kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

MANITOU

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 This "review" is part of THE FINAL GIRL FILM CLUB! and this review is sung to the tune of XANADU by OLIVIA NEWTON JOHN! 

A Cyst that nobody dared to prick
Strasberg was really sick
She had the MANITOU

And now
Tony can clearly see
The Indian legend is real
They call it MANITOU

A million strobe lights flash
and what's that for…
a meteor?
an everlasting curse
It bursts through her eye
I don't know why

MANITOU, MANITOU
(it's not very clear)
It's MANITOU
(it's not very clear)
It's MANITOU

MANITOU your B-cast can not act
for you MANITOU!

The dwarf
he flies in the sky with no feet
he's someone you don't want to meet
starring in MANITOU

Mrs Herz
one part that didn't bore
she floated across the floor
right out of MANITOU

A million films are made
and this is one
it's kind of dumb
How do you describe a turd
using just one word?
have you not heard?

MANITOU, MANITOU
(that ice looks fake)
in MANITOU
(really a lizard suit?)
in MANITOU

Thank god it's done, GRAHAM MASTERSON
wrote MANITOU
Now that it's through, I want part 2
of MANITOU!

Ants

Posted on By unkle lancifer

For some reason ANTS, a.k.a. IT HAPPENED AT LAKEWOOD MANOR, a 1977 made for television movie, seemed to be broadcast every other evening throughout the '80s. A product of the nature-run-amuck cycle inspired by JAWS, ANTS, while short on thrills, is an entertaining diversion that resembles an episode of FANTASY ISLAND gone horribly wrong. Featuring stars on their way up (SUZANNE SUMMERS), down (MYRNA LOY), and nowhere (GALACTICA 1980 bound BARRY VAN DYKE), it's a perfect time capsule of its era. Icy-eyed construction worker ROBERT FOXWORTH (PROPHECY) while digging next to a fancy-schmancy hotel unearths a special chemical enhanced breed of ant whose bite is as poisonous as the script requires at any given time (If you're doubting Thomas STEVEN FRANKEN, the poisonous effects are instantaneous!). These killer insects have their own weird trippy electronic soundtrack to accompany them wherever they go and when their numbers are down, it appears something resembling coffee grounds can be used to stand in for them. The ants first mission is to attack the hotel where all the sun-kissed California blondes are residing. At some late point in the game we learn from a questionable scientist that these ants will not attack if you stay perfectly still (Tell that to the sleeping SUMMERS who is now pushing up daisies). This allows for an amazing scene that features LYNDA DAY GEORGE (PIECES) breathing heavily through a rolled up swatch of wallpaper while the six legged dickens crawl all over her face. As lame as it gets, it should be noted that there were many theatrical animal disaster flicks that are far less entertaining. Ultimately, any movie that features anything remotely resembling an L.D.G. FREAK-OUT deserves mucho attention!
indelible scenes

  • The little kid who falls into the ant infested dumpster
  • The ants make a b-line to a sleeping SUZANNE SUMMER's dirty pillows
  • The helicopter blows poisonous ants all over the crowd that has gathered to observe the rescue
  • The greedy guy (GERALD GORDON) freaks out and tries to make a third story jump into the pool and …ouch, misses!

Kinder-news:: Fanning banned from Traumatot Award!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 DAKOTA FANNING (pictured above, in the guise of fellow diva MARIE ANTOINETTE) once eligible for the coveted TRAUMATOT AWARD due to her age and penchant for roles that require heavy screaming and emotional breakdowns, has been banned from any such future victory due to rumors circling about her DISSING CANCER PATIENTS. Heavy campaigning from the Fanning camp has reportedly fallen on deaf ears. An anonymous Kindertrauma spokesperson advised that Miss Fanning and "others like her" observe PAST TRAUMATOT AWARD RECIPIENTS for examples on proper child star etiquette but refused to reveal if the ban in question would be life-long. Wether this decision could damage younger sibling ELLE FANNING's chance at glory has also yet to be determined.       

Kinder-news:: Elmo doll threatens child's life!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 Real life, in it's latest desperate attempt to be as interesting as a movie has produced a vaguely intriguing news item! Seems some poor kid's Elmo doll has gone and said exactly what every toy that has ever been made has been thinking for centuries: "I'm going to kill you". Well actually it said "Kill James!" but you get the picture. I mean, if you were named James you'd certainly be alarmed. BRAD DOURIF could not be reached for comment. Read the full story HERE and be sure to youtube "evil Elmo" to observe the sorry fact that speculation on Elmo's dark side has been brewing for some time!

