kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory

Posted on By unkle lancifer

A bunch of "lucky" kids win a contest. The prize? Abu Ghraib style psychological torture and the chance to have their very souls judged by a megalomaniac and his mutant band of Tang colored goons. In case you've repressed the level of abject terror to be found behind the walls of the factory, we leave you with these choice lyrics crooned by the Charon like guide as they plunge down his psychedelic river Styx…

There's no earthly way of knowing
which direction we are going
There's no knowing where we're rowing
Or which way the river's flowing

Is it raining, is it snowing
Is a hurricane a-blowing

Not a speck of light is showing
So the danger must be growing
Are the fires of Hell a-glowing
Is the grisly reaper mowing

Yes, the danger must be growing
For the rowers keep on rowing
And they're certainly not showing
Any signs that they are slowing

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • Angela's Ashes home life means four grandparents per bed ala' BOB&CAROL&TED&ALICE
  • Mr. Slugworth in general
  • Umpa Lumpas in general
  • Wonka in general
  • The hellish boat ride that showcased the decapitation of a live chicken
  • Death or near death by chocolate, bad egg appraisal, fan blades, television shrinkage and Gobstopper
  • Wonka's meany act followed by the revelation that it was all just an elaborate mind fuck

Official Traumatot: Linda Blair

Posted on By unkle lancifer

She'll be remembered forever for her Oscar nominated turn in the trauma machine known as THE EXORCIST. But even sans that notch in her belt, she would still find a happy home on these pages. She's battled a usurping witch in SUMMER OF FEAR , had an unfortunate run in with a broom handle in BORN INNOCENT and even survived a deadly hazing ritual in HELL NIGHT. The list of her genre contributions is extensive and ever growing. Bow before Blair!

The Exorcist

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Most horror flicks are satisfied with the humble goal of tossing about a few chills. The more ostentatious may even try to snatch a good night's sleep from the viewer. This Titanic beast wants the whole bag of marbles and it's not going to rest until every inch of peaceful space in your brain is demolished. THE EXORCIST has extracted not nights, but years of sleep deprivation from its ill prepared audience. It has given rise to vomiting, fainting and perhaps most frighteningly, church attendance. Who can explain the mystery of its power? It's indisputable that all involved, director, writer and cast were all at the top of their game, but it almost seems as if the film built its own damn self with bricks forcibly pried from our collective unconscious.

It's about a little girl who's possessed by the devil, a scary idea for sure, but many other films have attempted this plot and delivered nothing. (I'm looking at YOU, many other films!) Why won't this movie step down? Why won't it behave? After decades you'd think it's power would have waned some or at least by now we could laugh at it like so many other bugaboos from our past and say, "I was scared of that? What was I thinking?" No such luck. This baby won't budge.

It may be because it's about so much more then just that little girl. It never flinches juggling ideas about good, evil, guilt, morality, life, death, and the simple truths about human existence that most popular entertainment beats back with a stick. Above all else though, this shit is scary. The enemy is not the begrudged victim of a prank gone wrong but evil itself. I'm talking old as time, famine, cancer, Auschwitz, JENNA ELFMAN type evil. I have heard atheists claim to be immune to the horrors found here. If that's the case, then that's their best selling point and it should be used more often as a recruitment tool.

Director WILLIAM FRIEDKIN and writer PETER BLATTY are often busy trying to convince us that the film closes on a happy ending that reveals good's triumph over evil. I'll allow that the book does succeed at making this point, but as far as the film goes I'm not buying that haunted swamp land. I get that Father Karras (a supernaturally natural JASON MILLER) sacrifices himself to save Reagan (irreplaceable traumagod LINDA BLAIR) and that's no small shakes or anything, but for this viewer's psyche, it's too little too late. Evil can levitate, spew pea soup, twist it's head fully around and make aspersions towards good's mother's recreational time in hell, and good's snappy comeback is jumping out a window? It doesn't comfort me. It doesn't comfort me one bit.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

God, do I really have to bother? Head spinning, pea soup upchuck, the staircase, MAX VON SYDOW's Magritte inspired arrival, frickin' Captain Howdy all over the place. Pazzuzu waltzing around, Karras's freaked out dream about his mom. That horrible hospital head machine. Masturbation with a crucifix? "The sow is mine!"…the whole damn thing. The whole damn thing is indelible.

