kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Reader Houston on Jason Goes To Hell

Posted on By unkle lancifer

The scene with the melting policeman character (whose body Jason had been occupying for a while) scared the living shit out of me. This poor guy looked like he was in extreme anguish. Absolutely terrifying.—-To top it all off I was about 6 when I saw it!

Cat's Eye

Posted on By unkle lancifer


KAREN BLACK, watch your back! You think you own the corner on horror anthologies? Well, lil' DREW BARRYMORE has got some wigs up her sleeve too. She makes playing four separate characters look like child's play in this whisker-licking STEPHEN KING penned comedy-horror hybrid. Her first appearance? A magic mannequin that sets a wayward feline on a vision-quest. Ever played a mannequin before Karen? Didn't think so. Next up, Drew is JAMES WOOD's mentally handicapped child in the black comedy showcase "Quitters Inc." Here the unstoppable Drew sports oversized glasses, talks slower than normal, and is threatened with electrocution if her dad doesn't nix the nicotine.(Don't people usually get nominated for OSCARS when they go GUMP? I guess not when all of Hollywood is jealous of how cool you are, like in Drew's case!) This story is also laced with more danger for our cat pal who must escape being used as a guinea pig! In story two our little Drew is spotted in a cat food commercial wearing an ANNIE fro. Go Drew GO! It's called "The Ledge" and the cat's in it too, along with the meanest pigeon you've ever seen. He pecks ROBERT HAYS' foot while they're both a jillion stories high trying to escape a cuckoo cuckold from Jersey. Finally our Puss find's his way to the final story which is always the best one. This segment is named "General" and now so is our cat friend. He must protect America's darling from a harlequin-hooded troll that wants to steal her precious breath! General's major obstacle is Drew's bitch of a mom who won't listen to reason and thinks she's the center of the universe. This character was obviously based on real-life spaz JADE BARRYMORE. Anyway the dumbbell mom tries to put the cat to sleep but fails miserably and before you can say "euthanasia" General returns to save the day! And when I say "save the day" I mean participate in the rockingest throw down that has ever graced theater screens EVER! Now Drew and her Cat can live happily ever after and look forward to a future without wigs! 

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • This cat is so awesome that he foils both CUJO and killer car CHRISTINE both on the same day! If anyone knows how he configures into the DARKTOWER series please email me!
  • ALAN KING rules as the head of "Quitters Inc."
  • Suicide is not an option in a universe that is home to a film that features a cat putting a troll on a record player and then playing it faster with his paw at DREW BARRYMORE's command! This scene could put Bellevue out of business for good!

TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Reader Matt N. on Watership Down

Posted on By unkle lancifer

(WATERSHIP DOWN) was shown to our 3rd grade class on a rainy day. It ruined my life.

Editor's note: I would like to officially announce my first ever Traumafication-by-proxy which took place while hunting down an image for this post. WATERSHIP DOWN is a veritable nightmare that has now ruined my life as well. Thanks, Matt!

P.S. Matt: Whatever you do, do not click HERE

Gremlins 2: The New Batch

Posted on By unkle lancifer

When it's primarily the pre-teen set that's buying tickets, five years can be a long time between films. Many a GREMLINS t-shirt was outgrown between 1984 and 1989. The result? This worthwhile sequel came and went without nary a mogwai chirp. It's a shame because THE NEW BATCH is everything a sequel ought to be and much more. It brings back the elements from the original that we are nostalgic for (though admittedly it is FELDMAN-less) while expanding it's universe and upping the ante at every turn. G2 goes one further still, by splicing it's DNA into nearly every known genre and becoming a different beast altogether. By films end, it becomes a whirlwind collage of self references, fourth wall obliteration and non-stop cinephilia. (more…)

