kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

John Carpenter's Village of the Damned

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

John Carpenter Village of the damned
If you're going to do a remake of a sci-fi/horror classic you couldn't find a better man for the job than JOHN CARPENTER. CARPENTER's THE THING is arguably the best remake of all time and the go to answer when questioning whether "reimaginings" should even exists. But let's face it, even God himself has his off days and although J.C.'s VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED has a few good moments, it's certainly a far cry from the master's best work. The set up works great and fans will immediately recognize and feel at home with the same gorgeous coastal surroundings he took advantage of in THE FOG. As in that film, we are introduced to a large group of interlapping characters that are about to be confronted with an outside force whose intentions are at first shrouded in mystery. Much like his approach to THE THING, Carpenter returns to the original story the film was based on (in this case, JOHN WYNDHAM's THE MIDWICH CUCKOOS) for inspiration whenever he can. A priest character deemed too sacrilegious to appear in the 1960 telling is finally represented here. He even makes attempts to conquer the first film's major criticism of shirking the female perspective on events all to no avail. Sadly, as soon as the first badly wigged baby appears, all these good intentions go up in smoke. This film hinges on the creep factor provided by the children, but rather than deliver chills these kids deliver guffaws. It's not simply because the iconic white hair does not translate well to color film, it becomes exceedingly clear that without the commanding power of a child actor like the original's MARTIN STEPHENS the whole house of cards crumbles. It doesn't help that the film jumps about franticly, never allowing the more interesting elements to congeal and instead routinely lingers on the inconsequential, or that the adult cast with the possible exception of the suspiciously BARBEAU-esgue MERIDITH SALINGER fade into the woodwork. There are still plenty of CARPENTER hallmarks about to keep you from completely losing interest, from his usual full use of the widescreen to the out of date yet still effective musical cues. If this was any other director, I would probably devour this movie's constant camp insanity but considering the potential of the material and the genius behind the wheel, this interesting failure's dull glow truly disappoints.
indelible scenes
 

  • STREETS OF FIRE fans beware MICHAEL PARE's screen time here is shorter than a FIRE INC. song!
  • Man falls asleep on open grill
  • CHRISTOPER REEVE (in his last role before his accident) and David (THOMAS DEKKER) chat in the cemetery under rolling clouds. Where's the rest of THIS movie?
  • Jedi mind tricks force MARK HAMILL to blow his brains out!
  • Rather than drive into a brick wall as in the original, hapless PETER JASON hits a poorly placed fuel tank DUKES OF HAZZARD style!

 

TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Reader Jeff M. on Clash of the Titans

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Dirty gorgon porn! Shame on you jeff!

Medusa in CLASH OF THE TITANS slithered her way into my brain and stayed there. It was not that she was so scary to look at; it was the fact that if you looked at her you turned to stone…and she was topless! In my pathetic, adolescent teenage boy mind I was convinced that if I ever found myself in the same situation as Perseus that I would NOT be able to resist looking. Stupid I know, but sort of like a person who's afraid of heights because they secretly fear they might jump. For some reason this imagined weakness on my part kept me up at night. I'm married now and the female anatomy holds slightly less mystery. In fact, my wife forced me to send this in. She makes fun of me about it every chance she gets.

Jeff, Tell your wife to stop poking fun! That Gorgon was a veritable vixen! In fact, thanks to our local library's supply of back issues of CELEBRITY SLUETH magazine, We uncovered THIS X-RATED IMAGE from her forgotten early modeling career. Don't show it to wifey!