Eyes of a Stranger

Posted on By unkle lancifer

This review is part of the Final Girl Film Club, join the pow wow here: Final Girl Film Club

News anchor Jane Harris (LAUREN TEWES) is close to having a televised melt down. Everyday she has to report about a string of rape/murders and nobody, not her fellow anchors, not her producer, and certainly not the public at large seems to grasp the gravity of the situation. Are they all morons? Or perhaps they don't have first hand knowledge of the devastation an assault like that can cause. Jane knows. She lives with the walking reminder in the form of her deaf blind mute sister Tracy (JENNIFER JASON LEIGH),who became that way after just such an attack. Worse yet, it was a younger Jane's self-involvement that propelled the tragedy. Maybe if Jane could catch the killer she could redeem herself. But where to start? Where to find a clue? Well, there is that neighbor of hers, the one who she watched changing his blood soaked clothes in the parking garage, he'll do! We viewers know he actually IS the killer but our feminist heroine doesn't want to report it to the police just yet because her boyfriend told her that was dumb — so it's off to get more clues! (more…)

Dead and Buried

Posted on By unkle lancifer

How's this for an opening? A photographer walks a deserted beach taking National Geographic like shots of seagulls and the like. He comes across a beautiful girl who resembles a 1950's pin-up. She offers to pose for him and the photos he takes become more and more erotic. She suddenly exposes her breasts and propositions him. His excitement is short lived as he's surrounded by variously garbed townspeople who then begin taking pictures of him. He is then savagely beaten, wrapped to a post with fish netting, and doused with gasoline, all while the object of his lust smiles approvingly. "Welcome to Potter's Bluff," one of them says as another lights a match and sets him afire. The townspeople then circle around him and watch as he burns. If this mortifying display was not enough, the victim later appears as a happy member of the malicious mob. (more…)

An Open Letter to Mrs. Kobritz by Stevie Wayne

Posted on By unkle lancifer


I'm sure I hardly need to introduce myself; I'm sorta a big deal. Unless you live under a rock or don't own a radio, you know who I am. If you have somehow not heard my awesome radio show (KAB rocks!) you've certainly seen me riding around Antonio Bay in my wicked convertible! Well, I'm not here to promote myself, but rather to expose a certain oldster who's gotten a free pass in this town as of late. I'm talking of Mrs. Kobritz and her dubious abilities as a babysitter. I've ignored missing under garments, the dilution of my liquor with tap water, and habitual tardiness, but it's high time Mrs. Kobritz be held accountable for her routinely irresponsible behavior. First of all, I realize that the other night there was an out of the ordinary occurrence that had many of our locals running about pell-mell begging for God to intervene. (I'm referring to the zombie-infested fog bank that engulfed the town.) But many of us were still able to do our jobs and even help others when the opportunity arose. I know I did everything I conceivably could to warn all my listeners of the impending danger (off the clock!). And let's face reality folks, the crew of the Elizabeth Dane were only going to kill six of us; it's not like the whole town was going down! (more…)

Stephen King's IT

Posted on By unkle lancifer

The miniseries IT hits some pretty astounding highs and some equally astounding lows but, sown throughout is a performance that is destined for infamy. TIM CURRY's Pennywise the clown is nothing short of one of the most terrifying figures in horror. Like oh so many of the films that are mentioned on these pages, IT's origins began in the mind of STEPHEN KING. Director TOMMY LEE WALLACE (HALLOWEEN 3, FRIGHT NIGHT 2) certainly had a gargantuan task on his hands. Many of the Lovecraft-ian multidimensional ideas of the 1,000 plus page epic novel were simply unfilmable, and attempts to scale them down are understandably less than successful. This is why the well earned climax usually leaves the viewer a bit undernourished and dissatisfied. Rather than watch our seven heroes, the STAND BY ME-ish "losers" battle the nemesis we've grown to fear and love, they share fisticuffs with a spider-like reject from CLASH OF THE TITANS. What they are seeing in fact, is the being in the closest form that their collective minds are capable of producing. (A kid who does see IT's true form is instantly turned into a white haired JIM JARMUSCH clone). Unfortunately for the viewer it's not a fraction as frightening as the mocking, child-killing monster that skipped around the rest of the movie with an arsenal of blood filled balloons, stale jokes and an elaborate display of phantasmagorical fortune cookies. That said, audiences mostly share the same selective memory as the inhabitants of King's fictional town of Derry. Few can recall the giant spider, they're still quivering over the clown.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

Any scene with Pennywise is scary take your pick:

  • In the sewer
  • In the clotheslines
  • In the shower
  • In the sink
  • In the road
  • In the library
  • In the moon? Yes, he even shows up in the moon. What is up with this guy?