The Willies

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 


Here's a strange little horror anthology geared toward the Nickelodeon set. It's wraparound tale involves three kids in a backyard tent (one of whom is SEAN ASTIN) swapping scary stories and trying to gross each other out with adolescent humor. The structure is an oddity as we begin with various blink and you'll miss them vignettes about well known urban legends, like the dog in the microwave, then move on to two excessively long tales that fill out the bulk of the film. The first concerns a tormented boy who finds a monster in the boy's lavatory at school. Although it's played as broadly as possible, it's easy to imagine a child thinking twice about using a bathroom stall after viewing. It's given some buoyancy thanks to stand out performances from greats JAMES KAREN & CLU GULAGER (RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD) and KATHLEEN FREEMAN(GREMLINS 2 THE NEW BATCH). The second and most memorable tale introduces us to the most unlikable protagonist this side of 1981'S THE PIT. Gordy Belcher is an overweight social pariah who spends his days creating tiny dioramas of dead flies. He's impossible to sympathize with, but bizarrely fascinating anyway. He has a constantly constipated expression unless he's witnessing somebody in anguish, in which case he howls with delight. His private war with a crypt keeper like farmer ends when the farmer offers him an olive branch in the form of magic manure that escalates growth in plant-life. Gordy's tiny insect obsessions dine on the doo and greet him at the foot of his bed in new gargantuan form ready to extract long overdue revenge.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S)

  • The appearances of Seaver siblings TRACEY GOLD, JEREMY MILLER and yes, a sense of humor intact KIRK CAMERON!
  • TWIN PEAKS alum DANA ASHBROOK and KIMMY ROBERTSON also appear!
  • The Janitor putting on his mask
  • Gordy laughs at a near fatal car crash
  • The fly on a crucifix in the tiny church
  • Girl munching into Gordy's homemade fly cookie
  • Gordy's new appendages

Dreamscape

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

A young Dennis Quiad stars in this genre hodge-podge as down on his luck psychic saxophonist Alex Gardner. His once mentor Paul Novotny (MAX VON SYDOW) along with love interest KATE CAPSHAW convince him to work on an experiment that will allow him to enter other people's dreams and cure them of unwanted nightmares. High on the "to do" list is a young boy (TINA YOTHER's brother COREY) whose dreams were terrifying enough to kill the last psychic who ventured into his noggin, followed by the president of the United States whose dreams of nuclear Armageddon are feared to be prophetic. The flies in this ointment are the reliably sinister CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER and a creepy competive fellow psychic named Tommy Ray (played with zeal by DAVID PATRICK KELLY who is famously responsible for that sing-song chant from THE WARRIORS). In a film whose major concern is nuclear annihilation, it's amusing to note that the biggest scares come from a somewhat silly imaginary being known as the Snakeman. Through a dream realm that is equal parts Dr. Suess and Dr. Caligari, Quiad does battle with the sometimes stop-motion animated creature and is visibly unnerved by the experience. This fact is not lost on enemy Tommy Ray who uses this fear to his advantage in the future. DREAMSCAPE certainly has enough plates in the air so it's all the more impressive when they all land together beautifully in the crashing finale, a buffet of radio active mutants, glowing eyed dogs, neon numchucks and the return of Snakeman!

INDELIBLE SCENE(S): 

  • Opening dream with the President's wife trying in vain to outrun a mushroom cloud
  • The Woody Allen-like, circus music infueled infidelity dream
  • "That's my dad, he won't help."
  • The twisty non-stop staircase
  • George Wendt as a novelist
  • The post apocalyptic train ride

    •  

Kinderguest Richard of DoomedMoviethon.com

Posted on By unkle lancifer

My first R-Rated film was a little police procedural Slasher hybrid called 10 TO MIDNIGHT starring CHARLES BROSON. I believe I was only 7 years old when the film premiered on HBO. My parents and some assorted aunts and uncles were gathered around the TV watching this trashy flick and nobody seemed to notice that I was even there. The plot, as interpreted by my 7 year old mind, goes like this: A serial killer gets naked and then kills naked women; it is up to a detective (Bronson) to kill the serial killer.

