Author: unkle lancifer

I Killed Three People! by Rynn Jacobs

Posted on October 25, 2007January 26, 2008 By unkle lancifer

jodie foster kills little girl who lives down the lane

Â Howdy folks, My name is Rynn Jacobs,(JODIE FOSTER)I just killed three people and I could give a flying fig newton. I had no choice really because people don't seem to get that this is MY HOUSE! You see, my terminally ill father took his own life like many a great poet before him, but not before he made a plan to make sure I was well taken care of. We found a beautiful house in a seaside town and he paid the rent up front for three years. At 18 I could do want I want but pops wanted to make sure I didn't have to go to public school where I would be taught by THEM. THEM are those who tell you what life is about so you never really find out for yourself. The first two kills were happy mistakes. My mother showed up one day with her bright red nail polish and it was clear she had "taking over" in mind. As instructed by my father I gave her some tea with a little powder he had prepared. She said it tasted like almonds before she keeled over. The second was the nasty Mrs. Hallet (a begging to be killed ALEXIS SMITH) who stomped in as if she owned the place and never once asked if she might. She found mom's corpse in the cellar and when the cellar door knocked her on the head, she ended up lying right next to her. Don't shed any tears for that one, she was a snobby racist who was always threatening to tell the schoolboard about me. The third was ALL my doing. Mrs. Hallet's son Frank (sleezy MARTIN SHEEN), what a piece of work! I met him on my birthday, Halloween night. It was clear from the get go that he was a pervert. He also tripped my crippled magician confidant Mario (kinderidol SCOTT JACOBY) and killed my pet hamster Ralph by putting a cigarrette out on him! Plus I swear he was trying to cop a feel when he reached into my nightgown to inquire about my key necklace. What really signed the creep's death certificate though was when he found out about my set-up and tried to blackmail me into being "his." THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE don't play that. How's your tea Frank? No, that almond taste is NOT from the cookies! Tell your mom "Rynn says hi, and sorry about the jelly glasses!"

TRAUMAFESSION :: Kinderpal Ralphus on Kane

Posted on October 25, 2007January 26, 2008 By unkle lancifer

There are few moments in any film that still haunt me from childhood. I was into horror films whole-heartedly at a young age, my cherry-popper being the original NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET on VHS at around 1st or 2nd grade. After that I went through the HALLOWEEN's, FRIDAY the 13th's, and subsequent ELM STREETS's like a fire burning through southern California in October. I feel compelled to write about one such film that still creeps my once-Catholic soul. Since the only thing as a youth that really scared me was being in church, I still get that bottomless pit stomach feeling when I hear the song, "God is in His Holy Temple…" from POLTERGEIST II. It's the Reverend Henry Kane who can send me back to being 8 years old. Carol-Anne had it rough, the scene in the strip mall when Kane comes up and sings that creepy song to her, holding her hands, smiling at her with those huge teeth, I'm surprised HEATHER O'ROURKE didn't need therapy after that. What really gets me to this day is when Kane comes strolling up to the house in the rain, singing his song, and asks to be let inside. As he peers deeply into CRAIG T. NELSON's eyes, he starts predicting his fears and inadequacies as a husband and father. Then, more forcefully through the screen door, he demands, "Let me in!". If I recall that part in a dream tonight, there is a good chance I might wet the bed. Those old man teeth, those piercing eyes, the hat, that whole religious zealot personality that says "Hey, come join us for the mass suicide!" It proves that religious folks with a scary hats can be just as frightening as a masked guy with a knife. When He screams, "You're gonna die in hell! All of you! You are gonna die!" it's perfectly chilling and holds up just as well today as it did in 1986. Let's not forget the song, "Earthly thoughts, be silent now…".

TRAUMAFESSION :: Reader Eric on ZOMBIE

Posted on October 24, 2007January 26, 2008 By unkle lancifer

I saw a lot of terrifying movies growing up in long island mostly at my friend John's house who's mother didn't care about what we watched and it was usually what people would consider not appropriate for children… [I] had to pretend I didn't see a lot of these movies later on for my mom. When I was 8, we watched part of Lucio Fulci's ZOMBIE, which all I remember was the shark, the ripping and devouring of human flesh like it reminded me of a big sloppy meatloaf cake. We both ran out of the house grossed out but it was kinda fun to run away from creepy things that can't possibly get you.

Remember kids, write in so we can post your TRAUMAFESSION and then you can be all cool like Eric!

Official Traumatot: Danielle Harris

Posted on October 23, 2007January 26, 2008 By unkle lancifer

danielle harris Halloween sequel rob zombie

Â The sufferings of young Danny have not gone unnoticed here at KINDERTRAUMA MANOR. HALOWEENS 4 AND 5 would have been enough to justify her portrait hanging in our illustrious halls but she recently kicked it up a notch by withstanding yet another onslaught in ROB ZOMBIE'S boffo retelling. We demand a D.H.-centric sequel!

