eyes of the government. Suddenly he's not so different from all those people he's been so dead set on distancing himself from. He returns to the town to fetch the girl he once left behind and the community he abandoned.
- The whole buying a condom at Mr. Penny (ART LAFLUER)'s pharmacy bit is great and has a hilarious pay-off
- The BLOB's attack on the homeless guy and the resulting doctor's office invasion
- Scott (RICKY PAULL GOLDIN)'s parked car make out session ends in a squirming, head deflating, blobby mess
- I don't pretend to understand the logistics of the drainpipe scene, but I love it anyway
- CANDY CLARK(CAT'S EYE) meets her date the Sheriff in an unfortunate (for both of them) telephone booth crushing scene
- All scenes with lil' Kevin Penny and his Pal Eddie sneaking off to the slasher flick and the dialogue that ensues are hilarious. (Tough luck only one makes it out alive!) Favorite line: "I'm sorry, I'll never see a movie again!" or maybe it's this line from the in-movie flick GARDEN TOOL MASSACRE (upon seeing a hockey-masked man wielding a hedge trimmer) "Wait, Hockey season ended months ago!"
- Reverend Meeker (DEL CLOSE who was actually in BEWARE THE BLOB! aka SON OF BLOB) will be back! (God willing!)
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Kinder-news:: The Crying Boy Painting
The Funhouse
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Obviously death would never be the outcome for our Amy in THE FUNHOUSE. Instead she is awoken into the world that HOOPER has been rubbing our noses in ever since we arrived on the scene. Rather than spooking us with images of murder and mayhem, we have been treated to body mutation, both human and animal, and mounds of aging twisted flesh, the real horror of mortality and age. Happy clown faces, images of childhood crack, peal and mockingly laugh. This ride has been going on forever. Something wicked does indeed, this way come…Â
Poltergeist 3
This post is part of FINAL GIRL's
HEY, INTERNET, STOP BEING SUCH CYNICAL EFFING DOUCHEBAGS BLOG-A-THON!
In which participants:
"write about something in the world of film that fills you with complete and total unbridled fucking retarded JOY."
I'm not sure I know what this "joy" thing is, but I do know that you're supposed to say "mentally challenged" rather than "retarded" and "whoopee" instead of the "F" word! Wait a minute, that sounds kinda douchey, perhaps I missed the point of this whole thing! Actually I know exactly what my pal Final Girl, aka Stacie Ponder is talking about. You see, all us folks who write about movies sometimes we forget that we're supposed to sorta LIKE movies a little bit. It seems we're kinda busy trying to be know-it-alls all the time and that we forget what it's like to just enjoy the stuff. Anyone can sit back and judge and critique but you know what? It's super fucking hard to make a movie and it's not something any retard can do. Movies are amazing things and they can change the way you think about stuff and they can take you away from all your worries almost as well as alcohol can, but without that whole waking up in an alley with a missing shoe problem. We tend to fold our arms and say, "Show me!" to the screen rather than putting a little effort forth and trying to understand what the filmmakers were trying to do and that's OUR loss. I'm not saying that there aren't lousy movies out there, but let's be honest, there are way more lousy audience members.
So to quote one of my favorite lines from the unloved DEMI MOORE vehicle MORTAL THOUGHTS "Where is the joy?" Well for me the joy is in perfect moments in not so perfect movies like MORTAL THOUGHTS. Stacey's gauntlet toss had me thinking "Here is the perfect time to defend one of my favorite flicks that everyone hates!" Would it be CATHY'S CURSE or THE ATTIC? Honestly, both of those movies just seemed too big for me to tackle in my post Saint Patrick Day's haze.
Then it came to me, POLTERGEIST 3! How I love it! And not even because it's a freaky failure or because there's big hair and awful GOLDEN GIRLS style pastel clothes and truly shitty dialogue. I'm just amazed that it exists and I can watch it everyday. I think it's just weird as hell and strangely moving and there's a real yucky death vibe in there. It's just so damn DIFFERENT from everything else. I love that none of the effects were done in postproduction. I love the corny mirror tricks. I love director GARY SHERMAN(DEAD AND BURIED). I love NANCY ALLEN. Holy shit, I may even love the intolerable Scott (KIPLEY WENTZ)!