The Legend of Boggy Creek

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 Based on so-called actual events and starring real witnesses in reenactments, THE LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK may be the first faux-documentary horror film ever conceived. With all the polish of a high school science ed film, it spins the tale of a town called Fouke terrorized by a hairy Big Foot-type monster. Big Foot or "Sasquatch" carries little weight in the national psyche these days, but once upon a time he was the physical embodiment of the wilderness's last stand against mankind's complete appropriation of nature. The movie itself is a relic and time capsule showcasing a world that no longer exists both within the film (the technology free town) and without (the film's identity as drive-in fare). Many scenes are laughable by today's standards, thanks to sub-par acting and the obvious limitations of an ape suit, but L.O.B.C. still has its own quiet power. This is campfire story material and the viewer certainly has to be in the right mood to be effected by its vague G-rated violence. The sad fact is with psychopaths, viruses and terrorism lurking about in the real world, it may be difficult for modern audiences to empathize with the fear of the wild. Whatever is coming to get us, we can pretty much assume it's not coming from the woods (in fact, at this point nature certainly has more to fear from us). At the end of the film the narrator returns to the location of his early childhood fears. He surprises himself by actually longing to hear the howl that once terrified him, "Just to be a reminder that there is still a wilderness left." Sadly, I'd venture that there's probably a Starbucks in that space today. L.O.B.C. can still be a lot of fun and its influence is ever reaching (BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, CLOVERFIELD), but it's hard to be truly scared of a monster you mostly feel sorry for. That being said, I'm happy to report that in 1997 there were over 40 sightings of the Fouke Monster, maybe there's still a little kick in the old boy after all. Take that Starbucks! 
 

  • Fouke-face is so frickin' scary that a cat has a heart attack when it sees him!
  • Nancy's "Bunking Party" is attacked!
  • Any and all musical interludes, specifically "Hey Travis Crabtree!"
  • The furry hand through the window trick!
  • Fouke-head attacks a guy sitting on the toilet!

Lemora: A Child's Tale of the Supernatural

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

Lila Lee (the late, great Venus of the drive-in CHERYL "RAINBEAUX" SMITH) is as pure as the driven snow. In spite of, or perhaps because of, her estranged father's gangster reputation, she is revered as a living angel by the church congregation she sings for. One day she receives a mysterious letter inviting her to come to the town of Astaroth. Her father is said to be ill and longing for her forgiveness. Sneaking away from her obviously smitten Reverend guardian (Director RICHARD BLACKBURN), she stows away in the back of a car and begins a journey that threatens the corruption of her body and soul at every turn. The letter was in fact a rouse designed by Lemora (LESLIE GILB), a powerful Vampiric woman who, like most others who encounter Lila, is bent on possessing her. Archetypal creatures; Beast men, grizzled hags and eerie giggling munchkins abound in this shoe-string budgeted, Southern gothic fairy tale obsessed with the destruction of innocence. With its indigo blacks and exuberant jolts of color LEMORA resembles a children's minimalist stage play production when it's not echoing masterworks like NIGHT OF THE HUNTER and even the forthcoming SUSPIRIA. It's occasional amateurishness may prevent some viewers from becoming completely engaged, but if you give in to its lyrical logic, it's a hauntingly singular experience. This PG-rated oddity centering on the sexualization of a 13-year-old is certainly one of the most unusual vampire films ever made. (CHERYL SMITH's real life submission to the Dionysian path through heroin addiction adds yet another layer to the already fraught with allegory film.) Ignored and even rallied against upon its release, LEMORA has sown a reputation and a feverish fan base over the decades. At once childish and yet alarmingly sophisticated, this is one quietly effective mood piece that may might not scare you senseless but might just invade your dreams. 
indelible scenes
 

  • That scary candy offering ticket salesman
  • The beast creatures attack the bus
  • That witch lady's creepy song
  • Lemora gives Lila a bath
  • Lila reunited with pops
  • Lila is reunited with the Rev

 

  

Ten Great Horror Romances

Posted on By unkle lancifer

February is the month of love, so what better time to take off our kiddie beanies and present you with our ten favorite horror romances. Let us know in the comments section if we missed yours!