Halloween 4 and 5

Posted on October 23, 2007January 26, 2008 By unkle lancifer

Â After wearing the world's most unconvincing wig in Part 2, JAMIE LEE CURTIS abandoned the HALLOWEEN franchise in search of less blood-soaked pastures. A new heroine was not to be found in Part 3's STACY NELKIN, not because she didn't have the chops, but because she was left a decapitated robot and she had nothing to do with anything. Part 4 introduced little 10 year old DANIELLE HARRIS to the scream queen club, and boy did she ever scream. Her two film ordeal makes THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST look like SPY KIDS. Playing the part of Laurie Strode's orphaned daughter Jamie, the half pint went on to carry both 4 and 5 on her own petite shoulders. (Part 6 had an other actress playing the part and she was subsequently shunned by society and forced to wear a red "F" is for FAKE letter upon her bosom). If you're somehow not familiar with these movies I'll fill you in. In Part 4 Michael Myers comes back to Haddonfield, Illinois to kill everyone and in Part 5 he does it a year later, but he also brings a basket of useless MacGuffins. The biggest difference is that Part 4 is a near perfect homage to John Carpenter and Part 5 is…less so.Old time Halloween fans might want to sit down for what I'm about to say, but I swear to you it's true. Due to constant double billed cable play over the years, many a fan's introduction to the Myers character is through 4 and 5. Still breathing? Don't get too comfortable. Many of these people PREFER the sequels to the original…HEY! Don't stab the messenger!!! In fact these two flicks have sorta melded into one in viewers eyes much like 1 and 2 were supposed to do if that damn wig didn't ruin everything. The beauty part is that Jamie Lee Curtis left some damn big shoes to fill and D.H. did just that. So all you sequel haters out there GIVE IT UP! You will never win. No, they may not have the honor of being innovative or lighting the fire, but they do eventually find their way into most fans hearts and more importantly, sometimes they create new fans. Now that can't be bad can it?

INDELIBLE SCENES(S):

Uncle Mike sitting up by the bed as lightning illuminates him
Those awful teasing brats who call J's mommy a mummy!
The rooftop sequence
Mike kills yet another dog (Max). What is his problem with dogs?
The deadly laundry shoot!

Kindertrauma Sells Out!

Posted on October 23, 2007 By unkle lancifer

You knew it was just a matter of time! It's not cheap maintaining the lifestyle we've grown accustomed to. Yoo-hoo baths and mallomars don't grow on trees! Kindly visit our new sponsors frequently. And remember if you can't read the text it simply means you have a detached retina and are going blind! Go buy a cane!

Child's Play

Posted on October 22, 2007January 26, 2008 By unkle lancifer

Â For those of you who remember this franchise starter as a garish Johnny come lately to the '80s slasher boom, it's time to give CHILD'S PLAY a serious re-watch. It's surprisingly subtle and compact, and director TOM HOLLAND (FRIGHT NIGHT) is wise enough not to show all the cards he's holding until completely necessary. Consumer-in-training Andy Barclay has his eye on a "Good Guys" doll for his birthday, thanks to his favorite show, a serialized commercial. Mom Karen, CATHERINE HICKS, is a retail clerk who can't get behind the 100-dollar price tag. Her gal pal Maggie, LEE GRANT spawn, DINAH MANOFF sets her up with a vagabond who's selling it for cheap. Little does she know that the toy has seen some voodoo action lately and is housing the spirit of "The Lakeshore Strangler" Charles Lee Ray, a brilliant BRAD DOURIF. Soon Andy is whispering to his buddy privately and anyone that crosses the rascal's path winds up dead. Killer doll movies are innately fun and Child's Play is a deserving classic of the sub-genre. For a great deal of time, his animation is shown only briefly in "corner of the eye" shots that work exceptionally well. They never over reach with the special effects and the movie holds up better for it. The film plays with the idea that Andy could be the culprit but, of course, we all know better. When the Chuckster finally exposes himself, it's a savage, profanity laden scene that still takes the viewer aback. There is an element in this first chapter that is dropped from the subsequent sequels and that is the engulfing danger of the city around them. Chucky brings Andy on a subway ride into rat-infested squalor and HICKS is warned about parts of town, "That are bad at night." It spends a lot of time scratching the open wound of a single mother's anxiety about raising her child in an unpredictable urban environment. But this is really Andy's story, a kid vs. doll tale. ALEX VINCENT is exceptional as a boy who's hurt by his plastic pal's trickery and betrayal. The scene where he looses it behind bars at the children's correction facility is somehow hilarious and heartbreaking at the same time. A lot of horror films can loose their power over the years but this one, like the murderous doll that inhabits it, just gets stronger.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

Chucky grabs the toy hammer
"Chucky says Aunt Maggie was a bitch and deserved what she got."
Chucky's first real attack on HICKS
Southern-fried Chucky
"This IS the end friend!"

NILBOG Is GOBLIN Spelled Backwards!

