Author: unkle lancifer

Like all American kids of my generation (and beyond), I was deeply traumatized by the ending of OLD YELLER–however, it was another "heartwarming family movie" that really messed my shit up, also involving dogs: WHERE THE RED FERN GROWS. Of course the deaths of the dogs are sad, and the titular plant on the graves will bring a tear to all but the most emotionless eye. But it was the death of Rubin Pritchard, the villainous neighbor boy, that really did it to me. For those that don't remember, Rubin sicks his dog Old Blue on Billy Coleman's beloved dogs, hoping to take out the coon-hunting competition. When Old Blue isn't up to the task, Rubin goes to finish the job himself with an ax, but is tripped up in the scuffle and falls on the axe blade, mortally wounding himself.

Now Rubin was the same age as Billy, which was about the same age as I was at the time–and I had never really credited the idea that a kid my age could die. Even though Rubin was the bad guy, it was inconceivable to me that he would really just DIE. Even worse, the movie gives Pritchard a lengthy death scene, complete with whispered last words about fear of dying, and the tell-tale trail of blood from his gaping mouth. At least, that's how I remember it. It was chilling, especially to an impressionable young lad like I was.

Ah, the good old days of television. Nothing says "heartwarming family entertainment" like being forced to confront the fact of your own grim mortality at a tender age, no? Obviously it made me what I am today."

Thanks Vicar, if WHERE THE RED FERN GROWS made you what you are today, we're grateful. Otherwise we wouldn't have a cool site like your MAD MAD MAD MAD MOVIES to visit!

Like most children of the 80s, MTV was the center of my world. My parents couldn't stand the channel so, of course, it became even that much more important thanks to my burgeoning rebellious streak. One of the videos that hit heavy rotation in 1985 was Mike + The Mechanics' "Silent Running," and it was pretty terrifying to my 9 year old self. I remember watching it once all the way through but after that I just couldn't face the dang thing again. Even worse, the video would show up on USA Network's "Night Flight" and haunt me again and again in the wee hours.

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My nephew was born when I was 13 and my niece was born when I was 15, so it was my job to baby-sit them as a teenager. Well, like most teenagers in the 80's I enjoyed watching videos of my favorite artists. In my case, it meant watching many Billy Joel and Duran Duran videos. This brings us to my first case of trauma with my nephew, who was about 3 at the time; I was watching my VHS of Duran Duran's videos and "The Wild Boys" came on. He loved the music because he had listened to it constantly, but I guess he had never paid attention to the video itself. The part where SIMON LE BON falls from the windmill into the water where a weird creature attempts to kill him sent my nephew screaming from the room. He was unable to watch that video for years to come. Next, the second case of trauma with my niece, I had BILLY JOEL's greatest hits on VHS, which we enjoyed watching. In this situation I didn't find out until years later that the video bothered her, she was more subtle than her older brother. She confided in me later on that the video for "Pressure" was traumatizing. The scene where BILLY JOEL is sucked down into the carpet was particularly disturbing for her. It is funny that they both still like Billy Joel and Duran Duran. I even took them to see them both in concert. I guess that is why I am still known as their "Cool Aunt" instead of the aunt that inadvertently traumatized them with music videos.

 

The first two OMEN movies scared the hell out of me when I was a kid and they always seemed to be on T.V. Something about those demonic chants that would come before an approaching death got to me. Were they singing "Long live Damien"? The scariest part, I think, was in the second film when that guy fell into the ice. Just knowing that he could see safety through the ice but not reach it freaked me. All the people running around unable to do anything but watch him float away, and he could SEE them! What an awful way to go!! 

Yes Virginia, there is a danger to be found on frozen lakes! And as we once did with scarf safety, we're going to take the opportunity you just provided us to speak of ice safety. Usually ice safety is a subject for spring, but with this whole global warming thing going on, now is as good a time as any. We don't want any of our beloved readers to suffer the same fate as that guy in DAMIEN OMEN 2! Let's look at some other fine films that address that logical fear! 

Google research also reveals similar ice calamities in cute doggy flicks (EIGHT BELOW), crap-fests that shoplifters have to star in for penance (MR.DEEDS), and the always educational daytime sudser PASSIONS.

So listen up kids, if you're going to learn anything in life, it certainly won't be at school. It will be at the movies, and all movies agree STAY OFF THE ICE!