The Brotherhood Of Satan

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

      After a picnic is called off due to a sudden shower, Ben Holden (CHARLES BATEMAN) his girlfriend Nikky (AHNA CAPRI) and his little girl K.T. (future phony Jan Brady GERI REISCHL) find themselves witness to a brutal car accident. They report the incident in a nearby town only to find the inhabitants of said town hostile and verging on insane. Once more, all attempts to flee the area are nixed by supernatural forces. Seems oldster Satanists have infiltrated the community and they need X amount of tots to complete a body switching ritual and lil K.T is primo material.Having watched this PG-rated 70's Satan flick years ago on VHS and being mostly unimpressed, I have to say the DVD presentation is another story altogether. Vibrant colors, bizarre camera angles and a generally unnerving atmosphere diluted by the pan and scan edition are here perfectly represented. The story structure is indeed off putting, but it adds to the general sense of confusion and non-reality that becomes a strong point for the film. Hallucinations, nightmare logic and loose ends swirl in a molten mixture of pure post-ROSEMARY'S BABY, Me-decade occult-infused surrealism. Don't expect answers and don't expect a victorious climax. BROTHERHOOD OF SATAN is more interested in slowly crawling up your spine than having you at the edge of your seat. I have probably used the adjective "creepy" on this site a thousand times, but after watching this nonsensical dance with the devil in its proper aspect ratio, I have a brand new appreciation for its meaning. What we have here is an under-appreciated classic that demands revaluation. indelible scenes

    • Toy tank is used to flatten car
    • The nutzo crying baby doll that shakes and kills
    • Nicky's crazy dream
    • The horseman statue that comes to life and causes a decapitation
    • The priest checks out some MONSTER BRAINS worthy satanic illustrations
    • STROTHER MARTIN (SSSSSS) blissfully bounces off the walls as the leader of the coven. The final scenes with the elderly standing next to the children that they will soon inhabit is as humorous as it is disturbing

                

    TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Christopher Youngblood on Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark

    Posted on By unkle lancifer

    As kids we always see things differently than we do as adults. I remember the film DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK a made for TV horror movie from the 70's starring KIM DARBY. This was a bit different than most made for television movies because this one was actually scary! Those little creature things SCARED the hell out of me when I was young and they were some smart little bastards as well! I have recently watched this movie again I will admit that it did not have quite the same effect on me as it did when I was a kid. Even still, the creatures (Which I have called Prune Heads for years) are still pretty damn creepy. This film is still the scariest "made for television" movie that I have ever seen.

    Christopher Youngblood is a regular contributor over at the always excellent RETRO SLASHERS!

    Official Traumatizer:: Director Juame Balaguero

    Posted on By unkle lancifer

     

    juame balaguardo fragile
    While the world has been busy being needlessly bludgeoned to death by J-horror's non stop barrage of evil appliance flicks (Yikes my VCR!, Eek my computer!, D'oh, my cellphone! et al.) not to mention America's brain-dead on arrival "torture porn" cycle, Spain and Mexico have been quietly producing the best horror films of the past decade. Filmmakers like GUILLERMO DEL TORO (THE DEVIL'S BACKBONE), ALEJANDRO AMENABAR (THESIS) MATEO GIL (NOBODY KNOWS ANYBODY) and JUAN ANTONIO BAYONA (THE ORPHANAGE) form an unofficial horror club whose existence recalls the early eighties horror boom in America. Of particular interest is Spanish Director JAUME BALAGUERO whose track record reveals an artist inspired by imagery and themes that can only be described as "Kindertraumatic." Let's take a look at the evidence thus far… 
    Juame Balaguardo the nameless
     THE NAMELESS (1999) A missing girl is found dead in a well, her body burned with acid and punctured with needles. Years later her still grieving mother receives a phone call from somebody claiming to be the child. Based on a novel by British Author RAMSEY CAMPBELL, THE NAMELESS is a disquieting puzzle whose solution concerns an almost unthinkable evil. 
    juame balaguardo darkness anna paquin
     DARKNESS (2002) A much maligned haunted house tale with satanic rites and child sacrifices at it's core. Visually arresting and subtly staged, there may be giant gaping holes in the script but what's on the screen is serenely haunting. 
    juame balaguardo fragile
     FRAGILE (2005) A hospital night nurse is horrified by excruciating supernatural attacks on children that result in broken bones. The kids inform her of a "mechanical girl" who is dead set on keeping the little ones immobile. It's as creepy and weird as its alarmingly tolerable star CALISTA FLOCKART. 
    juame balaguardo rec zombie [REC]
     [REC] (2007) Those who are not fans of BALAGUERO's restraint should be advised to be careful what they wish for. The gloves are officially off. Can you handle this in-your-face, no-holds-barred, unfettered howling rampage of a zombie film? Don't be so sure! 