Rob Zombie's Halloween

Posted on By unkle lancifer

rob zombie halloween kids who kill woods
No, It's not a masterpiece like the original. Gone is the pitch perfect ominous supernatural dread. Gone is the focus on the stalwart Laurie Strode. In it's place is debatably the most interesting portrayal of a child killer in years. Before scoffing imagine Zombie's haunted hay ride without it's impossible to live up to title, HALLOWEEN, you will see the tale of a harassed child who snaps completely and a mother who desperately clings to the hope that her son is not lost forever to mental illness. Zombie's white trash environment was widely criticized for being a cheap tack on catalyst for lil' Mikey's madness. I don't read it that way. His siblings share a similar upbringing without a hint of the same affliction. In fact, young Michael has no memory of his actions and explicitly wants to return home and be with the family he still imagines alive. No, the roots of his behavior do not involve druid style mumbo jumbo, but he is taken over by a nameless something that still fits snugly inside the definition of EVIL. DAEG FAERCH's heartbreaking portrayal is original in the annals of horror, with his soft features and sensitive disposition towards his mother ("I like your hair curly. It's pretty.") He is the antithesis of the robotic, cut in stone child demons that are usually displayed in movies like THE OMEN or THE VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED. When Michael reaches adulthood the second half of the film concerns the events we are more familiar with, but the shells in this game are switched around enough that you never really know what's going to happen. Laurie bringing Lindsey BACK home to the Wallace's to check on Annie? Brilliant. Credit should also be given for the more brutal and realistic violence. Usually In slasher movies victims go down quickly and easily. A simple machete to the face and they'll even pose for you so can place them in a make shift shrine. These victims convulse, shake, squirm and crawl away just like real ones and the result is visceral and disturbing. In my book, Zombie's meta take easily achieves the gonzo schlocky pandemonium of a real honest to goodness horror film, the kind of which there are far too few. I agree the ham fisted editing does weaken the theatrical version, but the director's work-print closes with a much more touching and enduring finale involving a voice over from Mike and Dr.Loomis's first session together. As the audio rolls we hear Faerch's pip-squeak voice intone "Hi, I'm Micheal Myers…" Was his performance enough to convince me of that fact? To quote from the original film: "As a matter of fact…it was."

  • "Love hurts" Zombie may never live it down but it's a counterintuitive choice that genuinely lingers
  • Bully gets his comeuppance in the woods. If you say you didn't enjoy this scene as much as I did you are a liar
  • Tiny Mike in giant mask
  • Lil' Mike takes care of the nurse followed by an ear maddening siren blare
  • Many people THINK about blowing their brains out when watching home movies. Mommy Moon doesn't just think about it, she DOES it!

Halloween Costume Quiz

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Here's some groovy costume ideas. While you're perusing them, try to figure out which respective movies they appeared in! Warning: If you get all of them right it means you are insane! Answers can be found in the comments section. Good Luck, chuckleheads! (more…)

TRAUMAFESSION :: Reader Dawn on HALLOWEEN

Posted on By unkle lancifer

halloween laurie strode class fate child abuse
We were moved by this Traumafession. Even though it saddened us, we think it illustrates just how cathartic and even inspiring a well done horror film can be.

The first time I saw HALLOWEEN it was on television and I was babysitting two kids at the time! Of course I immediately identified and was moved by Laurie's sense of responsibility towards the kids in her care. I've probably watched it once a year ever since. It wasn't until later in life that I realized that I related to her for another reason altogether. I grew up in a very abusive household. Running around the halls of a suburban house screaming for my life was like second nature to me. The scene that I love the most is when Laurie is in class and her teacher is talking about how fate is an unmovable object. Laurie has no idea what fate has in store for her that Halloween night; that she is going to have to transform herself to survive. She was and is a hero of mine because she grabbed that knitting needle, because she grabbed that clothes hanger, because she became someone she never knew she was.