JAWS shark revenge hoagie love
10. JAWS: THE REVENGE The death of sheriff Brody (ROY SCHEIDER) left a pretty big hole in the heart of his wife Ellen (LORRAINE GARY). A hole so big, only a guy named Hoagie (MICHAEL CAINE) could fill it. With his cupid-esque curly locks, irresistible British accent and willingness to partake in a spontaneous jig during a street festival, he's every widow's dream come true. Mrs. Brody is indeed in love again… and this time it's personal!
Jodie Foster Scott Jacoby hamster abuse
9. THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE Young love, how sweet it is! Many have gone to outrageous lengths to win the attention of the wily Miss FOSTER (insert presidential assassination joke here), yet few have succeeded. It would take the greatest guy ever right? Enter Mario (BAD RONALD himself SCOTT JACOBY). He is a master of disguise, a deft magician and he carries a hidden sword in his cane. Did we mention he has a sexy limp? If that wasn't enough, he's open to helping you dispose of all the dead bodies you got lying around. Good catch JODIE! He's a keeper!
witchboard gay love ouija Tawney Kitaen
8. WITCHBOARD You don't need a Ouija board to spell this out for you; long before BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN (R.I.P. H.L.!) Jim Morar (TODD ALLEN) and  Brandon Sinclair (STEPHEN NICHOLS) apparently got on a first name basis with the love that dare not speak it's name. Based solely on conjecture it appears, TAWNEY KITAEN can dress in male drag till the cows come home; these dudes only have eyes for each other. I'd say, "Get a room!" but they already did.
lesbian vampire lakme sarandon bowie deneuve
7. THE HUNGER Speaking of the gays, CATHERINE DENEUVE may have promised forever love to DAVID BOWIE but looky here to what's going down to the tune of LAKME! Sisters ARE doing it for themselves! This is some real classy stuff, especially when you consider all this snogging was spurred by SUSAN SARANDON's older than the Bible "Oops… I spilt wine on my Beefy-T" come-on!
sexy werewolf bites Jenny Agutter
6. AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON David Kessler (DAVID NAUGHTON) and nurse Alex Price (can you stand it? T-H-E JENNY AGUTTER) may have just met, but if this ain't the real thing, I don't want the real thing, I'll have this instead. The shower scene alone is enough to get these two into the hall of fame. By film's end, even though they have that whole he's deceased thing between them, you can tell when Jenny looks into that furry dead werewolf 's eyes that she got some primo diary material out of the deal.
my bloody valentine candy three way
5. MY BLOODY VALENTINE What list would be complete with out this blood-soaked valentine to the horror of love triangles? T.J. Hannigan (PAUL KELMAN), after an unsuccessful attempt to move on to bigger and better things, returns home to the dead end town of Valentine's Bluff to find his girlfriend Sarah (LORI HALLIER) knocking boots with his buddy Axel (NEIL AFFLECK). Who will win her? Let's just say one of them wants her heart a little more (literally) than the other!
brundle fly maggot baby geena davis
4. THE FLY In every relationship there is a time when you must ask yourself, "How much slime can I put up with be before I'm out the door?" GEENA DAVIS seems to be gearing up for the long run. This is especially commendable when you consider how dampening the random loss of body parts might be on your sex life. Too bad boyfriend Seth Brundle (then real-life beau JEFF GOLDBLUM) is married to his work! What a shame, they were so close to a life of picket fences, Tupperware and 2.5 maggots!
chucky's in love tiffany tilly
3. BRIDE OF CHUCKY A slasher icon with a girlfriend? Who woulda thunk there would be time between slayings? It helps that Tiffany (JENNIFER TILLY) has the same interests as Chuck (BRAD DOURIF), not to mention the same plastic dilemma. These two dolls may not always get along, but when they're on the same page they're unstoppable. Take notes.
candyman tony todd bees virginia madsenn
2. CANDYMAN What is so romantic about TONY TODD and VIRGINA MADSEN's relationship? If you have to ask you either: A) Never saw this movie or B) Don't know what love is. This is the real deal folks, it's timeless and it knows no boundaries. And we say this kinda love is worth finding… no matter how many bees sting you.
king kong eats fay wray on world's biggest phallic symbol
1. KING KONG! Here he is the Grand Daddy of the woo. He had everything working against him; he was a stranger in a strange land, he was a different species altogether and he was ten times her size. But K.K. was also consistent, he never wavered, and he never gave up. How could FAY RAY help but fall? Maybe it was beauty who killed the beast, but is there any better way to go?      