I love it so much more than I could ever love a "good" movie. Honestly, you really don't know what love is until you figure out how to love imperfection…I think Jesus told me that, pass it on. So there I was ready to write my review and I remembered THIS FANTASTIC POLTERGEIST 3 SITE! I thought I'd just check it out for last minute inspiration, but once there I said to myself, self I sez "HERE is the joy… This is joy in all its fucking retarded glory!"
Webmaster David Furtney who is well aware of P3's considerable faults is infatuated and madly in love with P3 to a degree that should be envied by filmgoers everywhere. Let me go one further, as a human being on this planet consider yourself lucky if ANYONE ever loves you with a fifth of the devotion that David does his P3. When I saw that he even linked to an online SPEAK n SPELL game I nearly choked back tears. My "Don't be a douchbag day" dreams had been answered!
I can't tell you that POLTERGEIST 3 is a good movie, but I can tell you what love is and if you don't recognize it when some one is pointing it out to you as plainly as I am here, then you my friend may be ever so slightly douchey. So rather than post a review, I suggest we all check out DAVID'S SITE, maybe it won't change your mind about POLTERGEIST 3, but I think it may remind you of a similar movie that you have in your collection; one that you may not be exactly proud of, but that you turn to now and again when you want to remember what joy is.
Still Of The Night
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- Roy has an Uncle Charlie ala SHADOW OF A DOUBT
- STREEP sits in as the prerequisite blonde ice queen and JESSICA TANDY (THE BIRDS) is present as well
- Dreams play a large role (SPELLBOUND) and there's also an auction (NORTH BY NORTHWEST)
- STREEP conveniently moves into an apartment behind her alleged prey allowing for voyeuristic REAR WINDOW camera play
- That first step is a doozy! (VERTIGO)
Disconcerting Doll Pageant
Ask yourself, which of these Ebay orphans is most likely to kill you in your sleep?
The Kindred
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- From the That's Gotta Suck! File: Being trapped down in Dr Lloyd's basement full of homicidal open sored puss-faced mutations
- Quiet drive is disturbed by watermelon exploding with creature and every orifice in driver's face being stuffed with tentacles
- Screaming cat-like monstrosity on the operating table
- Melissa (PAYS) violently shoves a fetus critter back in the jar
- John's ultimate showdown with brother Anthony!
Official Traumatot:: Billy Jacoby
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 Even if you don't know his name, you're sure to have seen BILLY JACOBY before. He appeared in nearly every other television show and movie produced during the eighties. Juggling multiple monikers throughout his career and now known as BILLY JAYNE, this OFFICIAL TRAUMATOT's genre resume may be the longest on record. Putting aside his most visible turn as the wise-cracking Buddy in the teen TOOTSIE-in-reverse masterpiece JUST ONE OF THE GUYS, his credits include BLOODY BIRTHDAY, HOSPITAL MASSACRE A.K.A. X-RAY (in which he was paired again alongside BLOODY BIRTHDAY costar ELIZABETH HOY), THE BEASTMASTER, the great SUPERSTITION, the classic CUJO, the amazing NIGHTMARES, the nearly unwatchable DEMONWARP and even the DAVID DeCOTEAU helmed JUDY LANDERS infected trashathon DR.ALIEN among others. It's high time we all salute the hardest working TRAUMATOT in the business!    Â
Bloody Birthday
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- Mid coital teens pulverized in open grave
- Dad cop Brody bludgeoned in the front yard
- Junk yard refrigerator trap
- Curtis tries to run down Joyce wearing ghostly guise
- The great ant poison birthday cake debacle
- BLOODY BIRTHDAY's ultimate trademark set piece JULIE BROWN gets arrow in the eye through makeshift bedroom closet glory hole