kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

Kinderguest Peter of HorrorsNotDead.com

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Of all horror films, GHOULIES II had the biggest impact on my life. This is not a point of contention, this is literal. The world is round, GHOULIES II scared me shitless. When I was 7 or 8, the babysitter let us watch the schlocky sequel that features a sequence of a man getting his cheeks chomped off by a bald ghoulie hiding in the toilet bowl. Of course, when you're 7 years old, nothing is schlocky.

I was fucking terrified. My cheeks did not touch a toilet bowl for months.

Fact: DEAD MAN WALKING was inspired by my fate every time I made that journey to the bathroom. Every time I entered that porcelain closet of terror I knew, knew with more certainty than any supercomputers can muster, that a hideous, bald child of Lucifer was going to enjoy the flesh of my rump. Not only that, but it turned me off of horror for years. I would not touch the genre. I would not even be on the same floor in a house playing a horror movie. I am now 22 years old and read Fangoria while I take a dump.

Cute how the wheel of Kah turns.

Thanks Peter, I think you just singlehandedly justified the existence of this site with that TRAUMAFESSION! Where else can you read a tale like that folks? Well, for starters you might try HORRORS NOT DEAD The recently engaged (congrats!) Peter's regular stomping ground. If it's a unique take on the genre you're looking for, look no further!

Cellar Dweller

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

JEFFREY COMBS (don't get too excited he's only in the prologue) is Colin Childress, a comic book illustrator responsible for an EC-like series entitled CELLAR DWELLER. Unwisely, he decides to crib some text from some ancient old necronomicon-y type book he has lying around and POOF! A giant monster appears and kills him and some anonymous lady to boot. Thirty years later, loyal fan Whitney (DEBRAH FARENTINO) shows up at his previous home that is now an exclusive (there's four students) artist colony. She unearths the work he left behind and consequently conjures the beast from hell as well, who wastes no time laying waste to the entire group. What's fun here is Whitney's ability to alter events with her artwork; making a banana peel appear by drawing it, just in time for rival Lisa (a post-DYNASTY PAMELA BELLWOOD) to slip on it, thus sealing her fate, etc. Sadly this idea is not exploited further as it could have injected a lot more life into the movie. (It kinda reminded me of the rewindy remote control utilized in FUNNY GAMES, if not my favorite A-HA video.) There are many more missed opportunities to be found here, but none are so bad as to outweigh the presence of YVONNE DE CARLO (AMERICAN GOTHIC) who I'd pay to see tie her shoe. The real problem besides just how stagnant the proceedings are, is that the title monster is the cutest thing I've ever laid my eyes on, and pentagram-embedded chest or not, I just wanted to fix him a sandwich and knit him a scarf. Written by CHILD'S PLAY scribe DON MANCINI and directed by (not to mention special effects by) FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 7: THE NEW BLOOD's  JOHN CARL BUECHLER, CELLAR DWELLER may not always work, but there's never any mistake that creative minds are at play.  indelible scenes INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • Whitney's not-so-great comic book art
  • Philip's (future NORBIT director and HEAD OF THE CLASS alum BRIAN ROBBINS) not-so-great abstract art
  • Amanda's (MIRANDA WILSON) not-so-great performance art
  • Norman's (BEN CASEY star and Noir legend VINCE EDWARDS) not-so-great desire to act out scenes from his forthcoming detective novel by shooting at vases and pointing a gun at a woman's head
  • Lisa's pretty great death by banana peel
  • Norman's very great decapitation

Ghostwatch

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

On October 31st, 1992 while American kiddies where storming suburban streets demanding their fair share of LEMONHEADS and MARY JANES, across the pond in the motherland little nippers were being funnel fed the fear of God thanks to a BBC broadcast that left some scrambling for psychiatric aid. GHOSTWATCH was a faux-reality specter hunt starring familiar television faces that, like ORSON WELLES' famous WAR OF THE WORLDS radio broadcast, blurred the line between reality and entertainment as it blurred the line between this world and the next. Viewers were brought along to observe the goings on in the household of one Pam Early who, along with her two young daughters, was experiencing poltergeist activity. Instead of the usual non-events that one would assume would take place on such a show, many were shocked to find themselves witness to extraordinary happenings. The presence in the house nicknamed "Pipes" by the girls, because of his penchant for banging on pipes, was cleverly inserted in various scenes where observant viewers might catch him for a fleeting second. Things go from creepy to alarming as it is discovered that the broadcast is working as a giant séance and effecting households all over England. Finally, even the studio that is hosting the show begins to experience the phenomena. Even knowing of the show's inauthenticity is small comfort for much like THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, it's the slow progressive mounting dread and the systematic worsening of circumstances that really gets under the skin. Having decided not to break the illusion of reality with breaks explaining the show's identity as simulation, police were flooded with panicked phone calls and some viewers were rumored to have committed suicide. At least two children were diagnosed or treated with post-traumatic stress disorder and the hoopla lead to a national ten-year ban. Contemporary cynical audiences may find all this hard to swallow but dozens of factors lead to the lightening strike of GHOSTWATCH that Halloween night. Sadly, I was in the States gorging myself with MALLOW CUPS and NECCO WAFERS.

 INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • Pipes by the bedroom curtain. (All of pipes' nearly subliminal appearances can be viewed HERE )
  • Playing the audio tape of Pipes' voice
  • Daughter Suzanne possessed by Pipes
  • Reporter SARAH GREENE trapped in the "Glory Hole" while the cats howl and the transmission fails.
  • Stalwart host MICHAEL PARKINSON succumbs to Pipes' will

Official Traumatot :: Michael Stephenson

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

MICHAEL STEPHENSON starred in two films for Italian director CLAUDIO FRAGASSO. The first was the little seen BEYOND DARKNESS (LA CASA 5) and the second was TROLL 2, an in-name only sequel widely regarded as one of the worst films ever made. Is TROLL 2 really that bad? Yes, it is, but it's also strangely lovable, endlessly entertaining and probably ten times funnier than anything intentionally so. Fans are rabid and legion; most can recite the film verbatim. There might be better child actors out there, but certainly none of them have ever been required to swallow the spoonful of insanity that poor STEPHENSON had to, and for that he deserves, if not our praise than at least our pity. The great news is that MICHAEL is currently working on a documentary about his experiences and the phenomenon that followed. If it turns out anything like the trailer, we're in for a (green) treat! If you'd like to keep up to date on all things TROLL2, stop by BESTWORSTMOVIE, the official TROLL 2 fansite!  

TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Todd G. on JAWS

Posted on By unkle lancifer

The first time I can remember ever being scared was seeing JAWS at a drive-in theater in a packed station-wagon. I remember hiding behind the seat closing my eyes and all us kids screaming whenever the shark jumped out. I remember one part where they're under the water beneath a boat and and all the sudden a dead guy's face appears in a hole. That stayed with me more than the shark, at the time it was really sick! On the ride home we all pretended the station-wagon was a boat and we were being chased by JAWS.

Official Traumatizer :: Louise Fletcher

Posted on By unkle lancifer

It's a rare remake that can improve upon the original, and TOBE HOOPER's 1986 retelling of INVADERS FROM MARS was widely panned for missing the mark upon its release. On cable and via videotape, it eventually reached its target audience, kids unaware of the original who found a unique motion picture largely told from their point of view. One of the additions that left a lasting impression was the character of Mrs. McKeltch, played by LOUISE FLETCHER, an already formidable school teacher whose threatening demeanor is magnified after she becomes host to one of the evil aliens that are replacing the townsfolk. Most parents were well aware that FLETCHER could play scary in her sleep after her Oscar winning performance in ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST, but the kiddie set were startled to find their every classroom fear personified on screen. The scene where young David Gardner (HUNTER CARSON) stumbles upon the malicious schoolmarm dining on a frog behind the science class was particularly unsettling for Kermit loving kiddies, and burned a lasting mark into many of their minds. So, here's to you FLETCHER for hitting a nerve in all of us who ever had to stay after class. You revealed a truth that many of us had already suspected; much like the aliens from the miniseries V, the administrators at our schools where covertly munching on defenseless smaller animals while our collective backs were turned!

Ghosthouse

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

Although the ever-popular traumatizer POLTERGEIST CLOWN DOLL never reappeared in the subsequent POLTERGEIST sequels (one assumes he was destroyed with the house…weep!), a reasonable facsimile (direct rip-off) does wreak havoc in the Boston-shot, Italian-produced lesser spook ride GHOSTHOUSE. Along with a creepy unsympathetic ghost girl, this clown doll maliciously murders all who stray into his home in this schlock-athon directed by CANNIBAL kingpin UMBERTO LENZI. GREG SCOTT stars as ham radio enthusiast Paul who stumbles across a broadcast of several people screaming in horror while fiddling with his dials. He follows the signal to a house where several squatters have taken up residence. Recognizing the voices as their own, the rag tag team of camping buds stand in line to be systematically slaughtered by the polter-tyke and her terrible toy. Deliciously gory, yet routinely moronic, you'll only hurt your brain trying to make sense of the characters behaviors and the elusive storyline. More like a brainstorm of unconnected horror ideas spit across the screen, when it works you'll be on the edge of your seat cheering, and when it fails you'll be on the edge of your pillow napping. Sure it's a mangled incoherent mess and five hours too long, but really who among us is strong enough to resist the pull of a killer clown doll movie? They're just too few and too far between to quibble about such non-necessities as competent, rational storytelling. 

   INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • Whenever the ghost girl and her evil clown dolly appear, they are accompanied by what is referred to in the movie as a nursery rhyme like song. In fact, it sounds neither like a song nor a rhyme, and more closely resembles a robotic voiced child in the back of a car asking over and over again, "Are we here? Are we there yet?"
  • Someone please explain Pepe the hitchhiker to me.
  • Not scared of kids and dolls? The handyman is a maniac who will kill you with a cleaver that is for some reason referred to as an axe
  • Not scared of handymen? There's also a ghostly Doberman Pinscher to contend with
  • Not scared of dogs? Don't worry an unexplained maggoty-faced grim reaper stops by!
  • Head in a washing machine!

