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Dear Heather, by rights you should have been our very first TRAUMATOT but we were at a loss to try to find the words to describe your Herculean influence on KINDERTRAUMALAND. You owned POLTERGEIST, and though some say you toy-phoned in your performances in 2 and 3 to that we say …P'SHAW! Our only wish is that we could have seen you in parts 4,5 and 6!!! Â
Poor Jessica, she just got released from a four month stay at a mental institution and she ain't feeling so great. I guess riding around in a hearse and making crafty tombstone rubbings on tissue paper isn't as therapeutic as you'd think. ZOHRA LAMPERT not to be confused with TYNE DALY stars as the twitchy title character in this spooky and subtle sleeper. She along with her long-suffering husband BARTON HAEYMAN from THE EXORCIST have just escaped the chaos of New York and bought a beautiful house in the New England countryside. They've even brought along a bug eyed walrus-faced pal named Woody to help with the apple orchard. Yes, all Jessica needs is a little fresh air and some peace and quiet and maybe she'll stop having those nasty audio and visual hallucinations. When they arrive at what is referred to ominously as, "The old Bishop place" they find an ethereal red headed squatter named Emily. You can tell this film takes place in the seventies because instead of shooting her in the face and calling the cops, they invite her to stick around, drink some wine and play MELANIE type songs on her guitar. Inevitably hubby and hottie hippy chick share horny glances and Jessica begins her nosedive into full blown madness. You'll be right there with her because the most impressive thing about this movie is that it locks you into it's unreliable narrator's head and it does not let you go. There's a near constant clammer of subtle and not so subtle sounds, creakings, moanings, whispering voices, some are Jessica's "Don't tell them, they won't believe you!" and some are not, "I'm in your blood!" There's also an overwhelming sense of internal isolation that brings to mind CHARLOTTE GILMAN's famous short story THE YELLOW WALLPAPER. The plot is as evasive as a wraith. It goes from psychological thriller to ghost story to vampire tale and back again and it's impossible to put your thumb down on what's really going on. Unlike most films where the audience is asked to view things miles ahead of its protagonists, you never have any more information then Jessica does. We begin and end our story with Jessica floating in a small boat pondering what she has experienced– "Nightmares or dreams, madness or insanity, I don't know which is which…" Don't be surprised if by film's end you wind up in the same perplexing boat.
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This seventies action/horror hybrid was a late night television mainstay in the eighties. Any kid happening upon it while switching channels was instantly glued to the sofa right up until the nightmare-inducing finale. PETER FONDA, WARREN OATES, LORETTA SWITT and LARA PARKER play two couples looking for a little R&R in a righteous R.V. Instead they stumble across a depraved satanic ritual in full swing. At first the inebriated pals think they've lucked out and discovered a hippie orgy — that is until the masked leader of the coven brandishes a blade and guts a naked nubile necromancer like she was a carp. Loud mouth Loretta exposes the camper full of witnesses and there starts a harrowing cross-country road rally that would humble MAD MAX. Economic, inventive, and filled with some the best car chases you're likely to see, RACE also invokes one of the best paranoia moods this side of ROSEMARY'S BABY. Almost everyone the couples come into contact with as they try to flee the cult, from trailer park oldsters to toothless hillbilly car mechanics, seems to be a possible buddy of Beelzebub. Even if you tried to resist this old school thrill ride, the soundtrack itself will grab you by the collar and pull you along with it. Complete with a hopeless ending that modern test screening audiences would jettison in a heart beat, this wrong place, wrong time movie gets everything right.
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Our plastic hats are off to this faithful, almost shot-by-shot recreation of the seasonal classic HALLOWEEN:
We picked our fave scene, but the whole movie can be seen @ legochainsawmassacre.