The Best Thing EVER?

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 
Chocolate and peanut butter, ARGENTO and A'HA… DONALD PLEASENCE and monkeys… some great tastes are even better together as this video clearly illustrates. Is it bat-shit crazy or simply the most brilliant thing ever created? You be the judge! 

The Curse

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 THE CURSE is one strange little movie. Directed by American actor DAVID KEITH (FIRESTARTER) and produced by Italian gore Maestro LUCIO FULCI, this spaghetti-garnished hot dog, though sometimes heartburn inducing, is at least original in flavor. Slime oozing to the strums of a banjo being picked?…irresistible! WILL WEATON is Zack, a kid that's learning that mixed families don't always mean A VERY BRADY CHRISTMAS. He, along with kid sis Alice (real life sibling AMY WHEATON) are suffering through mom's decision to wed a religious fanatic (CLAUDE AKINS) who comes complete with a fat bully son (CHRISTINE's MALCOLM DANARE). One night, while mom is satisfying an itch step Dad won't scratch with a hairy handyman, a meteor crashes. This giant glowing ball spews fluorescent junk across their farm and contaminates the water supply. Soon a bounty of giant veggies is produced and it seems like a gift from God. Unfortunately when any of the harvest is bitten into or sliced, maggots and slime pour out. Suddenly God's gift looks more like a booby prize for mom's indiscretions. Speaking of mom, she's not looking so hot, giant horn-like zits are beginning to appear on her face and she's acting kinda crazy. Did she really just sew her hand into the sock she was mending? Like most crazy people, mom is quickly hid away from company but soon step Dad and his mean son start to look peeked as well. (WILL and sis were smart enough to go off the farm's crop as soon as the animals started acting wonky). As we get further along towards the climax, things get less and less heartland Americana and more and more blood soaked FULCI-cana. Mom literally ends up looking like a pile of shit and the scary step family gets all pig faced and starts brandishing pitchforks. At the eleventh hour Duke boy JOHN SCHNEIDER, a bespeckled water inspector, lends a helping hand, but by this point we've already seen the house change from real to a miniature model which can only mean one thing… kablooey! Based on THE COLOUR OUT OF SPACE by H.P. LOVECRAFT and filtered through a FULCI-funnel, KEITH's kooky salute to flesh nausea makes up for its weaknesses with sheer good old fashion weirdness.indelible scenes

  • Mom gets a gross puss squirt in the eye from a tomato
  • Alice is attacked by chickens
  • Mom "connecting the dots" on her step son's injured buttocks 
  • The aforementioned sock mending scene…
  • Cow explosion!
  • Looking like an ENERGY HOG Cyrus (DANARE) attacks Alice in her bedroom

 

     

The Bloodening

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

the simpsons the bloodening wild barts can't be broken
 

    Since THE SIMPSONS MOVIE has proven to be a worldwide success there's only one next logical step. A full-length animated feature of THE BLOODENING is in order. The VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED parody seen in the tenth season's eleventh episode WILD BARTS CAN'T BE BROKEN left us craving more, much MORE. So get on it SIMPSONS animators, we want more of the little blighters. We won't sleep until we get the full story behind the Doctor and the bootblack rogering the fishwife in the crumpet shop!  