 

         

Official Traumatot: Ann Carter

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Give it up for 40's child star ANN CARTER! After gaining attention playing VERONICA LAKE's bewitching offspring in I MARRIED A WITCH she astounded many with her touching portrayal of an imaginative square peg in the classic CURSE OF THE CAT PEOPLE. HALEY JOEL OSMET may have become a household name whispering "I see dead people," but decades earlier this flaxen haired wonder had been there and done that. We're proud to bestow her with our highest honor THE HONORARY TRAUMATOT AWARD!

Curse of the Cat People

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 Young Amy Reed (ANN CARTER) knows that one of the many benefits of being a child is that the line between reality and fantasy is easily crossed. Trouble is, she's having problems navigating the return trip. This not only irks the ire of her fellow classmates, but also severely disappoints her father Oliver (KENT SMITH). Unfortunately his daughter's flights of fancy echo those of his deceased ex-wife Irena (SIMONE SIMON) who, in his mind, also had difficulty keeping her feet on the ground of provable reality. Making matters exceedingly worse is that Amy's new secret, make-pretend play pal is dead Irena herself! Father and daughter battle wills. Oliver sees Amy as a dreamy headed liar and Amy is crushed that he has no faith in her. Irena's presence is actually surprisingly nurturing  all things considered (she tried to off Amy's mom in the original CAT PEOPLE), and she takes on a guardian angel type role for the girl. The real danger lies in the gothic mansion Amy has been visiting. Scary old lady Farren is harmless, but her estranged jealous daughter (equally feline ELIZABETH RUSSELL) sees Amy as a threat coming between her and the mother who denies her. Producer VAL LEWTON went out of his way NOT to deliver the psychosexual horror sequel audiences (and RKO) were clawing for. Instead he delivers a personal film about miscommunication between parents and their children and the ominous scary world such conflict breeds. True, it's not the full on horror show its predecessor was, but for those who beg for originality in a sequel your wish has been granted. Strangely, because of this difference in tone, some have even questioned if CURSE is indeed a horror film at all. Well, it's partially directed by ROBERT WISE (THE HAUNTING) and involves a ghost, a traditional looking haunted house, the headless horseman and a sinister looking spinster bent on strangling a kid. You may not find the interiors running red with blood, but they are soaked in the darkest shadows ever filmed. Like little Amy, what you see within those shadows is up to you. CURSE OF THE CAT PEOPLE is a real groundbreaker when it comes to showing the inner workings of a trouble youngster's mind (PAN'S LABYRINTH owes a debt). It is sensitive, even delicate, but that does not disqualify it as a horror film. Any child could tell you that. indelible scenes   

  • Irena's first ethereal appearance
  • The magic tree mailbox is on the fritz!
  • Irena's picture burning in the fireplace
  • As with all VAL LEWTON's films, the cinematography through out is uniformly exquisite but Amy's flight from imagined danger through a snowstorm is especially breathtaking

 

            

Suspiria

Posted on By unkle lancifer

NOTE: This review is part of THE FINAL GIRL FILM CLUB. If you have not experienced the wonder that is STACIE PONDER get over there right quick! She's not only whip-smart she's the final word on all things horror! 

When Suzy Bannion (doe-eyed JESSICA HARPER) arrives at the prestigious Freeborge Dance Academy in Germany, she minuets her way down a fluorescent rabbit hole into a psychedelic universe the likes of which have never been seen before or since. DARIO ARGENTO's bizarre, sometimes draw-dropping visual creation pulsates with a supernatural power one usually only finds in fairy tales and the work of Disney. The slightly off dubbing and trance like delivery of the bordering on nonsensical lines only further convince the viewer that SUSPIRIA is more celluloid fever dream than traditional movie. Hypnotic, filled with countless visual flourishes and subliminal asides, SUSPIRIA is unquestionably a technical marvel. Behind the curtain of aesthetic brilliance though, stands real terror. The amazing opening sequence powered by the haunting audio howls of GOBLIN delivers one of the most nerve shattering introductions in the history of horror film. It alerts the viewer immediately to the fact that they are not only not in Kansas anymore, but they may be standing over the precipice to an unfriendly phantasmagoric universe where it'll take a lot more than H20 to take down the wicked witch. Multiple viewings are not recommended but required, as there is just no human way to absorb the entire onslaught in one sitting. As with other great works of art, SUSPIRA is almost a living thing, it grows, morphs and expands with each passing year. Plus there's maggots.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S): 

  • Make sure there are seatbelts in that taxicab HARPER, the symphony that is the opening to SUSPIRIA is a real head rocker
  • The M.C. ESCHER wallpaper
  • Close up of knife in heart
  • Maggot rain
  • Landing safely in a pile of…barbed wire!
  • The missing gargoyle and the blind man's dog
  • The creepy kid and the maid
  • Don't knock over that peacock lamp!

 

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