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He stared in all the best eighties kid flicks, GREMLINS, GOONIES, STAND BY ME but more importantly, he killed Jason! I'm not talking about zombie Jason, ambulance driving non-Jason, uber space station Jason or body jumping demon Jason. He killed the REAL Jason! And he didn't chain him to the bottom of the lake for somebody else to deal with at a future date, brother shaved his head and whacked the malicious mongoloid in the melon with a machete screaming, "Die!, Die!, Die!" For that reason and many more Corey Feldman is forever a true blue TRAUMATOT. Show some respect!Â
Are Silver Shamrock brand masks hazardous to your health? I don't know — Do you think crickets, rattlesnakes and other assorted vermin pouring out of every orifice in your head is hazardous to your health? Dear readers I implore you, if you or any one you know has purchased a mask from Silver Shamrock Industries, dispose of them immediately, no matter what the cost. The three masks in question are easily identifiable by their three distinct styles, which include: skull face, green witch, and orange pumpkin. They all bear the telltale Silver Shamrock logo, which is a large disc embedded on the back of the mask. On October 31 there will be a televised event on ALL three of the available channels on your television set. The program will conclude with a big giveaway. Do not, under any circumstances, watch this show wearing one of these God forsaken masks! Inside ALL of the masks tags is a small chipping from Stonehenge that, when activated with a flashing pumpkin signal, will turn your living room into hell on Earth. Many have asked if they can simply remove the logo and watch the show as intended. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO REMOVE THE TAG, not even with a hairpin, unless you want a laser to blast you in the face, and a gargantuan bug to crawl out of the cavity that remains.
Some of you may be thinking, "I hate my kid, what do I care?"
Well, you will care when a snake crawls out of your kid's head and bites you! Conal Cochran, the CEO of this nefarious company and designer of these "novelties," has been planning just such a sacrifice for years, going so far as to create clockwork servants that resemble you or I. He considers this holocaust "a joke," and claims the best Halloween took place three thousand years ago, "When the hills ran red with the blood of children and animals." Is this the type of company you want to support? I know the jingle on the commercial is catchy and it's easy to get swept up in the spirit of the season but, for the sake of yourself and for future generations, throw out those masks! For more information on Cochran and his atrocities watch HALLOWEEN 3: SEASON OF THE WITCH.
SCOTT JACOBY, who is also excellent in THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE, plays Ronald Wilby an introverted outsider and part-time momma's boy. Ronald isn't so "bad," really he's just the victim of circumstance. When a nasty albino dwarf talks smack about his mom, he grabs her by the face and pushes her backwards. (Hey, it worked for CARY GRANT.) Unfortunately the brat's noggin' hits a poorly placed cinder block and B.R has no choice but to dispose of the evidence via a shallow grave. When he gets home, you learn why he took such umbrage to the uggo's taunts. His mother is none other than KIM HUNTER the sexy monkey from THE PLANET OF THE APES! I know she's meant to be all Norma Bates overbearing but, to me, she seems like the perfect mom. When told of her son's murderous mistake, she devises a plan to turn the downstairs bathroom into a luxury artist studio he can hide out in. The door is covered with wallpaper and there's a cubby door in the pantry where she can deliver him candy bars and Carnation Instant Milk. At this point I'm realizing that by simply snuffing a simp, B.R has acquired the lifestyle I have always dreamt of. He no longer has to leave his domicile and he can spend all day working full time on his, "Extraordinary vision of fantasy," a make-believe world called Atranta. As God would have it, all good things must come to an end and Ronnie's dream set-up is demolished when his mom dies from a routine operation. Now Ronald must fend for himself while nosy neighbor Mrs. Schumacher sniffs about and a new family headed by DABNEY COLEMAN moves in. Bored out of his skull, Ronald projects his Atranta fantasies upon the youngest sibling the whiney Babs, who he thinks is the embodiment of his creation Princess Fansetta. As dopey as this all sounds, it's perfectly enthralling as the family has no idea the local legendary killer is Anne Frank-ing it in the second bathroom they tragically never knew existed. Things come to a head as our Ronald becomes more brazen and it finally culminates in a startling climax when the Jan Brady-esque middle sister finds an eye staring back at her through a hole in the wall. Creepy, voyeuristic, and endlessly entertaining BAD RONALD is a must see for television movie enthusiasts and shut-ins everywhere.
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