My most distinct memory of the film is when the killer goes after a black girl. This gorgeous and quite voluptuous young woman is taking a very steamy shower when the killer strikes. The image of a nude
man stabbing the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen (up to that point) has stayed with me for over two decades.

While this shower-scene-gone-terribly-wrong is taking place, my aunt looks at me with a bewildered look on her face, as though she just noticed I'm even in the room. She then looks to my mother and she says, "Should Ricky be watching this?"

My mom, without missing a beat, says, "Oh, he won't remember this!"

I have yet to revisit 10 TO MIDNIGHT since that fateful night, despite the fact that it has finally appeared on DVD. This memory is too special (for good and for bad reasons) for me and I'm worried that seeing the film again will spoil it for me. Was my obsession with horror films (especially Slashers) hatched right there and then? Probably. One thing's for sure, my mother's theory on the absorbency of the adolescent mind could probably have used a little work.

Hey kids, go crash the non-stop viewing party at Richard's great site Doomed Moviethon.

Night Terror

Posted on By unkle lancifer


Harried homemaker Carol Turner (VALERIE HARPER) has much on her plate, her family is in the middle of a move and she just can't seem to get it together. Forgetful and frazzled, she relies on her husband's near constant guidance. Due to uncontrollable events Carol is about to get a crash course in self preservation. Learning her youngest child has fallen ill, she set's off on an impromptu road trip to Phoenix. This is a ballsy move for old Sal, who was previously peevish about driving on the interstate. Her initial experiences while driving on her own two feet are uniformly dismal. Young hippy haired kids mock her and fellow female drivers disown her. When she finds she's run out of gas her instinct to ask for help from others gets her into deep shit, as she witnesses the murder of a cop and is tagged by his executioner as a target that must be snuffed. A car chase follows that can easily be read as the female version of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S DUEL. What's different here is the depiction of the threatening driver RICHARD ROMANUS, whose scarred neck and dog tags imply a war vet. This guy is actually scary and it's not because he speaks through one of those robot electro-larynx doohickies. It's because when the soap dispenser fails in a public restroom, he rips it off the wall, plus he's also mean to waitresses. The two-steps forward one-step back pacing is either suspenseful or frustrating depending on your tastes. The dated ending which has her unaware husband making light of Sal's usual helplessness is hysterical. She stops just short of winking at the audience.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S)

  • Quinn Cummings alert!
  • Val's "second honeymoon" attire
  • Scary bad guy's rabbit howls
  • The Hamptons boozer that Val inadvertently kills
  • Privileged Val thinks she can buy anyone with a twenty

Special thanks to Richard at Doomed Moviethon!

TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Kinderpal Ricky on Friday the 13th

Posted on By unkle lancifer

The most scared I can remember being after watching a horror movie was when I watched FRIDAY THE 13th with my little brother at my cousin's house. The whole movie was mortifying but the scene that really got me is when KEVIN BACON gets killed. There he was just chillin' in bed, reflecting after sex when a spear comes up through his neck from under the bed! I not only had trouble sleeping afterward, but trouble even lying down in bed. Me and my brother shared bunk-beds at the time and I remember having to check under the bed before I could get under the covers. I'm not really the biggest FRIDAY THE 13th fan today, but this does explain the soft spot I continue to have for fellow Philadelphian KEVIN BACON!

TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Reader Paul on "Raiders"

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I came out of the womb loving horror movies. As a kid I was obsessed with FRANKENSTEIN,THE WOLF MAN and all the Universal monsters. I used to build Aurora models with my dad and was an avid reader of FAMOUS MONSTERS. My parents had every reason to believe I could handle the action adventure movie RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. For the most part they were right, I loved the snakes, the rotting skeletons, everything until the finale. When the ark was finally opened and the everyone's faces began melting and exploding, I realized I was in way over my head. I covered my eyes but the damage was done. Not only was I terrified but I actually felt like my own head had exploded. That night I couldn't sleep and I ended up melting the face of one of my Frankenstein models with a bic lighter just see what it would look like.