    UPDATE: Read about JUAME BALAGUERO's contribution to the television series 6 FILMS TO KEEP YOU AWAKE HERE!           

    The Devil's Rain

    Posted on By unkle lancifer

     

    This movie sets a gloomy mood right off the bat. The opening credits linger over HEIERONYMOUS BOSCH's visions of hell while we listen to a loop of suffering screams and pleas from the damned. Then, rather than being introduced to our characters in happier times before the trouble starts, we're plopped right down into a dark, rainy night and it appears that the proverbial shit has already hit the fan. Mark Preston (WILLIAM SHATNER) and his Mom (IDA LUPINO) try to get the viewer up to speed by revealing that the patriarch of the household has gone missing and that Mom's been having psychic dreams foretelling this night for some time. Soon the missing Pop shows up, warns them about a cult and a book, and then promptly disintegrates into a hill of goo. If the film had kept this level of action up throughout it could have been a contender. Unfortunately, IDA and WILL are both abducted shortly thereafter, and we are introduced to yet another member of the family, brother Tom (TOM SKERRIT), who must carry the rest of the picture on his own comparatively boring shoulders. Looking like a spaghetti western observed through a stained glass window and directed by ROBERT FUEST who is responsible for the VINCENT PRICE DR.PHIBES films, THE DEVIL'S RAIN is all dressed up with nowhere to go. It lollygags, beats around the bush, and chases its tail until it's finally time to unveil its true reason for existence. Its piece de resistance is a still impressive, longer than ever could be necessary, special effects bonanza that turns most of its cast into slime mounds that look like dropped ice cream cones on a boardwalk. I'm still not sure if I understand the what, why and how that makes the Devil's rain work; I only know it is a downpour from the heavens that melts JOHN TRAVOLTA and that has too be a good thing. With such a promising opening and a definitely worthwhile conclusion, it's a shame the Oreo center is so slack. Still, there's always something strangely disturbing about a seventies Satanist flick and this is no exception. There's no denying there are dry spells but trust me, when it rains it scores.indelible scenes

    • Who can resist the cast? Besides the already mentioned SHATNER, LUPINO and SKERRIT you also get ERNEST BORGNINE as villain Corbis and my new hero EDDIE ALBERT!
    • That weird genie lamp thingamabob with all the damned inside
    • Sheriff KEENAN WYNN shows off his new peepers
    • A great unhappy final shot

    TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Gillig on Mantango (Attack Of The Mushroom People)

    Posted on By unkle lancifer

    Once, when visiting my friend Jim in Chicago, we wandered into this little second-floor memorabilia shop to look around (you know, one of those I'm-tired-of-collecting-this-shit-so-I'll-open-a-store-and-sell-it-to-some-other-loser type places). The place was full of books, comics, models and geeks, of course. Well, to both my joy and horror, I came upon something that dredged up childhood memories both happy and traumatic. When pointing out what I found to my friend Jim, the look of dread upon his face said it all. Finally, I felt validated for all the years of abhorrence that I'd suffered as a kid, someone else had been scarred. What did I find, you ask? Why, just a 16 inch model of one of the hapless shipwrecked members of the cast of MATANGO. Or, as it's commonly known in America, ATTACK OF THE MUSHROOM PEOPLE. MATANGO is a Toho release from 1963 that lived for awhile in the Saturday afternoon matinee/late night chiller TV slot before disappearing completely sometime in the 80's. This is truly a shame because, after finally getting to see it again with the DVD release, this movie holds up as one of the creepiest and subversive things to ever come out of Japan.Directed by ISHIRO HONDA of GODZILLA fame, everything about this movie holds up 40+ years later.

    This movie is the reason I couldn't eat mushrooms for at least 10 years. Only when I reached adulthood (mentally) could I separate fact from fiction and approach our fungal friends again. Still…the movie never fails to come to mind whenever I do eat them.