Category: Ask Millie!

Dear Millie,

I was born on 9/11 and now my birthday is ruined. Nobody wants to celebrate how hot I am today and it makes me want to strangle a Raggedy Ann Doll. What should I do? How am I supposed to honor the dead when I feel so crappy myself?

Signed,

Feeling lousy over priorities

Dear Flop,

Get over yourself already and change your birthday. Everybody knows you are hot and they are sick of hearing about it. We all have our personal traumas but some traumas we share together. A great way to honor the dead is to tell somebody alive how much they matter to you. Today is a perfect day to do that. Do so and don't be a chicken shit.

By the way, that "lost" contact lense that you've been ripping the house apart looking for is lodged in your belly button.

With tempered malice,

Millie

Dear Millie the Typewriting, Psychic Cat,

I'm in quite a conundrum. My beloved sister is getting married next week and I can't think of a gift. It's hard to find something for the girl who literally has everything! Recently I was watching the film FLASH GORDON and I found myself enchanted by the green and gold eggs that were presented to Ming the Merciless as gifts. You know the eggs I mean, Flash used one as a football to battle the palace guards. Where can I purchase such lovely things? They would be fantastic gifts for my sister as she loves eggs and her soon to be husband is a football freak!

Signed,

Desperate in Duluth

Dear Desperate,

Simply travel to the small town in SUPERGIRL that FAYE DUNAWAY tried to demolish. They sell those very same green and gold eggs at a department store there! Good Luck!

By the way, tell your sister NOT to marry that awful man! My psychic kitty senses tell me that he has been having a revolting affair with YOU for over two years and that he secretly collects both Nazi and ANNIE THE MOTION PICTURE memorabilia!

P.S. Get that thing on your lip looked at. It's not what you think it is!

Millie