Posted on October 21, 2007January 26, 2008 By unkle lancifer

Â Although barely a dot on a map and with a population of a mere 26, the town of Nilbog has quite a reputation. It's thought of as a wonderful half empty town full of farmers who live like our ancestors did hundreds of years ago. You can barely step into a supermarket these days without being exposed to row after row of their vitamin enriched milk. The townsfolk are devout vegetarians but not complete wet blankets. Many believe that the new "HAND GLASSES" dance craze that's sweeping the nation originated in the little hamlet. But if you're looking for that famous country hospitality, I suggest you look elsewhere. I contend that there's a skeleton in Nilbog's closet and that skeleton is not a skeleton, that skeleton is a goblin! For it has come to my attention that the town's very name is GOBLIN spelled backwards. Feel like vomiting? The line starts behind me.For the non-believers out there I challenge you to this experiment. First, grab a piece of scrap paper and a writing utensil preferably a feather dipped in ink. Now write the evil town's name NILBOG on that paper. After waiting several minutes for the ink to dry hold the scrap of paper, words side out in front of a piece of reflecting glass such as a bathroom mirror (or for you ladies a handy compact.) THERE, DO YOU SEE IT? If you concentrate hard and squint your eyes I'm sure you can make out the despicable word "GOBLIN.""Who are the goblins?" some may ask. Well I assure you that they are not the stuff of fairy tales, they are real. They are cruel deformed forest dwellers and they are spiteful and impudent. No, I did not say impotent. I said impudent, look it up. They can transform themselves into flesh and blood creatures whenever and however they want…They can! These vengeful evil creatures make you eat green pudding until you start to sweat chlorophyll green- the color of goblins, the color of sap. They then turn you into a half-man half-plant, their favorite food! They do all of this with a voracity that has no equal. Why? No reason. Goblins don't need to justify their cruel acts. If NILBOG has nothing to hide, why has my every inquiry been rebuffed? I've gotten the cold shoulder from both Creedence Leonore Gielguld AND Sheriff Gene Freak. In fact, when I asked the sheriff a simple question that was not related to this case, "Where could I find some single unattached girls?" He just laughed in my face and drove off. What are you hiding Sheriff? Did you really think offering me an ear of corn with green butter on it would shut me up? I got news for you Freak, tonight I'll be doing more research on your dirty little goblin kingdom. Tonight I'll be by watching TROLL 2!Â Â goblin troll 2 nilbog

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Official Traumatot: Heather O'Rourke

Posted on October 20, 2007January 26, 2008 By unkle lancifer

Dear Heather, by rights you should have been our very first TRAUMATOT but we were at a loss to try to find the words to describe your Herculean influence on KINDERTRAUMALAND. You owned POLTERGEIST, and though some say you toy-phoned in your performances in 2 and 3 to that we say …P'SHAW! Our only wish is that we could have seen you in parts 4,5 and 6!!!Â Â

Let's Scare Jessica To Death

Posted on October 20, 2007January 26, 2008 By unkle lancifer

let's scare Jessica vampire lake Poor Jessica, she just got released from a four month stay at a mental institution and she ain't feeling so great. I guess riding around in a hearse and making crafty tombstone rubbings on tissue paper isn't as therapeutic as you'd think. ZOHRA LAMPERT not to be confused with TYNE DALY stars as the twitchy title character in this spooky and subtle sleeper. She along with her long-suffering husband BARTON HAEYMAN from THE EXORCIST have just escaped the chaos of New York and bought a beautiful house in the New England countryside. They've even brought along a bug eyed walrus-faced pal named Woody to help with the apple orchard. Yes, all Jessica needs is a little fresh air and some peace and quiet and maybe she'll stop having those nasty audio and visual hallucinations. When they arrive at what is referred to ominously as, "The old Bishop place" they find an ethereal red headed squatter named Emily. You can tell this film takes place in the seventies because instead of shooting her in the face and calling the cops, they invite her to stick around, drink some wine and play MELANIE type songs on her guitar. Inevitably hubby and hottie hippy chick share horny glances and Jessica begins her nosedive into full blown madness. You'll be right there with her because the most impressive thing about this movie is that it locks you into it's unreliable narrator's head and it does not let you go. There's a near constant clammer of subtle and not so subtle sounds, creakings, moanings, whispering voices, some are Jessica's "Don't tell them, they won't believe you!" and some are not, "I'm in your blood!" There's also an overwhelming sense of internal isolation that brings to mind CHARLOTTE GILMAN's famous short story THE YELLOW WALLPAPER. The plot is as evasive as a wraith. It goes from psychological thriller to ghost story to vampire tale and back again and it's impossible to put your thumb down on what's really going on. Unlike most films where the audience is asked to view things miles ahead of its protagonists, you never have any more information then Jessica does. We begin and end our story with Jessica floating in a small boat pondering what she has experienced– "Nightmares or dreams, madness or insanity, I don't know which is which…" Don't be surprised if by film's end you wind up in the same perplexing boat.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

The mute waif roaming the woods
Murder of the mole!
Emily coming out of the water
Discovering Woody on the tractor
Waking up encircled by the creepy, scarred townsfolk