    Kingdom of the Spiders

    Posted on By unkle lancifer

    killer spiders william shatner tarantula web
    Super studly swinger WILLIAM SHATNER is a veterinarian assigned to the case of a murdered cow. TIFFANY BOLLING is a woman's libber and an entomologist who's pegged a bunch of creepy crawly tarantulas as the culprits behind the heifer's demise. Even though she has her hands full thwarting Bill's numerous heavy-handed advances, she easily determines the usual loner spiders have gone berserk and teamed up. These tarantulas are so crazy, they've somehow gained the power to produce webs and now live in giant "spider hills," an idea they obviously stole from ants. This would all be pretty exciting news for scientists everywhere except that the spiders want to eat people and there's a big town fair approaching that promises to be a smörgÃ¥sbord for the furry fellows. Eventually most of our favorite characters that are not dead wind up in a lodge where they have to fend off the hirsute hooligans with fire extinguishers and boiling soup. (About half the spiders are played by real tarantulas and the other half are clearly rubbery stand-ins). I don't have to tell you about SHATNER's performance (SHAT-TASTIC!) but who is this TIFFANY BOLLING and why is she so brave when forced to handle spiders at every turn? Seems a year earlier the clever minx played SPIDER LADY on ELECTRO WOMAN AND DYNA GIRL! That spider wrangling gig must have made her a shoe in for the part of the brilliant and brave Diane Ashley! And while we're at it, who is that familiar moppet playing the SHAT-ATTACK's niece who he keeps throwing around like a bag of potatoes and whose screams were obviously dubbed in later by an adult? Why it's little NATASHA RYAN, who the year earlier was busy being psychologically tortured in the SALLY FIELD television TRAUMA-THON SYBIL! Viewers who take this movie even remotely seriously deserve the hell their lives must be. This is trash of the highest order and it's all big fun right up to its mind bogglingly fake-looking final frame. A late night television mainstay of the late '70s and early '80s, KINGDOM is required viewing for arachnophobes and SHAT-APHILES. I for one, learned two important things: #1. Airplanes and spiders not only don't mix, but result in girly screams from the pilot. #2. If there is a spider crawling on your hand, don't try to shoot it off with a gun…indelible scenes

    • Numerous spider POV shots abound from the opening attack on a cow (that ends in a freeze frame of it's startled eye) to the stalking of NATASHA at a picnic
    • The attack at the fair is one of the most hilariously chaotic and jaw-droppingly bizarre things ever filmed. All of the extras deserve kudos for their nutso performances
    • SHATNER must venture into the lodge basement to fix the fuse that the sneaky spiders sabotaged. His dramatic crawl back up the stairs covered with the eight-legged villains is a thing of beauty

    Village of the Damned

    Posted on By unkle lancifer

    One day all of the citizenry of the super sleepy town of Midwich passed out dead in their tracks and took to an involuntary siesta. After awakening, all the women within child bearing years discovered a mysterious bun in their ovens. (The unmarried had some 'splaining to do). Falling asleep and waking up pregnant can be disheartening (just ask my cousin Ida), but the ladies of Midwich take their mass rape with typical English aplomb. When the children are born, it is clear that they are far from normal; in fact, they're blonde AND smart, a chillingly unnatural combination. As they get older, they begin to show further signs of otherworldliness, roaming the streets in flocks like junior Jehovah's witnesses. Residents begin to fear these Aryan-looking oddballs who begin to unabashedly strut their psychic and telekinetic powers all about town. This unrest and distrust is worsened when it's learned that if the creepy kids have a problem with you, they force you to drive your car into a wall or blow your brains out. In fact, it is suspected that Midwich is just a stepping-stone and what the kids really have their radiant eyes on is the whole globe. Are they from outer space? Can they be stopped? Based on a novel by the great JOHN WYNDHAM entitled THE MIDWICH CUCKOOS (on account of Cuckoo birds are such slackers that they make other birds raise their kids) and featuring excellent performances from future INNOCENTS star MARTIN STEPHENS and future suicide GEORGE SANDERS, VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED is creepy, compelling and surprisingly thought provoking. In fact, it's impossible to think of any demonic child movie that doesn't have this 1960 sci-fi "What if?" flick's greasy paw prints all over it. Like INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS before it, it's the absence of humanity and emotion, not to mention individuality (Commie!) that unnerves here. Although there's no over estimating the power of super-imposed, glowing eyeballs over a still framed black and white image of a cherubic child either.
    indelible scenes

    • Plane flies over slumbering Midwich, pilot nods off and plane goes boom!
    • Mom with psychic assistance, attempts to scald own hand after accidentally presenting infant with a too hot baby bottle
    • A HELLRAISER like Chinese puzzle box reveal the kids communal learning skills
    • SANDER's imagining of a brick wall to block off munchkin's Jedi mind tricks.
    • Miniature house explodes into flames